Ok so I have been with my boyfriend for almost 4 1/2 years. We started our relationship when I was 17 and he was 18. It lasted through college. We had always made plans to live together once we got out of college through trying to get a job in the same city. I got offered a dream job in a different city that he didn't. We both got offered the same job (paying significantly less) in the same city (the city he is currently in). Although the second job is a good job, it's not exactly what I was looking for. I mentioned to my boyfriend that I was having doubts on what I wanted to do the other night, and he freaked out.
We are both living with our respective families for the summer in order to save money. Financially my family is doing significantly better than his. His family is having a lot of problems, and might even get foreclosed on. This has been a really stressful summer for him, because of it. He has told me repeatedly how much he hates his life at home, and how moving in with me and starting a new life with me is the light at the end of the tunnel. He was insulted that I would even hypothetically think about taking the job. He has told me several times before this that he would break up with me if we had to be apart for a year.
When I told him the other night that I was having doubts he told me how easy I had it with my family, and that I had no idea the stress he is under (both of which I constantly feel guilty about). Also, that I am idealizing this job and that I don't even know what it would really be like (I have a pretty good idea of what the job is like but he refuses to acknowledge it).
I immediately felt guilty for bringing it up, and tried to calm him down apologizing. Eventually he did. Today I woke up angry. I don't want to give up this job, but I feel like I am in too deep and that he is depending on me. There are some other problems that we are having, but I don't want to overload this post. I do love him though, that is why I don't like to see him upset or depressed.
I really need some help, I feel like I can't talk to anybody.
you have to have love, AND respect. It sounds like he isn't fully respecting your career decisions. I am looking in from the outside so this is going to be more difficult than how it is gonna sound, but he isn't worth it. What else will he control later? Bottom line - its YOUR life. If he chooses to live it with you, and triumph in your successes, then that is his decision. If he decides not to, well, there isn't much you can do about it but accept that its time to move on (or give up your dreams for someone who (it appears) isn't willing to do the same)
He's your boyfriend - not your fiance or husband. Sounds like some time apart might be a good idea and if he can't handle a year apart then I guess the relationship isn't all that important to him.
That's the thing... I feel like if he had gotten a job he liked as much as this one I would either try to get another job around there, or try to make it work. The problem is I can't even say that to him, because he'll just freak out. He told me on monday when I initially mentioned to him that I was having doubts after I had semi-calmed him down, how I was probably going to freak out and do it anyways (take the job). I told him I wouldn't freak out, but it is just that I feel like my needs are being met right now.I don't want to be pressured into this situation, but I don't want to break his heart.
We have been apart for most of the summer, and I realized that I can handle it. Something that a year ago I would consider tragic (to be apart for so many months) is really not that bad. He's not handling it well. I just feel guilty for doubting the plan.... but I don't want to give up this job.
You only get one chance to make the right decision. Take the better job. Everything else will work itself out one way or another.
Original Post by standup123:
That's the thing... I feel like if he had gotten a job he liked as much as this one I would either try to get another job around there, or try to make it work. The problem is I can't even say that to him, because he'll just freak out. He told me on monday when I initially mentioned to him that I was having doubts after I had semi-calmed him down, how I was probably going to freak out and do it anyways (take the job). I told him I wouldn't freak out, but it is just that I feel like my needs are being met right now.I don't want to be pressured into this situation, but I don't want to break his heart.
We have been apart for most of the summer, and I realized that I can handle it. Something that a year ago I would consider tragic (to be apart for so many months) is really not that bad. He's not handling it well. I just feel guilty for doubting the plan.... but I don't want to give up this job.
My sister went through this about a year ago with her bf, except she was moving away to go to college. They are no longer together, and she is happier and more confident than she has been in years.
A person's happiness should be enhanced by their partner, not dependent on it. You need to make the best decisions you can based on where you want to go in life... NOT on what will allow him to continue to be happily dependent on you for happiness. You can't continue to be the only good thing in his life. It will only drag you down, wear you out, and when the relationship ends (as it eventually will) you will regret not doing what was best for you.
I can't believe he is not encouraging you to take the better job and be the best you can be. He sounds incredibly selfish. Take the better job, and drop the dead weight.
CDC has some good points. It is also worth considering that he seems to want you to save him from his current situation. He can save himself and even be of help to his family if he chooses too. But he is asking you to do this for him. Why? He is educated and an adult.
If you get further involved with this man I fear you will end up always doing his bidding and it will all seem "reasonable". But years down the line you will realize that he controls everything. Emotional blackmailers are particularly difficult. They will make it seem as though you are the bad guy for letting them down. "If you loved me you would...". But you are not responsible for the happiness another person feels. No matter what you do he will never feel true happiness. He will always feel let down and always pin the blame on you.
