I need help.. TRO.

My exboyfriend and I were together for 2 1/2 years. He put his hands on me one time, and was extremely mentally/emotionally abusive.

We had lived together for about 13 months before I was able to finally end it.. I felt so stuck, I had been wanting to leave him for a long long time. All of his friends love me, they have all been on my side since day 1.. They wondered why I didn't break up with him long long before I actually had.

Well it's been over a year since the break up.. and he is still insane.. (he's also been in counselling since the break up, and it doesn't seem to be working what-so-ever)

Well since the break up.. He has sent me extremely rude texts (stopped that about 4 months after the breakup), came after me with his fists in the air in a bar in front of plenty of witnesses (this was in late Febraury/beginning of March)- that same night he threw a shotglass at me and tried to throw a beer bottle but instead he threw it at the glass door in the place and he got banned from the bar, he has came up to me in bars yelling and confronting me and won't let me walk away until my friends see what's going on and come over and save me, and it has been going on way too f***ing long...

Let me also let you know that I didn't go to ANY local bars for 6 months after the break up because I was afraid to see him.. However, I realized how ridiculous that was, and finally began going out with some friends every once in awhile.

This past Saturday was my birthday.. I have been dating the love of my life for 9 months now.. He's the most amazing person in the world.. Well anyways.. My ex happened to be at one of the bars we went out to for my birthday, and he poured his beer on my boyfriend (he got him on the shoulder).. I, in turn, threw my beer in my ex's face.. He was completely out of line.

My boyfriend held back soo soo hard from going after him then and there.. He kept saying "it's your birthday, i am not doing this on your birthday"... He would have beat my ex's butt with no questions asked.. He's just not a confrontational person, he is very reserved like me. They kicked my ex out of the bar after they saw him start the dispute.. and that's as far as it went that night.

Now my question.. Though it was immature of me to retaliate and throw my beer back in his face (which was the best birthday gift EVER!!!!!!), is it possible for me to get a temporary restraining order on him? I just want to scare him and to leave me alone.. I can't take it anymore.. There has to be something that can be done.

Contact the prosecutor's office in your city and ask if you can file for a TRO. They can let you know whether or not it will likely be granted. It sounds like you should pursue a TRO.

I called the court house to see what criteria has to be met in order to be granted a TRO, and they said I have to formally come down the their station and file a complaint..

Before I head in there this week, I just want some input on if I should go through with this, and it you think it's possible with the things that have happened for me to get one.

Thank you very much for your responses. I appreciate it.

There is no reason you should not be able to get a TRO, and you may want to consider getting a personal protection order.

You have, it appears, multiple witnesses who can attest to the fact that this man came after you with his fists.  Even if you dumped a beer on him (which was maybe poor judgement on your part, but hey, whatev), his history alone should be enough to convince a judge to grant you what you want.

Do I think you should get a TRO?  Damn right I do.  And I want you to take self defense classes if you haven't already.  Better safe than sorry, right?

sounds like this guy is a danger to you and to your current boyfriend. i think you should pursue it! you should be able to go out for a drink with your friends without worrying that you are going to be accosted!

I would defnitely get a restraining order BUT just remember that you still need to be careful because that piece of paper does not stop all people.  

It sucks and is very unfair  that maybe you cannot go to all your local places because HE is the problem.  But it would suck more if he seriously hurt one of you. 

I really think that the restraining order would scare him to the point that he wouldn't come near me again..

My boyfriend is 6'1.. My ex is about 5'9.. There is no way that IF a fight were to happen that my ex would win.. It's just the fact that I can not take this immaturately and childness any more.. It has been a YEAR.

Enough is enough...

I agree with everyone above.  Get that TRO!  Also, I might start think about changing up your routine.  If he's crazy as you say he is, I would definately start hanging around other places for a while, especially if he knows what bars you like to visit. 

That's the thing.. I don't go out much.

The bar that I do go to is a little no name bar that a bunch of my close girlfriends and my boyfriend and I go to- It's a "members only" bar and he is not allowed in there.. My boyfriend and I also to go another bar/restaurant close to my apartment for dinner and drinks often, and I have never seen him there..

