in need of major support at the moment...

hey guys...uhm yeah so ive been on here a while and some of you are probably familiar with me but to summarize the reason im on here would be the fact that i became slightly depressed around thanksgiving time and well thats wen that ED took over.  I am currently a recovering anorexic and doing great...getting closer and closer to being normal!! but i mean im still dealing with getting rid of the ED thoughts and stuff and well th person helping me stay on track is my mother

But late last night my brother and i found a note my mother wrote...it was in her drawer and we had seen her writing something last week and stuff it in there so we know she wrote it last week wen my dad was out of town((in mississippi cuse my grandma was getting surgery))and we were looking for money but found it.  IT WAS A SUICIDE NOTE.  Yes my mother wrote a suicide note and the stuff she said was like she just cant live anymore, this wasnt the life she wanted, she hates my father...and kept going on and on about how hes worthless and doesnt care and theres no love and stuff....and how her parents pay for everything cuse we cant afford it, and how she loves me and my brother but we are selfish and dont care about her and dont love her back and that she has to do this but she wants half the money and stuff to go to me and the other half to my brother including thehouse and my dad gets nothing. 

So i mean i dont understand...i tell my mom EVERYTHING and we are really close and i spendalot of time with her but i mean i do get angry and stufff really easily at her alot cuse of all the gaining issues and stuff but thats not entirely my fault you know.  But its like ifeel like its all my fault cuse shes been having to deal with all of my eating issues and its stressed her out and stuff.  My dad has been working late everyday this week and is going back down to see my grandma on wednesday and i mean they fight all the time but i know my mom and she wont ever get a divorcebecause then it wouldnt be a "Normal" family...ive known that they dont love eachother anymore but i didnt know this was thecase.  Both my parents dont make alot of money...my mom works as a secretary at an elementary school and my dad works with the stocks...and well my grandparents like have paid for our house and my rents are SLOWLY paying them back.

my brother and i called my grandparents at 1220 l((they live next door))ast night while my parents were still at the party they were at and we showed them the note and when my parnts got home my mom came over and she flipped and pretended like she forgot she wrote this and itwas soooo long ago and my mom is the WORST lier ever and so my grandparents talkedto her alone and we havnt talked about it yet but we will later today.

anyways it took away my hunger completely but i forced myself to eat breakfast but i was considering not...and idk....its just hard and im trying to stay strong nd stuff but i just dont know what to do....i cant talk to my friend about it till tomarrow...ive only told one of my friends about my ED and well its cuse hes the only one of my friends who can keep a secret and i just told him like 2 weeks ago.  sorry about the long post but i just need some help...thanks i love you guyss

If you go rooting around in other people's things, 'looking for money' and violating their privacy you should expect to find stuff that you don't want to know!!   Some people who feel no-one's listening to them or that they are taken for granted find it therapeutic to write down their feelings on paper and stuff it in a drawer.  Others (like you) write them down on an internet message board and press 'send'.   Doesn't mean your mother intends to kill herself, she could just have been venting her frustrations. I expect she's mortified that her private thoughts have been broadcast like this. 

BTW.... Like a lot of children you probably are selfish.   Parents often have a lot on their plate working, paying bills, looking after families and, in this case, holding an unhappy marriage together so ask her how she's feeling from time to time...  You can't solve her problems because you're a little kid but if you show you care by not getting 'angry and stuff', tell her you appreciate what she does for you and that you love her that might help. 

Hi I am so sorry. This is a very hard thing as my mom tried to kill herself I would say 6 years ago and I still have a hard time with it and the memories. First this is in no way anyones fault. Your mom has problems like all people do and some may be big but she has to work on ways to cope and get through them. This may have been just something to get her feelings out but I do feel when one has these strong of feelings they need to be under care of treatment with a psychiatrist/therapist. Sometimes a combo of meds and therapy can really help to have a different view at life. I'm sure this caught your mom off card being confronted. I hope you all as a family can address your concerns and come up with a plan or at least get out the feelings and issues on the tables.

Now for taking care of you. Yes when problems like this or in general come to surface people use different ways to cope with it. Some may overeat,under,smoke so on. It does not solve the problem at hand and only numbs it for awhile. It is ok to have the feelings you have and reaching out for support can really help you get through. What fears do you have telling people about your ed? Continue to take care of yourself because regardless of others you have to face your life and what you need to do to be healthy

I'm sorry that you had to find a note like that.  You did the right thing by involving other people.  Now your mom knows that someone is aware of her feelings.  Now all you can do is pray that your mom seeks the help of someone.  I have wrote a sucide note before,  I regret that I have put my family through this.  My family got involved and told me to seek professional help.  Also when you write something like this your not thinking rationally, so don't take anything she may have said personally toward yourself.  She is just hurting inside herself.  Don't let this situation set you back on your problems.  You still need to concentrate on yourself and that is not being selfish.  Do you see a therapist for your ed.  If so talk to them.  Maybe what your mom is saying is true about deep down not feeling suicidal, not to give you a false sense of security,  I didn't mean it when I did this and I am a wife a mother of two also.  Stay alert of her mood that is all YOU can do.  If you see her mood slipping or if she seems to happy take notice and again talk to your dad or grandparents.  If you and your mom can talk about anything then maybe you can talk about this and tell her how much you love her and this scares you so much.  I know this may be uncomfortable to you, however this is what my family did to me.  

  Take care of yourself, a setback on your part will not help anyone, especially yourself.  

p.s my kids have rumbled through my things looking for money if I am not home to give it to them.  Maybe you were suppose to find this note.  All kids are selfish as all people can tend to be selfish, we are human.