I just need to get this off of my chest

Since I've gained a lot of weight, I've discovered that my father is very prejudiced against heavier people.  Today was a terrible day.  I have always kind of sensed that since gaining weight, my father has been very unkind to me and will go as far as to make disparaging remarks  to my face every time we meet.  Just yesterday he told me that he thinks that I'm sick to look at and he doesn't want me around him.  It's normal for me to catch him staring at me eating during a meal together, with a faint look of disgust on his face (when I'm already watching what I'm eating.  Just the mere FACT that I eat bothers him).  I've started to ask him what exactly is so interesting whenever I catch him doing this.  He's very defensive.  Yet the hateful remarks continue.  I've stopped going to family functions if I don't have to go.

My whole family knows that my father has some screws loose in his head.  Why he would act this way towards his own daughter is beyond me.

And although I know that I have to start getting healthy and losing weight while I'm still young and that I have to do this for MYSELF, these kinds of comments and actions really make me upset.

And today, for like 5 minutes, I lost it and cried.

That's why I'm glad I found this community to get my started off right.  I need positive ideas and voices so that I can keep my resolve.

OK, *whew* thanks for letting me get this off of my chest!

violet--if people only  realized the impact they have with their nasty words or looks!!  for me, it was "the look" from my mom.  I was a chubby kid that lost the baby fat...and she was so proud of me!!!  Now, mind you, I was a great student, a great kid, never did anything..but that was what she was most proud of!!!!  As a 39 year old woman, I have finally realized I can't change her, but I can change how I handle her. 

I don't know your family situation, but do whatever you can to protect yourself from all of that.  YOU  ARE WORTH IT!!! 

It may not seem like a lot but we are all here for you!!!  Keep us posted b/c we really do care.  We are here to help you and lift you up, not tear you down.

As hard as it is, try to remember this is his issue, and not yours.  I know, alot easier said than done.

take care and stay in touch!

I am sorry that your father feels that way.  Does he know that you are working hard to get healthy and fit?  Have you tried to share your feelings with him?

Keep up the good work on getting healthy.  You are doing the right thing for yourself.  You have come to the right place to get the motivation that you need to get through the hard times.

That is really horrible of him.  I know it is very hard, but remember that it's a problem he has.  Unfortunately it does hurt when family is that way...of all people...family. 

You already know where you are in your life and you are starting to do something productive about it.  Whether he wants to be part of your positive changes or not is his decision but focus on yourself and be selfish about it.  It's all about you in this endeavor.  It's so easy to let yourself get beat by nasty things like that but be strong, c'mon to this site for moral support.

I think there are a lot of us who can relate to your post so a lot of us can also help you pick you up! 

Thank you guys!!  Your words are really whisking away the last bits of negativity I've been feeling today.

itsmytime:  I love this part of your post--
"As a 39 year old woman, I have finally realized I can't change her, but I can change how I handle her. "

This is what I'm grappling with too and I guess that I have to start changing how I deal with him as well. 

Thanks so much everyone-- I really really appreciate it.

Hey There,
It sounds like this brings you a lot of pain.  I can't imagine how this makes you feel.  Bravo to you to develop support and realize that your value as a person has no relationship to your weight. 

I imagine that this has brought many challenges to you over the years.  Thanks for sharing, it takes a lot of courage.

Best wishes to you as you grapple with the emotional fall-out.  As you can see, people here will do what they can to provide support.  Have you considered talking to a professional?  Perhaps having an outlet to delve into the depths of this could be helpful.

renekane-

Thanks for your words of support.  You guys are great.

In terms of my own personal worth, I'm pretty self-confident and I think what gets me is that all of my personal achievements have been completely forgotten and instead it's only my appearance that is being valued by this one family member.

I always strive to be a good person, as I believe that beauty is found within.

So this is the one thing that is really holding me back and I don't mean to downplay it's importance, but it's what makes me lose motivation sometimes-- why can't I be judged by the person that I AM?

