Never had an ED but I'm starting to have disturbing thoughts...

Ok... lets start with my stats. I'm 22 years old, 5'4" 125 pounds. Since I started on calorie count I have lost 20 pounds. 125 pounds was my goal weight. However I have noticed that lately I have been having disturbing thoughts in regards to my body and eating. I tell myself I am fat constantly in my head. I know I sound nuts right?When I look in the mirror I see a fat person. I thought being 125 would make me happy. But I find  that I am actually disgusted with the way I look. I have no idea why I feel this way about myself. This kind of thinking just started a few weeks ago.

I have never had an eating disorder.  I was 120 pounds in high school and I always thought I looked great. Why do I see myself as fat now? I know my BMI is healthy but I want to lose 15 more pounds at least if not 20.  I haven't told this to anyone. I sort of tried to mention it to my mom and she just kept telling me I was thin enough. I don't feel that way.

I don't need to hear how crazy I'm sounding. I'm completely aware of it.

I still eat 1200 a day at least sometimes 1300 but I find myself being ashamed the more I eat. I'm disgusted with myself when I eat even a little over my limit and I'm shocked and sickened by how much people that don't diet consume daily. Just thinking about the fact that everything I put into my mouth adds onto my body. It makes me sick...

Please don't judge me or think I am weird. I came here hoping to see if anyone else has ever felt the way I have been feeling. Because I really can't believe I feel this way. This post isn't for attention or vanity purposes. It's just me telling you how I feel.

What's the matter with me? Should I be concerned?

 Be nice please.

Original Post by peasmum:

Okay... finally some people who share similar concerns!

I too had a baby - 17 months ago now. 

Now, I am actually 9 pounds lighter than I was before I had her, and at 131 (5"7) I'm one pound away from my goal weight. This however, feels  bitter sweet, as I'm still not happy with the way I look - especially my belly and love handles. So, I've decided to try to lose another 4-5 pounds to get to 126 and then re-evaluate.

For me, I think lack of exercise (not counting running around all day after a busy toddler) may be why I don't look as good. But obviously having a baby changes the appearance of your body. I actually have smaller arms and thighs then before, and hey I've gained some boob (not so bad) but, the worst is I have a midsection the same size as my hips!

So, I've been obsessing a bit lately, and I feel so guilty if I eat something bad or go over my calories - it gets a bit nuts (and hubby thinks so too)!

I've been thinking a lot about what is triggering my newfound border-line obsession (or maybe outright obsession) with my body image. I think it may have something to do with losing myself somewhat after having a baby. I think we can get so caught up in being 'mummy', and also a good 'wife'  or 'partner' our needs can be forgotten (both by ourselves and others) to the point we can get a bit lost. Who is this new person? I mean before having a baby I was a wife, but I was also very much my own person, independent, went out a lot with friends, did my own thing - more selfish lol. Now, I am more responsible and my baby's needs are put ahead of mine, but what about me I guess? 

I don't know about you, but my life has gone through a MAJOR CHANGE since having a child, and maybe all this responsibility and lack of independence has left me somewhat down, and therefore taking it out on myself. YES, I Love my baby girl soooo much, and she makes me so happy and I wouldn't change having her for the worlddd...but like a good friend suggested, I think I really need to make sure I make time for me, get out with friends, do things I love doing etc....and here's the pinch....I need to do it without wishing I was with my baby and/or without feeling guilty that I should be with my baby. Do you know what I mean?

Anyway, that's what I intend to work on, that coupled with exercising more (exercising is good for the mood afterall) to improve muscle tone. If I don't try to tackle this now, I can see myself going on a further downward spiral with my eating.

You may not feel this way, but it's so good being able to share my concerns, because just writing this will hopefully stop me ignoring what I need to do to be happier with myself.

 

That's so cool! My son is 17 months too. I had him January 26th 2008. When was your daughter born? I do feel the same way you do. I have lost 20 pounds since I started this. 10 pounds from the baby weight and 10 pounds from the “after wedding weight”… When we were first married my husband and I didn't have much money but we knew how to make spaghetti.  So that and birth control pills made me gain 10 pounds in a month after the wedding.

So I am basically back to the weight I was when I married my husband. I even wore the exact same shirt that he proposed to me in today and when I told people about my shirt they where like "Wow it's the exact same shirt?" like they were surprised it still fit. If they only knew all the work I had to do to fit back into that shirt.

Because I never thought I'd be this size again most of my before wedding clothes have been given away and I am left with a closet full of clothes that don't fit me and no money to buy new ones. (I buy too many clothes for my son to afford ones for myself) So I'm Ms. Frumpy Mommy with the baggy clothes and the skinny legs. Still have the baby pouch on my stomach too. Don't know if it will ever go away. And my boobs are bigger too. That is the only thing I am thrilled about.

Lovely venting to you. We must do it again some time!:)

Hiya!

That's cool our babies are the same age! My daughter was born on the 6th of Jan 08.

I did a little research on ED's etc to make sure my constant thinking about my eating and weight wasn't getting to be a problem, and I'm happy to say I think the thoughts we are having are normal. Because we have both lost a fair bit of weight I think it takes our brains a bit longer to catch up and realise "hey, I'm actually looking pretty damn good!". In fact I haven't had hips this small for over 12 years! Also, because we are use to eating less and smaller proportions to lose it, it's natural to think will I have a problem eating more once I can maintain? I honestly don't think I will, I am missing being able to have that extra snack here and there, so I think so long as I watch that I'm not overeating past my maintanence for awhile it will be fine. I mean even if I gain a few pounds, not a big deal ha, as I've been able to prove to myself I can lose a heap of weight, what's a few pounds!

As for finding our ideal weights, I think we will know where we feel the best with a bit of experimentation here and there. So long as we know we are not fat, we can never be perfect (hey I don't mind a little pudgey bit on my tum as a reminder of my beautiful bub) and we keep within our healthy weight ranges, we are okay.

My problem was that last week I was feeling rather despondent about the fact I had lost a lot everywhere, but still had a lot of pooch, a thicker waist then I would like and a dang muffin top, yet I was down to 132 at 5"7. However, after measuring this week I am overjoyed to find I have lost another .5 off my waist, a whole inch from my abdomen! and even another .5 from my hips and .5 from my chest! All this when I've only gone down another pound/pound and a half! I even hit my goal of 130 weighing myself (okay so I was naked lol) first thing in the morning yesterday and the day before!

Anyway...I guess it's true the place you gain the weight first and the most, is the last to budge and it looks like that is happening now because my body must be running out of fat to burn elsewhere. Also, I've now found that although my weight can go down a lot on the scales and my measurements can hardly budge, the reverse can also happen - measurements can change but weight doesnt...guess the weight redistributes itself or something. So, thank goodness because I honestly can't lose more than another 7-8 pounds which would place me right at the bottom of healthy BMI! I'm thinking around 125-127 might be about the right weight for me as I'm pretty sure I have a small frame.

Hey...great talking to you! I totally relate to not being able to buy clothes and like you I don't fit a lot of them because they are post pregnancy or old clothes that are actually too big - mostly my pants now given my smaller hips. Funny how I use to think I would never fit those clothes again and if only I could...and now they are too big! I only work part-time at the moment and most of that money goes on keeping us in our mortgage and the little that is left goes on my daughter. It's winter here at the moment, so she needs an endless supply of layers and warm clothes. Can't wait for summer lol, easy tops and shorts all round!

Feel free to add me as a buddy.  I'm still pretty new on here, so would be great to have some people with similar backgrounds and concerns to chat to.

Have a good day! And BTW, I think you look fantastic, very yummy mummy!