Need advice from girls or guys with girlfriends who maybe went through this..

Hello all.

Here is the deal, basically last year I went to the doctor and he said I had high BP and cholestorol, I'm 25, and I was about 340 pounds (I'm 6'7'').  He said I needed to start taking meds, which was like 180 bucks a month that I don't have.  I said I really didn't want to take meds if I could avoid it and he said that if I lost weight, it might be enough since my BP was only borderline.  He gave me a 3 month supply of the cholestrol meds and basically I was to go each month.

My girlfriend and I were both overweight, she was around 180lbs and 5'6''.  When I told her I had to lose weight, I meant it, and she said she would workout and eat better too.

Basically, I started working out most days on the ellptical, doing weights, and then also walking at work at lunch with some people.  This guy had a heart attack and his doctor suggested he get more excersize.

I'm down to about 290 now, and I don't need meds, but I'm trying to lose a lot more weight.

Basically at first my GF said she wanted to lose weight with me, but she didn't want to excersize or change what she ate.  I would always ask her if she wanted to go with me to work out but she always said not this time, I'll go later.  When she would go, she would walk on the treadmill for 5 minutes and then say she was done and not break a sweat.

Well now we are going on a cruise with all of our friends next March, and she was up to 200lbs.  A couple weeks ago I told her that we had about 28 weeks until the cruise, so if she wanted to start eating better and working out with me, it would be possible she could lose 50 lbs (~2lbs a week).  She thought about it and decided she would.

 Here is where I need advice..  Basically the first week she went with me for the whole week.  We would go around 9pm or so when there wasn't people there because she doesn't want to work out around them.  For the first 2 weeks she stuck with it, and had the big initial losses.  After that though, her work schedule changed because she took a new job and now when we can go there are people usually there.  She stopped going because she doesn't want to work out around people.  She'll come with me and there will be nobody there, but then as soon as people come in she wants to leave, and wants me to leave with her.

I'm not sure what to do.  I started the couch potato to 5k and she started it with me at first because we could go out at night and she was OK with that, but then we run around the apartments and some girl she knew I guess saw us running and now she won't do that either. 

I wanted to know if anybody had ideas on what I might be able to try or say.  I have to get up around 7am each day, so I like to be in bed by 11pm.  I can work out up to about 9:30 but, I need at least 30 minutes of rest before I can go to bed.  My girlfriend basically said we need to start going at 10:30 or 11 when people aren't there, but I also need my sleep.  Now I don't stop working out because of her, but everytime I go she wants me to wait for her and it's causing some friction because I just can't go out that late.  

Go by yourself and stop trying to push her into something she doesn't want to do, honestly. You can't force someone to lose weight or change their lives. It has to be on her terms and there's no reason for you to put your life on hold because she's too insecure to work out. Live for YOU, not your girlfriend.

I'm sorry, but it sounds a bit like she's playing games with you.  Maybe because you have the willpower to do this, and she doesn't, she's a little jealous and is trying to sabotage you with all these excuses.  She may be afraid that if you lose weight and she doesn't, you'll start looking for someone "better"(in her mind).

You need to do this for you.  For YOUR health, for YOUR happiness.  If she comes around, great.  If not, she needs to learn to deal with her own insecurities.  A story you may want to share with her: At first, I didn't want to start jogging in front of other people. I was embarrased how out of shape I was, that I could only go 2 minutes without stopping to walk for a while.   But then I realized what I used to think when I saw others jogging. I used to be envious that they could do it.  So I realized that maybe when people saw me, that's what they were thinking about me, not that I was out of shape.  Changed my whole attitude. 

Well hold on now, I'm not pushing her to do this at all.  I let her know when I'm going and I'll ask her, but I don't make her and I don't say anything if she doens't.  She just decided she wanted to start coming and asked me to show her how to do some stuff. Like I said, she would go, but as soon as people comes around, she wants to leave, and wants me to leave too. 

Not trying to make her go, just trying to figure out what I could say to her to help encourage her to not worry about what people think. 

