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I need help

Ok, so jsut a little review, I'm 14 (will be in a few days) 5'2' 94lbs. I eat 700 calories a day, I'm really trying to convince myself if i gain 15 pounds I'll look better, healthier, but I'm afraid I'll feel really uncomfortable in my body. Now, everytime I think I'm fat, I jsut remind myself that I'm about 15 pounds less than all my friends, and then I lok at my friends and they're not fat, so I know I'm not. I look at them eat 700 calories in one meal/snack, and that makes me feel reeally skinny, and I feel at peace with that. But then I think about everything I miss that I love, my grandma's homecooked meals, chocolate! anything that's not baby carrots or pita (my daily diet). II don't feel pressured to exercise right now, but I'm afraid if I eat normally I''ll feel like I always need to be active. Today at school, my teacher pulled me aside and asked if anything was wrong because I had gotten so thin compared to last year. My mom says it, my aunt is saying, I wanna see you gain some, everyone is saying it, and I think, hey, if I get really underweight, then I can eat all the foods I love and not get fat! because I'lh ave to eat if I don't want to die. SO now my birthday is coming up on Sunday, and my goal is to make that my start day, where I wake up, and my grandma makes me special birthday pancakes with nutella and I eat them without a care in the world, and then I have peanut butter, and go out to a nice dinner and get whatever i want and actually eat it, instead of makingn up some excuse like, oh they didn't cook the pasta long enough, or Oh, I didn't realize tehre was eggplant in this, I don't like it, and I'll purposely order soemthing i don't like so I don't have to eat it. But I don't want to do that, I want my birthday to be my new beginning, because now even my teachers are noticing a difference. But then, I look through posts from other weight gainers and realize I'm not nearly as severely underweight as half the people on here, so now I'm on this crash diet until my Birthday to lose as much as possible so that I can still eat whatever I want on my brithday. But, I'm afraid that after I eat on my birthday I'm going to feel terrible, and fat, and want to cry, and I keep reminding myself, if you gain 5 pounds you'll still be skinny, and this one day WILL NOT put five pounds on you, that's what I keep thinking to myself, btu then I feel like it's just an excuse some fat person would make so that they'd be able to eat. Then there are times where I get really scared because my normal person is out, and I know I'm not eating enough, and I feel like I'll have a heart attack at any moment, and I'll never get to eat real food again, or be with my fmaily, and I want to cry. I hate this so much, I just want to eat, but I also really don't. I hate it so much. I just don't feel like I'm underweight enough to eat a weight gain diet:( I hate this so much:,(

It makes me so sad to read this because I see myself completely in your post.

I am pretty much the same weight as you and I am the same height and I am on a weight gain diet. We are still very underweight it impossible to gain full mental health without maintaining a healthy weight.

I know how hard it is, but you will never feel thin enough to need to gain, thats the trick our minds play on us.

Trying to lose as much weight as possible is a stupid and DANGEROUS idea! It is unnessacery! People can be very ill even at a BMI of 17 or 18. You are below this! I did the same once, thinking I needed to be really thin to get help and I almost ended up in hospital.

Don't compare yourself to the people on here. Most of the great friends I have made need to gain a lot more weight than me - that doesn't mean me or you are any less deserving of food, help or support.

I'm here to help, if you need advice or to talk, don't fall into the 'I'm not underweight enough' trap - its a lie.

you need to be aware of a few rules here.

you need to decide you want to get better. okay? this means if you want to post here, you need to eat a minimum healthy amount of cals for a teen. this is 1500. if you are going to continue eating 700 or anything sub 1500, then you are not welcome here. this is harsh and you are a kid. but you have chosen to take this step posting here and you need to be aware that there are recovering anorectics and bulimics here eating 700cals 5 times a day and to read your post is very very triggering.

people here are willing to help and advise and support but again no games here. we have all been in the boat you are in and games are not productive.

you are v. young and clearly very conflicted. i suggest that you get some real help. outside. your teacher, parents, gp even your school counsellor. but you need more than what this site can practically offer you.

