I need some advice with my relationship :( please help if you can!

I need some advice... I have been with my boy friend for 6 and a half years. We have been living together for a year. We have a great relationship where we communicate and enjoy each other's company.

Lately, he has been hanging out with his two female co-workers and a male co-worker. The four of them go down town to eat dinner and drink the night away. He doesn't come home until pretty late.. I have never met one of the girls. My boy friend is really close with her and talks to her all the time, every day after work. She's not single, she has a fiancé but doesn't wear the ring. Her fiancé (according to my boy friend) isn't too fond of my guy hanging out with her so much. And the other girl he is with has a boy friend as well but my boy friend told me that she has made it clear that she would cheat on her boy friend with him if given the opportunity.

They have gone out a few time... The last two nights they were all together again. This morning, my boy friend woke up early with a hangover, said he had a great time, and rushed out the door to meet the co-worker that would cheat if given the change.. to get a ride to work since his car was left there last night.

He doesn't start work until 8:30... and he rushed out of the house at 7am. He clearly saw that I was upset because we having even talked to each other very much in the last 3 days.. but he just said "I need to go bye. " I don't know what to make of the situation. I don't want to be a jealous girl friend and stop him from doing what he wants to do... but I also want him to enjoy hanging out with me more than other girls from work.

sooo.. my questions are: would this be a problematic situation for you? How would you handle this situation? Would you be jealous?

Yes. I'd have a problem with it. Then, I'm the jealous type as my husband has given me reason to be this way. What I would do is drive up there and meet up with them.....where ever they are hanging out after work. BUT I'd probably not tell him I was going to do so. Like, ask him "Where are you all headed tonight? Oh, well have fun" But then show up there. Good luck to you.

I never write on these thing but your situation really touched me.  Your boyfriend and this girl hanging out alone is completely different than him going out with a group from work.  Most men would realize that when a big red flag waves in his face like "I'd cheat on my fiance with you."  Even if nothing physical has happened, if he is confiding in her or using her for emotional support before his significant other than that is cheating, and you have every right to feel cheated because of it.  Unfortunatly it can also be tough for a man to hear this from his girlfriend because he is automatically gonna assume your opinion is tainted with jealousy.  First I'd try joining them for drinks and watching how they interact together.  If this isn't an option or it raises more concerns, try calmly talking to him and explaining your feelings.  Make sure to avoid accusations, I have a feeling this has more to do with your distrust of the other woman than it does your distrust for your man.  If he clams up or blows up at you, maybe you could talk to one of his buddies and find out what his read on the situation is and maybe the buddy could talk to him for you.  Good luck, it's a stressful situation so no matter what the outcome it will be a relief to get through it all. 

There is so much wrong with this situation I don't even know where to begin. 

Do you think he respects you? Does he honor you?

Do you think his idea of a good time includes you?

Does he care if you are uncomfortable with this?

Thank you for the advice! you definitely understand where I am coming from rrstewart.

"if he is confiding in her or using her for emotional support before his significant other than that is cheating, and you have every right to feel cheated because of it."

That's what I am fearful of.. especially since I never met the girl he is so close to.. You're right, I don't want him to think I'm jealous.. I want him to understand that I want to know more about their relationship and what it means to him. I would be curious to know how they interact together. I want to at least meet this woman..

I do trust him entirely. Its not in his character to cheat. Since I don't know these women.. I don't know how I am suppose to treat the situation.

You're right, I do not want to start accusing him because it will only get him upset and not realize where I am coming from..

I think the hardest part right now is not knowing what exactly is going on.. I will try to talk to him as best I can when he gets off work.

great questions lippygal. They definitely make me think

Do you think he respects you? yes he does

Does he honor you? yep he does

Do you think his idea of a good time includes you? now this is where I am feeling confused.. I thought it did include me.. but now I don't know. Maybe he has a better time without me there.

Does he care if you are uncomfortable with this? Another great question. I don't know if he does care. The way he acting this morning made me think he doesn't care that it makes me uncomfortable. I'll have to find out later.

Ok, the answers to the first couple questions are good. If they are indeed true, then you should have no problem answering the rest of the questions after you talk to him.

Remember, this relationship is a choice. You don't have to put up with anything that makes you uncomfortable. NOBODY gets to tell you what you should and should not be comfortable with. That is up to you, and if this is not what you want he needs to know that you are not going to put up with it. Beware, if it comes down to that, and you tell him, and he keeps it up, then he will know he can get away with it no matter how many times you try to sit down and have a talk with him. So then your words would have less value. So, I urge you to use them wisely at first.

Thank you lippygal. You're so right. I don't want to be in a relationship where I don't feel comfortable. That's what dating it for before marriage. I need to tell him what I want and understand the consequences that come with that. I don't want to "settle." There's no need for me to feel second to any other girl...

it can be frustratingto wait but make sure you pick a mutually neutral time to have the conversation.  Not before work when life is crazy busy anyway, a time when you both can be honest and attentative.  And beware of advice like from findingmeagain09, communication is always a better option than sneaking around.  Best of luck to you, keep us posted. 

yes picking a good time to talk is key. I'll try to figure things out with him. Thanks again for the advice rrstewart. I'll let you guys know how it goes.

First of all, good luck.  One thing you could try is to nicely insist that you meet her--go out together, invite her over for dinner, don't seem jealous just interested in what a cool girl she must be.  If he won't let you meet her, there is something fishy going on.  Now that's not to say they're physically cheating, but if he won't let you meet her, he is emotionally involved.  I have seen situations like this before.  Usually if a guy won't let his girlfriend meet a female friend, he's trying to protect his female friend from jealousy and protect his image and kind of pretend that the girlfriend doesn't exist or isn't important or the relationship is worthless to justify getting involved in a side piece.....

So we talked! We had a long conversation about how I was feeling, what she means to him and where we stand in our relationship. First off, he was totally oblivious to how the whole situation made me feel!

So... First, I let him know that I feel uncomfortable if he is out with other women than I don't know. He understood where I was coming from and told me that he wants me to meet them as soon as possible so I don't feel that way anymore.

Then, I asked him if he feels as though he would rather spend time with her instead of me. And if he felt as though he enjoyed talking with her more about issues in his life (aka emotional issues). He reassured me that he doesn't feel that way at all. He likes hanging out with me more. He says that after work it's easy for his co-workers to just go out together. He then asked me if it would be different if he was only hanging out with men. I told him its totally different! He's not attracted to men! I asked him how he would feel if it was the other way around.. if I was with male co-workers late at night. He understood this as well and he doesn't want me to feel the way I do so he will be not continue to go out with them like he does.

He told me that our relationship is what matters and he doesn't want to jeopardize it in any way. He doesn't want me to feel uncomfortable or unhappy with him. I told him that if I feel that way it's not worth it to be in the relationship. This made sense to him as well.

So over all our long conversation really paid off. We were able to share our emotions and understand why we love being together in the first place. I never want to settle and being in a lonnng term relationship it was important for me to see again why we work so well together.

Thank you again for everyone's support. I really appreciated coming to this site and sharing my problem and receiving great advice! You all helped me figure out the best way to communicate and solve our problem. So thanks again!

That is wonderful!!  I'm happy for you.

Very good

 :) There are so many people that never post an outcome/status update. I just wanted to say thanks for updating on the status of your problem. I'm glad that you were able to work everything out together.

I'm glad it all worked out! There were so many things I could've said since I understand the psychology behind both sides of the issue (the jealousy thing as well as the work-convenience thing). So many people just skim over problems like this & it's good that you were able to have a frank conversation about it.