I just need someone to talk to - that i dont know - im sad and relationship trouble

Hey guys...

 I need to talk to someone - I could go to my friends and family - but they are either A) tired of hearing it or B) they are biast

I move in with my bf in about  a year - we are waiting for our house to be built - we bought it last fall.

My problem is - is im soo insecure with myself and what i have to offer that it is effecting him and our relationship.  Im not sure where to start.  I love himt o death and i know he would do anything for me and this is why i need some sort of help, ideas, exercises (mind) to help me get on track so i dont loose the best thing that has ever happened to me

My appearence - I have always been insecure with weight (im 136 5,8'') my chest size (as i know he is a breast man) and my teeth....I mean all is not horrible but im very hard on myself as I want to always be the most beautiful person he has ever seen. Shallow i guess...:(

I constantly start arguments and get us into fights with my insecure ways....somtimes i question his love for me, or whether or not he is happy and really it has nothing to do with him.  I just and afraid he will leave me, find better and move on.

I dont know if anything has to do with loosing my mother at a young age or what and i have no intention of making that an excuse but i was such a strong person until i got into my first relationship since my mom died and out came all my weaknesses.  Which was the reason my last bf left me.  I am happy for that though....although that was his reason he is nothing like my current bf whom i hope to spend my life with.  He is an amazing, caring loving and patient person.  But i also do know that patients wear thin and we are only human.

Has anyone been in a posititon like this - where you almost find it hard to believe someone wants you that you are actaully sabbatogging the very thing you want....what types of exercises, or things can i do to work on this and bring more to the relationship - he wants me to be his wife one day - but i think i start so many fights, and cause so much drama between us im not convinced im going to be good enough for that role.  Its a catch 22

I am very insecure too. I try to hide it but I am always making negative comments about myself. I drive my husband crazy with it!

Your boyfriend is with you because he wants to be. Just remember that. There is nothing wrong with you.

I used to be really negative a few years ago, I remember talking to this person online and he nearly deleted me from msn because he couldn't stand my negativity (I was a teenager, guess that kind of explains it). So yes you are right he probably doesn't want to hear it all the time. Somehow you're going to have to realize that he got with you because he likes what he sees and he likes you.

i know - somehow - thats just my problem - i feel like i dont know where to start or what to do....

maybe try to read up on some information regarding  low self esteem. I am the queen of low self esteem all though I deny it half the time but when I cut to the chase that's the root of my problems. Losing your mom may have given you some abandonment issues as well and you may be taking it out on the person that loves you most.

Talking to a professional wouldn't hurt either, it's very refreshing to hear that #1 you get an unbiased professional opinion and #2 that there is a bright light at the end of our esteem troubles.

Good luck!

thanks guys...

Maybe i will start with a book....or a journal

I know that you are negative about yourself, but have you thought about not mentioning these negative things to your bf simply because you know that he doesn't want to hear it.  It would probably improve your relationship and in the long run the negativity would eventually fade as your relationship grows.  You can still think it, just don't say it anymore. 

Go to therapy.

I mean that in a good way. Its good that you see its a problem.
So now that you admit that. You have the power to change it.

I am guess the earlier boyfriends ways,words or treatment affected your self esteem. That thrown at you on the cusp of your mother's passing. You fear security because you know how much it meant to you as having that taken from you with your mother.
So loving another is going to feel like a threat because you dont want to hurt like that again.Natural reaction: Fight or flight. Now that he loves you and you feel safer its coming to the surface. Going to therapy would help you learn to deal with these fears in a functional way instead of the fighting.

everytime a negative thought comes into your head, counter it with a positive.  My thighs are huge but I love my smile.  You can literally drown in the negativity.  Instead of focusing on all the negative little things that can pile up, live in the positive.  He makes you happy so be happy.  Your boyfriend has chosen a life with you and wants you to be happy.  Constantly questioning his love is only going to make him feel like he isn't doing a good enough job and that he can't make you happy.  to me it sounds like the one thing you need to do the most is love yourself.  it is inevitable and easy to love someone else.  It often happens before we even know what's going on.  Unfortunately it takes us almost a lifetime to accept our own flaws and truly love ourselves.  You deserve love and happiness and the only person standing in your way is you.  Take time to do the activities that bring you joy and realize that you deserve it.  Read the book Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert it will teach you how to love yourself.

 I hope this helps.

On first note (since this IS a weight site) I think you are so lucky to be 136 lbs! I am the same height as you and I am currently at 170.  I can understand how you feel thinking you are too big or your chest or your teeth...I'm right there with you!! I had this HUGE gap in my teeth and I got it fixed and I felt so good with myself, but you know what? Nobody even noticed I fixed my teeth because nobody noticed them in the first place! I feel like a fat cow, but everyone says I have the "Barbie body" The fact is is that just like you and just like me, nobody is ever truly happy with themselves. You are your own worst critic.  And you are SO LUCKY to have found someone who loves you for you!! And even though you may not be "perfect" (whatever that is) he loves all those imperfections!! And I'm sure you love all of his too! If he hasn't left you through all this drama so far, it means that he really does love you, and you are given another chance.  Next time you feel like you are going to start a fight, just take yourself back for a second and ask if its worth it, or if its worth fighting over. And Im sure you'll see its not worth it. Try watching that tv show "how to look good naked" it might help. And if you want to chat just let me know! Good luck!

dear pennie,

it is not you who is posting this post. it is your insecurity.  who are you not to be attractive, wonderful and amazing?  your boyfriend is not a fool.  if you are so worthless, why would he ever wanna ask you out on the first date, kiss you for the first time, hold your hand, think about the future, build a house together and most importantly spend time with you?  all you have to do is to convince yourself that you are too cute to be true.  : )  afterall, maybe he is thinking "wow, why would a wonderful woman like pennie wanna be with me."  have faith in love.

