Need Boyfriend Advice!!

My boyfriend and I started dating about 2.5 years ago and we moved in together in January. He started out working at Best Buy and I would drive him since it was a street away. You should also know he can drive but would need to get insurance to get his license back, which is too expensive for us right now(he got a DUI before we started dating).

 Anyway, since we've been living together he pretty much never feeds himself unless it's something like chips or ravioli out of a can. He'll wait until I get home from my lunch break and ask me what's for lunch, not that big of a deal also dinner is always all on me as well which is good cause I want to eat healthy so I have full control over what's for dinner. 

Another problem is he hardly ever cleans and even that is not a big deal cause all I have to do is ask or start doing it and he helps.

The big problem is that his mom got really sick and passed away unexpectedly and he took 3 weeks off work and didn't really tell them anything other than his mom had passed and didn't keep them updated or anything but he still works there. After the 3 weeks his hours just got smaller and smaller to where about 4 weeks ago he was getting one shift a week, now he's not even on the schedule and hasn't been for a while. The problem is when we moved out he was working and bringing in a smaller than mine but much needed paycheck and now he's bringing in nothing and now it just feels like 95% responsible for everything and I resent him a lot for it. I've told him this and he seemed to understand.

Whenever I talk to him about it he gets annoyed as if I'm repeating something he's heard a million times but yet he doesn't do anything about it. He doesn't ever call them to try and get extra shifts, I had to find other job opportunities for him and even then I had to help him write his resume and cover letter. I'm just exasperated because he acts like he doesn't know how to do anything himself, which I know is not the case.

I would feel better if he would pick up our place at least while I'm at work, which has been getting better but very slowly.

I was just wondering if anybody has any advice or ideas or has been in a similar situation. Overall, he's not a bad guy at all and I love him to death but if things don't change I'm thinking about making him move out until he gets himself together.

I know it is hard for you to see, because you are so close to him, but he is very depressed. Companies are notorious for cutting peoples hours and shifts or just not putting them on the schedule; that way they haven't fired you so you can't draw unemployment, because they consider him still employed he is at limbo; he should contact his main supervisor in writing and ask if he has been fired, if the answer is no or if they do not answer his question; he needs to go to the unemployment office and file for his unemployment; that way Best Buy has to answer to the unemployment commission. In his eyes he can do nothing right and he is leaning on you for everything; you must encourage him; without harping and griping at him; to pull himself together. When you tell him you resent him, it is cutting his ego and pride. I know it is hard, I went through the same thing; except my husband (now my ex) was hurt on the job and received nothing and was unable to work; it actually helped cause out marriage to fail; that he found solice with women on the internet. So if you love him, try to make it work and maybe if you had someone you could talk with about the problems it would help.

Thanks, I just really need outside perspective a lot of times, especially cause we're young and I'm only 22 so it can be hard to think of things in a broader spectrum instead of  just how I feel.

I think you're right about what his job is doing, he was going to call the HR department today so we'll see what they say.

Also I very much think we could use somebody to help us sort out our problems but it would need to be a non-biased 3rd party and unfortunately we can't afford therapy right now.

I realized this is a hard part of the year to have lost someone so I won't give him a hard time I just know things aren't working the way they are right now, for example we have practically no food in the house but I don't get paid again until the 15th and even then I have to make a car payment, an insurance payment, the rest of my car payment I could not make last time, and he has a credit card he hasn't been paying, luckily the payment is low. It's just very overwhelming.

Sounds like he is just plain and simple lazy, and was/is mooching off of you. Also his work is a street away and you had to drive him? Seriously?

UD

I agree with shoppinglady15. I think he is depressed. he really needs the support to keep going. it is not about being lazy, it is about being depressed. A depressed person can easily lose control over things in his life and just doesn't care about anything. 

so to the OP, please encourage him to go back to work or help him to get another job. if things don't change, no body can blame you if you ask him to move out. you too need to take care of yourself. 

How old are you?  Him?  I see lots of Red Flags here!  DUI?  He probably is depressed but you can't cure him.  He needs a professional.  Support and encouragement is all well and good, but don't contribute to his problem - you can't baby him.  And what about your needs?  Give it a time limit, then cut your losses and get out of the relationship.

I agree with naturistdiva.  I would start by telling him that you can not pay his credit card bill.  That you have been as helpful as you can be but paying is his bill is impacting your ability to pay YOUR bills.  There is no reason to ruin your credit rating to save his.  (you can leave that part out if you want to). 

I know from experience that a depressed person has to want to find help on their own.  No amount of loving them will make them seek help or find ways to help themselves.  But a depressed person can seriously hinder your own happiness if they do not seek that help.  Personally I have always felt that loving a partner should add to your happiness - not loss of happiness. 

I agree that he is depressed, and I myself have battled with bouts of depression over the years. Not that he doesn't have good reasons (losing a mother, then losing a job, now feeling worthless and with no motivation to do, well, anything? Yeah, totally familiar). I don't think it's laziness, he probably even feels horrible knowing that he has no energy or desire all day to even get the motivation to help you out. All adding to guilt and even more depression.

