LOCKED TOPIC

needing some support

okay, I've been on Calorie Count for quite a while now.
its taken a lot of courage to post this, i hope its in the right forum and everything...

ive been suffering from eds since about April this year, when i weighed around 8 stone, and im 5"5/6ish. I'm 15 and have been a vegetarian all my life, and never had any health issues previously. It started with throwing up dinners, skipping meals particularly lunch and breakfast etc.

I never had a chance to regularly weigh myself though because we dont have scales at home.
Well Im going to spare you the details of how it developed over the months andsummer. But basically for the last few months i have been living off less than 500 cals a day mostly, and taking the odd days to starve myself etc.

I do some exercise, mostly walking, stretching, dancing about my room and the like xD

I now weigh just over 5 and a half stone.
Everyone says I look like a skeleton, particularly my mum, she's worried, she doesn't know about my ed history (although I havent purged since July :D) and thinks I have something wrong with me.
You can see most of my bones, I'm constantly tired, freezing cold, my H8M kids jeans are hanging off me :(
I want to gain, but I'm scared. I want to stay skinny. but Im frightened I will gain too much, I don't know the best way I should approach "recovery" or whatever. I don't want to just load up on junk food or high calstuff, but I want my life back. I want my energy back.

My friends are being dead supportive, like sitting with me and helping me to eat at school (something I have a phobia of) even if it's just some fruit or salad.

But I know you're all lovely people in here and i need more support and advice :/ I'm going to stay with my gran for a week, she hasn't seen me in a few months so she will make lots of comments about my weight and Im terrified.

Please help me? How do I do this properly? I've been building up to 500-1000 cals a day now instead of 200-500. :-) x Thanks so much for reading btw.

Your BMI is very, very low - dangerously so. You should absolutely go to the doctors as soon as possible, however scary that is for you. They will be able to give you the help you need to "do this properly", while people on this forum can't. You want your life back and your energy back, which is a good start, but, by the sound of it, I really don't think that you'll be able to do this on your own. I also think that you should talk to your mum about what's been going on. Good luck.

Oh dear....  You need to get some proper help, not just well-meant support from girlfriends or kind words on message boards.  Talk to your mum again and ask her to get you an immediate appointment with your doctor.   Does your surgery do emergency appointments on a Saturday?  If not, go to Casualty... I'm serious because your life is in danger.   I'm amazed she hasn't taken you along already, to be honest.   You're going to need some professional help in the form of doctors, dieticians, counsellors and other specialist services to overcome this extreme situation.  When you get to this stage, the lack of food does things to your brain so that even if you want to get healthy and eat more, it's an uphill battle to get your brain back on side.

You'll probably have to be admitted to hospital.  I think you're way past the point where you can muddle through this on your own.   Talk to mum right now and call the surgery first thing in the morning.  Don't delay.  You're in a bad way and you need proper help.

Normally, I would start by giving you a long string of advice on how to build up your calories - and I still can, but...good god, girl. You have a BMI of 12.8. You need to go to your doctor, and you should consider asking about inpatient treatment. It sounds very, very scary, but there are moments that we have to take the more frightening steps to put us on the right path. I am surprised you are still moving, sweetheart - you need to go and talk to someone as soon as you possibly can. As in, within the next two days. Go to A+E or a night doctor if you have to (thankyou for reminding me of that Jane). Get your gran or a friend to go with you if that is what you need to do, as it is a lot easier to face these things with someone there.

Rereading this, Jane is right. You need help beyond what CC can offer you.

Please, PLEASE, speak to your GP.

Thank you everyone for your replies :)
But im so scared now :(

You've all put it in perspective.

 Never knew it was THIS serious..that i could DIE.I've never had any major health reason to suggest I was in any danger, that's the thing...I'm not fainting constantly (I've only fainted twice) and my energy levels are low but idk...maybe I just got used to it.

Going to the doctors isn't an option for me, I can't jeopordise everything just for some stupid ed. I can't let my mum or myself down. Im not sure how to explain :/

I've not had my periods in at least four-six months, but this has never been a big deal as my periods were always very irregular and small anyway, and I often missed them and they were never a monthly cycle, they started about 2 years ago now but never got regular anyway. so i never worried about it up til now.