But you guys are all right, I should be doing this to be SELFISH to be the best that I can be because it's good for me in the long run in terms of health and relationships.

Thanks again everyone!  Please keep in touch!

"As a 39 year old woman, I have finally realized I can't change her, but I can change how I handle her. "


Agreed, very well said.

You should be valued for the person you are, and not by whether or not you look the way someone else feels you should.  Your dad is acting like a jerk.  He obviously doesn't understand that but you need to know in your heart that he's out of line.

Everyone has people in their life/family that makes them feel bad and de-motivates them sometimes.  You just need to learn to kind of filter our the stuff that hurts.

Ah Violet, I am soo sorry to hear your story and pain!  I know it is easy to say this and hard to believe but the problem is with your dad not with you.  He has some issues around this subject or he wouldn't be taking them out on you.  Some where  in his life he is unhappy and using this as a scape goating tool to feel better about himself. 

 I am really sorry but don't take any of it in.  Just remind yourself there is something wrong with dad.  I can feel sorry for him and forgive him.  He must really be hurting inside to find the need to hurt me like he is.  Parents can be really tough and often just don't realize what they are doing.  If  you need to stay away from him, do! 

Violet, that's really hard to bear.  But you're a strong person and you're on the right track now.  I doubt that even losing weight will make your father respect you - some people are just not able to be kind.  I think they have some need to put others down to make themselves feel good.  Or they have an overwhelming need for outside approval and must have everything and everyone in their lives be perfect to make themselves look good.

I put up with it from my mother all my life.  A few years back I was diagnosed with a very small breast cancer.  I was devastated, but when I told my mother, you know what she said to me?  "Look on the bright side, dear.  Maybe you'll finally lose weight."  It was so outrageous, and made me so mad, I swear I got completely well in record time, just to spite her. 

We can't change them.  We can be in charge of our own lives.

Best of luck to you!

I still have a question for you though: What are you doing to lose weight? The posts above are correct, it's about his attitude not yours but the weight is all about you. Self respect, self worth, and health of body.

You ask why you can't be judged on the person you are inside, and that's a valid statement. But how about this. It sounds as though you have friends and family that love and care for you right? Now how about the pact you've made with them to give it in return. Will your health allow you to continue this or will your life and activity be cut short by your weight and habits? Seems to me that although you see your weight as a personal issue( and 90% of it is), don't you have some responsibility to those around you ie. kids, siblings, friends, husband?

Yeah, your dad is out of line and that's his problem. You need to concentrate on yours.

fatty: Thanks for the response!

I have done the whole yoyo-ing thing... where I am good for a while, and then something happens (I had a bad and hectic two years) and I stop.  Stop and go and stop again.  I had a personal trainer once and I lost a good 15 pounds, but within 2 weeks I had gained 11 of it back.  My personal trainer and nutritionist thought I should get my thyroid checked out.  I did, and the results said I was healthy and didn't have any problems at all.

I don't have kids or a husband, so this IS a personal thing.  My mother is concerned and has been (in her own way) trying to help support me.  All of my friends have been equally kind with trying to give me advice and help urge me on... in a positive way.  They understand what I've gone through.  And I'm sure if you asked them, they would say that I am very good at being a "responsible" daughter and friend.

Perhaps I'm not reading your post correctly.

I guess what I was trying to get at is that there will always be someone, somewhere who will not be there for you. It must hurt even more coming from your dad.  On this board you said you "needed to get it off your chest" which I can understand, and you mention you mom and friends but that's putting alot of energy into looking for encouragement from others. Take your frustrations out on the fat and look for encouragement from inside.

Cheerleaders never win the game for their team and detractors are a dime a dozen. Beat the fat up, not yourself.

That's how eating disorders become prevalent... Be careful and stay strong. I know how much it hurts when parents make those kind of remarks but as hard as it is you've just got to try and disregard them. You are a worthwhile person and nothing anybody says can change that.

