The Need for a Significant Other Bringing Me Down

Hey guys~ So I just recently broke off my 5 year relationship with my fiance because I just wasn't in love anymore and it didn't feel right. And then the first guy I become interested in after the breakup tells me that he can no longer talk to me because he is going back to his ex that once broke up with him for his friend.

So especially this past week I am just in a total funk, I feel like I have no self-esteem at all, no energy or drive to work out, and I'm just so unhappy that I have cried every night this week and completely ignored my studies. It's like my happiness depends on if I have a significant other to give me attention or not and I don't want to be this way. I want to be able to be happy whether I'm single or not.

Has anyone else ever felt this way? What steps should I take in finding my happiness again?

How recent is recent? 5 years is a long relationship...perhaps you shouldn't be jumping back into the pool so soon.

If you aren't perfectly happy on your own, how can you contribute to a healthy relationship?

I think that you should stay single for awhile. Focus on yourself, learn to be happy when there isn't a significant other in your life to boost your self esteem with compliments and sex, and enjoy being single.

It takes awhile to enjoy it, and not feel lonely. I would invest in your studies, work out more, go out with friends, and just in general try to enjoy being on your own.

That happened to me I broke up with my boyfriend of about 5 years. I was so shocked at how I didn't feel like a whole person without a boyfriend. I made myself refuse to get into another serious relationship until I liked who I was by myself. It was a difficult time for me, but so very valuable. I'm actually sort of grateful for it, because now I have the security to know that no matter what happens I will be ok, just me.

My personal advice is to wait this out. Spend some time with yourself being quiet, walking outside or reading, playing music, or whatever you like until your emotions calm down. Go talk to a therapist or a friend if you need to purge your thoughts. This is going to make you a stronger person in the long run. Good luck :)

Oh, I know how you feel - I broke off a 4 year relationship about a year ago.  We met when we were young, and after a few years I realized that we just didn't have anything in common anymore except an apartment and a routine and that I just didn't love him as anything other than a friend anymore.  Try not to second guess yourself about the decision - sometimes love just fades and people change.

Cordoroy is so right, this is a really good opportunity for you to find out who you are as an individual again.  I can't tell you it's not going to SUCK in the short term but everything gets better with time.  Like cordoroy said, I look back on that time now and realize that I needed to go through that to get to where I am now.

I cried every night for about two weeks (not really because I missed my boyfriend but because I had suddenly gone from having a plan for the next 40 years of my life to being completely on my own again).  It's going to be uncomfortable and lonely for a little while, but you need to spend that time with yourself.  Maybe reflect a little on why you and the original boyfriend didn't work out together - it can actually really help you figure out what kind of a person you are, deep down, and what you ultimately need to make you happy.  (In my case, my b/f was very very career-oriented and ambitious and I'm the working-for-the-weekend type - I always felt like I was low on the list of priorities.)  It sounds pretty corny, but I definitely "found" myself during that time.  The key is to be really honest with yourself about why you think the things in your life that didn't work out, didn't.  Don't blame yourself and don't necessarily try to change yourself.  Figure out what consistently makes you happy.  Figure out who you are.

The guy that went back to his ex is just an ass, so don't take what he did personally - he obviously hasn't got much self esteem to go back to that girl.  You're absolutely gorgeous and I mean that.  Don't let all this get you down.  Be your own best friend right now.  It sounds trite but there are lots of fish in the sea - good fish even!  You'll end up in a great relationship, whether it's next month or six months from now, just take care of yourself right now, cry it out when you need to, and when you're done crying, maybe go outside and go for a walk. :)

I just happened to read this post and im happy i did because the responses really give me hope!

Im in a relationship at the moment thats been pretty rough for the last 6 months, my partner has ended the relationship three times each of which i should have not forgiven him and tried to get him back, not just because i dont think he cared less. I love him very much but he doesnt love me anymore and ive been too scared too leave him and find someone who apreciates me.

Each time in the past when he has left me i had felt lower than any other time in my life, empty,alone and with no goal in life but i think from your responses, if things get bad again i have some hope that it isnt the end of everything!.

You guys have helped me out so much really, like break through therapy free of charge lol  I think mostly the reason I have been crying is because I feel guilty for having to break off the engagement and break my ex’s heart. He is going through a horrible drama with his family at home, he has no car of his own, and he always leaned on me for most things. So when I told him that I loved him but I just wasn’t love with him anymore it was horrible because hurting him makes me feel so guilty L

But I definitely do need to find myself and figure out what makes me happy and what I want out of life because I have never done that before.

