need advice..stuck in a rut

so i was in denial for over a year that i needed to gain back any of the weight i lost from becoming vegetarian and a super "clean" eater.  i was told i looked 10 lbs heavier than i am, so i guess i thought maybe my bone structure/fat composition was an exception to the whole BMI thing.  i wasn't starving myself.  i was eating at least 1200 calories, usually around 65% carbs, 20% fats, 15% protein (not perfect but w/e i love my carbs). even at my lowest 94lbs i never missed a menstrual cycle.

with some concern from my fiance, i decided to make a effort to relax my clean eating rules, stop counting calories and gain back some weight.  after doing this for a couple months, i've gained a couple pounds but i'm struggling more than i thought i would. 

1.  I've been feeling tremendously guilty.  i've been eating a few sweets and junky type food that don't fill me up but it's leaving me feeling guilty after so long from labeling these foods as "toxic" in my head.  i used to be addicted to fast food, soda and candy, and gave them up almost entirely for years now.  I am scared of falling back in to old bad habit when for a short time, I gained a bunch of weight.  i found eating out tends to help distract me from feeling guilty, but our budget is pretty tight and i don't think i can keep doing that.

2. i'm still underweight for 5'4" and even though i KNOW that a couple pounds doesn't make that much difference, i feel bloated and disgusted.  i haven't been intimate with my partner since this process began.  Even though I know he said he wanted me to gain weight in the first place,  I have a problem with seeing myself.  i've struggled with body issues in the past and feeling i don't fit that super petite asian ideal so i guess it's no surprise that i'd have trouble coping now that i'm trying to gain.  I think exercise would help but I'm so tired and stressed that I don't have energy.  Where do you find energy to start when you can't get a decent night sleep? My dad has cancer for the second time, the job market sucks and I'm struggling to find even crappy under paying freelance jobs, and I'm worried about my wedding I now feel like I can't afford in April and I'm rarely able to sleep for more than 5 hours.  I go to sleep and wake up worrying.

3. I feel I KNOW all the right steps I need to get healthy and it's killing me that I'm yet again failing in every aspect of my life.  How can I find the energy to get out of this rut??  Where do you start when everything seems so overwhelming and you feel like you never do enough?  I'm wishing I could afford to buy my fiance better birthday presents this month because he deserves it.  And I don't have health insurance, so please no one suggest seeking professionals.  I'm hoping that maybe if I'm physically healthier, I'll be able to cope better mentally because it'd worked in the past (only I was cleaning up from being a chubby junk food sugar addict)  The truth is, I want to go back to super clean eating 1200 calories but making this post to try and hold myself accountable to my original goal.

any suggestions food suggestions greatly appreciated. please keep in mind i'm a vegetarian, and i am also on a very very tight budget.

typical day might look like this:

half cup black coffee, multi vitamin, boiled oats cooked with banana + raw nut

miso soup with lots of seaweed, tofu, mung bean noodles, brocolli and an egg

couple pieces of chocolate, handful of animal crackers, small apple

cabbage, carrot, pepper, black beans and olive salad with vinegar+oil

half cup of grapenuts with soy milk

I think, even if you cannot afford help due to lack of insurance, you should read here: How Will I Pay - Something Fishy - this is a list of means of getting help without need for payment. And as harsh this may sound, given your past struggles you sound like you really need more support than just CC can give you. This aside, to be gaining properly at a rate you can keep it on after putting it on and to repair your damage done you need to be eating at least 2500 calories. This is if you're at a sedentary level. More, if you work out.

You'll have more energy and less of a depressive mood if you feed yourself better, for one. Poor diet and depression and melancholy are interlinked. So is insomnia.

Still, for meal plans, food tips and how to start gaining properly, this link will help you. Read it well. The Aim is to Gain: Advice on Weight Gain, Whatever Your Reason.

One of the reasons you're feeling so drained and down will be because you've not been eating properly.  A healthy young woman needs about 2000 cals a day to function normally, physically and mentally.    Someone needing to gain weight should start with 2500.  You need energy and vitamins etc., to cope with stress....  It's pretty much a given that life is always stressful, we just have to learn to cope and look after ourselves in the process.

Next step... you don't have to eat unhealthily to get the right amount of nutrition.   But do remember that food is meant to be a pleasure and a delight, not just fuel in the tank.  We might as well all be hooked up to a drip if it were.

