Needing some advice (from both men and women)

 

Hi everyone.  I hope I can get out what I want to discuss without sounding the way it may sound.  I am a bit uncomfortable discussing this, which is why I have chosen to post it here for strangers rather than discussing it with one of my friends who may, or may not, understand.

Okay, now that I have prefaced it, here is the issue.  I was working a part time job yesterday that I work Normal 0 sporadically-they call me when they need me from time to time.  The girl I work for had a new guy there yesterday that I had never met before.  Well, I'm not sure, but I think he may have been hitting on me.  Not the obvious stuff, but perhaps just being a little too "helpful" to me.  Ya know, offering to go get this and that for me when I was perfectly capable of getting these things myself, hanging around me a little more than necessary, those sort of things.  I also kind of "felt" his eyes on me quite a bit.

I know, I know your thinking "What is your problem chic, that the guy was being helpful!"???  Well, that's not in and of itself the problem.  The issue is, I don't believe he would've been so helpful if I still looked like I did before.  I guess this is where I need the guys opinion.  I don't want to be conceded and think I am this super hot men drool over me kind of person because I know that I am not.  If you have a minute, perhaps you could look through my gallery and tell me if I am misreading this guy's signals or if, perhaps, I have reached a point where I am going to gain some attention.  My radar is a bit rusty and I don't want to convict someone on faulty equipment. lol

Like I said, it bothers me because this guy doesn't seem like the kind that would be so "helpfull" if I looked like I did before.  After all, he wasn't offering to help the other girls so much!

Maybe I can't get out what I'm trying to say, but if anyone else has experienced this and can give me some advice, I'd appreciate it.  Thanks for listening everyone!

 

 

Hey there.. you know, it's always hard to read a person's intentions when you haven't been in the scene for a while ~ he may very well have been just an extremely nice man or he really liked you..

I can tell you one thing though, looking through your photos, your demeanor seems completely different in your current photo than in the 'before' one.. you look more confident and comfortable with yourself.. but this is only from one photo...

I find that attitude is everything! and the way you feel about yourself, good, bad or indifferent, comes through in a non-verbal manner that people do notice.. perhaps it's that?

You look great by the way!

well guys are always very helpful wt good looking gals. it's in their genes!

before, when i was obese, no one would open a door for me even if i had 5 bags in the hands, but lately everyone seem to be at their nicest. of course not when i'm wt my hubby lol but when i go shopping alone and stuff ...well, you get the point :)

Original Post by cricketro05:

well guys are always very helpful wt good looking gals. it's in their genes! JEANS

 

 

I can see where you're coming from.  I work in a male dominated, technical field.  Prior to weight loss (about 185, 5'2), I didn't worry about whether or not people were taking me seriously, and listening to what I was saying.  Now I worry about it all the time.  Not to sound like I'm bragging, because I'm really not, but I have big boobs, full lips, and in general I'm in pretty great shape, plus I'm young (25).  So now I have to go out of my way to make sure I don't look like I'm trying to look sexy.  Nobody has told me to do this or anything like that, it's more for my own peace of mind.  So I try to look put together, but I don't wear anything even approaching low-cut, nothing tight, etc.  Once I had on a fairly snug black pencil skirt, a button-down shirt and a sweater vest, heels, and glasses, and my boyfriend thought I looked like a "sexy librarian"...it is what it is.

lol @ dbackerfan

i'm not sure i understand what the issue is (and i haven't looked at your pictures, because i think it's irrelevant.  it's impossible for me to know whether this guy is or isn't attracted to you, regardless of what you look like).

you're offended because you think he might think you're cute, and because you think he might not have thought you were cute before?  there are so many hypotheticals in that scenario, i don't know where to start.

you can never really know what someone else is thinking, and you can especially never know what someone else might have thought under different circumstances.  you're just going to hurt your brain trying to do this.

Thanks for the input girls.

V,

Thank you for the compliment. 

I hate the thought that I may be doing ANYTHING that would encourage another man to pay any sort of attention to me.  That makes me feel like I am cheating on my husband.  I am going to have to do a lot of praying about this for sure!  Thank you for pointing it out for me.

Original Post by pgeorgian:

 

you're offended because you think he might think you're cute, and because you think he might not have thought you were cute before?  there are so many hypotheticals in that scenario, i don't know where to start.

 

Um, no. That's not what I'm saying.  Like I said, I don't know how to get it out any better than what I did.  Sorry you aren't able to decipher it.

Original Post by love-bears-all:

I hate the thought that I may be doing ANYTHING that would encourage another man to pay any sort of attention to me.  That makes me feel like I am cheating on my husband.  I am going to have to do a lot of praying about this for sure!  Thank you for pointing it out for me.

