I need to be more secure about my relationship :(

My boyfriend and I have been going out for almost a year now, and he is my first serious relationship. His only other girlfriend was his highschool sweetheart, they went out for a long time but it's been almost 4yrs since they've broken up.

My problem is that ever since we've been dating, I noticed that he talks about his first girlfriend ALL the time! When I visited his hometown, he even showed me where she used to work. When I told him I want a Jeep, he told me that his ex had a Jeep too. When I told him I wished that I could dance ballet, he told me that his ex used to do ballet. I also found out that he still keeps pictures of her :( One time during a dinner party, he even referred to her as his girlfriend! ("My girlfriend got me these shoes") I was embarrassed because my friends were confused at what he was talking about. That was the last straw for me, and I confronted him about it. He told me that he thought everyone knew he was referring to his past girlfriend. And I told him that I am his girlfriend now, and when he says that word, he's supposed to be referring to me. He just said that I was stupid and overreacting.

It made me really mad and insecure about our relationship. He told me that she was his first love, and that he is completely over her, but they shared so many memories together that she influenced his life a lot and it's like second nature to talk about her, and that I shouldn't compare myself with her because I can never be more or less important than she was to him. But when he said that to me, I felt even more insecure!

This is something we argue over a lot, so the other night he made me listen to this Beatles song called "In my Life" that goes like this...

"There are places I remember...All these places had their moments...With lovers and friends...But of all these friends and lovers there is no one compares with you...And these memories lose their meaning...When I think of love as something new...Though I know I'll never lose affection...For people and things that went before"

What do you think? I'm really bothered by all this But if he really feels the same as what those lyrics say, then I understand completely. I just don't know if I can believe him

Sweet song choice. Why not let yourself be reassured? It was a faux pas to say you'd never be "more" important than her, but that's probably not how he meant it. Unless they are still hanging out, it doesn't sound too sketchy.

He does need to be aware of the things he says, though - it is totally fair for you to request that he not bring her up in comparison with you (jeep, ballet, etc). He is allowed an occasional slipup, but it is just bad form to regularly compare your current to your ex. He will have to retrain his "second nature" if he wants to have a successful new relationship with you!

It's normal to be insecure considering that he has already been somewhat overboard with mentioning her and comparing you two. He is starting to realize that he is now responsible for reassuring you and undoing the anxiety that he has caused. As long as he gives you a little extra understanding (calling you stupid and overreacting is not fair, considering he is the one with the bad form), it should work out in time. He needs to realize that the reason you are feeling insecure is because you like him so damn much and you really want him to like you back just as much - if you didn't really set much stake in him, you wouldn't care what the said about his ex.

It's true that once somebody is a part of your life, they are always a part of it.  First loves aren't something that just happen and are forgotten.

I don't see the problem with keeping the photos or even love letters of yesteryear around.  I think asking him to simply wipe away that part of his past life is a rather immature request (he is your first, as you say).  I think it's more indicative of you not wanting to admit that he had a girlfriend before you, and so you want to wipe away evidence of her, despite the fact he's with you now.

I think he's correct in stating what usually goes unstated:  In terms of importance, partners may very well be equal (he did say "more or less"), since what the heck does "importance" mean, anyway?  The ex was important to him when she was around; now she isn't (despite the slip-up on his part; he shouldn't be calling her his girlfriend like that, whether it's just semantics or not).  You're the one that's important to him now.  I don't see anything in what you said that indicates that he is thinking something like: "Oh, you're fun to hang around with, but she was special."

Have fun with this.  I suppose you could just dump the guy and find a man that has never had a girlfriend before. :D

trustwomen..Thanks so much for your response! He said that I could never be more or less important than his ex because he doesn't want me to feel like I have to compete with her. I told him that I wish he would just say that I could mean more to him than she did, and then he said that I do. But I feel like he doesn't mean it, because I was the one who put those words in his mouth, he just simply agreed with it.

lysistrata..I feel like the first and the last girlfriends are the ones that matter the most to a guy. Do you think that's true? My boyfriend denies it, but I know in 4yrs he won't be referring to me as his "girlfriend" like he's doing right now with his ex.