My Dad does some of the same things but to a lesser degree. My Mom used to be like your Dad, but I layed it on the line for her. I basicly told her that the comments she was making not only hurt my feelings, but made me want to eat more, to stifle the pain that she was causing me. It really hurts when a parent jabs us through the heart everytime we see them. I told her that I love her and want to be around her, but if we continued the way were going I was going to eat myself into an early grave. "I know I am over weight. The only thing that'll change the way I eat is if I change my frame of mind, but I can't do that when your sabatoging me!" Ok. I wanted to say it that way, but I didn't have the guts. I did ask her to stop so that I could enjoy being around her. I think it shocked her to know that her comments actually made me want to eat more! We have a better relationship now, but I do feel for you! Jenn

Where is he??!? I'll box his ears, I will!!

Violet - Thank you for sharing your pain and story with us.  I get the same comments/looks/remarks from my sister.  What amazes me is that she use to be over weight also.  My sister is always saying extremely mean things about people and their weight.

For me, I take the feelings and use that towards reaching my goal.  Over Christmas she made some really nasty, snide comments that make me think twice about going really overboard.  It does not always work for me but then I just get back on track.  With my sister, it doesn't matter if she hurts your feelings since that is what she likes to do so I don't say anything to her.  I limit my time around her and surround my self with friends, family and loved ones who cheer me on.

We are here for you!

you know all i can say is some ppl should NOT be parents, i have 2 that are just a mess to put it in the nicest way. u know what a dr. told me one time to look at it like this.

if u see a child thats retarded (didnt know how else to list it) u  dont treat them differantly because there ill an u know theres nothing they can do about it..

(as she told me about my mom)

u have to look at her like shes sick, she has an illness, u cant change it. u just have to look at them as there ill, which they are. I WOULD NEVER treat my kids like that. i love them fat, skinny, gay, straight, there my kids

I agree Erica!  Some parents should love their children through all stages of life.  Life is hard enough, they should be showering their children with love in all their ordeals...

Hubouy....can I ever identify with what you're going through with your Dad.

I got the same thing for years....nothing about me was good enough and they didn't hesitate to snipe at me every chance they got.

They no longer do this? Why?

I was just as rude back to them every time they would snipe. Let me give you an example:

One time my parents came for dinner. I know my Dad loves ice cream, and Ma won't let him have any at home, so I bought a tub of it for dessert.

Dad looked at me and said "Why did you buy such a huge tub? (Looking straight at my stomach) Doesn't look like YOU need it." I said "Dad, let's get something straight here-this is MY HOUSE, MY BODY, MY FRIDGE, and MY ICE-CREAM. If you got a problem with that, you don't need to be here."

He left in a huff without dessert, Mom left too crying, I cried after.

BUT....that was the catalyst they needed to stop picking on me. Every time they sniped at me about anything after that, I always got up and left (sometimes in the middle of a meal) and said on my way out "I do not need to sit here and expose myself to the hurtful things some people say".

I would also only accept about every 4th invitation over to their place, and stopped inviting them here.

This went on for a couple of years. They got the hint loud and clear. They are a pleasure to be around now and I love them dearly :)

It just takes standing up for yourself. Good luck!

Ahhh violet, I can so understand how you feel...to be put down by one's own parent just cuts to the core...these are people who are suppose to love and appreciate us no matter what...

Even though it's been 43 years, I can still hear my father saying to me as a 12 y/o how I had "piano" legs...Sturdy and straight but with absolutely no shape!  And about the same time my mother put me in a long legged girdle because a girl's fanny wasn't suppose to jiggle...Geezzz I was 5'2" and weighed all of 100 lbs...how much could I jiggle?

To this day I still have leg image issues...

All I can tell you is that at 55, I really don't give a rats ass about my father's opinions anymore...he's 86 and still is a very harsh judge...

For your own sake, both physically and emotionally, I hope you do whatever it takes to get yourself on a healthy nuitritional path and if your father has issues, well I say f him!