In need of parenting advice regarding teenager

Ok, my 16 year old daughter has recently become best buddies with this girl and they have since become joined at the hip. Which I think is great. the girls mother has also become joined at my daughters hip. She calls my daughter several times a day to chat and I think my daughter has started confiding in her. The mother basically treats mine as if she were her own. That I'm not complaining about. What is bothering me is that this mother buys my daughter everything she buys her own daughter, takes them both to eat quite often, they go tan together, my daughter sleeps over there a lot, shopping, etc. and they are getting ready to take a road trip from Arkansas to Virginia for spring break. And lately my daughter has been extremely disrespectful towards me. She is beginning to make me feel really really awful about the type of parent I am and that I am not doing "enough" for her, because anything I buy for her isnt good enough, or any money I give her is also never enough.. It seems to be that she wants more and more and more... (by the way, did I mention that I am a single parent?)

Don't get me wrong, my daughter lives in a nice home, gets nice things and has tons of love from me.... But at the same time, I do have limits and I definetly have some rules which this other mother obviously does not have with her daughter. (her daughter has 4 f's currently at school and she's basically allowed to do what she wants when she wants). These limits and rules I have are by no means unreasonable.... for example, I require her to maintain a minimum of a "c" average at school or better, and for her to keep her room picked up and to help me out around the house if I need it.. (which rarely ever happens) and I do not let her do what she wants when she wants. I'm not really strict, but at the same time I am..... This other mother told me last night that my daughter did not want to come home from her house yesterday because she has more fun over there....

Not only are my feelings hurt, but I think I am feeling jealous. At one time I wanted to be my daughters best friend and that did not work.. there was no respect and huge behavior problems. so my mommy pants came on and I had to give the "tough love" and she has become a better child towards me and towards others because of it. (until now)

I guess I am wanting others opinions on whether or not I am over reacting against this other mother. I admit I am a little jealous. But what can I do to fix the rift its creating with myself and my daughter? I haven't been able to eat for almost 2 days from being so hurt and angry at the same time. We have been arguing over this and she giving me the silent treatment for 2 days now and is getting ready to leave tomorrow to virginia for 9 days.....

This is just my advice.......Take it or leave it.........Been there already.....

Does this other girl have any other "good" friends? If so, are they all treated like this - free stuff, freedom, etc... If not, then this mother is buying your daughter's friendship.

 Bring those mommy pants out. You need to confront your daughter about her attitude. Tough Love is going to be a requirement. You need to restrict her time being spent over at her friend's house.  You also need to talk to this other mother. 

When this happened with my daughter (she was younger)I told the mother that I really appreciated her for opening her house to my daughter but I didn't appreciate her going against my rules and morals.  I told her that I realized that we were raising our daughters differently and I was okay with that but I wanted to raise my daughter my way. She was a little defensive but we worked it out. The girls are still friends but things have changed drastically.

Wow, that is exactly what I needed to hear.. and to answer your question, no, the girl does not have any other friends.... they have only lived here in this state for a little over a year and the girl has had problems with other girls and conflicts since being here.  We are not from here either, been here 3 yrs, and my daughter also went through a tough period of being the new kid or the outsider.  I think thats why the 2 girls have bonded the way they have.  I think their friendship is just fine, but I  need to say something to the mother about her role in it...

Thanks so much!  All advice is greatly appreciated....

Tawnya

OK I'm not a parent but here's what I think:

If I was going on vacation w/ a freind's family and I wasn't listening to my mom she wouldn't let me go. If I wasn't respectful and at least following the rules, that's it, no fun. So maybe explain to her that you don't have to let her go if she's not following the house rules.

Second, I would say to talk to the other mom. She has to respect your rules over your daughter. Sounds like that mom is more into letting her daughter have anything she wants and that's not going to help her in life. I would try to keep your daughter from developing the same mentality as her friend and mom.

My mom was really strict as far as rules and attitude went and we were absolutely not friends when I was at home. But since I've been at college we've gotten closer so don't think that just b/c you aren't friends w/ your daughter now that you won't ever be.

