Just need a little help

Hey all... I know I have posted a few such posts recently, and I apologize... but this is usually a supportive place and I want to tell someone whats bothering me.  I hope I don't bring anyone down.

My family is really messed up, but i at least have been close to my brother for a long time. he used to keep me sane. Anyway, I found out this morning that my older brother tried to kill himself (for the second time). I cant talk to him about it because I'm not supposed to know about it, but I'm just really ... disappointed. That he would take the easy way out, that he wouldnt keep trying, at least for me. I realize its awful and selfish, but I don't know how to deal with this. We should all get a how-to guide when we are born... any help?

I am sorry you are going through this. Your brother is going through a hard time. You shouldn't take it personal (even though I am sure you do) that he has been suicidal.

The only way I can suggest getting through this is by thanking God that he is still with you and praying that he can get the help he needs.

I have a friend who has lived through 3 of her sister's suicide attempts. I will try to contact her and see if she has any words of advice for you.

'Not supposed to know'.....  Fair enough, but that shouldn't stop you from contacting your brother, asking after his well-being and telling him you love him.  You could claim you'd had a bad dream where he was in danger or a 'feeling' that all was not well ... might allow him to open up.

Depression is a terribly crippling illness.  Sufferers describe it as like being in a deep, dark pit with no prospect of escape.  It's not that he's not trying, probably, but that he's in a state of complete despair and anguish.  He almost certainly feels that you and everyone else would be better off if he didn't exist... many do.   I don't know if he's getting treatment or medication but, if he opens up to you, that's going to be the most practical thing you can steer him towards.  Best of luck

You said that your family is all messed up.  At least you are aware.  Terrible situation to be in and I can't even imagine what it is like for you.  So, even without your experience, all I can say is that first, you must look at yourself as an individual and separate yourself from your messed up family.

If you are close to your brother, then do not stop being close.  If you're not close, well he clearly needs help without you.  It is not about you, it is about him.  Only he can change his mental state and only if that change is truly possible and supported by everyone caring enough to see him through it.

As far as how you should deal with this, there is no how-to-guide.  Every situation is unique.  Very often, reaching out to whatever religious belief that you may subscribe to will help.  Often even better than the so called "pros" (pyschologists, etc). 

Wishing you the best through these extremely tough times

Dont confront him about it... even though you know, he will feel even more betrayed if he finds out people who he told not to tell others have been doing so behind his back.

I dont know how close you are to him, but if it were my sister (to whom i am very close), i would try to be more around in case she wanted to talk. Going out to lunch, going to play games, calling on the phone to talk (even if its just about TV or whatever).

But... if that didnt get her to talk about it... i might bring it up (though, without direct reference to the killing thing), more like "is anything bothering you" type of thing. Talk about where he plans to go in the future, what he wants to do, what he is confused about in life that makes him feel like the only option he has is to kill himself.

The suicide thing isnt the real problem... the real problem is he is confused about something and cant see all the options. Sometimes having someone to talk to in order to sort out where you want your life to go and see just how many things are really possible is a big help to clear up someones mood about their life. Basically, he needs something to look forward to.

For example, if its his job and no money, then talk about going back to school and ask him "if you could do anything, what would it be?". He might think he cant or that he is trapped by money or other things... but loans can fix that and get him on a path to a happy life.

Almost all problems can be fixed in a persons life... it just takes addressing whatever he thinks is causing it.

I'm sorry to hear about your rough times.  I was once on the brink, as your brother probably feels, and the thing that kept me going was thinking about what I would do to those that I would have left behind.  Show your brother that you care, and subtley hint that you need him around.  Every human has a need to feel needed.  Maybe ask for his help on a project even if you don't need it.  It will allow you to spend one on one time with him, and maybe help give him a sense of purpose.  I agree that you shouldn't come right out and say you know, but ask as you would normally do, how he's been.  I really don't have any experience in this exact situation, so I'm sorry I couldn't be of more help. 

I don't think you are really being all that selfish, you feel you need your brother there, so I think it's only natural that you feel disappointed, make sure he knows he has someone that loves and cares about him, and that he has somthing to live for.

Best wishes to both you and your brother.

I don't want to offend any one, but you were given a guide when you were born.  It's called the Bible.  And pray for your brother.  I will say a prayer for him myself, and for you. 

Original Post by hockeygirl44:

 I cant talk to him about it because I'm not supposed to know about it, but I'm just really ... disappointed. That he would take the easy way out, that he wouldnt keep trying, at least for me.

That second line there really bothered me.  I strongly disagree that someone who's thinking about / has attempted suicide is just taking "the easy way out."  I know when I was there it was about feeling like there was no other option.  It felt like things would never get better, nothing would change, and that everyone was better off without me.  It certainly didn't feel like that was the "easy" option.  There wasn't a choice about it because to keep living as things were wasn't an option - it was unbearable and I had put up with it for far long enough already.  Every waking moment was an exercise in emotional torture and every night was filled with the same thing in the form of nightmares.  It was inescapable and had been going on for years.  What reason was there to believe it would change?

What I'm most thankful for, that got me through my worst moments, were friends who wouldn't give up on me no matter how much I pushed them away.  (I was trying to distance myself from everyone before attempting suicide so they wouldn't be as hurt.)  They wouldn't let me get far enough away that I felt I could take the one option left to me, and that sometimes made me angry with them for making me suffer longer.  They'd let me cry for what surely seemed to them like no reason, and not judge me for it.  They didn't press me for answers or reasons, they let me tell them when I felt I could voice it to them.  They had endless faith in me that I never felt I deserved but desperately wanted to believe in.  I clung to their faith in me like it was the lone lit candle in the dark.

I think the best thing to do for someone depressed enough to consider suicide is to let them know you care, help them seek help if they are willing to accept it, not judge them for the thoughts/attempts at suicide, and try to stay optimistic about their future for them (since they are so overrun with negative thoughts). 

So I hope that didn't come off as bashing you for your thoughts on it being the easy way out.  Every time I encountered someone with that point of view it just made things worse for me - because they just didn't understand it had nothing to do with choice.  It made me feel even more weak to be "taking the easy way out" as if I didn't think I was the weakest most worthless person on the face of the earth already.  It just pushed me that much further down the wrong path.

I am so glad I'm not in that dark part of my life anymore.

Original Post by mommakitty:

I don't want to offend any one, but you were given a guide when you were born.  It's called the Bible.  And pray for your brother.  I will say a prayer for him myself, and for you. 

 yay for crazy! *high fives*

Thanks for the kind words... I agree with the "easy way out" thing. I'm not saying suicide is easy, and I'm sorry I wrote that. I just meant... Acutally I'm not sure what I meant. I guess what I think Isn't all that clear, even in my mind.

Mommakitty: Thank you for your prayers. I do appreciate it. But I don't believe in god, so the Bible is not all that helpful for me. Thanks though.