Need help speaking to 15 yr old teenage girl

I need some help and I thought that some of the teenagers or moms with teenagers could maybe help out.

My boyfriend, who I live with, has a 15 year daughter (almost 16) who does not live with us and is in a completely different state.  She is a great girl and super sweet.  I would say that we are becoming friends and we talk and things but I am still her dad's girlfriend.  Her mom will not let her visit us because my boyfriend and I live together but are not married.  That is an entirely other story.  But his daughter, we will call her Susie, is going through the typical 15 year old girl insecurities.  She was talking to her dad last night on the phone and she was telling him how when she looks in the mirror that she does not like what she sees and wants to get rid of the fat on her stomach and wants her butt and legs to be different.  Her eating habits are just so so from what I have seen and I don't think that her mom really provides much nutritional insite or really pays too much attention to healthy and low calorie eating habits.  And of course being a teenager she is hanging out with friends and eating fast food and stuff.  Drinks soda and everything.  She knows that she needs to start an exercise program but does not know where to start.

I gave her some suggestions last night on the phone but its hard to influence her eating when I don't want to say anything bad about her mom and I really don't want to hurt her feelings just because she is uneducated in the area of nutrition.  And also not being there on a constant basis.  I get a subscription to Shape Magazine and I said that I would send her some so she could read up on exercises and healthly eating.  I also told her about some exercises that I thought would help her out.

Oh and she is not allowed on the internet because of past experiences. 

So my question is what can I do or say to her?  How can I help her out more?  I don't want to sound preachy either.  And where is a good place to start?

Ah, man, I was the chubby girl in high school...I understand her pain.

I would just let her know that you are there for her, for any questions she might have, or even just to talk. Just tell her to make sure she's active, and try to stay away from soda and sweets, and fried foods. If she is talking about it to you/her father in the first place, that is a good sign. And sometimes people just need to know that there is someone they can turn to! Maybe anytime you come across a really good article online or advice online, just print it out for her for the next time you see her.

But, I have a question. What do you think of her body? I don't mean in a gross way, but you mentioned how she feels about herself, without really saying if she IS in need of losing some weight.

Just a note about teenagers...as they go into the teenage phase, us moms start to lose our influence...and their friends become a higher influence. 

Because of that, you really wouldn't have to say anything about what her mom has or has not taught her...instead you can address how teenagers eat, how teenagers obsess too much over weight, how they compare themselves to others all too often, how the young people they see on tv are not typical, how too many young girls have eating disorders or poor self-image.  And what can you tell her is the solution to all this, healthy eating and exercise and accepting herself as she is.  Reassure her that she cannot change certain things about her body type.  I always wished I could change things about myself when I was a teen but they are still the same today no matter what weight I am.

Best of luck.

she is definitely not a chubby girl.  she still has that baby fat thing going on.  I would say her body type is more like a J Lo but all she needs to do is get more exercise.  She is a very pretty girl and can have an amazing figure if she just makes a few little life changes.

She used to dance  a lot and she has not been able to do that so that has taken a little toll for sure.  I told her that she could start doing things like walking more and if she wanted to run she could but that was not the only things she could do.  I also told her to watch her portions and make sure she was eating lots of veggies.  I should have said something about the soda and sweets and fried food.  next time. 

I agree that is was a huge step for her that she is talking to people about it and I told her dad that he should tell her how proud he is of her for talking about it.  I also told her that she should be really proud of the things that her body can do like the dancing and that everyone has their insecurities and its normal to feel that way and ok.  But she needs to not go over bored with obsessing about them or get too controlling of what she eats and things because it will end up being worse for her in the end.

You can buy her books and magazines about nutrition and fitness (good start with Shape mag), but I wouldn't do anything to upset her mother.  That would put her in the middle and you don't want that at any cost!

dcgirl,

The fact that you're talking to her and giving her advice and she's actually willing to talk to you is a great thing! As a high school teacher, I, unfortunately, see a lot of girls that don't have that type of support and wouldn't know where to turn.