In the beginning, I would say yeah she was trying to sabotage me, when the weight loss really started to become obvious by how loose my pants were, she did come home one day with a bucket of chicken and was like well if you can't eat it, I'm throwing it out.  Wouldn't sound like anything odd, but she never cooks, brings home food, or even pays for anything.  But that was a long time ago, and she only did it once because as painful as it was, I told her to throw it out then.

You know I think you sound like you are being very supportive of her. I totally understand not wanting to work out around other people-- it can be very intimidating (not just when you're overweight either) and some people simply don't like the gym (just like my guy). Can you drive or walk to a nearby park to jog or maybe somewhere not near your regular neighborhood? Can you afford or do you have a spot for a treadmill inside your place? Would she be interested in a women's only gym-- like a Curves? I've heard good things about that place.

Is she also modifying her diet now? Cooking at home makes it a lot easier to count calories I think. Best of luck to you-- I'm trying to figure out what will get my guy active too.

One last note--Keep in mind its important to keep reassuring her that you care for her no matter what-- then it will be more about her willpower than a desire to change for you.

It sounds like she is really embarrassed about her weight and probably what she looks like in workout clothes.  You can't leave every time someone comes into the gym, so tell her that she needs to find a way to deal with other people being there.  Maybe she would feel better in a different workout outfit?  Did she get herself something that looks good for the gym?  If not, maybe you could get her something and assure her she looks good in it?  (Kohls often has inexpensive athletic clothing)

I am sure that you have already told her that no one is looking.  There have been several threads discussing this, and the consensus is that most people are too involved in their own workouts to go around judging others.  Perhaps you could show them to her?  Maybe knowing that other people feel that way and still go will help?

I think most people would think better of her seeing her at the gym.  You have to respect someone who is trying.

Hey,

I'm the same way as your girlfriend...I hate having other people see me work-out! Even if I don't know them.....As far as eating, y don't you cook for the both of you since she has a new job, you could even pack her lunch (so nice)!

Next..Find things you can do in the apartment ....You can rent exercise DVDs (or buy) from the library. Even simple stuff such as a DVD called walk away the pounds which is basically a person moving in place is a great way to lose weight, I had a friend lose 50 pounds that way..Or Taebo or there are so many exercise dvds out there...Also if you can buy a balancing ball to do some sit-ups on and maybe some resistant bands for strength training and bam--you have a very cheap home gym....If you can afford it sometimes you can search craigslist for cheap exercise equipment or you can go to walmart and buy something cheap for under $100--there are treadmills and ellipticals for that price.....And I also agree about going to another neighborhood, that's what I did a few times....My spouse is very supportive and he would take a 30 minute trip so that we could walk around a lake...There are so many ideas..if you need more help send me a message!! I totally understand where she is coming from--I actually just ordered an elliptical machine for my new place--Good luck!

Thats definately a good idea about proper work out clothes. I found some great reasonable stuff at Target that is loose, doesn't fall off and provides coverage. Oohh also about the DVDS for home! Great stuff.

Hello!  I've been in both positions.  My hubby will say he wants to eat better & work out.  I make his healthy lunch and he ends up ditching it and going to Chilli's!  And I know how difficult it can be to work out in front of others.  There's a couple reasons for it... one is the obvious, being embarrassed about what you look like.  The second is less obvious (from a girls point of view)... and that is if you're seen trying to better yourself then it means others might think you're not comfortable in your own skin.  Weird little female minds, eh?

Anyway, I'd suggest some workout DVD's you two can do together at home.  Nobody else is there to see you, and they have some pretty good ones.  There's walking DVD's, like Leslie Sansone (walk in place) and Denise Austin's Personal Trainer one is awesome too.  You can customize according to your level, plus the time you have. 

If that fails - go it alone!  If she wants to change, she'll need to decide when the time is right for her.  Maybe seeing you stay with it will motivate her. 

Every overweight person WANTS to lose the weight... It's being WILLING to make the changes that is so darn difficult!  Good luck.

I hate working out in front of other people too... I was 267 when I started, and people wanting to talk while you're working out, or being the fattest person in a gym, is kind of uncomfortable for me. However, when I truly wanted to lose weight, I did what I had to do. She seems to make excuse after excuse... If you really pushed yourself to stay up late for her, I bet she'd have another excuse lined up. A person has to commit to fitness on their own terms... If she's not interested in losing it, then no amount of encouragement or support from you will help.

