Needing to be honest about my problem

Hi everyone, so its been a while since i have posted any comments on here in dealing with eating disorders. I have suffered for about 3 years now with anorexia and was doing really well for awhile.

When i first realized that i had a problem and got down to a very low weight (119lbs and i'm 5'11"), i went to counselling, which scared the crap out of me when i realized the seriousness of anorexia. I finally was honest with my family because i really needed help. Once I was threatened by the dr that i would be hospitalized if i didin't get back to a normal weight, i slowly began having a healthier relationship with food and started listening to my body a little bit more. If i was tired, i might still go for a walk but not a crazy long and fast paced one.

In Feb 2008, i weighed 138lbs(a healthier weight but only 2lbs above the lowest i should weigh for my height) but i wasn't happy so started using a fat flush to try and get rid of the foods i was eating.  Because i had hardly any fat in my diet, the fat flush wasn't working so I started taking exlax with the fat flush to get rid of the food. I took the fat flush for 2 months and then stopped as i knew it wasn't good for my system. Over the few months after that, i used exlax a little bit if i felt I needed to get rid of the food i was eating. I knew this wasn't a good idea either but i couldn't help it and thought it was better taking it periodically then taking the fat flush with exlax daily.

During the past three years, i have logged the food that i eat and the exercise that i have done. But over the past year and a half, i have logged the food that i eat to make sure that i am eating enough. quite a few days i would look at my calories in the late afternoon or evening and realize that i had only eaten 1000 calories so far that day and knew i needed to eat more.

I am still very restrictive with the foods that i eat and writing them down. i feel very guilty if i eat too much crap food. I still exercise alot but most of the time i listen to my body when i am tired. Over the past few months though and i have not talked to anyone about  this, i have been using exlax and now senokot to help me go to the bathroom. I think i have really messed my system up because of this and can't always go without help from a laxative.

I really feel that i need to get help again but am afraid. I think i need to go back to counselling but know that if i go back to the drs that she will probably admit me to a program or something more then that.  I have not talked to my boyfriend about this as i dont want him to be disappointed with me or upset with me. We have talked before about my eating problem before but he doesn't know to the extent now that i am having problems again.

Just wondering if anyone has any advice or comments that they would like to share.... Sorry this posting is so long!

Thanks so much for even taking the time to read this

Start eating more. See a doctor. Tell people in your life who will hold you accountable. You know that you need help so just take the step!! you deserve it. 2500 calories...TODAY!! do it...take the step!

Hi. You need to go get a physical and be honest. I understand you are scared but these are very dangerous. Also getting off them needs monitoring. It is hard mentally and physically but you will feel better in the long run. I knew a girl ip who had a permanent bag to go to the bathroom in cause she could not control her bowels from laxative abuse. You don't want that. There are reasons why you are going to such extreme and finding that out in therapy is helpful. If you are suggested a more intense program it is not a punishment but to help you. If they feel you can do this op then I hope you can make progress in recovery

dont apologise we are all here  to help. sounds like you have had a really rough time im know it hard but i really think you should talk to the doctor tell him the way you are feeling . tell him your worries , i really dont think his aim will be to push you into anything you dont want to do , im sure he will be pleased that you are asking for help , by having some counselling it might be just what you need to get bk on track , you are clearly aware where you are going wrong you just need a little help in changing. whatever happens does it really matter at the end of the day you will be taking that step to a happy healthy life away from this horrible disorder h x

Thanks so much for the replies i have gotten! I really appreciate people taking the time to help others out. I know for sure that when i first started suffering with an ED, i was on here all the time and talking back and forth with a few people. What a difference this site can make! i wish i could be on here alot more thats for sure! so many great people on here!

i am really trying to get myself healthy thats for sure! its funny how you can help others eat the right amount and what foods to eat, yet practicing that yourself is very hard when you have an eating disorder.

Thanks

Melissa