Her mom won't let her visit? Is there a joint custody thing going on? Sorry, none of my business, but I think it's important that a teenage girl have a good relationship with her father, even if he doesn't live with her. It sounds like you both have her best interests at heart.

christianrock_chick  - I did say all of those things to her.  I told her that teenagers go through this time and it takes a while to feel "comfortable" in our own skin and the even now when i am almost 30 I have to deal with that.  But you start to understand what your good points and bad points are and you start to focus on the good and realize that you can only control so much.  I also told her that what the media puts out there is not always a healthy image and its hard to see that stuff because we are all very influenced by it in a negative way.

If you spend time with her, maybe take her walking with you or something. And just TALK about how she feels, what she can do etc. I mean, I was RIDICULOUSLY insecure about my body when I was 15 - even though I was skinny! I thought I was a whale, and looking back now I just think, "how could I have been so stupid?". Anyway I think that if she had someone to talk to who clearly knew what they were talking about, and could give her some healtyh encouragement - that would really help. I wouldn't be too worried about her mom. Chances are her mother would be a bit threatened by you anyway. If you just show that you're being helpful and you want to help her be HEALTHY as opposed to SKINNY, that would be a good thing.

15 is a dangerous age for body image. Obsessing over one's weight can lead to crash dieting and/or eating disorders. She needs to learn to love her body and treat it as a temple.

I think that it is best to focus on the nutritional/health aspects of a lifestyle change rather than zoning in on weight. Eliminating soda and other empty drinks is an easy first step. It is also important to recognize good fats as well as being aware of dangerous (trans) fats. When I was a teenager, all the weight loss material out there made me demonize all fats, but this is simply wrong. She should be aware that some foods (avocados, almonds, flax, etc) contain the essential fatty acids that build your organs, including your brain - without them we couldn't function. A 15-year old is still developing mentally and physically and needs lots of good nutrient rich foods.

In addition to being aware of nutrition, she should increase activity by participate in something active that she will love. Maybe she could take yoga classes, learn karate, join a hiking club or play a school sport. These things are fun, social and can create a life-long trend of staying fit.

charlottemccullough - well her mom has sole custody but her dad has visiting rights but its hard to see her given that she lives about 5 hours away (by car).  Her mom will not let her come up here because she does not approve of our living situation, even though her mom did live with her now husband before they were married.  I think its just her mom being spiteful.  She will let us see her if we go visit but we have her over night then we have to tell her mom that we are staying in separate beds.  Susie, things her moms rules are out of line and it really is unfounded.  I tend to agree but we do try to support her moms rules as much as we can.  Susie and her dad are very close and they talk on the phone often and she does confide in him quite a bit.  Its hard because they are apart by distance and he wishes he could see her more but its hard given work and the distance.

juniperfire - I agree with you 100%.  I think our converstation last night was the first of a lot of good conversations about being healthy and what that means.  I told her how I felt about my body and that I had my obsessions but we learn to deal with those in a healthy way and eating healthy is the most important thing.  I told her about personal experiences when I was her age and how she feels is normal because at her age things are changing so much.  Even though it sounds so cliche its so true. 

I am sure her mom probably does feel some jealousy or whatever towards me.  SHe and I have never met and I am not sure that I want to any time soon.  I am sure she would judge me.  but whatever. thats fine.  she has the right to feel however she would like to.

You definitely have to emphasise that this should be about health, and that if she gets the eating well & exercising part down - the weight thing will come naturally. When I was 15, i took diet pills to lose weight - I literally didn't give a flying f___ that I was doing harm to my body. If someone had said to me THIS is what happens if you starve yourself or take diet pills etc, I would never have done that!

Also, she's so young! This is the perfect time for her to start loving exercise, and realise that nurtrition is beneficial on so many levels.

dcgirl, another note is that teens really, really need people to talk to otherwise they seek advice from their friends (which isn't always the best).  That's great that's she's talking to you and her dad, keep the conversation going with her.

Buy her an early Christmas present of a subscription to Shape.  I found that as much as I discussed things with my daughter (and we've got a wonderful relationship and talk frequently) there's only so much information she'll be able to retain.  Having the magazine for herself would be helpful because she'd be able to refer back to articles. 

It's great that she and her dad continue to talk, and even better that she feels comfortable to confide in you.  Continue to be there for her and encourage her to find exercises that won't put a toll on her body.   

