I Need Help...

This is long, i know.  But if you read the whole thing, I'll know someone cares.

A year ago, at this time, I weighed 150 lbs.  I'm 5'5" and have been for a few years; I'll be sixteen this month.

In March, I started to lose weight.

At first it was healthy; I was counting (but not restricting) calories, exercising daily and not snacking past 7 pm.

Now, I do all of the same things...except I think I'm restricting calories.  A lot.

I guess I need like 1300-1500 calories per day; I get 800-1000. 

And before I tell you about how I am now, I want to say this.

I used to be anorexic/bulimic in the 8th grade (I'm a junior now) so I'm acquainted with the whole binge/purge thing.  I got over all by myself, but it was never really that serious to begin with.  I was about 5'3" and weighed 117 at my lowest, so again it was mild and sort of for attention.

Well then I gained a crapload of weight - that's how I got to 150.  I would purge occasionally, like if my family was over and we ate a big dinner and cake and such - which was maybe twice a year.  Which I honestly don't think was a problem.

But then after I started losing weight I missed ice cream and such; so I started binging/purging.  A lot.  Sometimes every day.

I've managed to stop for long periods of time - weeks.  But I've relapsed.  Every time I swear it's "the last time," but then I start wanting more food and I don't care.

What sucks about it is I don't enjoy any food now.  In my mind, I guess, I might as well be puking it up.

Okay so now I weigh 105.  I never wanted it to go this far.  My goal weight was 120, and 110 if I looked good at that weight.

I think I look good now...but maybe I have a distorted image of myself.  Which I probably do.

I'm not anorexic; I used to have this plan where I'd eat 300 calories for breakfast, 500 for lunch and 700 for dinner.

Well now it's more like 300 for breakfast, 300 for lunch, 300 for dinner (when I keep it down; which I never do.  I binge/purge dinner a lot).

I thought at first that I was binging/purging at dinner because I eat it alone.  my family is always busy, so I demanded that everyone have a sit-down dinner tonight.

And, well...I still did it.  No one really noticed that I ate a LOT - they were probably hoping that I didn't notice that I was eating that much.  I do look pretty thin.

I am absolutely terrified, though, that I'll become anorexic.  every day it's like my caloric intake goes down by 50, which sounds mild but it adds up, as I've noticed.  I don't want to get down to 500 calories a day or something scary.

I have a plan, sort of.  I think I'll start by MAKING SURE I get 900 calories a day at first, then after a week or two, aim for 1000...then eventually I'd like to reach a solid 1500.

I don't want to be a person who has to starve to be thin.  I want to eat, drink and be happy - and not feel guilty about it.

I don't want to ruin my metabolism, my body.  I don't want to have to cheat at life to get what I want.

I don't WANT to become anorexic.  Please...help.

Oh hon.  I'm very sorry you're going though this.

You already have an eating disorder.  If you're b/p'ing like that, you are dealing with bulimia or purging anorexia.  And, anorexics DO eat, so even if you are eating like you are, you could also be dealing with anorexia.  

Each time you purge, you risk a stroke or heart attack.  Severity isn't related to how thin you are, but your behaviors and emotions towards eating.

You need to get professional help.  Please.  www.somethingfishy.org

I was in a similar situation to yourself. I was 5' 6" and 145 lbs, went down to 114-115 lbs, and for a long time, I ate 800-900 cals/day. But at some point, I decided that I didn't want to screw up my metabolism, so one day I decided to really aim for 1100-1200, and sometime later, 1400-1500. If you do it gradually - say, 100 cals/week, the increase won't seem very overwhelming, and it's quite possible to raise your calories to a healthy amount without stressing about it too much. Another way is to eat higher-calorie foods, like whole milk, yogurt, cheese, nuts, oily fish... those would provide very good nutrients for your body (which is probably starving for them!) To avoid binging, do it like this: if you maintain a week of more cals, allow yourself some ice cream or other treat on the weekend.

But like the above poster said, if you don't have anorexia, then you definitely have an eating disorder. It's something you must work on - your health is the most important thing you have! Would it help to talk to a therapist/nutritionist? Some people don't want to do into therapy (like myself, haha!) but I don't mind seeing a nutritionist... they can be very helpful. :)

Good luck and best wishes!

Wow.. I just posted a journal about something like this! I had been eating under 600 cal a day for a few weeks and then I saw this thing on starvation mode - It scared the crap out of me and I actually think it may have changed the way I think... It sounds like you might need some real help but! Have a look around, research ED's and have a look at the affects of starvation mode. It could scare you straight? You should talk to your family or someone you trust, they will be able to watch you and it will make you accountable.

Good luck!

Copy of posts from duplicate thread:

http://caloriecount.about.com/forums/post/114 160.html

Original Post by sharkythesmurf:

It's great that you are able to be so honest and straightforward about this. Even better that you can see what's wrong and have an idea what to do.