Hello Sugarbabie,

All I can do is echo what has already been said. Having gone through a somewhat similar experience I know you must be feeling a little lost right now. I hope you can be comforted in knowing that it really will get better for you. But you will have to make a bit of an effort... or you will find that "wallowing" will become your new habit. 

All this was a long time ago now, but I separated from my husband of nearly 20 years. It was an abusive, toxic relationship and I had not loved him for a long time (it took me a long time to gather my courage to leave). We had married when I was 17 and I had never had an adult single life before that. Even though it was my decision to leave, I questioned my decision many times at first and shed many tears. Cutting a very long complicated story short... I found it is very hard to separate your emotional ties and habits from another person. I was afraid of being single, was not even sure how to be single. I went through many ups and downs during the initial months of separation and subsequent divorce and I would say it took me about a year to begin to feel comfortable in my own company. By the time our divorce was final 18 months later, I really did feel that I was free and my own person again.

I found new friends (division of property often means dividing joint friends too and many were "lost" to me in the divorce)

Money was tight while I saved to get my own place, so I got a second, part time job and that was the best decision ever. I am still friends several years (and a very happy second marriage) later, with the friends that I met then.

Living with someone else (at least for me in that first marriage) meant that a lot of my ideas and choices were ignored or squashed. I think it is common, when in a relationship, to compromise so often you lose a little of yourself. Suddenly, as a single person I could decide when I ate, WHAT I ate. I could go anywhere and see anyone I wanted to.. it was overwhelming.

I rediscovered a love for the movies and joined a club where I could see as many as I liked to, for a flat fee. It was awesome. I read voraciously. Went to concerts, ate out, alone and with new friends. I rediscovered myself. I realised that I would be fine being just me and that it would not matter if I did not meet anyone else. Of course, I did. About two years after that. But I think that the confidence I gained when I was alone was instrumental in that.

Use this time to re-evaluate and rediscover yourself and what you like to do. Be a "joiner". Join groups or clubs that interest you so you will meet like-minded new people. Accept any and all invitations from your friends.. even when you don't feel like going out. Make your health a new focus, try a new exercise class. Experiment and search for new recipes that cater to your taste only, not the likes and dislikes of someone else.

I wish you luck in your journey of discovery.

Do you have any hobbies or any interest in hobbies? Now's a great time to join a group of people with similar interests.  Often being unattached feels so lonely because you were used to the other person absorbing a lot of your free time and you find yourself at loose ends.

I truly believe that if you can't be happy single that a relationship won't fix that.  But it also takes time to trust your instincts and to believe in yourself again.  Until you get there just go through the motions and you'll wake up one day when you realize that it isn't just routine anymore it's living and enjoying life.

At first it seems really scary but it's also very exciting--think of this as an opportunity for you to create an entirely new brand of you! Get really into something, creative ventures are particularly fun. The busier you are, the less time you'll be worrying about some guy, then before you know it you'll be so wrapped up in your own exciting life you will hardly have time for the potential suitors lined up for a chance with such a brilliant, creative, multi-faceted being! It sounds crazy but it really works. Don't be afraid to live in the moment :)

Yea I have to say that one aspect of my new situation that terrifies me is that I have no idea how to be a single adult. I have always had a boyfriend since I was 15 so now I don't know what to do with my free time and instead of doing creative things I just get down on myself and wonder "What's wrong with me? Why aren't I good enough?" and that's not how I want to live.

I talked to my mom yesterday about how I was feeling and she is giving me an audio-book that is all about finding yourself, being truly confident, and standing strong. So hopefully once i start to listen to those it will help me with my self-esteem issues.

I definitely understand where you're coming from on this. My boyfriend and I broke up in December (my choice) after 8 years. We started dating when we were 16. It was the scariest thing I've ever done in my entire life. I have no idea how to be a single adult either. But you get used to it. (well, sort of)

I will let you know that even after 4 or 5 months there are up days and there are down days. I agree with finding a hobby to keep you occupied.

If you ever need someone to talk to, feel free to PM me.

I really understand where you are coming from...my bf and I dated for 4 years and just recently ended things.  Today marks 1 month...I'm 25 going on 26 and we've been together since college, we had talked about marriage, pretty much knew he was the one, and then BAM here I am single not knowing what to do with myself...