you need to start eating 1500 right now. initially you will gain some water weight as your body gets used to the new cals - but this will settle quickly. keep on the track you ar on and you will find yourself in big trouble

emma-Thank you, I really liked what you said about 'it doesn't mean we're any less deserving of food, help, support, etc." I know my mind just wants to see someone say, like you have said, you're underweight! Are you kidding! You're not healthy! And I hope that will make it eat, but everytime, it's the same. I remember when I actually saw a 9 as the first digit on the scale, and I htought, omg, now this is true sickness, and now I'm even lower, and if it had been a few months ago, when I was leaving the 100s, I would probably run downstiars, so free, feeling I could eat whatever, I'd probably grab a PBJ, but now, if its anything but carrots, pita, along those lines, it doesnt go near my face, because I'm afraid I'll "inhale" the calories. This week is really tough because I feel like I have to really cut back so that I can eat on my brithday. But i'm jsut glad you responed, you're helping me, thank you for talking:)

fidget- I'm sorry for positng this, but I can't abandon this site now, or I may never recover. I've been seeing a nutritonist, I'm going to a teen therapist, and working with my doctor, and it really hurts for you to say 'I'm not welcome here,' when everyone here is very much like me, and can support me, because they have already been here, through this part, ignition. This isn't a game, at all, don't you see? I would NEVER choose to roll the dice into this horrible distinction. Again, I'm sorry, but I'm really trying here, and seeing these obstructive posts, they don't help. I'm sorry to anyone I may have 'triggered' but maybe you could help me? I'll do anything to get out of this, I want to so badly, it's just, I'm weak:(

i didnt say you werent welcome here. i said if you are not prepared to up your calories to a minimum of 1500 you are not welcome here. to gain weight you need to be eating 2500. and if you "on a crash diet until your birthday" then you are not welcome here. so decide what you want. you want to get better or you want to lose more weight?

if you are seeing a nutritionist, i cant imagine that she has a meal plan of 700 cals for you. so what does she say you should be eating, and and what are  you eating. this is what i mean by games.

you clearly have a team of ppl behind you but if you are still only eating 700 cals then you are lying to all of them and yourself

I know I will not be happy continuing like this, so why not jsut start eating now, and start getting happy now? That's what I'm shaping my mindset to be, and I just feel better posting, and having others (like emma) like me, that can act as reassurance through my calorie increase. I'm going to, ok, I promise, I'm promising myself, this will not continue. 

so when do you plan on upping your calories to 1500? and are you going to get off this crash diet?

Yes, my birthday is my start day, it's Sunday, I don't care what anything tells me, I'm jsut going to take the fork, and put the food in my mouhth, without even thinking, because I know I"m killing myself like this. Right? I'm just going to do it, I just need support, and that's why I post.

i think if you are committed then you start now. today. because chances are sunday will come and you will duck out.

like i said,  no games. now ppl are investing time and care into you and it is a big 2 fingers to your parents, nutritionist and doctor to keep going the way you are going. why wont you start right now. putting it off is the kind of attitude that will bother ppl here.

My eating disorder (anorexia) started when I was only 8 or 9.  I'm just 2 years older than you (I'm 16) and I've been living in this hell for 8 whole years.  The longer you wait, the more excuses you make, the more entrenched the illness come, and the harder it is to break free from this awful disease.

I'm not going to lie and say it's easy, because it's not.  But taking the initiative and realizing you have to change is the first step.  It's good you have a therapist & nutritionist.  I'm not trying to scare you, but life will only get worse if you stay in your illness, don't gain the weight, don't recover.  Life with an ED is not life.  And resisting treatment will only make it worse.  I've been hospitalized (long-term) 10+ times [i've lost count].  I've missed so much school, so many parties, so many friendships, so much of my life just because I've been so stubborn.  Please, don't make the same mistakes I've made.  