Hi.. I know how your GF feels about working out when there are people around at the gym.. for me it was a mix of not wanting people to look at my fat blub, or the fact that I was out of shape or that I was still trying to figure out how to use the machines.. blegh machines! I now do strength training (The New Weight Lifting Rules for Women), swim and walk - no gym or machines for me!

Someone above had some good suggestions.. look for workouts that she can do at home, proper fitting gym clothes (will greatly make a difference), HEALTHY home cooked meals...

I understand where you are coming from and you have to admit she at least is making an effort.. However, we all have to keep in mind that every person relates to exercise differently and the gym may simply not be for her but something else might be. Another idea, since you have a bit of a different schedule, how about finding a workout buddy for her?

Good luck and don't let this deter you from your goal!

Hey all,

Thanks for the replys.

Believe me, I know what it's like too, I was at almost 350 lbs myself, but as a guy, I just had to get over it and do something.

It's also not so much a gym, as a room at the apartments that has 2 treadmills, an ellpitical, free weights and a mirror.

I do already cook for both of us, but she won't eat much of the foods I eat, so usually I have to cook extra for her.  For example, she won't eat the low calorie pasta I eat, so I have to make seperate noodles for her.  I try to eat low sodium, so I always have to make seperate sauces or whatever also. 

I don't know about the workout clothes though.  I'll ask her.

Congratulations on your weight loss!!! It sounds like this situation is very frustrating, and sounds like she doesn't want to help herself. You can't make someone do something that they don't want to do. You are already bending over backwards to try to accomodate her and her schedule, her foods, etc...

Why doesn't she walk for 1/2 hour a day on the treadmill to start off with, at her own free time? I think that would help a lot. You have to start somewhere!

If she doesn't like to cook, then maybe buy those weight watchers frozen entrees or something that is healthy for her. This way you don't have to do double the cooking...

Congrats once again and best of luck

Original Post by tinyku:

I do already cook for both of us, but she won't eat much of the foods I eat, so usually I have to cook extra for her.  For example, she won't eat the low calorie pasta I eat, so I have to make seperate noodles for her.  I try to eat low sodium, so I always have to make seperate sauces or whatever also.  

Oh wow-- you must really love the girl! I have to say I don't go that far for my own kids. It would drive me insane. If I make something they don't like or something especially different, then I won't make them eat it, but they get to fix themselves a sandwich or something else and clean it up. I refuse to do double duty!

I think dvd's and such are a good idea- she can do those while you go to the gym so that she can get a little more comfy working out and then after some time a reward could be a cute gym outfit and bag or something and maybe go for little bouts while people are there until she gets more comfortable...

And maybe (I hope it doesn't seem mean) if you didn't cook separate meals, if she wants something different, she has to cook it herself? Suddenly the healty meals become more appealing?

The only thing is though, she has to really want it for herself. Make sure you take care of you- you are doing so well!!!

I didn;t even read all the posts.    You sound like you CARE.     as long as she tries to do something to increase fitness/healthiness, be supportive.    I would have appreciated my now-ex boyfriend saying something nice to me or at least not bringing Wendy's for us both.    gosh.     if you love her, encourage her.    keep at it yourself too, you are doing AWESOME>   ( :    

I'm sorry that your girlfriend is being so unhelpful.  It sounds like she's a bit immature and controlling.  She's trying to get you to change for her, but won't do a lick to change for you.  And I'm sorry, you're allowing (even encouraging) it, so in a way, it's up to you to stop it.

I would give her the suggestions above (rent DVDs at home, find a more private gym, buy healthy food that she likes, etc.)  But then I would leave it alone.  You two are not attached at the hip, and there is no reason you can't each have your own lives. 