Original Post by mimi_js:

trustwomen..Thanks so much for your response! He said that I could never be more or less important than his ex because he doesn't want me to feel like I have to compete with her. I told him that I wish he would just say that I could mean more to him than she did, and then he said that I do. But I feel like he doesn't mean it, because I was the one who put those words in his mouth, he just simply agreed with it.

lysistrata..I feel like the first and the last girlfriends are the ones that matter the most to a guy. Do you think that's true? My boyfriend denies it, but I know in 4yrs he won't be referring to me as his "girlfriend" like he's doing right now with his ex.

OK, you're gonna have to not split hairs about whether he "said" something or just "agreed" with it - the overall result is pretty much the same. If he said you do, then you do.

And the first gf does not always loom the largest - you can't predict the future or what he will say about you, but honestly that is the last thing you should be wasting your energy on. Spend your emotional energy in the here and now, on your relationship, and don't worry about questions you a) can never really know the answer to and b) don't matter at all to the reality of your current situation, which is that he is with you and (presumably) you are happy together. There's an old adage about gift horses and mouths, you know. :)

Original Post by mimi_js:

lysistrata..I feel like the first and the last girlfriends are the ones that matter the most to a guy. Do you think that's true? My boyfriend denies it, but I know in 4yrs he won't be referring to me as his "girlfriend" like he's doing right now with his ex.

I know I'm budging in, but I completely disagree. Well, it just depends. It's different for everyone. So no, not necessarily. My first "real" boyfriend was a complete jerkoff but I was young and naive and dated him for 2 years anyway. The guy after him, my second "real" boyfriend, is the one I loved more deeply and still remember fondly. Good song choice, by the way.

Cautionary tale.....   I went out with a man for several years who I was subsequently married to for several more years.  In all that time, whenever he spoke about his high-school girlfriend he would seem to me a little 'different'.... more than nostalgic.   He could talk about other women and it didn't bother me but references to the old girlfriend made me feel a little uncomfortable.  However, I put it down to over-sensitivity and let it pass.

Why am I no longer married?  Because he ran off with... you guessed it.... his high-school girlfriend. 

There's a reason you feel that this is wrong, and it's because it's wrong. At best he's being ungallant and at worst he still holds a candle for the ex.  Trust your instincts....  and keep your powder dry!!!

hes still in love with her. just dump the jerk.

No you shouldn't expect him to wipe away the past. However, after a year together, he shouldn't still be bringing her up all the time - at the least it's rude.

You are right to feel threatened - especially if his reaction is to call you stupid.

I hate to be the odd voice out - but there are problems here. By now, he should be wanting to make you happy, make you feel secure and be nostalgic about you.

Think it through, girl. You deserve to be 'the one' in someone's life, plain and simple.

As a side note: Seek to feel secure about you rather than someone else, then no matter what happens, you'll be fine.

and...what WG said 

I change my standing on this very important issue to coincide with WG's suggestion.

honestly, i don't think you have anything to worry about.

when you say "all the time" do you really mean "all the time" or are those instances the only examples? i was with my ex boyfriend for 4 1/2 years, and we broke up 4 years ago. i have to admit that on occasion, he will come up, because he was part of my life for SUCH a long time. now i try not to mention him often, but when someone was that big a part of your life for that long, it comes up. i am COMPLETELY over that guy, and i was the one who ended the relationship. but i have no ill will towards him either, and have a lot of good memories about our time together. but he's my ex for a reason, and my boyfriend now has nothing to worry about, at all.  