People obviously care about you, and they are obviously worried.  You deserve happiness, health and a full life.  I have to disagree with fidget--I think the fact that you realize you need help is a tremendous step in the right direction.  I'm guessing what offended her was the low calorie posting.  My only question is, why wait on beginning your journey to recovery and a better life?  Why waste this week with the mental battle?  Start your recovery TODAY.  Don't wait.  Tell your eating disorder to f*** off.  Defy it, change your life.  But, in the beginning especially, be sure to be monitored by a doctor for health complications (you might want to go to a cardiologist to check for heart problems...starvation eats away at muscles, and your heart is a very important muscle).  A starved brain cannot process info as well as a nourished one, and it is often irrational.  You have heard the rational ones:  you know you are underweight, you need to gain weight, you would be healthier at a higher weight.  Screw the "ED voice".  Best of luck on your journey to recovery, and happy (almost) birthday!

:D, thank you swim, you made me smile:) I keep trying to convicne myself that I'll be happier as ED continues, but everyday, every moment I am unhappy, extremely. I'm operating on the mindset that my body is pliable, and if I do become uncomfortable wiht my body, which I won't, I can always come back, and start over, but I won't, but I'm just saying that for ED, to distract ED until I, ME, can come back strong enough to throw ED out, FOR GOOD!

Hang in there!  You can do it! You deserve love, food, compliments, and the ability to be open and free. I believe being able to open up and get the right type of support is the "meat" of CC, so continue coming, posting, and venting - I don't think anyone really would mind.

And Happy Birthday!

V.

11october

I waited all of the time. It was always "starving for tomorrow" or "starving for next week" or "bingeing just one more day, I'll "start fresh" tomorrow" meaning that I'd start restricting or overexercising.

You're 14. There is so much time for you. There is so much hope.

You can do it. You can get better now. Tell the nutritionist, tell your mom, tell your friends, tell a doctor, tell everyone to help you, and to hold you accountable.

What's between 14 and 26 years?

It could be... your enjoying your grandma's cooking, and maybe some chocolate once or twice a day, and just enjoying it... and your finding new foods when you get to college, your loving your body, your being able to be healthy enough to do sports and activities and all of that jazz, your having a mind healthy enough to handle college, your not having to lock yourself away because the stress of all of it makes you sick....

Or it could be... the "fat free muffin diet" then going off the diet til you gain 75 pounds then losing the weight by purging by various means and then having serious self esteem issues (related to the comparing yourself to your friends? you don't need others to be fatter than you and you don't need to base your self esteem on others finding you attractive or thin), your going on one crash diet, your overexercising, your hormones being so messed up that you are depressed and suicidal, your going through college actually basing actions on food - whether you go out, whether you can starve, what binge foods they have in such a place, etc. - your not knowing that you are pregnant with your first child and so you take 50 laxatives and binge and purge....

Yeah, the above paragraph is part of what happened to me from the time I was 14 on.

Do it now. I'm begging you. Escape this. Don't be 26 and still worry about "good day" or "bad day" or "good food" or "bad food". Just be 14 and live life. Who gives a rat's butt how skinny your friends are? My friends were skinnier than me for a lot of my life, and I say this now that I have adopted some confidence... I was hotter anyway. But being hot isn't important. Being smart, being a good person, and being healthy - that's what's important.

Get healthy. Save yourself from a lifetime of pain. Save yourself from hormonal imbalance and a restricted life - not just in calories, but restricted like a prisoner is restricted.

You can do it. Just do it. And do it now. I promise you, the crash diet before your birthday will only lead to a binge which will lead to more restricting.  Give yourself the birthday gift of moving past this eating disorder.

Wow! I started tearing up while reading this!
That was just like all my thoughts in the back of my head that the ED voice is trying to keep secret, but YOU brought it to the front of my mind and well now I'll work on sorting it out! .. Thanks! :)

On a more serious note though: from someone the same age, weight, and height as you.. also struggling to fight this stupid person in my head!: Seriously, you need to stop this, and make the change NOW! I know it's hard! And as much as I hate to say it; everyday you carry on this way it gets 100x harder!!And yes, this is speaking from experience! I feel for you, I know what you're going through, trust me, as much as I regret it, I KNOW! You NEED to tell someone who supports you about gaining, a parent, a doctor, both would be best, actually.