For food suggestions...

• Breakfast... Oats cooked with milk and water, scattered with nuts, chopped banana and seeds plus some runny honey to sweeten, serve with a glass of orange juice... Aim for 400 cals in total
• Snack.... Some oatcakes, wholegrain toast or crispbreads spread with butter, cottage cheese and/or hummus.  300 cals
• Lunch... Noodle/tofu/vegetable soup with plenty of crusty bread and a a tablespoon of good olive oil stirred in.  Broccoli, egg etc...   600 cals total
• Snack.... Chocolate bar & apple.  300 cals
• Supper.... A stir fry of vegetables, cooked beans & rice using plenty of oil and (cashew) nuts to increase the calories and boost the iron content.  Fruit juice to drink. 600 cals
• Late snack... Hot chocolate milky drink, toast, butter... 300 cals total (this will help you to sleep)

Of course, if you still struggle with the idea of eating more, gaining weight or if you can't shake the idea that foods are 'toxic' then - even though I appreciate you say you can't afford it - a doctor is going to be necessary.

Eating healthy is a GOOD thing, I am struggling to put on weight becuase of my health condition. It limits the amount of weight gaining foods I can have, for example i can't have a lot of fat so I can only have non fat yogurt, greek style.  I can thankfully eat peanutbutter and almond butter, so I get all of my fat intake from that and flax seed.

if increasing the amount of food you have is too much to handle, i would suggest sprinkling some healthy toppings onto your meals.

For example, try adding on flax seed, wheat germ, raisins or any dried fruit you like onto your oatmeal, salads etc.

Beans are an excellent source of protein and energy I'd suggest those to go along with your soups, brown rice is a healthy choice as well.

Exercise is something that should be a stress reliever, have you tried something relaxing such as yoga? that is a nice thing to do that isn't high impact and can let you focus on the movements and your mind to not wonder into your worries as much.  I do it daily and it helps me immensly.

what about ommlets?  if you can't have dairy or choose not to, you can have a healthy omlet with kabocha squash or sweet potatos with some vinegar.  cook the omlet in a bit of oil that you like the taste of.

if you can have sugar (unfortunatly i can't) have a vanilla soy milk or even better chocolate soymilk with your grapenuts as a dessert! and sprinkle on some toasted almonds.

can you have larabars? those are delicious and no added sweetners.  I had two tonight becuase i didn't meet my 2500 calorie intake, just 2 bars let me reach my goal.

i hope this helps you. please remember that health is most important.  You can continue to eat what you feel are helathy without having to fall into having foods that are full of preservatives and additives. 

thanks for the advice and reality check.  for some reason, i was thinking i'd be fine with just a few hundred extra calories, because i've never felt like i'm restricting because i always eat when i'm hungry and don't feel deprived.

also, i know it sounds silly when you're trying to gain weight and like a disordered mind, but i'm afraid of eating too much sugar (even if it's natural, unprocessed) because i used to be a major sugar addict.  adding sugar to cereal, toast, pasta sauces, fruit, drinking soda, eating a bag of candy a day...it didn't effect my weight much because i was never a binge eater but i did a number on my teeth.  

i ate larger meals yesterday but it made snacking in between unappetizing.  i managed some nuts in between.  eating more for 1 day is easy.  eating so much more for days on end is the real challenge because i'm still feeling full from yesterday.  i guess i'll just have to take the stomach discomfort until i get used to it.  thanks again for the support!

Plan ahead....  When you're trying to change your body-weight (up or down) you need a plan of action.  As you say, anyone can change for a day.  But to permanently change your body-weight you need to develop a way of eating that you can happily go with for the rest of your life.

So plan your meals and snacks ahead of time.   If you eat in an unplanned, unscheduled way it's too easy to eat less than you need.  You can make meals more calorific without making them larger, for example, by adding more high-cal/low-bulk foods to them.  You don't need to add a lot of sugar either.  An extra tablespoon of olive oil used in a sauce (140 cals) will slip down much more easily than an extra serving of pasta for the same cals and you won't feel so full at the end.  Adding a sliced avocado (300 cals) to a salad doesn't make the salad any bigger....  whereas a large bread roll for the same calories would be noticeable.    If you're clever with the way your meals are comprised you can engineer it so that you're eating small, energy-dense meals and small energy-dense snacks.... but it takes some thought and preparation to make it happen.