I think you're already on the right track, and as Gert109 is saying maybe sending her some books on nutrition and exercise will help her open her eyes to how she's eating and try to change it.

I have two teenaged daugthers, ages 14 and 19. My 19 year old is very thin and my 14 year old is overweight by about 30 pounds, although their diet and exercise patterns are identical. It is clear that they have very different metabolisms. Each one of the girls envies the other for the attributes that they think they do not have. The best advice I can give you is to be supportive and tell her that she really cannot change anything until she is fully mature. If she starts altering her body configuration at her age, she is setting herself up for hazards down the road. Unless she is obese, and it is unlikely, then you can help her with stuff like great fashion trends that are cool yet flatter her in her strengths and hide her perceived weaknesses. Essentially it amounts to body acceptance, but it wouldn't  be well received if you used that term. Just accept her how she is and help show her ways to look great at her current weight. That is the only way you can avoid giving her negative behavior habits and stay friends with her mom and her mom's home environment, as well.

Thanks so much everyone for your thoughts.  I think that I am on the right path with her and with what I said.  I think that we are going to get her a subscription.  And I think that Shape is appropriate for her to read because the girls in there are healthy looking.

Well coming from an 18 year old girl I think you need to be very careful and sensitive to this situation. I don't consider myself fat but I have been told that I'm "thick". I have couple pounds that I could stand to lose. However, I can't stand it when my mother tells me what I should be eating or that I should be excersicing. I know I complain about how I look and I know she is trying to be helpful but it just makes me think that she thinks I'm fat. And now I don't know your exact situation and I'm not sure of what kind of relationship you have with her, but because your not her mother i feel as though you need to be extra careful. At 15 almost 16 it is very easy to take your helpfulness as something else. I think your best bet is to not get her a subscription unless she really truly expressed intrest in it. Just remind her that she is beautiful the way she is and that if she ever wants excerise tips or to figure out what healthy foods you eat that help you to call you up. Not only is it helping her its developing a stronger relationship between the two of you.

How about if she is encouraged to join an athletic team at school? How about if she is encouraged just to eat smaller portions of the same stuff, or make substitutions? Burger no cheese or mayo, diet instead of reg soda, popsicles instead of ice cream, fried chicken with a veg side and so on?

I agree with juniperfire that at his age there is room for an eating disorder to develop, that's the age mine did. I was chubby, o.k. overweight, I admit it, and with obessive exercise and 400 cals a day I was successful in looking thin, sick, and tired, not to mention the busted metabolism, that when I did start "eating" again I couldn't stop and packed on so much weight it wasn't funny. I think it is important to protray a healthy body image and to focus on positive attributes other than weight, and I know that this is a weight loss fourm, but as a society we are too obsessed with weight. As for the "shape" magazines, I like shape, don't get me wrong, I buy one from time to time, but at 15, the only things I looked at and read were these magazines, and eventually had a shrink tell me, not to look at one ever again. Now that I'm older they don't mean the same thing that they did at 15. The ideal of perfection, even in a health magazine, is beyond the ideal. I'd be careful about the magazines, you don't want her to get the wrong idea about what you think she should look like either. Reinforce healthy eating, and a little bit of exercise. I hope that everything works out. 

Whatever you decide to say, if it will help I'll tell you what I think of it?

I'm a 15 year old teenager myself, so I have somewhat of an adolescent perspective on things, as much as I hate to admit it. : P

Good luck no matter what you do!

EDIT: Well, again, coming from a teenage perspective, never tell her she is overweight or anything- I know that would probably be really upsetting to hear. Also tell her not to obsess over it so much; it's a great thing she's getting into being healthier and exercising, but I've had friends who sound similar to her that take things too far. It's awesome that you are somebody she can turn to, though!

My mom is equally unsupportive of me trying to become a healthier person (don't get me wrong- she's really a wonderful person, but she believes I exercise too much and shouldn't be worrying about weight and such as I have my dad's awesome metabolism) so I've had to turn to the Internet for knowledge and advice so I don't end up screwing up my health. However, I know it would have helped as much, if not more, if there was actually a person I could talk to in reality about these sorts of things. It's really nice that you're there for her. : )