You know how kids act up all the time just for your attention?  It seems that she's received A LOT of yours lately!  Trying to change your schedule (numerous times); leaving the gym when she says; trying to find some way to "motivate" her.  About the food:  not only is she not paying for it,  but you're cooking FOR HER and she's still not happy?  Guess what?  At my house, no matter who cooks, there is one meal cooked.  Whoever doesn't like it, gets to make their own.  If she uses this as a "threat" - "well, I don't like what you cooked, so I'm going to get a Bic Mac instead" - let her.  She is in control of what goes into her mouth; if she chooses to sabotage herself in order to control you, that's her issue, not yours.  Keep cooking healthy for yourself; she's a grown-up, she won't starve to death.  Also, your sleep is important, and it sounds like she doesn't care.

But not only are you cooking her meals, you're trying to solve her problems - and I'm sorry to tell you that you can't.  Only she can.  And it doesn't sound like she wants to.  It seems what she really wants to do is go back to the "good old days" and have you go back with her.  This quote says it all: 

"my GF said she wanted to lose weight with me, but she didn't want to excersize or change what she ate"  What????  Have you ever heard the definition of insanity? Continuing to do what you're doing and expecting different results.

If you don't want to go back to the good old days with her, you can continue to ask her to go with you to the gym and offer her your healthy foods, but keep moving forward and don't try so hard to drag her along.  Don't nag, beg, cajole, or try to "fix" things for her.  You will get resentful, and she will get ever-needier, and that's not a healthy place for a relationship to be. 

If and when she gets to the place where she asks (and willingly accepts!!) your advice/help, that's when you can SHARE your healthy lifestyle with her - on your terms.

I think that you should have her just concentrate on eating right.  By the New year she will have lost 8-10 pounds and she may want to work out more because she will feel better.  When a 5'6' girl weighs 200 lbs she is burning a fair amount of calories each day just living.  So if you can help her eat right and not worry about the working out maybe she will come around on her own.  Since the time you are going to work out is causing some consternation you might as well talk to her about waiting.  That way she can concentrate on just one aspect of weight loss and think of the working out as some far off concept that is not right in her face today.

Also i think homegirl could lose 30 lbs by the time of your trip with out even working out.

Zarelha said it!

Your GF sounds just like my husband.  He says he wants to lose weight, but he does not want to exercise or change the way he eats. He must be hoping for a miracle.  We started a weight loss competition in January last year, with the first person to reach a healthy BMI gets $2000.  Since then I have lost 70lb, and my Beloved has put on weight, lol.  I had 120lb to lose, and my Beloved has only 60lb to lose, so he started out in front! That money is mine!

The thing is, your GF has to make the decision for her self that she wants to lose weight.  No mater how supportive you are, if she has not made that mental commitment, it will not happen.  I was overweight for 12 years before I reached the final straw, before I was finally ready and 100% committed to losing weight.  Before that, I had tried to go on diets before, and I had never made it past 2 days before I started cheating.  I could not even stick to a diet to lose weight for my wedding, I was an fat ugly bride.  It was not until my Dr told me I had cancer, that I finally was committed enough to make a permanent change to my lifestyle.  My cholesterol has gone from 5.5 mmol to 3.3 mmol and my triglycerides have gone from 4.1 mmol to 1.8 mmol

As for cooking your GF different foods, gosh, just tell her that either she eats what you have made, or she can made her own dinner.  There is a risk then that she will have unhealthy take-away food, but she has to take responsibility for herself.  I put a lot of effort into making sure that my Beloved has a well balanced diet, and you do as well.  I wish I had someone who would get up and make me breakfast every day when I was working full time!   One thing I have learned with cooking, I cannot tell him that something is 'low fat', 'diet' or 'lite', he will instantly turn his nose up and say that he does not like it.  If he does not know, then he will gobble it down, and tell me how yummy it is. What is really funny, is that my Beloved lost a heap of weight 7 years ago not long after we met, and now the situation is reversed!  At least he has proved to himself that he can lose weight, he has done it before. 

You are setting a good example, and doing everything in your power to support her, there is nothing else you can do.  The rest is up to her.

Yeah, she is the same way with food.  I actually bought some "organic milk", and she refused to drink it, at first she though it came from vegetables!

But yeah, I will admit though when I first tried to go low sodium, a lot of the food I tried to make didn't taste good at all, it took a couple weekends.  I was working two jobs and now I'm not so I have all weekend to make stuff if I want.

Thanks for all the advice everybody!