really, i think you need to worry if it seems like he is looking for reasons to mention her. you know, like "ohh my ex wore jeans too!" or mentioning her really frequently. or still talking to her frequently. i'll mention my ex on occasion and i haven't seen him in two years. i most certainly am not still in love with him, and i don't harbor any feelings for him.

i mean, i really think if my current boyfriend was getting the same car my ex had, i'd probably point it out, even if just to be like "oh, my ex had one of those, he loved/hated it" or something along those lines.

he shouldn't be making you feel stupid for being worried though, and he should respect the fact that you just don't want to hear about his ex. if he can't manage to do that he might not be the right guy for you.  

i say this because my ex is still in love with me even though we have been divorced for... 10 years? it really really really messes with his new wifes head. its not pretty. who knows...if we are alone at age 75 we will probably be dating each other on and off. its like that.

Original Post by watergirl:

i say this because I like to think my ex is still in love with me even though we have been divorced for... 10 years? it really really really messes with his new wifes head. its not pretty. who knows...if we are alone at age 75 we will probably be dating each other on and off. its like that.

 Such an evil edit... ;D

Original Post by jules817:

honestly, i don't think you have anything to worry about.

when you say "all the time" do you really mean "all the time" or are those instances the only examples? i was with my ex boyfriend for 4 1/2 years, and we broke up 4 years ago. i have to admit that on occasion, he will come up, because he was part of my life for SUCH a long time. now i try not to mention him often, but when someone was that big a part of your life for that long, it comes up. i am COMPLETELY over that guy, and i was the one who ended the relationship. but i have no ill will towards him either, and have a lot of good memories about our time together. but he's my ex for a reason, and my boyfriend now has nothing to worry about, at all.  

really, i think you need to worry if it seems like he is looking for reasons to mention her. you know, like "ohh my ex wore jeans too!" or mentioning her really frequently. or still talking to her frequently. i'll mention my ex on occasion and i haven't seen him in two years. i most certainly and not still in love with him, and i don't harbor any feelings for him.

i mean, i really think if my current boyfriend was getting the same car my ex had, i'd probably point it out, even if just to be like "oh, my ex had one of those, he loved/hated it" or something along those lines.

he shouldn't be making you feel stupid for being worried though, and he should respect the fact that you just don't want to hear about his ex. if he can't manage to do that he might not be the right guy for you.  

 In short, dump the jerk.

Original Post by dnrothx:

Original Post by jules817:

honestly, i don't think you have anything to worry about.

when you say "all the time" do you really mean "all the time" or are those instances the only examples? i was with my ex boyfriend for 4 1/2 years, and we broke up 4 years ago. i have to admit that on occasion, he will come up, because he was part of my life for SUCH a long time. now i try not to mention him often, but when someone was that big a part of your life for that long, it comes up. i am COMPLETELY over that guy, and i was the one who ended the relationship. but i have no ill will towards him either, and have a lot of good memories about our time together. but he's my ex for a reason, and my boyfriend now has nothing to worry about, at all.  

really, i think you need to worry if it seems like he is looking for reasons to mention her. you know, like "ohh my ex wore jeans too!" or mentioning her really frequently. or still talking to her frequently. i'll mention my ex on occasion and i haven't seen him in two years. i most certainly and not still in love with him, and i don't harbor any feelings for him.

i mean, i really think if my current boyfriend was getting the same car my ex had, i'd probably point it out, even if just to be like "oh, my ex had one of those, he loved/hated it" or something along those lines.

he shouldn't be making you feel stupid for being worried though, and he should respect the fact that you just don't want to hear about his ex. if he can't manage to do that he might not be the right guy for you.  

 In short, dump the jerk.

  don't twist my words! :P

*untwists them*

one little thing: If my man was looking to get, lets use the same example with the car.. and my ex had had one.. I would say "i used to know someone that had a car like that and they hated/loved it"

I never pointedly say a previous person was an ex.

I have to agree with WG, KG, DN.

At the very least, it's inconsiderate. But I think he is being rude. I was with one of my exes for FIVE YEARS and didn't talk about him in future relationships.