Im beginning to see how difficult it is to recovre though. I always thought it would be a reasonably enlightening experience where you can reconnect yourself with junk food and everything...but getting myself to go near anything of the sort has been impossible :/

Yes, my BMI is low, but I am eating a reasonable diet. So I don't think I need to go as far as the doctors or professional help. Or am I saying this cos I'm stupid and naive:( I need to fix this eventually though because its affecting my happiness and energy and homework and everything :/

x

You're ill and you need help. If you don't go to the doctors yourself, I'd be willing to bet on you finding yourself in hospital - and not in the distant future. This is a serious situation - a matter of life and death and not just what your nan will say to you about your weight or your homework. You will be jeopardising everything and letting yourself down by NOT seeking help, the reverse of what you say. No one here can give you what you need.

Honey, please, GO to your GP. You are at a critically low weight and you are clearly struggling with your eating disorder. You won't let your mum down. You won't let yourself down. Heck, you put yourself at greater risk of letting yourself down if you don't go. Think of yourself, at the risk you are in. What you may think a reasonable diet is likely not. You might see yourself not needing the help but denial and distortion are some of the worst, worst parts of an ED. I was where you are now in May and I cannot stress enough how much better I am doing even not even fully recovered just for making those steps.

If you tackle this now think of how much easier your future will be: you will be able to focus on your homework again, you will be happier and more lively, and you won't be preoccupied with food. If you don't tackle it now - and I hate to be so horribly blunt - you might not have a future at all. Please, your GP and your family can all help you towards the recovery you want, you don't have to do it alone or even try to do it alone. And given where you are right now I think you need the help anyway.

I'm so scared. Thank you everyone:)
I don't know what I'm going to do though :/

 How did the rest of you go about 'refeeding' like in the early stages?

psychologically i mean mostly x

I took it a day at a time, a minute at a time. I taught myself to laugh and to remember all the things my ED had taken, and what I would get back when free of it again. But really, you need to go see your doctor. A unit and a team will help you with all of it.

If you don't feel you can do something yourself and you're scared, then talk to someone who can act.  Talk to your mother.  She loves you and she can already tell you've got problems.  If you were to collapse tomorrow, how terrible would she feel that she'd never been given the opportunity to save you?  Or talk to your grandmother... sometimes it's easier to say things over the phone than it is face to face.  Or talk to a teacher or another adult you trust and tell them you need help - now.   That's all you have to do.  Two words...  'help me'.   Let others take care of you now before it's too late.

Being seriously ill isn't letting anyone down. 

Would you rather your Mum visit you in a hospital or the graveyard. Seriously, it will be hard, but you're too far gone to do this by yourself. The biggest step will be asking for help, but it will be the step that will save your life.

Well, my mum's in Italy for a few days now, and I'm staying at my gran's house. My mum talked to me about putting on weight, and we've been discussing ways of doing it properly/healthily. She recently suggested taking those protein shake things that make you gain weight but ugh no.
She knows I'm far too skinny.
But she doesn't know anything about my ed/ed history. So I'm still getting some form of support off her, you know?
I took some pictures of myself today that I Want to show you all, to see how horrible and bony I have become :( Im too nervous to put them up yet though :/ besides I can't anyway while I'm at my grans.
Before she left for Italy we went into holland and barratts, and bought apple and pear spread, and it's lovely :) I don't know how high-cal it is, but it says its just 100% from naturally concentrated fruit juices.

I had an extra snack today, a wedge of melon, and I feel like I've achieved a lot from just that. I didn't even have to have a glass of water with it, like I usually force myself to do when eating something.

My weight this morning was still 5 stone 4 pounds.

I feel more positive. I need help, but you have to understand the doctors isn't an option for me. I shouldn't collapse if I'm gradually eating more, surely? The trouble is I need to feel liek this recovery is for ME, rather than everyone around me, and this is gradually happening but at first it didnt. So all I can do is ask for your help, the people here who are all so lovely, I sorta need you :[
Its the only replacement for professional help I can get right now. :/ Can i make you understand? :(

Oh and I bought quaker rolled oats today ^^
That's got to be a sign of recovery, right?

Eating more or not (while it is still great to make small steps) you are at a critically low weight. YOU NEED TO GO TO YOUR DOCTOR. You will not be cut out of treatment, teams will work with you and not against you.