Thanks Ktcort!!!  Through our arguing last night I told her she could not go...  So she's expecting to not be able to go.  Now I just have to stick to it.... My mother and I were not close growing up either, but once I grew up (probably around age 22) and realized she did everything right in her raising of me and the type of person i ultimately became, I totally respected her and she became my best friend.

You are her mother, not her friend.
This statement was hard for me to grasp, because I wanted to be her friend.  Now that DD is in her twenties and has her own kids we can be friends.
Tough love works.  It may be hard, but stick with it.  Just remember to be fair, but firm.

I agree with the other posts.  Your daughter is one of the most precious gifts ever given to you and it is your job to take care of her.  If that means she doesn't like you much because you are doing what is right, then so be it!

My daughter is 24 next week and although we have had our bad times I have always made sure first she knows she is loved, worthy of anything she wants and has rules to follow in life.  Those rules are MY RULES! not her friends house rules.  Most of her friends came to me for guidance but there were times when I wondered whose kid she was because she got close to other moms.  As long as she kept it right at home and in her behaviour it was fine but when she stepped out of bounds home she came until she got right again. 

Stick to your guns mom, she needs you strong not jealous and giving in.  If the other girls mom had a clue she would not be putting you in this position in the first place.

Good Luck!

I agree with the other folks here - if the other mom is trying to be one of the girls, instead of one of the moms, you will have to set the limits.  9 days with that kind of supervision (or lack of it) is a long time without some way to monitor your daughter (since you can't really count on the other parents for that). I'd be very hesitant to let her go when I was this uncomfotable.   May be time to rein her in on the time she spends over there - maybe more time at you house, or equal time between the homes.  Good luck, teens are challenging!

I just had a thought: do you think that this mom might try to be such a cool mom that she gives them alcohol on this trip or any other time? I know some parents are fine with that and if you are not then I would be careful because it sounds like it might be a possibility.

kcort,  thats a very good question about the alcohol....   Now I am wondering if that has ever happened when she stayed the night over there....

But all things good, I did tell my daughter  that she could not go on the trip.. And she cried and said she hated me, but I did stick to my guns and eventually she came out and sat down and actually talked and listened to me and why I made that decision and she was actually calm and collected. 

Thanks for everyone's input... I don't feel so bad now about why I was feeling the way I was feeling. (for a moment I thought it was just me over reacting)......

It's perfectly normal to fight with your teenage daughter. =-P You aren't her friend and won't be her friend until she an adult. She needs all the lame rules and regulations. She actually needs you to 'complain ' and ' fight ' with about things. It's all part of the horrible teens. If she hates you than you're probably doing a good job! If you're one hundred percent happy with her that probably means you're delusional or in the dark! It doesn't come as a shock that she's hurt your feelings. (You've probably hurt hers too ) Unintentionally or otherwise but this too shall pass.

It's not uncommon for teenage girls to spend time with their girlpals/friends moms. Her friends mother may simply have the money to spend and the time to spare. My  mother never wanted my best friend to feel left out. She wanted our close friends to feel involved and wanted. Sometimes ' gifts ' and invitations to ' dinners ' are given just because. It may sound strange but some people are close knit with friends and family. It doesn't make her a bad  mom to give to your daughter as she does her own. Or to involve her in their outings. It also doesn't give her a hidden alterior motive. It's rediculous to create a rift between your daughter and her friend/ friends mom in order to smooth the one between yourself and your daughter.

I don't think you're over reacting because this is your daughter. It's not unreasonable to call off her trip if she's treating you with disrespect. There is also no reason for you to allow her to spend so much time with them. If you'd rather her be spending more time with you, that's okay. You have the complete authority to limit her time with her friend/ friends mom. But, her friends mom doesn't have to turn into the villian here. There's no reason her friend has to be the ' bad influance ' either. Even too much of a good thing can be bad. I think you should turn this into something about ' you and your daughter ' rather than ' her and her friends mom.'

You can't be the friend that her friend's mom can be to her. You'll never be as kewl or hip or fun as her. If you were that would mean you weren't doing your job right! Lol Sometimes it's just fun to be away from your parents. In reality her friends mom may actually be quite clever. Her mother may be ' befriending ' your daughter to keep her own daughter close to home. ( Theory based on the motives of my own mother. )