And if anyone I dated talked about their ex, I'd let them go free so they could talk about her with themselves. I sure as hell do not give a shat.

Original Post by jules817:

Original Post by dnrothx:

Original Post by jules817:

honestly, i don't think you have anything to worry about.

when you say "all the time" do you really mean "all the time" or are those instances the only examples? i was with my ex boyfriend for 4 1/2 years, and we broke up 4 years ago. i have to admit that on occasion, he will come up, because he was part of my life for SUCH a long time. now i try not to mention him often, but when someone was that big a part of your life for that long, it comes up. i am COMPLETELY over that guy, and i was the one who ended the relationship. but i have no ill will towards him either, and have a lot of good memories about our time together. but he's my ex for a reason, and my boyfriend now has nothing to worry about, at all.  

really, i think you need to worry if it seems like he is looking for reasons to mention her. you know, like "ohh my ex wore jeans too!" or mentioning her really frequently. or still talking to her frequently. i'll mention my ex on occasion and i haven't seen him in two years. i most certainly and not still in love with him, and i don't harbor any feelings for him.

i mean, i really think if my current boyfriend was getting the same car my ex had, i'd probably point it out, even if just to be like "oh, my ex had one of those, he loved/hated it" or something along those lines.

he shouldn't be making you feel stupid for being worried though, and he should respect the fact that you just don't want to hear about his ex. if he can't manage to do that he might not be the right guy for you.  

 In short, dump the jerk.

  don't twist my words! :P

*untwists them*

 ;D

Original Post by dnrothx:

Original Post by watergirl:

i say this because I like to think my ex is still in love with me even though we have been divorced for... 10 years? it really really really messes with his new wifes head. its not pretty. who knows...if we are alone at age 75 we will probably be dating each other on and off. its like that.

 Such an evil edit... ;D

evil is as evil does :)

Dude. The original post creeps me out because I went through the EXACT same thing, and almost the same time frames...

My boyfriend is my first boyfriend. He seriously dated one other girl for a year and a half, but that was 4 or 5 years ago. Early in our relationship, he would talk about her and bring her up a lot. I was afraid I would sound like a "jealous" or "****" girlfriend if I whined about it, so I never said anything.

Then one day he brought her up. I started yelling at him and saying that he talked about her all the time. I said how it made me feel insecure that he may not be over her. He said he was completely over her, and that he didn't realize it bothered me. He said he wouldn't bring her up again, and, months later, he hasn't.

I discussed this issue with my therapist. I asked why, if his ex cheated on him and then broke up with him, would he still have only good things to say? She said that it is a good sign when a person says good things about their ex, even if it was a bad break up. It shows that they are able to forgive and be mature about things.

Another thing my therapist pointed out was, all of the stories he brought up were to make him look like a good boyfriend. For example, he told me she started crying about something so he took her for ice cream. He also told me that when her boss was doing things against the law, he helped her set things straight.

She also said that it could be a society thing. Society tells us that girl virgins are a good thing, but a virgin guy without experience is not looked upon as a good thing. Guys who have had more than one girlfriend may mention one or two things about each ex, just to point out and indicate that they have had "experience" with multiple girls, so you know they will be good in bed.

My therapist also asked me to describe our relationship at that time. I said that I was not really opening up to him and I was not affectionate. My therapist said that he may have talked about his ex to get me to show jealousy. He is the kind of guy who needs a lot of affection, so this makes sense.

I'm sorry my post was so long, but I just wanted to let you know that I went through the same thing. I also wanted to show you that, although it isn't right to talk about exes a lot, there may be reasons for it. You need to sit your boyfriend down and calmly tell him that it hurts your feelings. I know that what my boyfriend did was rude, but guys do stupid things, and he was very apologetic and immediately fixed things when I asked him to. If your boyfriend refuses to compromise, he's not worth your time.