HUGGG <3
-Emily 

I understand where you are coming from.  The good news is that you recognize that there is something you need to change in order to strengthen your relationship.  I would advise seeing a therapist.  I know it's hard to make that appointment, but sometimes it can be just what you need.  You don't have to start going on a weekly basis for the rest of your life or anything, maybe just go once or twice and see if you can get some stuff figured out.  I tried it once, and it helped me out a lot! 

who are you not to be attractive, wonderful and amazing?  your boyfriend is not a fool.  if you are so worthless, why would he ever wanna ask you out on the first date, kiss you for the first time, hold your hand, think about the future, build a house together and most importantly spend time with you?

TRUE That!

My SO is insecure but she just bottles everything up, never talks about it, never tries to do things for me, has done some very destructive things to the proverbial "US" and yes it takes a terrible toll on me.

 

In retrospect, I did ask her to marry me yes, but she can't coast through everything and expect that day to happen. Relationships happen with effort on both sides. She has the most amazing personality, she is beautiful and sexy, we get along perfectly. But her insecurities slowly drained the life out of what we used to have and is still doing it.

 

I can only express you find a center in yourself and believe the person that you are IS good enough and allow that confidence to be the woman than you can be for him. And the fighting and drama has to stop... You might want to talk to a counselor about this. 

wow! All of your post have truely touched me.  Alot of what i read made me feel truely great about myself :) I want to thank you for that. 

 

One thing i did not mention that i think has been contributing to my insecurity is that we have gone from seeing eachother a few times a week to once a week - and this is because of work shedules - we have both taken on a second job to save money for our new house (furnishing, paying debts, taxes etc) we did not streach ourselves beyond our means financially we just want to make our future comfortable.  I miss him terribly and i think i feel so alone and upset when i think why doesnt he look sad without me, why does it seem so easy for him - he just looks at it as "whatever" we do what we have to do and we see eachother when we can - dont worry when we live toegther it will all be great - im doing this for us. I totally get that - but it looks so damn easy for him it makes me think - maybe he is ok with out me, maybe he will forget what its like to "be" with me and in the end he may just choose to be single again...."why doesnt he miss me!!" I drive myself in sane.  He is a very independant guy, not one to be a gushy and mushy, but does express his love for me - i guess i just expect that he would tell me more, or talk to me more or whatnot now that we dont see much of eachother - but not the case.  It the same amount of calls (two a day) and same amount of verbal affection.  Maybe i ask alot or maybe i need that but all i know is its causeign fights :S

A lot of guys in our society are trained from childhood to not show negative emotions like missing someone because it's "un-manly", so it may be much harder for him to show this than for you.  You say he does express his love for you - can you remind yourself of that more often, so you stop the fight before it starts?

I also think that it may help to see a counsellor or therapist, so that you can better understand what's going on in both of your heads. I hope it works out for you.

These are some ideas that have helped me....

• Realize the power of negative words (only, just, but, etc) and remove them from your everyday vocabulary
• Change your speech – instead of saying ‘I am going to change’ or ‘I am going to get healthy’ say ‘I am changing’ or ‘I am getting healthy’
• Make a list of everything you DON’T want in life and then on the other side of the page, write the opposite down – gives you an idea of what you Do want
• Write down your fears and insecurities, and then look at them – are they realistic?
• Accept yourself for who you are and have confidence in your ability
• Accept that you make mistakes and don’t judge yourself for them
• Do not measure your self worth based on someone else or something else

A- you are so sweet!! Great advice honey.

Joyrae - some nice practical ideas.

Pennie - well, if it makes you feel better I'm in a very similar situation.  I don't know what to do about it either, it seems to spiral, and I'm worried it's damaging our relationship ... so I totally bottle it and try not to say anything needy for a while, and then it builds up and then, usually when I'm PMSing and ultra-emotional, it all comes out and upsets both of us.

these are wonderful suggestions - i do find it is much harder to put them into play.

I find i get extra needy at times when we dont seem so be ultra affectionate or together much....eeks i need to do something - im going to be living with him next year

The one thing I've noticed is I'm a little better when I hang out with other friends more.  Yup, with limited time it seems like I want to spend all my available free time with the BF, but when I see others even once in a while it's like I have a bit more to add to the conversation, something to talk about rather than sitting and waiting for him to tell me I look pretty.  Ugh, can't even believe I just wrote that ... if most of the people who know me in real life had any idea that I was that needy they'd be shocked, apparently to the general public I come off as pretty self-confident and together.