I need advice about sister.

This is long...thank you for taking the time to read and help. 

My older sister is struggling in her marriage.  She has been married for 16 years and they have 3 beautiful children together.  Some of you may have seen my pics and two of them are in my gallery.

She keeps calling me for support because she is not getting along with her husband.  He is being very mean to her and telling her she is not meeting his needs sexually.  She tells me they have sex, but his appetite is unstoppable.  She thinks he uses that as an excuse to not communicate or be close with her.  They own a business that is failing, she has been a stay at home mother for years but is trying to work now because of their financial situation, her husband is a big kid.  I say that not to criticize but to give you a picture of how he acts.  He wants what he wants, when he wants it.  He refuses to go seek counseling and they fight non-stop.  He buys motorcycles for the kids, ski equipment that they never use...you get the picture.  They can't afford any of this, but my sister can't seem to get him to stop.  She is depressed and on medication for that and problems with her thyroid.  Since they don't have insurance she constantly is going off her medicine because her husband says its too expensive.  He calls her names in front of the kids...on and on and on.

I don't know what to say to her.  She doesn't want to leave him, although I think she should.  I want to be supportive, but I have never been through anything like this and don't know what to say.  I feel lost and helpless.  I don't want her to be hurting like this.  I want to fix it for her, but I know I can't

To give you some background...we are half sisters, but we grew up together.  Our mother was married to her father out of convenience.  Our mother has told us this on numerous occasions.  Our mother wanted out of the house and this man (my sisters father) was her ticket out.  When our mother married my father (whom she is still married to...unhappily I will add) she also did so out of necessity.  Both of my parents refuse to get a divorce and basically live like roommates.  My sister sees this and they tell her she can't get a divorce because of the kids.  Well personally I think that is CRAP.  I think they are doing more damage to the kids by being together, fighting, and being miserable.

What would you do?  Has anyone else experienced this? 

I am really sorry this is so long, but I don't know who else to turn to.  My family is sick of hearing it.  Thank you to those who read this and responded

Sounds like your sister is following your mother's pattern. As much as it hurts, you can't tell her she has to leave. Some people need to hit rock bottom before they get forced into action.
If you can afford it, help her pay for her medication. Listen to her as much as you can. Offer help with the kids or with anything she needs and is within your emotional and financial means. If you have the room, tell her she can stay with you till she finds her feet, should she decide to leave her husband. In a tent in your back garden, if need be.
You may not have been through the same, but you know right from wrong and you know this is not right.
Your sister needs to know someone will be there for her should she ever decide to leave.

I am so sorry for you and your sister.  Are you involved in a church or religious community?  That is one of the best places for help and support no matter what the problem is.

Also, your sister should go to counseling even if her husband won't go.  This will help her either cope with what is or reach a decision to make changes.  Most larger churches offer counseling at no cost or minimal cost, so she should be able to swing that.

God bless you for being so supportive.  I will keep you in my prayers.

Thanks guys.  I know you are both right.  I keep telling her to get counseling but she hesitates going.  I don't really know why.  We do both belong to a church, but I think she is just embarrassed and ashamed to ask for help.  I will always be here for her in any way possible.  I do watch the kids as much as possible and my mother usually will pay for her medication.  I try to stay neutral as much as possible.  I feel for the kids.  I know their father loves them, but he is just in a bad place right now. 

No way should she feel embarassed about asking for help, especially from a church - that's what they are for!

But, I understand.  Just keep encouraging her to take care of herself so she will have the strength to take care of her children and do what's best for them.

She has nothing to be embarresed about. Everyone has problems in life and there are many people out there trained to help. Your church would be a great place to start. If nothing else you could go get counseling yourself to help you understand how to help her. Good Luck

she needs to leave this guy... now.  he buys the kids all this nonsense, and doesn't want her on her thyroid meds???  and calls her names, not only in front of the kids, but in front of her??? 

abuse should never, under any circumstance, be tolerated.  but no one can make her see this 'till she gets fed up enough to be able to hear it.  but tell her, and keep telling her, till she does hear it.

I lived like this for so many, many years! My father would threaten my mother by saying, "If you leave me I will hunt you down and kill you!" So that always stayed in her mind and she never left him. She did try once and he did track us down. We were hundreds of miles away too! And somehow he still found us.

I lived this way and I don't really know what to say because it was so normal to me. That's all I knew how to live. I don't think the poor kids should see their parents fighting like this. What I did with my sister was take her kids and have them live with me while she was getting abused by her boyfriend. He didn't care about the kids, so I took them in my house and took them away from all that. I don't think you can do the same.

The kids live with their mother now because she got away from him. But they still live with me during the summer. Because they got so used to living with me. 

It sounds as if your sister may be comfortable with her situation and afraid to change anything.  Her husband may be in a bad place with the failing business, however; it doesn't give him the right to take it out on her.  She needs impowerment. 

Tell your sister to form a plan to leave him with target dates and goals.  This plan is in the event that she actually does leave him and the plan itself doesn't mean that she should or will.  The plan should involve money, a place to live etc.  For example, "I will save x number of dollars for the 1st and last months rent for an apartment in this area and the money for the deposit on utilties and the money for the first weeks groceries etc. 

 Even if she doesn't follow through on leaving him, she will have shown herself that she can and more importantly it will give her a confidence that he will be able to sense.  It will either prompt him to get his act together, or she will be better off because when she does decide it is time to leave, she will already have a plan.