Do I need to refeed still or am I fine now? Confusion/Maybe Self Denial?!

Earlier this year I was IP for anorexia for about 2-2 1/2 months. I left hospital before my GW was reached and was on about 3800/4000cals a day.

That aside, I came home and started eating about 1000 cals a day (not on purpose) I thought I was eating more but no where near enough (stupid ED). But now I am stuck in this rut where I am telling myself I don't need to eat more than this because I went through refeeding and it's done. I am at 1300-1400 calories a day now, and that was a slight increase from 1200.It's like I tell myself I am repaired, although I came home and lost alotta weight after.

I am 5'5 93lbs 17yo, female.

Do I need to refeed? IS this my ED telling me this? I'm so lost. I find it SO challenging to eat anymore than this, am I in self denial. I need a good kick up the bum.

It's as though I read this forum thinking, these people are SO inspirational, but I dont need to do this because I ate more calories and put on a few pounds warlier in the year. This is not right?!

I'm sorry to rant on. I am inspired by you all. Thanks for any responses.

Hey Rcj,

Yes you definitely do need to "refeed". Your BMI is 15.5! Your ED is telling you that you're repaired but this is by no means the truth. The sensible part of your mind (or call it spirit if you will, as I liken my ED to my mind/ego and my "spirit" to the true sense within) KNOWS you need more, otherwise you wouldn't be posting here. It's not easy, believe me I know... But you do need to up the calories. You are currently on a weight loss regime when you shouldn't even be on maintenance - you need to be GAINING. From a psychological perspective you may want to reconsider returning to IP, because judging by the sound of your headspace this could be kick up the bum you need hon. Unless we desperately want this for ourselves, the ED mind will continue to dominate. It's normal to be in "two minds" about the whole process, but in your case it is evident that the ED is currently in control. Please think carefully about the possibility of readmitting yourself into a clinic. I congratulate you for upping your calories from 1000 to 1400, but you must realise that this still is not enough. Your current BMI is at a DANGEROUS level. Do you currently have supports in place? Are you seeing a psychologist? Do you have a team? xo

thanks so much for your reply. I REALLY appreciate it!!

I have supports around me for when I need it, but to be honest, the doctors here have NO IDEA, and IP was 6 hours away. That being said, my nan is a retired nurse, and my mum has worked for doctors her entire life who I am freely able to seek  advice from at ANY time, so I have alot of links and support around me.

What I am really trying to do is challenge myself as I feel if I can do this, I can do anything! The hardest part is actually increasing though, as I still think 'I've already done this' which is my ED voice. I want to beat that. I dont want to be living off 1400 calories for the rest of my life. I WANT a fast metabolism. I just need to do it. everyday I keep thinking, 'i'll increase soon', but I just need to.

Last night i asked my boyfriend if there was anything he'd change in the world about me, what would it be? He said gain weight. It hurts to hear those things when I cannot see it.

That is why I am here, because I am SO inspired by everyone here who is able to do this and is going through the same thing as me.

One quick question, I have increased about 100 over the past few days to about 1350ish and am suffering really acidic feelings in my stomach and strong migraines. Is this linked? or is it just Flu type symptoms (it is winter here in Aus, and flu season) (not swine flu :P)

Thanks.

Heya,

I'm an Aussie too :) Wollongong way...

The symptoms could potentially be linked to the increase but it is doubtful - 100 extra isn't an awful lot. It also depends on what the increase consists of. Have you been adding a different type of food to your diet which could account for the acidic sensations? It could very well just be flu type symptoms, or any number of things... But you do need to realise that as we up our food intake the physical (as well as the psychological) aspect can at times be uncomfortable. Our bodily systems adapt to whatever regime we tend to inflict upon them, and they can rebel when our "homeostasis" is challenged. They don't like change. And the ED abhors it. This is something that must be pushed through, especially because, as you say, you don't want to be living off 1400 for the rest of your life. You really, truly CAN get through this. I promise you. I'm glad you have supports, and a relationship - but please realise that these changes must be made for you, nobody else. You honestly deserve a life free from this. 

It's all about adaptation. As you increase and get used to the larger amounts you will become comfortable with them in time. But to get there you need to leave your current "comfort zone" (which you evidently know has become rather uncomfortable). Keep pushing through. It will be worth it. xox

thanks so much!

rthe tummy seems to have settled now.

does anyone else have any views on this? i dont mean to be pushy...

hey - I am in a similar situation to you. I was IP early this year for 2 months and left having gained 17lbs but far from having reached a healthy weight. 

YES I feel physically about a million times better. yes I function now and can do most things, within reason, rather than struggling to just live normally. yes I am behaviourally a lot better. but I am definitely not weight restored.

it's easy to feel 'all better' when you're not at your lowest, and when you have gone through a period of refeeding so your metabolism is boosted and you are used to at least eating a somewhat normal amount and not totally starving yourself. but honestly I don't know what to tell you other than that this is just the eating disorder talking. 

and yep, if as you've said you want to increase your metabolism you do need to eat more! to be honest I am wondering if you couldn't eat more without even gaining, bar a slight fluid shift. I maintain in the high 90s at 5'8 on 1700-800cals, and obviously need more on top of that to gain. even if you're not losing weight restricting to that level is not allowing your body to function as well as it could. yes it's tough, but I can give you another voice saying 'yup, you need to increase' :)

wow, very similar stories. i self discharged from IP at a lower weight due to medical abuse recieved from the hospital I was at. They were crazy.

When I got home I was about 99lbs, I dropped to where I am now. Not on purpose by any means at all, it just happened because I stopped eating so much etc.