I never really go places that he would be, it's just the fact that IF by chance I do-- I shouldn't have to be concerned about him doing anything.. I was sick of being a hermit crab because of him... and I won't go back to hiding.

Coming from someone who has been there...GET IT ASAP.  Also, get the personal protection order.  I went through our local domestic violence nonprofit and they walked me through all the steps and even offered to put me up for a few nights to get away.  Luckily I did not need the place to stay, but it was reassuring to know I had a place to go in case of emergency.  I also agree with crazineko about chaning up your routine.  I think you need to find somewhere else to hang out for a while.  Also, if you are worried about him getting mad about the order, change the route you drive to work, and also instruct everyone in your office, he is not to be near you.  I hope it all works out for you.  You've done the hardest part...you left him and I am proud of you for that.

Get the TRO and if that were me your ex would have spent the night in the ER after his history. He needs a real lesson in etiquette.

Not only should you get the TRO (and possibly the personal protection order) but the next time he confronts you like that (and EVERY TIME) you should file a police report.  It needs to be on record.  Sooner or later he'll get tired of abusing you and move on to the next person.  Your taking the time now to document what kind of person he is will help protect the next woman to come along.

Not to mention, the TRO is useless if you don't follow through.  Granted it IS just a piece of paper, but eventually, if he keeps this crap up, he'll end up doing jail time. 

Safiyah

I really appreciate all your responses.

Thank you all so much.

Get a TRO if you think it will help, but just remember.... its is only a piece of paper. Basically it'll just mean they can give him a harsher punishment if he violates it. Just also remember that it becomes a big scene if you see him out in public, especailly if you're at a bar cuz you're gonna have to show the TRO to have him removed.  I had one against my ex for the same reason, but he actually became more violent once i got it.  He'd show up at my house at all hours of the night and then would disappear once i called the cops. I don't regret having got one, i'm just saying remember it has it's limitations  Just be careful.

i agree: DO IT.  i also agree with chaning your routine, and i think u should change ur phone number.  if u can move, i would do it too.  i've been there too and it's best they can`t find u, even if there is a piece of paper in way.  it's better tp be safe than sorry!

What state are you in?

Your best bet for "free" legal advice is to head to the local dv shelter or call your local law school.  Many law schools have something akin to a protective order project, i.e. a free, non-means tested way of getting a volunteer atty and some shoulders to lean on.

Each state has different standards to meet in order to get a protective order.   And their own nomenclature (restraining order, protective order, both if its criminal/civil, etc).

The real question is: are you honestly (maybe not reasonably) in fear of this guy coming after you?  If the answer is yes, then get thee to the local shelter and get some help.  Typically they can hook you up with legal counsel/avenues of perusing a no-contact order.  The thing with these orders is that most states have a hearing within 30 days of the request.  And then you get to be in court with him.  And in some states violation of a protective order is not a basis for arrest.   It all depends how it comes about.  This, above all, is why you should get educated on what you are looking for and what protections come with it.

Good luck.

Watch out for cops trying to talk you out of it--that happened to me and I've read of it happening to others. Don't know why they do that though.

The thing is.. If I had enough rage in me, I would probably be able to take this guy down.. He has pissed me off so much the past year, I think I could take him! Haha..

I don't know if he would come after me or not.. who knows with him anymore..

But.. I don't want to give him that satisfaction by stooping to his level. I really think he just needs taught a lesson..

Whether it's by someone kicking his a$$ or the police scaring him.. I just want it to stop.

scjf, I'm going thru almost the same thing.  Been separated for a year, my ex continues to harass me and I'm trying to get a tro now.  But he's sneakier than your ex, he doesn't do things in front of anyone.  Yesterday I took my car to the shop, tire was making weird noise, the mechanic said all of the lugnuts on one tire were loose enough to remove by hand. 

I take his children back and forth to school in that car.  I'm making a police report today, even if I can't prove that it was him, maybe the victim's advocate I'm working with will see it could possibly have been him. 

Good luck.