I need some encouragement..heartbreaking STILL..

It's been a little of a month since he broke it off with me.  We were together for a year and i thought he was the one.  I'm 33 so I've been there done that with bad boyfriends but I was so sure he was the one.  He has moved on so I've heard but why am I still hurting?  I have everything going for me why am I still hanging on to the thoughts of this loser?  Why didn't I pay attention to my intuition at the beginning?  There were red flags at the beginning but I guess I  had my rose colored glasses on.  I keep flopping back and forth from hurting to anger.  I know time will heal my heart but the thing that really hurts is that it was so easy for him to just walk away and move on so quickly.  Why is it so easy for them?   

The toughest thing to resolve is rejection.  When we want something so badly in a relationship, sometimes we even deceive ourselves of the qualities of the relationship.  I have found that much of my pain came from the rejection, not the actual loss of love.  Rejection mistakenly causes us to ask crazy questions like "What's wrong with me?"  It is a real blow to self esteem. 

Try to get to the point where you realize the relationship wasn't 'all that' and that you deserve to be with someone who is devoted to you 100%, and you are devoted to them 100%.

I have been on both sides of this fence.  Generally it comes down to 'it just wasn't meant to be.'  Just not a good match.  Probably so many disregarded signals along the way pointing this out.  Another good reason not to rush relationships.  If it is meant to be and they are the one, you will have the rest of your lives together.

But, again for me, the day I realized that what really hurt was the rejection....that was the day I was liberated from broken relationships.

It's only been a month so give yourself a bit more time to heal.  We've all had those red flags waving in our faces and still ignored them, so you are not alone in that. And sweetie, if he's already "moved on" he probably did so BEFORE he broke it off with you.  That may have been why it was easier for him to walk away...he already had someone waiting in the wings! (My ex-hubby used to do this as did my ex-fiance - they can't be alone so they replace you before they actually dump you.)

Get some time with your girlfriends now and just don't do the rebound thing.  That will only make you feel worse in the long run.  And if you aren't journaling, try it.  I always feel better after pouring it out on paper.  Sometimes I don't want anyone else to see it, but I need to get it off my chest.

Best of luck!

I just feel so stupid for not seeing these red flags.  I've always considered myself to be the strong and independent type who can spot a loser 10 miles away.  I'm disappointed in myself for not seeing the signs.  I hope this makes sense.  I have good days and today is a BAD one.  I just want to hurry up and get over this.

It takes time to get over someone, even if you know it's right to move on.  Your feelings are normal, even if they suck.  Are you able to find ways to keep busy?

I do not recommend this, but when my ex and I broke up for good, I jumped right back into dating.  I knew that I would pine away for him if I didn't feel like I was moving on and I could not risk wanting us to get back together again. 

Dating again may not be the right thing, but are there other steps you can take to feel like you are building a better life for yourself?  Is there a class you can take, an activity you can pursue? Think of all the things you couldn't because he was in your life, and do them.  Pamper yourself. Get or give yourself manis and pedis and take long steamy baths in sweet smelling water. Read a book you've always wanted to read. Explore new music.  Really focus on building yourself up and then you won't feel so bad.

Instead of thinking "why?" think "wow, I've learned a lot out of this. I've learned that I have great intuition and I need to listen to myself. What a idiot he was for letting me get away!" 

You can't move on by doubting yourself. You can only move forward by recognizing how strong you are and loving yourself.

And consider talking to a therapist. I only met with mine a handful of times, but it was all I needed to gain the right perspective. A bad relationship can really mix you up.

Grief is one of the most difficult emotions to mitigate.  It's never easy for anyone.  You're right about the passage of time, it's hard to wait...

There was a nice thread earlier that was questioning the usefulness of guilt. The specific thread was relating to food, not grief but I think it still applies.  The same for feelings like shame.  Don't judge yourself for "missed signals".  It is best to be as present as possible. 

All feelings are transient.  If you don't like the feeling you're having right now, just wait a few moments.  Remember, that the passage of every day brings you much closer to moving through this.

Allow yourself to feel every feeling, observe it but don't follow it and watch it flow into the next thought, the next feeling... people who face their grief move through it much faster than those who avoid or ignore it.  Back in the days when I was in the field of psychology, we used to tell people, deal with it now or deal with it later, but you have to deal with it, there's no escaping grief. 

The great thing is, you remember getting through this before.  You know you can do it. 

Feel free to email me if I can be of any assistance.  My email is in my profile.

I'd be more than happy to help provide you with support.

And please do remember (not that I would trade my kids for the whole world!), that sometimes even people who are in relationships wish that they could have time alone. So have YOUR time now, and you have the rest of your life to be with someone else.

This is why I love this web site.  Thank you all so much, your kind words and wisdom gave me the pick-me-up I needed today. Tomorrow will be better.  Every day will hurt a little less, I just have to be patient.  

Jen