Technically, I cant go to my doctor anyway, Im staying 400 miles away from my home, with my gran. Plus I dont really have an "assigned doctor" even at home, so I dont know who to go to. :/

But okay, failing that, how many calories do you think I should be consuming a day to gain? I don't do much exercise, just walking in general, taking the dog out walks mostly, and a bit of stretching and light yoga, I used to do pilates and jogging and stuff but I rarely have the energy nowadays.

You're not listening are you?  So here's the full picture and I'm sorry but it's not pretty.  When you're at a critically low weight and starving your body has used all its fat reserves and starts using up your muscles.  Your heart is made of muscle.  Your body is 'eating' your heart... making it weaker with every day that passes.  You can't feel it possibly but it's happening.    You could start getting irregular heart-beats (dysrhythmia) and then your heart could simply stop working...... suddenly.... no warning.... bang.   Sudden heart-failure is the most common reason for death in people with anorexia.  

You can't go to your own doctor and you may not have an assigned doctor but you can go to the hospital and you should go straight away.    What would happen if your appendix burst or if you were hit by a car?   'Technically' this is exactly the same thing.  I don't know why you're delaying this but it's very disturbing and upsetting for people here to read your posts... knowing that you're critically ill and not doing anything, not asking for help and kidding yourself that somehow buying quaker oats and eating a piece of melon means you're OK really.  Don't post those pictures..... 

GO TO THE HOSPITAL.

Sweetie, I've been reading some of your past posts, and you've been trying to get better on your own for a several weeks now, but instead you're weight keeps going down.  You really need to seek some help with this!  It sounds like your mother is concerned about you, but you just don't want to upset her and worry her.  Honey, she NEEDS for you to let her help you!!  You need to let her know how out-of-control this is, because it is NOT getting better with you doing this alone.  You've gone from 84 pounds a few weeks ago to 74 pounds now!!!  This is eating away at your body, organs, muscles and bones.  Please, get some help.

Can someone please tell me where online (or if they know themselves) how many calories I should aim to start eating? :(

You won't gain weight eating 2000 calories a day, you need to eat AT LEAST 3000 calories a day but even that probably isn't enough. But I wouldn't count calories anyway. When I was gaining weight I went through 5 jars of peanut butter a week, ate maybe 4 bananas a day, 2 avocadoes etc. I got my mother to make me lasagne, spaghetti bolognaise, all those things I'd avoided before.. Gaining weight isn't something you should analyze or control. You just have to do it. As Yoda says "Do or do not. There is no try". If you truly care about your health you will eat. It takes a lot for a person to go from emaciated to overweight, so you needn't worry.

Hi dollymixtures, I haven't seen you to much around, but your profile indicates that you joined in September so that's not surprising...welcome to CC.

I am glad you have asked us for help as it gives me the opportunity to tell you that, from the sound of it, you really should seek some outside professional counseling as soon as you can.

You're 15, so are you in school? Can you talk to your your guidance counselor or school medic/nurse?  I can see that you don't want to talk to your mom and while I disagree, those are my suggestions until you can bring yourself to talk to her.  You have a serious medical condition.  A doctor will be able to run some tests to see what your current health issues are and give you a better idea of what to expect with your recovery.  Your school friends while helpful are not sufficient support.  It's really not fair to them to keep your secret or the guilt they may feel if you have developed long term medical issues.

In anorexics, losing your period is symptomatic of the hormonal imbalance your body currently is in from constant undereating and malnourishment. It shows that you are so malnourished that your body cannot even spare so much as a small amount of energy, blood and tissue for you to cycle regularly. I don't necessarily want to alarm you, but you have to know that losing your period is a very serious thing which in the long-term absence of which can ultimately cause lasting ill effects on your health, particularly your bone density which can result in premature onset osteoporosis. Some long-term anorexia sufferers need to walk with a cane or walking frame at very young ages!

Bottom line is you can take this as a sign that your health is in serious danger and unless you do something about it soon, you could affect your health for the rest of your life.  The sooner you can get your calorie intake up (~3000 per day) start gaining weight and cut out the exercise the better it will be for your health, both short term and long term.

Have you seen the Health & Support forum's ED Support and Information thread? There are a ton of resources on there which may be useful to you? Also we have an expert on EDs on Calorie Count called Matthew Tiemeyer, check out his pages on Calorie Count as well as his blog on about.com. Also we have a Nutritionist Expert Mary Hartley whose pages might be able to help give you some ideas for foods which you could eat.

