I need help...

I have never done this before. I am fat and I need help. I am out of control. People think I have my life together: a decent career, a good husband, almost finished with school, living overseas and they think I am happy and very fortunate. I am but I am out of control when it comes to my dieting and eating. I just turned 30 and I am the heaviest I have EVER been and I don't know what to do. I can't turn to my family or my husband...I don't know where to go, I don't know what to do. I have been on the Red Bracelet Project site and looking at all that pro ana stuff, hoping to god I could become anorexic. I know how stupid and **** that sounds, I really do! In other parts of my life, I really am not that dumb. I love to read and study and I know being overweight is bad for you. A lot of my family has diabetes, have had limbs amputated and have died from heart attacks. I know that over eating and being obese can kill me. I know all the ramifications but I still over eat. I still eat huge portions and I can't stop. OMG...I am so **** out of control it is disgusting. I don't know I am like this. I can go long periods without eating too. I mean I rarely eat at work....I don;t eat breakfast but ****, when I get home, I'm like a tasmanian devil. Even when I started eating breakfast and then eating lunch at work, I am still famished when I come home. And sometimes I find myself eating mindlessly in front of my computer after I had dinner and didn't know I even got something to eat. What am I going to do with my blubber ass! I have access to a free gym and I don't go. I am so ashamed when people look at me. And then you know what I do? Go home and eat more...I need help and I'm puring my emotions on the line here...I didn't use my real name and no one will ever know I am on here but it's now or never. I feel if I can't get it under control

I'm going to die.

Thanks Texmom, JP is fine :)  You're right mindless eating it isn't.  It actually sort of happened in a fast blur.  Food has been my comfort, it cheers me up when I am sad, calms me when I am stressed.  As much as I know this and want it to change, I haven't been too successful.  But, I am going to take it day by day, even meal by meal. I did log it and went over my calories by ALOT.  It's hard to not get discouraged.  It just really seems like such a long road ahead of me.  But I really have no other choice and I want to lose this weight sooooo much.

JP,

OK then. 

I USED to be a stress eater.  I USED to eat comfort food.  I wanted to say this morning I ate that biscuit because I was stressed, but the truth is I just wanted it.  It looked good and I wanted it.  I violated my own conscience.  But that is behind me now.  I start again.

The battle for losing weight is fought and either won or lost in the mind.

Everyday you wage the battle in your mind.  Who will win?  The real You? or the OLD YOU?   I am really working hard to change the way I think, day by day.  Each time I win the battle, my mind gets stronger.  My attitude gets better and I win more and more.  The less I violate my conscience the stronger that little voice calls to me when I am tempted. 

WARNING: RELIGIOUS SPEECH, if it bothers you skip to the bottom.

I tell myself now:  I am not a stress eater, I am a stress pray-er.  I am not a stress eater, I lean on the Lord when I am worried.  Food doesn't comfort me, I am comforted by God.  Food is not a solace for my soul, the Word is a solace for my soul.

OK RELIGIOUS SPEECH OVER.

It works for me to use positive speech.  And I am getting stronger everyday.  I had a little mis-step this morning, but that's behind.  Catching your mistakes really quickly and walking them through in your mind helps to prevent it next time.

I hope I didn't ramble too much, but you know what?  I am still working out my morning and fixing in my mind...let's not make that mistake again.  Start again.

Now JP, this is for you....

TURN THE WANT TO INTO POSITIVE ACTION!!!

Texmom

Everyday, a thousand times a day, God wants me to take better care of myself. I am going to remember your words Food doesn't comfort me, I am comforted by God

thanks!

Flirtin Mom,

You are welcome.

Texmom -

Thanks for the reminder that there is a constant source of comfort that has nothing to do with food. I too am comforted by God each and every day.

God bless,

Sunni

Sunnim,

It is because I need to remind myself.  I realize some people don't want to hear religious talk on a forum which is why I put the disclaimer so folks could skip over it if they don't want to read it.  But, my faith is a big part of my life and it would be hard to totally leave it out. 

In fact, getting past the fact that I've ignored my conscience all these years is difficult.  I have to accept the fact that I've done that, forgive myself and go forward.