What helped me last time, my roommate gave me some tough love. She basically said that she saw what was going on and just wanted me to be happy, but that I could not go on the way I was. She repeated how she wanted me to be happy a few times (which is good because I needed to see that), and said that things needed to change, and she would help me in whatever way seh could. One thing specific, she said she would go with me to a support group for depressed people. Just that eye-opener that other people could see and that how I was feeling (awful) was affecting them jolted me in the arm. Then, just having her moral support (even though she never actually could make the meeting, her involvement in knowing about it go tme to go and keep going) was HUGE. he needs a glimmer of hope. That is all, and trust me, any depressed individual will cling to it with all they have. He is most likely desperately looking for something,  anything, and maybe you can be honest and give it to him.

Do remember, though, that he is depressed, and needs outside/professional help. You can only do so much, most likely the initial shot in the arm and ongoing support of his efforts. Anything beyond that is out of your control and beyond your capabilities. Good luck, hun!

Take care of you both...if you know him well and you know he is worth your time and your efforts .. and if he just needs some time...

Maybe his mother's passing away has affected him greatly...hmm...

I am not really sure but I wish you good luck with everything ...

He needs to wake up and become responsible. I don't blame Best Buy. If an employee doesn't report to work over a period of time regardless of the personal situation they need to terminate him. Companies need solid employees that show up for work. If he does this at any job in the future he will lose it. He needs to help supporting with cleaning and finances. If not he needs to boot out the door.

Think about your future together....is this it? Will he be a good provider? Will he be a good father? Now's the time to make it clear to him he has to be 50% of that relationship on all levels.

I feel for you!

and I agree he sounds depressed.....I got pretty depressed when I got a DUI and had to go through all that, so it's kind of natural. But he could be dpressed anyway......

The problem i see though, is that depressed or not, it doesn't sound like he's contributing to the household enough. My daughter's dad was like that when we were together...eventually he didn't work at all and just sat at home playing video games all day. I tried so hard to get him interested in ANYTHING, but it didn't work. We broke up (while I was prego), but then he changed his act and acted like he did before we moved in....just long enough to get engaged. Once engaged however, he went right back to doing NOTHING. Eventually I realized that he has to fix himself; I can't. I can be there for him, but if he won't do anything about it, I can't do anything either.

So try talking it out calmly....ask him how to help YOU (if you can somehow) cuz it seems men like helping. Or just tell him you are worried about him. And then HE has to do something about it. If he doesn't, then you can't and you'll get more and more resentful of him......until the point you decide you have to leave.

I'm not saying that you'll have to leave him, I'm just saying that if he isn't willing to help himself (even if he's not depressed, you obvioulsy need to see a change in him), then you are stuck. It didn't work out in the end for me and my ex (we split 5 months before the wedding).....but that doesn't mean that your guy won't want to fix things. But either way, you will get through it and learned from it! Good luck1

I'm really not liking what I'm hear from your essay.  With all due sympathies for the passing of his mom, you don't need to step in a become a "mom-substitute".

He sounds extremely irresponsible to me - I don't see why you would want to take that on.  He should be a leader or at least a "co-leader" in the relationship.

I come down on the side of Best Buy.  If someone doesn't show, a company will find other ways to get the job done.  He can't be their "go-to" guy.  It sounds to me like he's not your "go-to" guy, either.

His mother just died. I suspect he's grieving and unable to express it properly. Talk to him. Help him find his way through it.

I also think he's depressed and grieving, but it may be beyond you to help him. He may need professional help with depression or grief counseling.

Also, I agree with joestephens--be there for him, but don't let yourself become a "mom-substitute".

umneydurak Sorry that was a typo, a street away from where I work, and he wasn't mooching off me before it's just lately.

safina1 Thanks for that, yeah when I think about it when I was depressed I did a lot of damage to my life because I didn't care and even had a supportive boyfriend at the time. I have been helping him to get another job and there is something promising coming up but I've got my finger's crossed so we'll see.

naturistdiva I am 22 almost 23 and he is 21 almost 22. Yeah the DUI was more than 2 years ago and I knew about it going into the relationship so that's not a big deal. Besides I work in Insurance and A LOT of people have them especially in my county the cops are really strict. He wasn't driving when he got his DUI but he was drunk sleeping in his car with the keys in the ignition which is still a no-no. The time limit thing is what I was thinking, because even besides it being not fair I just don't have the money to support the both of us on my own, I just wish he would understand how serious I am when I tell him I'm stressed out and I can't do this by myself and just try harder.

madamq That makes perfect sense and I'm just frustrated with myself too because I always go for the boys that need mommying (is this even a word??) or something to help them. I've done it in each of my 3 long term relationships. The only reason I would volunteer to pay the bill is because I don't his credit to get messed up, but I suppose if he doesn't care enough to take care of it why should I? But it's hard to just think that way with someone you love, especially knowing his tendencies, he's really ADD so it's hard for him to remember everything that's important.