For the first couple of weeks I was like you, cried EVERYDAY no matter what time of day, stopped working out, just ate comfort foods all day long, was feeling really really down.  Then, something snapped, and I told myself come on get it together you've got to find yourself again.  Staying busy has helped me a lot, I've joined a couple soccer leagues with friends in the area, something I used to love but had dropped off for a while.  Luckily, I was always close with my girlfriends so they've been very supportive...I've reconnected with a bunch of my guy friends that I had enevitably lost touch with after being in a serious relationship and am just trying to have a good time right now and am not focused on finding someone, I def know it's too early for that...

As silly as it sounds, these sunny days always make me feel better - don't get me wrong, things are still really hard and I know that's normal - just take one day at a time - you will get through it! 

I feel this way every day sweetie...to be totally honest, working out and running is about the only thing that helps.  Take your frustrations out on the weights or the road.  I do my best thinking on the road.  I sometimes wish I could run farther...like Forest Gump...so I could be happy...longer.  It'll get better and the working out will help you have more self confidence.  Live for the moment and what happened in the past is history...you can't change it so there's no sense in dwelling on it.  Good luck!

It might not help too much in the short term, but everybody goes through this... you're no exception, I'm not either.

Time does help, even when moments feel desperate.

I was married for 7 years (separated last summer). And then I jumped into a relationship for about five months that ended abruptly.

When I left my husband I felt like the world had been ripped out from under me. I didn't know what to do with myself. But I dusted myself off, got my own apartment, got more involved with school, and made it a point to hang out with my friends even when I didn't feel like it, and I got better.

When my boyfriend dumped me, I felt like the floor had dropped from under me. It hurt incredibly, but I knew that I had been through worse, and I knew I would be okay, and I was. And I did the same things... I got more involved with school, I hung out with my friends as much as possible. The worst thing one can do is isolate.

But I also made time to just "be." Be alone, with myself, thinking, and crying. Not holding back my emotions, but embracing my grief, acknowledging it aloud and alone. And knowing that the more I cried and the sooner I let it all out, the sooner I would be over it and be myself, and it was true. Oh, and my shrink helped too.

Now I have a lot of dates, a lot of friends, a great workout partner, my social and dating calendars are so full I've had to cut back. I have no exclusive commitments and I'm not planning on making any. I'm enjoying having my own space and not having to run my schedule by anyone else; I do what I want, when I want, and with whom I want. And it was hard at first, but now I'm embracing the uncertainty of life with open arms, and planning a future that makes me the priority instead of a relationship the priority. And someday I might find someone who is special enough to me to develop a high level relationship, but I'm not in a rush to find that person, I'm rather enjoying being a free agent ;)

You will be okay, if you're open to spending time with yourself, with your friends, perhaps with some relatively casual relationships (trust me it's more fun without getting all complicated and exclusive and entangled; the lifetime partner is a beautiful thing, but only when it's right for both people), and with your own personal ambitions :) Hang in there, you'll be just fine.

It takes time, time, time.  As the days go by, you will feel better and better.

I was dumped after a 4-year relationship I was in from ages 16-20, and I thought my world was over.  I was in college at the time, and blew an entire semester sleeping and eating, staying in my lonely one-bedroom apartment with no friends or family around.  It was horrible, and even though it was 7 years ago I still remember how difficult it was.  What saved me was my mom's suggestion to go to the counceling center at the university, where I went to group counseling for a few weeks.  It was somewhat helpful, but if anything, it got me out of the house and put me in some sort of social environment.  I started looking for an activity or group and ended up joining a co-ed service fraternity.  It took time, but eventually I was out of my slump, made new friends (some of which I still have today) and started to find myself again!

I'm 27 now and still haven't been in a long-term relationship.  I just ended things with a guy I was with for only 6 months, and even that has been hard. 

Breakups are hard, man!  But I really think time heals and you just have to be patient.  And you learn alot about yourself through the process.

Break-ups are very hard and being single can be a real drag, but so can being in a relationship with the wrong person.   I'm 35 and single, but there are much worse things to be- like a former co-worker who took 3 weeks to decide to leave her husband after he pulled a loaded gun on her.   I have great friends and more hobbies than I can really do all at once.  I echo the others who said that this is a time to find out who you are and what you like to do.   Sounds trite, but it is so true.  Is there any hobby/activity you've thought might be interesting but never tried?   This is a great time to give it in a shot and at the same time meet some new and different people.