I hope the links above help and that you find the positive, healthy support you need, but we must advise you that Calorie-Count is all about healthy and sustainable weight management and therefore cannot support unhealthy eating disordered behaviour from those who are unwilling to get help -- so please get help so you can start to get healthy!

Suggestions on who to tell when you need help:

Your parents.  I know this can be a scary one, we all have a load of feelings tied to our parents, but most of them truly want the best for their children.

A school counselor.  This is part of what their job is all about, trying to help students.  They have an enormous amount of information and resources to help you get more help.

A clergymember.  Letting them help you is part of the reason why they signed up.  At the least you get another ear to help talk to you.

An adult friend. Someone whom you can trust and who will be likely to help you do some research on where to go and even make sure you don't chicken out.

Take care of yourself, ok?!

Original Post by smwhipple:

Hi dollymixtures, I haven't seen you to much around, but your profile indicates that you joined in September so that's not surprising...welcome to CC.

I am glad you have asked us for help as it gives me the opportunity to tell you that, from the sound of it, you really should seek some outside professional counseling as soon as you can.

You're 15, so are you in school? Can you talk to your your guidance counselor or school medic/nurse?  I can see that you don't want to talk to your mom and while I disagree, those are my suggestions until you can bring yourself to talk to her.  You have a serious medical condition.  A doctor will be able to run some tests to see what your current health issues are and give you a better idea of what to expect with your recovery.  Your school friends while helpful are not sufficient support.  It's really not fair to them to keep your secret or the guilt they may feel if you have developed long term medical issues.

In anorexics, losing your period is symptomatic of the hormonal imbalance your body currently is in from constant undereating and malnourishment. It shows that you are so malnourished that your body cannot even spare so much as a small amount of energy, blood and tissue for you to cycle regularly. I don't necessarily want to alarm you, but you have to know that losing your period is a very serious thing which in the long-term absence of which can ultimately cause lasting ill effects on your health, particularly your bone density which can result in premature onset osteoporosis. Some long-term anorexia sufferers need to walk with a cane or walking frame at very young ages!

Bottom line is you can take this as a sign that your health is in serious danger and unless you do something about it soon, you could affect your health for the rest of your life.  The sooner you can get your calorie intake up (~3000 per day) start gaining weight and cut out the exercise the better it will be for your health, both short term and long term.

Have you seen the Health & Support forum's ED Support and Information thread? There are a ton of resources on there which may be useful to you? Also we have an expert on EDs on Calorie Count called Matthew Tiemeyer, check out his pages on Calorie Count as well as his blog on about.com. Also we have a Nutritionist Expert Mary Hartley whose pages might be able to help give you some ideas for foods which you could eat.

I hope the links above help and that you find the positive, healthy support you need, but we must advise you that Calorie-Count is all about healthy and sustainable weight management and therefore cannot support unhealthy eating disordered behaviour from those who are unwilling to get help -- so please get help so you can start to get healthy!

Suggestions on who to tell when you need help:

Your parents.  I know this can be a scary one, we all have a load of feelings tied to our parents, but most of them truly want the best for their children.

A school counselor.  This is part of what their job is all about, trying to help students.  They have an enormous amount of information and resources to help you get more help.

A clergymember.  Letting them help you is part of the reason why they signed up.  At the least you get another ear to help talk to you.

An adult friend. Someone whom you can trust and who will be likely to help you do some research on where to go and even make sure you don't chicken out.

Take care of yourself, ok?!

 Thank you for your support, it's really appreciated :)
And you have definately put this into perspective. I'm now seriously considering a quiet talk with the school nurse when we're back to school next week. I want my life back. Perhaps one of the flaws in my attempts to recover is that I still compulsively want to count and track everything I eat? I don't know.

So until then do you suggest I just try to eat as much peanut butter and bread as possible?

I'm definately going to go onto all the help pages here, and spend some time researching recovery and stuff. I should be doing all my coursework and revision, that's what I intended to get done whilst I was away. But I KNOW this is more important; if I don't act soon I realise there might not BE a me around to do this homework! I guess I just didn't know the extent of the damage i was doing up til now, because I didn't feel like I was suffering greatly from any of the symptoms. But they're mostly internal and long term anyway right? Except for a bit of hair loss and my body turning into a skeleton, and the lack of periods...

Everyone that has given me support thanks SO much <3

hunny im sorry but anyone who doesnt tell you to go stright to the er is not helping..pleaes do what is right for you!