Really need support

I am trying to gain some weight, because I am now at an unhealthy bmi 17.7. (I am 20 years old). I am "naturally" thin I guess....I was always thin as a child and very athletic in high school, but I have always had a very negative body image.  I am 5'9 and in high school, I was a muscular 125 pounds.  When I came to college at 17 years old I stopped the athletics and my weight went down to 114 without meaning to.  I had never had any fat on me in my life so I didn't realize I *could* gain, so then I ballooned to 150 in the first year, hehe.  I did this by eating VERY unhealthy and eating pints of ice cream every night, etc.  I didn't even realize I had gained this weight until I weighed myself on my parent's scale, and it bothered me a bit but I didn't think I looked bad.  However, my dad started making little comments, and started telling me that nobody liked fat girls, and that I wasn't fat but I really shouldn't gain any more weight.....things like that.  He didn't mean any harm and he is a great dad, but then it started me thinking....I started worrying about it a lot.  I read a lot online about losing weight and looked at countless pictures, etc.  I cut my caloric intake severely, living off of mostly salads (with fat free dressing of course) and lunch meat.  I also started doing a lot of drugs...I got involved with a bad group of people.  I don't really want to say what I was doing but it really helped me to lose a lot of weight fast, and in a time of about 2 months I went down from 150 to about 105-110.

Some time went by and I almost failed out of college (b/c of the drugs) but I finally got my act together and 2 years later, here I am now.  I am doing very well in school and I have a bright future but I am still struggling with the eating.  I was mostly restricting but I have made myself throw up on a number of occasions, however that was never really the "problem".

The point of that LONG story (sorry!) is that I am trying to gain weight now so I can have a healthy bmi.  I want to be normal about food.  Sometimes I binge (more rarely now) but I don't want to do that anymore.  I am SO afraid though, because I feel very uncomfortable when I gain even a bit of weight, I feel very fat.  Also, I am afraid that my dad will start making comments again.  I had mentioned a while back that I wanted to gain weight but my dad started telling me it was a bad idea, because I'll gain weight "naturally" as I get older and that "you can never be too thin".  I don't know why my dad says these things to me.  I don't think he knows how it affects me and he doesn't know about all of my problems, including the drugs.  I'm scared if I told him, he wouldn't take it seriously.  So I'm scared to gain weight because I'm afraid my dad will think less of me....

Does anyone know what I should do? I'm sorry this is such a long post but I need some help...I think about this all the time.  Yesterday I went to target to buy some size 6 pants as a "goal" to fit into someday soon, to help motivate me to gain, but in the car on the way there I was crying hysterically........I don't know why....I kinda think maybe I am crazy or something. :(

Sorry if this post was pointless.

I have body image issues, and have for some time.  The only comfort I can take is that if you ask every woman you meet if she is satisfied with her body, most will say no.  You're not alone.  I bet everyone on this website has issues with their body (why else would you track calories?).  Maybe you should stop weighing yourself so at least you won't be able to obsess about the number on the scale.  Just an idea.

If I were you, I would talk to my father IMMEDIATELY.  My father is one of the most understanding people I have ever met, and I can't imagine him telling me ANYTHING about my weight.  He loves me regardless.  I would tell your father that it really hurts you when he says these thigns.  Tell him you understand what the norm is for women, that they should all be skinny, but that its more important to be HEALTHY than a twig.  If you father has even a smidge of understanding, I know he'll get the point.  Daddy's never want to hurt their babies.  My father sometimes jokes around with me, but when he knows he has said something to hurt me, he is VERY concerned.  Maybe your father doesn't know that it hurts you?  You need not tell him about all the things that have lead to where you're at now---its the past and it doesn't matter.  All he needs to know is that what he's saying is hurtful to you.

Original Post by ageschwindner:

Daddy's never want to hurt their babies. 

Unfortunately, this is not always the case. I agree, if he is someone you can talk to, explain how much what he says is hurting you (mentally and physically), but there are some fathers that are not as great as yours sounds, ageschwindner.

Some... you are correct.  However, majority of fathers that care would never hurt their children.  I am not talking about the fathers who shouldn't be fathers.  I'm talking about dads that genuinely care.  I am lucky to have the father I do.  I realize this.  But since the main post says that "He didn't mean any harm and he is a great dad,"  I think its fairly accurate to say that her father is like mine, and would NEVER want to hurt her.