confused10111111 Thank you so much for that and isn't it nice to have friends when we need them? That's the time he never talks to his friends about the stuff he talks to me about and I don't know why, he has a really supportive best friend who he can only see on the weekends cause he's in the marines, and maybe that's why they don't talk about anything too serious cause when he comes it's all about having fun and others company. I have suggested and he has suggested we go to temple(he's Jewish) and I've agreed and went to Rosh Hashana services and other than that he hasn't really wanted to go to more even though services are not 5 hours long like Rosh Hashana, at least where we went. It's hard I alternate between pep talks and like pleading with him because when you move in with somebody you agree to be a team, at least I think, and I just don't know what to do because his mom was a HUGE presence in his life and anytime he had a question or needed to be reminded his mom would do it and when his dad tries to do the same he gets angry and when I try to do it he acts like he knows already, I realize though it's still new and he hasn't been dealing with his emotions instead just ignoring them and I have no advice for him on that cause I do the same thing.

afluffyadorablebunny Thank you so much and I know him better than anybody and he is definitely worth my time and effort, it's just hard right now, I'm at a loss for what I can say or do to help him

miket53 Okay, so far I've been thinking with my emotional side but I do have a logical side as well, and these are the questions that have me worried a little deeper inside, right now I feel like the answers are no but what about in 1-2 years, I think the answers then could easily be yes. We were both kind of late bloomers when it came to responsibility and being mature, but one day things just clicked for me and I realized everything I needed to do to get where I want to be but i don't know if it will happen the same way for him.

vicki8seekers Thanks! It's nice to hear this from somebody that's been there before, and where we're at now it's hasn't been long enough to know if I'll have to resort to drastic measures, but I can't help but wonder if I did want to "take a break" he would realize he's going to lose me and then get his act together, but don't we all like to think like that? haha otherwise yeah if he doesn't change I'll become resentful and start treating him how I feel, crappy. There have been times when it's been bothering me and we haven't talked about it and I'll pick on him until he brings up that's I'm being mean and then I use it as a way to say well I just feel this way towards you because of this and this, and we'll have a great talk about it, and then...2% improvement. It's just not enough.

joestephens Right now, no he's not but before we moved out together and I lived with my mom and dad, I had all kinds of problems and he was always there for me and I intend to be there for him now when he needs me most, but that doesn't include financially supporting him for months, a few weeks is ok, cause it is hard to find a new job, like he gives up before he even starts because he doesn't know where to start and that's frustrating to me cause that's not how I am.

kathygator Yeah the more I think about this the more I realize he hasn't been grieving like he should, he hasn't devoted the time to be sad, but he doesn't want to either and I don't know why. I do talk to him and we'll have a cry together but only every now and then. I'm not sure what else to do.

Thank you everybody for replying to me, I'm sorry I couldn't get back to you sooner but I didn't want him to see this, it would only make him feel worse. So, I waited until I got to work to reply. I sometimes forgot how new it is that his mom just passed away because he doesn't express his emotions about it too often and it was so unexpected that even I feel like it's not real a lot of the time. I really do love my boyfriend like I've never loved anybody else before that's why these problems are bothering me so much right now I would like to be together forever and we have talked about it a lot. I figure I can save us both a lot by laying down what I want in a relationship/marriage right now, but I just didn't know if I should be enforcing that now in the light of the situation or be a little more forgiving.

So I'm going to give this some more time and try harder myself, it's always easy to point the finger when things are less than good. If after the new year things are still looking the same way then I'm pretty sure that's my tipping point and I'll have to ask him to move out to make my life easier until he gets his together.

It's just such a hard situation when somebody you love is in pain but doesn't want to help themselves so instead they just let their lives start to collapse on them. Sorry for any typos btw, I haven't written that much in a long time.

coffincritter Yeah you make a good point, it's just since we're already pretty broke, I don't know how we could go about that unless there is something that is low cost or free in our area. I could look into it though there's got to be something.

His mom dies, then he gets essentially laid off from work. Yea, I'd be deperessed also.

He needs to find another job (I know easier said than done.) Having been out of work at one time, I can relate to his problem.

Some practical advice, get a copy fo the book "What Color is Your Parachute?" It is a manual on how to network your way into a new job. I went the mailing resumes and filling out applications route, nothing. Only when I started to work at networking did I find another job (actually had two offers at once after a long time of nothing.)

It doesn't sound like he has much of a future at Best Buy (retail electronics isn't the most stable area now a days anyway.) A new job at a new company would give him the feeling of a fresh start. Something that will help with his overall outlook.

Original Post by basicflaw:

coffincritter Yeah you make a good point, it's just since we're already pretty broke, I don't know how we could go about that unless there is something that is low cost or free in our area. I could look into it though there's got to be something.

Not sure where you're located, but sometimes city hospitals have resources, if not on the premises they might be able to tell you of programs in your area. Check in the mental health center.

zebraarbez Thanks for the advice, I feel bad because I was the one who suggested he work there cause I had worked at a different location nearby and loved it, management has since changed a lot at both stores from what I hear though. He's smarter than working at Best Buy anyway, I keep telling him to try temp agencies, they've usually worked well for me, it's how I got my job now but he's too hung up on the fact that he can't drive himself.

coffincritter I live in Southern California, about an hour outside LA, my area seems to have a lot available for people in need so I'm sure I can find something, thank you!