Need someone who understands...

I'm a recovering anorexic and binge eater and for the first time in weeks, I relapsed.

I've accepted that anorexia and binge eating are forms of self-hate. They are things I've developed over time that at one time were meant for a good thing (weight loss & over all nutrition) into a life threatening obsession that stole my life.

I've been eating better and exercising less---binge eating seemed to be a thing of the past. But then the holiday'**** and suddenly my family's watching what I eat (they know about my ED) and as if to "show 'em I'm over it," I ate beyond my comfort zone... and then last night I binged, badly. I woke up today feeling gross and bloated, I can't look in the mirror without wanting to throw up---both from the emotional and physical sickness I'm feeling at the moment.

So what do I do? I feel like I might slip up again and I need help... I'm ashamed to ask my family, I feel like I've put them through so much garbage. I just want to be normal and I'm fighting like hell to be healthy and free but sometimes I feel like I'll never be free, no matter how hard I fight.

I eat what I eat for me.

I eat for nobody else but myself.

I eat what I am comfortable with. I block out words of dis-incouragement.

Holidays are hard! Shoot visiting with family that knows your eating habits is hard. It sucks when people watch you, and it SUCKS to fill your plate to satisfy other peoples expectations. I don't really have an answer for you, but I know what you are dealing with right now.

I have gone through a mini state of anorexica (400-700 cals a day) and started eating a comfortable 1200 calories and doing things right. Over about 16 months I lost 175 pounds and people will ALWAYS watch what I eat, especially if they knew the 'before' me.

In all honesty, the portions on my plate "a normal portion" rather, won't amount to the sizes on theirs. There really is no winning. Either you eat too little or too much in their eyes. Food shouldn't be a game, and you should be relaxed.

So try and pull one person aside that you're most comfortable with, and try to explain yourself. Tell them you feel you should be the MOST comfortable eating infront of your own family, but that right now you don't. Get it off your chest, even if writing a letter will send the message a little deeper. But trust me girl, there are SO many of us out there going through comments. Your family isn't meaning to hurt you, its your ED blowing up what they said into something huge. Something so simple as "wow thats all youre going to eat?" Triggers a tape in your head that goes "they think i'm still anorexic. but if i eat what their eating i'll get fat. they eat too much. but this isn't enough food. what else can i eat to prove to them that i can eat like a 'normal' person? well i saw pie, but pie makes you fat. but i'll prove to them that i am normal by eating the pie. but then i'll feel fat. and what if eating the pie makes them think that i am fat or that i'm going to get fat? why does pie make my stomach feel so heavy? i shouldnt have eaten that second serving of mashed potatoes, but now they think i'm normal. was eating that normal?" and your head SPINS out.

Ah I know what you're going through.

Can I suggest a book that is kind of helping me realize a lot of things about myself? It's called Life Inside the Thin Cage. I'm still working through it myself.

Okay I've ranted enough :)

Realise, first, that relapse is part of recovery. Do not beat yourself up, nor condemn yourself, particularly as you realise there is danger with what you are doing. Are you working with a team? A doctor? If you are, go to your doctor and talk to them about this. If not, you need to go and see one to talk things through.

Do not be ashamed of asking for help. Your health is priority, and if that means reaching out, then do. Your family no doubt cares about you even if it feels like this huge pressure upon you and them to fight this. You're not a burden.

You need to also remember the positive. So, you binged. Yes, that's not a great thing. But at the same time, how long had you gone without a binge before it? And, to remember, a single day's slip up doesn't make all your progress obsolete. Look to what you did, shrug it off, and begin anew. This road to recovery is full of twists and turns. You prove yourself a stronger person if you know not only how to walk the road, but tackle the hurdles. One of my favourite quotes is, "It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end."

Star is so right on how horrible a headspin this can all be, and from one recoverer to another, on my part, I can only further sympathies. Even today I stood zoned out at work making my lunch, because inside my head I was debating whether or not to have the extra trimmings left of turkey, that would otherwise be binned and wasted, in my sandwich. What ought to be a simple (and easy) decision sparked the most pointless inner war between rational and ED, and it can truly feel like a prison. So, I know it's really hard, and can feel like a losing battle.

But remember that recovery is for you before anyone else - you eat what you eat, you live how you choose, and you want to get better. The mirror doesn't define you. What those around may or may not think doesn't define you. And this is one prison you can break out of. :] Even if that means, for now, asking for help.

YES! It was only one day among many!

Tomorrow is another day and you can do what you know you need to do. I didn't pig out but I did not stay within my limits either. I will wake up tomorrow and begin again. You cannot change the past but the future is all yours baby!

Julie