need some advice: dealing with the future of my bipolar mother

As some of you know my mother in law is by-polar. The state has stepped and and said she is not capable of living by herself anymore. They can place her in a home in los angeles. My hubby and i live in weldon thats 4 hours away. The problem is i think my hubby is gonna ask if she can come here. I know this is bad to say but i dont wont her here. Neither does the kids. She pees on the floor. And the mood swings can be bad. I have a 3 year old daughter and am afraid she might hurt her. If she moves in i know she will become MY responsability because hubby cant give up working. I wont be able to leave the house without her or even go shopping. I need to know if i an being unreasonble. Should i let her come in or be the bad guy and tell hubby no. If she moves in i fell the marrage will be over in a years time (married 20 years). But if i say no, that might do too. I love my husband and my family. I just can't deal with the added stress.

Find some time, sit down with your husband, tell him honestly how you feel. 4 hours is not that far away. =)

I'd be honest with your husband. Talk to him, tell him your fears and feelings, see if the two of you can come to a good conclusion. I've worked in nursing homes before, and they CAN Be really nasty places, but... that depends on the home.
Regardless, I think you should be honest with the husband. :)

I would be upfront with your husband about these feelings (especially the concern over harm to your daughter).

I wouldn't initiate the conversation, however.  There's always a chance he won't ask.  However, if he does, then go ahead and have a list of reasons prepared as to why you feel it is the wrong choice.  Express your concerns over not just how it will affect you and the immediate family, but whether not all of you are prepared to give her the proper treatment she needs.  SHE may actually be better off in a home with professionals who are trained to deal with people in her situation.

There might also be compromises available.  For instance, you might research putting her in private homes closer by, hiring live-in assistance (I don't know your financial situation, but that can get pretty pricey), or making a solemn vow to visit her, say, at least twice a month.

I'm sure your husband will understand where you're coming from.  And if you feel this woman may, even unintentionally, be harmful to your child, you have to be firm on this.  Even if the harm isn't physical, it might be very traumatic for young children to receive continuous exposure to somewhat in that much of a deteriorated mental state.

Good luck.  I'll be thinking of you.

Ooo... private nurses/helpers can work. Social services ARE available, if you know where to go. The trick is finding out where they're avaialble, sadly :p I wish I could offer you some pointers where to start looking in CA

there is no place closer that will take her. With her being by-polar any place in bakersfield will allow her to leave if she wants to. Thats the problem we are having trying to place her. As for 4 hours we live from week to week and we know we will not be able to go and visit

He already knows how i feel. So the ball is in the court

It's obvious she will need more care than you will be able to provide.  She needs treatment too.  Will the placement provide her with the drugs and therapy she needs?

Try not to feel guilty about this.  It's not your fault or your husband's.

clair. Yes they will supply everything

Did the state recommend this place that is 4 hours from your house? Did they maybe have any other recommendations? sounds like it is a really hard situation. I know prayer works, my grandma had schitzophrenia and lived with us as kids, I don't think it was mentally daunting to me at all, infact it has given me a compassion for the mentaly challenged, she would disappear in the night and we would have to search for her, she never peed on the floor, but she was definetly not "normal"  pray and see what God would like you to do. and I will pray for you too! does your husband seem like he understands your point of view?

winnie thats the only place that will take her. Theres a little more to it. You see i am also schito, and i dont think i can handle anymore. Plus i already have 4 kids at home

Wow! What a situation.

As I read your post, a thought struck me: if his mother were terminally ill, he wouldn't think twice about seeking medical care for her, would he? He wouldn't remove her from hospice or ongoing medical care so that she could live at your home?

Mental illness is a challenging issue. For someone who is bipolar, it is a terminal illness. People with uncontrolled suicidal tendancies, particularly those who are removed from ongoing medical care, rarely lead rich, fulfilling lives. Instead, they die, only they don't go quietly in their sleep - instead they die agonizing deaths that are rarely instantaneous.

In my opinion, removing your mother from a care facility that is equipped to deal with your MIL is pure selfishness, as well as a death sentence. It's not simply that a request to bring his mother to you would be an incredible drain on your emotional resources, it's that all you'd accomplish is passing a little time until she kills herself. The state has already declared she can not live alone, which means she's not going to get better.

