mourning and Lifestyle changes

6/6/06 I found out that I was to give birth to a still born. 6/7/06 delivered and spent most of the following year in a serious depression that hurdled me towards 243 4/9/06 I joined cc.com and started changing my way of life. I recently started just waking up sad and depressed and could not put my finger on any specific thing I had even gotten down to 226.5 in that small time period and since I am an emotional eater all I want to do is eat and crawl under a rock. I just realized it is the one year anniversary of the death of my son and it is kicking my but!! Has any one out there gone through this. I really don't want to put the weight back onand I alrady went back to 230. how do I get around wanting to eateven when I am not hungry. just cause I want to feel better, especially since I know when this passes as every thing does I will only feel worse with the weight back on I worked so hard to take off? I am thouroghly confused and just as desperate. can any one out there relate?

I am so sorry. I wish my condolences could rid your sadness but I know it can't. I lost a friend of mine this past December...6 months is just around the corner. It's weird because I too struggle with well an eating disorder. I've processed her death over and over again in therapy. But at times I'm still overcome with the depressive nature of the event. And I think there's no way around that. It's okay to be sad and it's okay to cry. I think it's about allowing yourself to feel that way..validating your emotions. You have no reason to numb them out by overeating. But I know sometimes it gets to the point where you just can't cry another tear. And I think that is when distractions can be very helpful. I've recently begun using reading as an escape. A temporary getaway. Or go for a walk. Anything that will take you outside of your head. Just remember that the numbing sensation the food provides is temporary.  You're allowed to feel. Give yourself permission.

Thank you for the suggestions I will use some of them to try to get through with out over eating.

mabear, I'm so sorry about your baby. I think sweet smiles has some good advice. I've had a traumatic death, too, my husband, and I learned that anniversaries for me are very difficult.

Also the loss of two children (they're not dead, I just haven't seen them in 15 years--long story of parental alienation), and those anniversaries are even worse. Mothers day is a huge trigger for me, along with most major holidays. 

I've learned to plan other activities at those times, if I can predict them. I try to something that takes up most of the day, with other people, and something that is happy, if I can. If not, I read and escape. My therapist calls it damage control. When worse comes to worse and I can't sleep, I admit, I get up and eat. I hate myself so much after, and it doesn't help a thing.

Another thing I've done is plan a grieving day. I was so angry at my husband for dying (suicide) that I went to his grave on the anniversary of his death and stomped and screamed at him. It helped me to get through, and over time I've accepted what happened and can remember him with love.

With the loss of my children it's a lot harder because my heart is just ripped out and the grief never has lessened. I allow myself two minutes at a time to think about them, but then I go on and do something to distract myself and move on, otherwise, I obsess on them and can't even function, even after all this time. The two minute rule is something my therapist suggested and it has really helped me cope.

Sometimes, you can't predict what might trigger a bout of grief, and it can happen anytime, even years after the event. Something reminds you and it just washes over you. I've found myself standing in the cereal section of the grocery store just crying. When I can't control my emotions, I go into therapy for a while and talk about my grief and sorrow, and even go back on antidepressants.

Since yours is a relatively new loss, I would highly suggest calling hospital and finding a grief support group near you. They're free, and the support and knowledge can be just wonderful. I can't say enough for what they did for me after my husbands death. Grieving is a very personal and unique journey for everyone, but you don't have to do it alone. If you ever want to talk, I'm always willing to offer a shoulder. You're not alone.

Thank you So much for sharing your story with me and for the suggetions. I do believe I get a letter once a month from one of the berevement groups and Never took them up on it cause I thought I could do it on my own and that it would not be this hard. I thought if I could get through the original trauma of it I would be fine but I guess I really am not. Thank you

Hi mabear,

i have tears in my eyes reading your post, i am so sorry for your loss that must have been horrible to go through. i have never experienced that myself but i had a friend that felt something wrong with her baby and she was dead in her as well.

Please get help for your depression if you haven't already, it is not your fault.

if you ever need to chat please feel free to post me, i don't know what i would do if i ever lost my little guy:(

Lol and hugs,

Amy:)

Thank you so much for your sympathy. I am gonna try the group at the hospital that specializes in this type of loss. I really I was ok. It took one whole year for me to realize I'm not ok. Some times I feel like I should be over this I mean I have five kids but I don't think I'll ever get over him. He is as much a part of me as the other children are. It would also explain why I am having such difficulty with changing to healthier eating habits. I am now up to 236 as of this morning but today I did much better controling what went in my mouth. I know my depression has every thing to do with my eating but I don't even really want to eat while I'm eating. My thoughts are eat till you die,and I have other kids to role model healthy eating for. thank you I will be seeking help.

mabear, I"m so glad you're going to get help. You WILL feel better, it just takes time. Antonio will always be part of you, a very loving part of you and that's how it should be. You will learn in grief counseling that there are stages to grief and and an end will come if you allow yourself to go through all the stages. You can't cheat and try to skip some of the process, it'll just send you back later for more grief. Not that you will ever stop loving him and thinking of him, just in less painful and less self-destructive ways. If you ever want to talk, please do, and know that we are with you.

Ma bear, please don't ever feel like you have to handle this alone. I lost my first pregnancy at 15 weeks. I know that is nothing compared to the loss of your beloved baby, but I have felt a horrible loss and grieved for a long time. I went into a clinical depression that I am still battling today and mourned that baby for a long time. I still feel angry that everyone around me has forgotten this little life I carried, I'm the only one who remembers. I also am a single mom of 3 going through a horrible divorce and custody battle, and for you to get up and keep going after such a horrible event, and you still love and take care of your other children, shows that you have tremendous strength and character. I applaud you. I have been on antidepressants for 9 years. That and therapy really helped me pull myself together. I also am an emotional eater and I gained 40 lbs since my husband moved out I year ago. I think you are amazing and that the best thing you can do is get help from a doctor for your depression and join a group of people who are going through the same thing. No one can do it alone.It's ok to ask for help. It is a perfectly normal reaction to be depressed after losing a baby. I know how hard and stressful it is to be a single mom. Send me a message or a post anytime. Take care.

Mabear,

I too lost my daughter (Rylee Grace)  it has been 3 years now. She was born early, and had trisomy 13 which is incompatible with life. She was on life support for a day. We could have kept her on there for longer, but why? For us...no we had to let her go. She was around long enough for us to love her and for all of the family to hold her love her and we had to let her go. It was the hardest thing we ever had to do. We visit her often, not as much as we used to. But, it still is painful. You never get over it, you just move on. We joined a lost child support group and met many friends. We don't go anymore we have moved passed that part of our lives. But, I know how you feel. The hurt never fully goes away, but it does become easier to talk about and deal with. If you need anyone to talk to feel free to PM me anytime.

I am sorry for your loss I do understand and know how you feel.

Steve (Stinky)