No, daddies can be dicks. Mine is a prime example. When I was twelve and cut my hair in a bob, he told me I was so ugly he couldn't stand to look at me. It's one of many hundreds of charming daddy stories.

xSTx, don't listen to your dad. He might have been trying to help in some twisted way, but it came off as mean, and you took it to heart. I'm willing to bet there has been a lot of negative feedback in your home life that has contributed to your poor self image. The best thing you can do is cut off bad influences and get well for your own sake, and  not for anyone else. I still talk to my parents, and I love them dearly, but I keep a healthy distance. They are not good for my mental health.

In re: "unhealhty" fast weight loss, I've been down that path. I did a lot of coke and meth in high school and weighed 85 pounds my senior year (I'm 5'2".) You are crazy awesome tall, and 105 is deathly thin for your height. I didn't do drugs because I wanted to be thin, I did them because I liked they way they made me feel (confident, happy, peppy) and that doing them came with a crowd of friends, so I wasn't so lonely anymore. I also stopped sleeping, started losing my mind, my grades slipped, I effed up at work.... in the end, I was more miserable then when I began.

You are already doing the right thing by concentrating on your studies, getting enough sleep, eating healthy and exercising again. Don't let your dad get to you - you can be too thin, and you already are. Frankly, I think you should cut your dad out of your life for a while, and if he asks why, tell him he's really hurt you and if he can't knock it off, he's on the outs with you.

As a former athlete, you know how to take good care of your body, and you can do it again. Do you have a gym at university?  After you gain a few (5-10) more pounds, maybe start strength training again to get some muscle back. But go slow - your muscles have probably deteriorated a lot over the past few years. I wish you the best of luck, sweetheart. Stay strong - you can do this!!!

Thank you all for the great replies...I will talk to my dad this weekend.  mel_e_mel, it sounds like we have VERY similar stories... "I didn't do drugs because I wanted to be thin, I did them because I liked they way they made me feel (confident, happy, peppy) and that doing them came with a crowd of friends, so I wasn't so lonely anymore. I also stopped sleeping, started losing my mind, my grades slipped, I effed up at work.... in the end, I was more miserable then when I began." Wow when I read this, it was very powerful....this is EXACTLY how I felt...and I didn't start doing them to lose weight either but I also loved how it made it SO easy to stay super thin.  But it's true that it does make you more miserable in the end....even though I'm depressed now and regaining and having low self esteem, I am way better off now than I was.

Sometimes I'm sad that I don't see my old friends anymore (that I used to party with) but then I think about how well I'm doing in school (physics major) and how much I like my new friends that don't do drugs (my physics geek friends).....I am definitely the oddball out of the group since I am covered with tattoos haha but they accept me and don't question my past.

I need to learn how to love myself for other reasons than how I look I think...but it's hard.  I have these "tests" that I have always done to check if I am fat or not....for example one of them is that I lie on my side and touch my knees, and if my thighs touch ANYWHERE then I am fat....but I haven't done this test in a week or so, so I'm going to try to stop....I also compulsively measure my body with measuring tape.....Hmm I never really think much of these habits but when I write them down it sounds absolutely crazy.  :0  I called my school's counseling center but they wanted to give me an appointment for TWO WEEKS from now and I almost started crying...I just feel like I need to talk to someone sooner....but ok sorry I am rambling :] I am just thinking out loud.  I hope everybody has a nice day, and thanks again for the time you took to read my long pointless post :]

Aww, not pointless- you needed to get it off your chest. And you're not crazy; I think everyone has some weirdo test to tell when they're fat, whether by mesuring with tape, body parts or a certain article of clothing. I hate when my thighs touch, too - but only when I'm standing. I can't imagine how thin I would have to be in order to have them not touch when I lay down :0

Good luck at your couseling - I hope it brings you the peace you deserve. If you really need to talk to someone now, ask the center if they have a crisis counselor you could speak to, or if they can perscribe you some anti-anxiety medicine to last you until your appointment. That might help?

xsmellytacox:   I just read through this whole post and felt the need to tell you that from that small amount of insight on your life...you sound like an extremely strong and amazing person.  For how light hearted you sound about all the things you've gone through (i quit smoking and thought that was impossible...i could never imagine quitting any other drugs), i think you have amazing perseverance (or however that's spelled).  You'll be able to get through anything. 

I hope the counseling goes well, and it does sound like you still have some insecurities with weight that probably really do stem from your fathers comments, that probably really need to be discussed with a professional, but you sound like you'll be able to conquer anything. 

Wow, thank you for your very kind comments.  I went to the counseling center yesterday and made an appointment for Friday, after my finals in school are over.  I feel better already after just doing that :]  mdillman3, thank you for the encouragement, I was feeling very down just now but then I checked CC and read that, and you really made my day much better!  It's good to know that I can come here and get such wonderful support and talk to people who can understand.  I hope everyone has a great day!!! Thank you all so much.