I have had 20 years of this - run. NOW.
Original Post by pavlovcat:
He's your boyfriend - not your fiance or husband. Sounds like some time apart might be a good idea and if he can't handle a year apart then I guess the relationship isn't all that important to him.
Well, he might as well be my fiancee. We've talked about getting married, but we both felt that we wanted to wait. It's a serious relationship is what I am trying to say.
Lately I have been feeling like an individual again, something that I haven't felt since I was 17 before our relationship started. It feels good. I feel like I just turned 22 and I am young. He is my first boyfriend, and my best friend.
He gets upset if I mention that I want to be doing something by myself. In fact, when I told him I was having doubts he told how I was just thinking about myself and not "us" in this situation. he made me feel selfish and guilty.
Original Post by standup123:
Original Post by pavlovcat:
He's your boyfriend - not your fiance or husband. Sounds like some time apart might be a good idea and if he can't handle a year apart then I guess the relationship isn't all that important to him.
Well, he might as well be my fiancee. We've talked about getting married, but we both felt that we wanted to wait. It's a serious relationship is what I am trying to say.
Lately I have been feeling like an individual again, something that I haven't felt since I was 17 before our relationship started. It feels good. I don't I feel like I just turned 22 and I am young. He is my first boyfriend, and my best friend.
He gets upset if I mention that I want to be doing something by myself. In fact, when I told him I was having doubts he told how I was just thinking about myself and "us" in this situation. he made me feel selfish and guilty.
That is what he was trying to do. It's called manipulation.
Original Post by standup123:
Original Post by pavlovcat:
He's your boyfriend - not your fiance or husband. Sounds like some time apart might be a good idea and if he can't handle a year apart then I guess the relationship isn't all that important to him.
Well, he might as well be my fiancee. We've talked about getting married, but we both felt that we wanted to wait. It's a serious relationship is what I am trying to say.
Lately I have been feeling like an individual again, something that I haven't felt since I was 17 before our relationship started. It feels good. I feel like I just turned 22 and I am young. He is my first boyfriend, and my best friend.
He gets upset if I mention that I want to be doing something by myself. In fact, when I told him I was having doubts he told how I was just thinking about myself and not "us" in this situation. he made me feel selfish and guilty.
Red flags! This will only get worse- can you see yourself putting up with this for the rest of your life? Does this sound like someone worth losing a great job over?
Original Post by trhawley:
Original Post by standup123:
Original Post by pavlovcat:
He's your boyfriend - not your fiance or husband. Sounds like some time apart might be a good idea and if he can't handle a year apart then I guess the relationship isn't all that important to him.
Well, he might as well be my fiancee. We've talked about getting married, but we both felt that we wanted to wait. It's a serious relationship is what I am trying to say.
Lately I have been feeling like an individual again, something that I haven't felt since I was 17 before our relationship started. It feels good. I don't I feel like I just turned 22 and I am young. He is my first boyfriend, and my best friend.
He gets upset if I mention that I want to be doing something by myself. In fact, when I told him I was having doubts he told how I was just thinking about myself and "us" in this situation. he made me feel selfish and guilty.
That is what he was trying to do. It's called manipulation.
Yeah. It's just that I don't feel like it's intentional. In the sense that he decided one day to manipulate me. I guess maybe our relationship has been co-dependent and I don't want it to be that way anymore. I wish sometimes that I would have taken a stance against alot of things in the beginning, because now I feel like it's too late. I was so young when we started, and in love and I was willing to look past a lot of things that bothered me.
Original Post by brtaylor:
Original Post by standup123:
Original Post by pavlovcat:
He's your boyfriend - not your fiance or husband. Sounds like some time apart might be a good idea and if he can't handle a year apart then I guess the relationship isn't all that important to him.
Well, he might as well be my fiancee. We've talked about getting married, but we both felt that we wanted to wait. It's a serious relationship is what I am trying to say.
Lately I have been feeling like an individual again, something that I haven't felt since I was 17 before our relationship started. It feels good. I feel like I just turned 22 and I am young. He is my first boyfriend, and my best friend.
He gets upset if I mention that I want to be doing something by myself. In fact, when I told him I was having doubts he told how I was just thinking about myself and not "us" in this situation. he made me feel selfish and guilty.
Red flags! This will only get worse- can you see yourself putting up with this for the rest of your life? Does this sound like someone worth losing a great job over?
It does sound so crazy when I actually write it out, instead of it just being in my head.