My thought would be that the issue here is not how much YOU can give in a day before it kills your marriage, but how much your husband believes he is responsible for before it kills his mother. If the topic comes up, I'd think a good response from you would be that you would consider it ONLY if you can both go to counselling for six months first.

I'd put it forward that you both need to learn what is expected of you as caregivers for his mother, then use the time to find out what he's hoping to accomplish. Going to counselling doesn't commit you to taking in your MIL, it just commits you to finding out what he's thinking and giving you a chance to discuss your concerns with him.

I'm not saying your mother-in-law doesn't have bipolar, but it certainly sounds that way. What your describing sounds much more like dementia. People with bipolar (I or II) rarely, if ever, perform the type of behaviour(s) you're describing.

I can say this because I suffer from bipolar disorder and while it doesn't go away, it can become latent. I have a lot of meaning and fufillment in my life. I live on my own and I am pursing a PhD.

Mental illness has a devastating stigma attached to it; I'm sure anyone who is quite overweight can sympathize with 'stigma.'

People with bipolar tend to have heightened thoughts, inability to sleep or engagment in risky behaviours such as illicit sexual relations or spending too much money, but it is not charactristic for someone to want to harm others (anymore than any other illness).

dharma_bum, Thank you for clarifying the spectrum that bi-polar can be. I've only had two friends who were bi-polar and who had been put into care. Both killed themselves eventually, which is why I termed it as a terminal illness. I didn't intend to imply that all bi-polar is at the suicidal end of the spectrum, just that once the state removes you from your home, things have gone very, very wrong.

No, you're right, it is terminal. That's what I tried to say, but it comes and goes especially if you take meds (most often lithium carbonate) and seek therapy.

I was in therapy for 11 years and now check in once and a while. I'm perfectly normal, I rarely even think about my 'sickness' anymore. That being said, if I didn't look after myself, it would probably come back. That's why psychosis is often associted with low-income people. People who don't have resources when they suffer from something like this often become much worse.

I NEVER tell anyone, unless I know them well and trust them, that I have bipolar because they think I'm crazy.

My heart goes out to you. You need to stick by your decision. You are NOT equipped to care for your M.I.L. Take it from me, my dad and I took care of my mom when she had Alzheimer's, we probably kept her with us too long - finally, one day, my dad says to me: "I can't do this anymore." I already had a place picked out for my mom, I just couldn't bring myself to admit that I was WAY out of my league. Those were about the hardest 3 years of my life, caring for my mom.

Most people in your position get themselves into trouble because of their kind heart. But think about it, could you do just as good a job caring for someone 24 hours a day, that 3 professionals, each doing 8 hour shift do? Stick by your guns, and urge your hubby to seek counseling, or a support group.

Take good care, Nu

thxs all for your response. I think i have figured out what to do. I know it sounds harsh, but i think the best place for her is the facility that can take care of her. after some thinking, a few things came to light. with myself having a illness (schitzophrenia). I think it would be too hard the my family dealing with both. I take the least amount of meds to deal with my own problems. With her here i would be on the max and my life wouldn't be worth crap.(been there, done that). PLease  keep my family in your prayers. My mother in laws name is doris and mine is terrie

Bipolar disorder is not a "terminal illness," as that term is usually used. The vast majority of folks with bipolar disorder respond well to treatment, live normal lives, and die of something unrelated to bipolar disorder. For an interesting read on bipolar disorder and creativity, I can suggest "Touched with Fire: Manic-Depressive Illness and the Artistic Temperament" by Kay Redfield Jamison.

(Sorry; I couldn't let that go by without comment!)

tat2ed, you are not being unreasonable, and I hope your husband will understand. I'm so sorry your MIL, husband, and you have to go through this.

I appreciate that athena. I suffer from bipolar and I am perfectly normal and productive

tat2ed- I will keep you in my prayers and I know that draw yourself close to God and he will guide you! - winnie

thx all. the sitution has been solved. The hospital in bakersfield put her in a home. They felt it was the best place for her. The facility is only a 2 hour drive away. I talked to her today and so far she likes it.