I've purged off and on for a while, and the hardest part is resisting the urge. It really, really helps to have something to do right after you eat, like maybe do the dishes, do homework, engage in conversation- anything that will hold your attention long enough and keep you interested. That helps me a lot.

Your plan is very good. I wish you nothing but the best and I hope my advice is helpful.

Original Post by memorycatcher:

It's amazing you can be so honest with us.  Thank you. 

I think, if you aren't comfortable telling your family what's going on, you need to go talk to the school nurse right away and ask for a counseling consult.  It might be wise to call planned parenthood too, they have basic health care, at least in california and would be able to give you a referral to psychologist. 

I think you need to tell your parents.  They have probably noticed the weight loss and are getting concerned.  They might not know how to bring it up with you.  Remember, you are their first and last concern (if they are good parents.)  They want to help you.

Loves and Kisses.  Let us know how it works out. 

Original Post by lleport:

Please help yourself.  Half of the battle is determining your problem and you have that identified. Next you need to get focus on getting better.  Add more calories but exercise; ONLY once you are intaking more calories and keeping them in.  I really wish you the best and please feel free to contact me with any future questions or support needed.  Most importantly you need to get better.

Thank you all <3.

I'm eating breakfast right now.  I'm resolving to get AT LEAST 900 calories every day for the first week and a half, then I'll get back up to 1000, then so on and so on.

I just don't get how I got to this point.  I was doing so well - eating 1500 every single day, sometimes a little less sometimes a little more.  Everything seemed perfect then but I guess I just kept wanting to lose more weight...

First of all, I commend you on facing this. Admitting to disordered eating is both a huge step and a tough thing to do. Start first by speaking to someone you can trust - whether it be a parent or another loved one, a doctor, a councellor, a friend. You've identified your trouble with calories, so throw that switch into reverse and build them back up again. I would go so far as to tell you to aim for 2000 ultimately to fully jolt your metabolism. And remember, if you feel you can get higher than what you set yourself per day go for it!

When you feel like you want to purge, get busy. Draw, or write, or read - or whatever you enjoy doing that won't result in compensatory behaviours. If I ever get an urge to restrict I go look for a family member to talk to, or I call up a friend for a chat. Even just come on here and write into Notepad instead of actually doing it. Get the urge out of your mind and busy your hands, and the feeling will pass. Try to keep away from exercising until you've been eating 1800-2000 consistently for a while, as it can merge into purging behaviours. If you do exercise, make sure to eat it back. Don't step on the scales for a couple of weeks either.

Otherwise, your plan is well set out. If you need help or support let me, or us know. I wish you luck - you can fight this. :D

Original Post by lalabanana:

First of all, I commend you on facing this. Admitting to disordered eating is both a huge step and a tough thing to do. Start first by speaking to someone you can trust - whether it be a parent or another loved one, a doctor, a councellor, a friend. You've identified your trouble with calories, so throw that switch into reverse and build them back up again. I would go so far as to tell you to aim for 2000 ultimately to fully jolt your metabolism. And remember, if you feel you can get higher than what you set yourself per day go for it!

When you feel like you want to purge, get busy. Draw, or write, or read - or whatever you enjoy doing that won't result in compensatory behaviours. If I ever get an urge to restrict I go look for a family member to talk to, or I call up a friend for a chat. Even just come on here and write into Notepad instead of actually doing it. Get the urge out of your mind and busy your hands, and the feeling will pass. Try to keep away from exercising until you've been eating 1800-2000 consistently for a while, as it can merge into purging behaviours. If you do exercise, make sure to eat it back. Don't step on the scales for a couple of weeks either.

Otherwise, your plan is well set out. If you need help or support let me, or us know. I wish you luck - you can fight this. :D

Thank you, too.

I go on an hour long walk and do pilates daily.  But that's not vigorous exercise; I've never been one to purge via exercise.

I want to tell my mom or a friend, but I don't know.  I keep telling myself that if the case gets worse, I'll tell someone.

But then I'd just look vulnerable and I don't want that...

Oxy: It was horribly difficult for me to tell my mum that I'd developed anorexia. There was some shouting, and lots of tears, but it was a very, very smart decision on my part. She helps me out when I'm down and at the same time knows to be careful with some of the things she says (she's very jovial and jokey, so the odd sort of "Ooh, you have a bum now!" comment does come along sometimes). But I am glad I didn't put it off.

Honestly, don't delay to a point that you think it needs to be "serious" to tell someone because it's serious already. Don't consider yourself vulnerable. I am sure your mum and your friends love you and will help you out - you just have to sit down and talk to them.

take it from someone who has been through exactly what you're going through at that age and is still struggling with it every day.  i'm in my 20s now, and every single day, i wish i had gotten help earlier instead of starting when i was almost 20.  this is something that i regret all the time, because the longer you wait on telling someone of getting help, it only gets worse.  tell your mom or talk to a counselor.  they can really take the load off your shoulders.

WOW i exactly second what tennislove said... im 22 and WISH TO GOD i never started what i have myself in now... please be open and HONEST with people.... they love you and want to help