I'm married as well and I don't try to be sexy on purpose ...when we go out i do like to dress up cute for me and hubby. but otherwise, just normal-casual

What does it matter? If you are secure in your relationship with your husband then just ignore it. Be flattered that he may find you attractive. If you know you wouldn't cheat on your husband I don't see what the issue is. You said you'd never met the guy before so you don't know he wouldn't have found you attractive before.. you're projecting your insecurities about how you looked before on him. 

Okay, when I first read your post I thought your issue was whether or not to flirt back or be interested in the guy based on the fact that you didn't know if he was the kind of person who would've still been interested in you before you lost weight.

But as I continue to read, and find that you are happily married... Well, then you don't have any problem! All is well! Be flattered that this guy thinks you are attractive. His motives in paying extra attention to you are really irrelevant since you are already taken, no need to fret about whether he is shallow or not. Just take it as a compliment. After all, isn't it nice when people think you are cute?

Okay, well some of you have certainly made some valid points and given me some things to think about.  Thank you very much for taking time to respond.   

I guess it's just the whole being treated differently thing bothering me.  I am the same person now as I was when I weighed 200 lbs., and will be even if I get back up there!! (Which I pray will NEVER hapen!!)  Maybe I am just hormonal, lol, (TTOM).  I don't know.  Anyway, thanks for listening.

Maybe he's just helpful.

Let me put it from a guys perspective, if he's helping, maybe he's just kind honeslty thats how i am.  But if you feel him looking at you, depending on how he's doing it, I would just take it as a compliment if I were you.  If he's oggling you "undressing you with his eyes" to a weird point thats making you uncomfortable then you should say something.  But if he's just glancing (trust me sometimes it just unconcious) take it as a compliment.  Since i don't know the person i can't really say their intentions, but not all men only think with one head, some are HONEST, and some are truly just kind.

Thanks for the suggestions Jessica and Tuman.  See, my husband is one of those super nice guys, so I know all about that.  I dunno, it was just different.  It's hard to explain.

No, he wasn't doing the undressing thing, but it was more than just a glance for sure. 

I have studied communication and nonverbal for 6 years now and sexual harassment is a receiver orientation, that is it doesn't matter if in his mind he is harassing you, but it is more so if you feel like you are being harassed. So if you feel uncomfortable by the way he is acting towards you, technically it is sexual harassment.

Being a communication scholar I obviously am going to suggest you talk to him. Tell him you feel uncomfortable with him being around you so much and ask for some space. This way you aren't accusing him of anything, but you are letting him know that you are uncomfortable with the way he is acting. Then if it continues you need to go to your superior and file a complaint.

 

*T0 clarify Sexual harassment is defined as: Any unwelcome behavior from either a coworker or advisor that targets others and interferes with a daily work routine. It can cause a hostile and uncomfortable work environment for any person involved.

Thank you for that explaination Sam.  I don't believe I want to take it that far.  It's probabally just me being judgemental as others have said.  I have no idea if he would've been as helpful to me if I still weighed 200 lbs. and it's not fair for me to believe he would've.  I'm just going to try to convince myself he is a nice guy and let it go at that.

Incidentally, these aren't "employers" I work for.  I am more or less an independant contractor for them.  I am a photographer with my own studio and they hire me occasionally to work with their studio.  This was to help cover soccer pictures, and I'm not really sure what this guy's role was.  I was told he was there as a sort of "bouncer" to make sure none of the parents gave us any problems.  I'm not really sure what other responsibilities he had that day.

Holy Christ on a Crutch. He's being helpful to her and we're talking Sexual Harassment? W.T.F.?!?!

OK, so as the only guy (I think) who's answered this so far, I ask: So what?

So what if he hits on you now but might not have hit on you when you were more overweight? So what if he was helpful to you?

I'm not going to look in your gallery either. I think that's besides the point and I'm not one to judge you by your appearance. However... I just don't see the problem here.

Maybe he thought you were cute. Maybe he was deciding if he had the nerve to ask you out. Maybe he was interested in you, but too shy to do anything about it. In the wide world of sexual miscommunications to take this as anything more than harmless seems, to me, to be jumping the gun. Maybe if he'd done anything more than help you, it might have been different. If he'd said something or touched you, or whatever.

But... otherwise, I think you should accept it, and move on.

There are worse things in the world, I'd think, than having someone find you attractive.

Um.... double post?

Original Post by love-bears-all:

I guess it's just the whole being treated differently thing bothering me.  I am the same person now as I was when I weighed 200 lbs., and will be even if I get back up there!! 

The mental weight talke much longer to get over than the time it takes to lose the physcal weight. It's not just you. And seriously, to even suggest sexual harasment for someone being nice is really sad.