I was also wondering if my metabolism has slowed down again because of this? I am starting to get sick all the time now (headaches, tummy aches).I'm so over it all.

It's very much a mind of matter thing that I need to work on. I think I am fine, yet I know I am not at the same time...if that makes any sense (sorry if i sound insane).

*sigh*

"When I got home I was about 99lbs, I dropped to where I am now. Not on purpose by any means at all, it just happened because I stopped eating so much etc."

what do you mean not on purpose. .... by dropping your food intake it it was on purpose. you need to take responsibility here. you dropped your cal intake. your weight dropped - you are responsible for this and if you genuinely wish to recover YOU need to take control of this.

you know you are supposed to be eating more than 1300-1400 cals.

I knew it was a major drop in food, but at first I wasn't counting and it just managed to get lower and lower. I realise this is my own fault-My ED's fault. I want to kill this more than anything.

I've just got to do it. How did you work up the courage to do it? It's like 'right, i know i need to do this to live, i want my life, i want my friends etc' but then physically doing it is such a challenge.

It's like I need the approval of others for it to be 'okay' to take in more. it is so RIDICULOUS- it is this stupid ED as much as I know I need to.

The same thing happened to me last year. I was on a 4600-5000 calorie a day diet when I came home from IP. I was never really taught how to eat that much on my own and I didn't feel comfortable with it.

I lost all the weight and then some and have now spent a YEAR gaining back the weight I lost.

Something I have learned is that it doesn't matter whether or not you are afraid. There will always be anxiety and fear until you bite the bullet and eat. I was petrified every time I sat down at the table in the beginning. I would shake while I was drinking my milkshakes every morning and afternoon. But I did it. And I'm still doing it now. If I can will myself to get better after being told that my chances of survival were slim to none and that I was probably going to die before my 20th birthday  last year, you can do this too. There is nothing holding you back except for the fear of the ED voice. And you know what? That voice is wrong and it is trying to kill you. Just don't let it rule you anymore. Ultimately, you have the power and the strength to decide what you do for yourself - you can have the control and you do not need to listen to the eating disordered thoughts.

I often felt like I needed approval for increasing calories too. Especially when I pushing past the 3,000 mark. Its okay to ask for encouragement and support! You totally need it right now, and you have the right to get what you need. So here - I'm giving you a  "Hell yes you can!" Increasing your calories and getting your weight up to a healthy place is what you need and deserve to do for yourself. Your life is worth fighting for, so don't ever give up.

Wow, is it really possible to MAINTAIN in the high 90s at 5'8 while eating that much?

Or do you have some what of a fast metabolism? I believe I eat any more than 1200 and my weight will start climbing back up... then again, while I was re-feeding I only need like 2100 to gain like ten or more pounds....

I'm just a bit over 5'8", currently 105 lbs. When I was in my first round of gaining, I had to eat 3600-4000 calories a day to gain a pound a week.

ATM I've slowed it down a bit - gaining about 1/2 lb a week on 3,000.

Original Post by mawata:

Wow, is it really possible to MAINTAIN in the high 90s at 5'8 while eating that much?

Or do you have some what of a fast metabolism? I believe I eat any more than 1200 and my weight will start climbing back up... then again, while I was re-feeding I only need like 2100 to gain like ten or more pounds....

in a word, yes. I don't have a fast metabolism and am not very active but as I said, need 1700-800 cals to maintain that height/weight.

granted, this is AFTER gaining nearly 20lbs in a period of refeeding on 3000cals, which obviously speeded my metabolism up a lot. in the first week of refeeding I gained on 900, but my metabolism was very quick to recover. 

eta: also, I have b/p type anorexia not restrictive type, which studies say means I am less likely to experience extreme hypermetabolism. as rebel said above me, some people end up needing a lot more to maintain/gain even while still significantly underweight.

BTW, innocent eyes, At your height and weight - you really shouldn't be maintaining. I know - its hard to keep pushing.I myself have gained 30lbs already over the course of a year, and initially I wanted to stop after 20. I hope you are just referencing that you can maintain on that amount of calories and that you do actually intend on gaining a bit more.

rebel - thanks for the message :) yeah, maintaining here is not exactly a long term plan! when I got out of IP I was struggling to even maintain so I worked on that for a couple of months and kept my weight stable, hence knowing how many calories I need to do that. in the past couple of weeks I've been working out a new plan with my dietitian and am hopefully starting to gain.

wow! thankyou all SO much. this is so difficult-and hearing these things (for some reason) just happens to make it alot easier.

like rebel said- I wasnt told how much to eat or given ANY guidance by the hospital whatsoever. NOTHING. so I was by myself-and my mum had no idea whhat to give me either.

I havent lost all the weight I gained IP, i went in at 86. I dont want to go back there. Life was hell. Feeding tubes, monitors, all of it, I hated it.

NOW- I just have to increase. I'm going to shoot for 1400-1500 today. I know it isnt enough, but if I slowly increase, I will be okay with it.

Oh, so if I started eating 1700-1800 cals

I would go from 5'8 and 107 back to 120?

I sincerely doubt that. You MIGHT gain a teeny bit initially  but after that it would level off within a week or two. Maybe you might gain a pound or two, but even then that's being hopeful.

I went from eating ~100 calories a day to eating 1,000. I didn't gain weight at all until I got up 2200-2400 calories a day. Maybe a pound or two on my way up the calorie ranks but nothing significant or that would have actually stayed put if I hadn't continued increasing my calories.

Seeing as though I went from eating 4000 kcal, dropping to 1000, then back to 1300, since the end of april, at this weight, do you think my metabolism will have dropped again and it will need as much as I was taking in or will it take alot less?

I am confused as to whether or not my organs and all are repaired aalready?