But trust me, I've done it a zillion times before.. ;;;go on a huge crash diet thinking; "oh, as soon as I'm skinny enough! Just give me a couple more days, I promise, I'll eat on the weekend, that's WHY I'm not eating now!"
But no! Every time you say that to yourself, it makes the ED voice get stronger, and stronger [think of it like: if someones running a race, they train their body every day so they'll be ready for the final challenge because they want to win. right?]    Well that's exactly what your ED voice is doing. And you're letting it practice, and train for the 'big day' so when the final challenge is in front of you you're ED voice will be soooo Strong it will win!

But you said you didn't want to let it win, you said you wannah win right!?
You can! You can win. But you can't do it on your own, I guarantee you that.

And if you are really more like me than appears to be; and if your ED voice twists that around and tells you 'you're not THAT sick' . 'or no, ED is good, it'll protect you, it won't let you get hurt'    Well if that or anything along the lines is going through your head right now? Well surprise!(NOT) It just DID hurt you!

Get well soon! You better!:P (no really!) msg me anytime!♥

I know I don't really know you, but for some reason I really want you to make it. To get better! Well yeah, I feel that way about everyone here on CC but for some reason you especially! Maybe because I see myself in you. Because just a few months ago I was EXACTLY where you are now! Don't give up! Please! Just let it sink in. This voice in your head doesn't just make your life a living hell, but each passing day that no one knows how mean the ED voice is treating you, it makes theirs a living hell too! You can trust me on this, as much as it sucks, it's true!

I agree with fidget - I was actually surprised to see that this thread mentioning 700cals daily had not been locked.

This website is a wonderful and supportive community but we are strongly pro-recovery and that means only people actually in recovery should post, as like fidget pointed out it's triggering to other people otherwise.

So get those calories up today - yes, it is hard, but there's nothing stopping you except yourself. Putting off recovery will only make it harder, not easier.

You can put recovery off for a lifetime but all you will have achieved is staying miserable for longer; at the end of the day, if you want to be happy you have to start putting in recovery work - and there is no better time to start than now.

If you fail to start recognizing your problem and dealing with it NOW, TODAY (not waiting until Sunday)...

This is what is going to happen to you The Body Neglected

After your bones deteriorate and your reproductive organs become so atrophied they don't work, your other organs, including your brain will be permanently damaged. You will end up as a stunted adult with brittle bones and infertility.  But that's not the worst.

According to this medical authority NEDIC 

"The death rate for eating disorders is high: it ranges between 18% (in 20-year studies) and 20% (in 30-year follow-up studies). In fact, the annual death rate associated with anorexia is more than 12 times higher than the annual death rate due to all other causes combined for females between 15 and 24 years old." Cavanaugh, Carolyn. What we know about eating disorders: facts and statistics. In Lemberg, Raymond and Cohn, Leigh (Eds) (1999). Eating Disorders: A reference sourcebook. Oryx Press. Phoenix, AZ.

It goes on to say " The death rate associated with anorexia nervosa alone is more than 12 times higher than the overall death rate among young women in the general population."
Sullivan PF. Mortality in anorexia nervosa. American Journal of Psychiatry, 1995; 152(7): 1073-4.

These are recognized medical sources.  I suggest you take them seriously and seek help for your problem.

This is a problem that rarely, if ever, goes away on it's own.  It takes support from a whole team -- family, friends, specialists, etc -- but no one can help you UNTIL you let them in on your problem.

And here is where you, and your parents, can find information about dealing with eating disorders should you have any concerns or questions about this kind of stuff.  So, perhaps you could let your parent(s) or a counselor know if you are already involved or seriously considering doing this....  Anyway, here's a good link with lots of information about eating disorders...

Something-Fishy.org

Again, we are glad you are here and hope you will continue to participate in the forums, but please respect the posting guidelines.   More posts like this will be locked and/or deleted.
 

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