It isn't that he woke up one day and said "I wonder if I can manipulate standup."
Everything was going according to his plan, and when you started to deviate from his plan, he responded by trying to guilt you into doing things his way - that's manipulation, even if it's not done with an evil laugh.
I think you should take the job.
Don't feel selfish and guilty. You are young and just starting to develop your career. He is the one being selfish by holding you back from your dream job. If he had gotten the job and you hadn't, what do you think he would have done?
How far away are the two cities? You could plan regular visits and keep in touch via email, webcam, phone, etc. Also, after you establish yourself at your new job, perhaps you could pass along his resume to your boss (it sounds like you guys are in the same field).
He's the one who is being selfish by trying to control your life and hold you back. Never feel guilty for having better luck, skill, or opportunities than your boyfriend. You shouldn't have to pare yourself down to the right size in order for him to accept you. I'd say, go for the other job.. he knows you're a great catch, and he won't break up with you. He will have to grow up and deal with it.
By the way.. if this job isn't everything you've hoped for, he will probably have an "I told you so" type of attitidue. Tell him where to shove it.
I know you love him, but men suck and you should leave him, become a millionaire, and visit him 5 years down the line in your Bentley and laugh at his barely-running car.
That's my take on it. That's what I plan on doing..
Sometimes when you're blinded by love and your proximity to a situation, you can't see how messed up it is.
Believe me, someone who really loves you will want you to succeed, and will applaud your triumphs.. not make you feel guilty for thinking of yourself.
The cities are about 41/2 hours away. It significant, but I'm willing to try. He is the one that doesn't want to try. I feel like if I tell him that I am taking the other job he will instantly break up with me or take it as if I am breaking up with him, because in his head we can't make it work, so if I take the job = breaking up with him (for him).
Original Post by andi8983:
He's the one who is being selfish by trying to control your life and hold you back. Never feel guilty for having better luck, skill, or opportunities than your boyfriend. You shouldn't have to pare yourself down to the right size in order for him to accept you. I'd say, go for the other job.. he knows you're a great catch, and he won't break up with you. He will have to grow up and deal with it.
By the way.. if this job isn't everything you've hoped for, he will probably have an "I told you so" type of attitidue. Tell him where to shove it.
He does have that attitude, I mean he's basically telling me that he's afraid that I am 'idealizing' this job too much and that it's not that great of a job. Also he keeps telling he hates that city (wft???? he's never lived in this city he has no idea why he hates it) but that he is willing to consider moving there just for me if he had a job there.
Original Post by trhawley:
Original Post by standup123:
Original Post by pavlovcat:
He's your boyfriend - not your fiance or husband. Sounds like some time apart might be a good idea and if he can't handle a year apart then I guess the relationship isn't all that important to him.
Well, he might as well be my fiancee. We've talked about getting married, but we both felt that we wanted to wait. It's a serious relationship is what I am trying to say.
Lately I have been feeling like an individual again, something that I haven't felt since I was 17 before our relationship started. It feels good. I don't I feel like I just turned 22 and I am young. He is my first boyfriend, and my best friend.
He gets upset if I mention that I want to be doing something by myself. In fact, when I told him I was having doubts he told how I was just thinking about myself and "us" in this situation. he made me feel selfish and guilty.
That is what he was trying to do. It's called manipulation.
Agree with the other posters. I was 14 years (12 married) with someone identical to your bf. You will always be the one to make things right and everyone happy in the relationship. If this is how he deals with stress now imagine how it will be when you have your own home and children. He will always blame you for things not going right in his life - I've been there and it took me 9 years to get the courage to leave. And I've never been happier but it was the toughest thing I ever had to do especially with children involved.
In my opinion, how you are feeling now (free?) is a sign that perhaps you were feeling less so when you were together all the time. The question you should ask yourself (and only consider how YOU feel not how HE will feel) - Do you want to go back to that? If you don't take your dream job you will feel resentful and always ask what if. Write all your thoughts down on a piece of paper with 2 colums - pro/con to taking the job. Be honest with yourself and see what comes out of that.
Good luck
Original Post by standup123:
but that he is willing to consider moving there just for me if he had a job there.
Aw, what a sweet prince he is - how gracious of him. <sarcasm dripping>
The distance - was that 4.5 hrs apart? That's not that bad, especially if you both have cars. I spent a year 3.5 hrs from my fiance (then boyfriend) and another 18 months 2.5hrs away. I know several couples that spent a year+ even further (plane ride away), and were fine.
If you both wanted to make it work, you could. But I'm not sure that you do.
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