A new baby??

This might be long, so I apologize in advance. I know no-one can make this decsion for my family but my husband and I but I'd like some advice.

We have a 2 1/2 year old right now. I really think she'd love to have a sibling. The problem is finances. We want to give our current child everything she needs/wants(with in reason) and if we have another there's no way we could afford, dance lessons and private school...so on and so on. Not to mention daycare alone costs us 620.00 a month right now and they don't give breaks for a second child. My husband and I both have siblings, myself only 1, him 6. He grew up very poor and will not let our child go without. He didn't even have a bike, for heavens sake. Is it fair to keep her an only child. I've been thinking about this so much lately and if we have another I want to soon so they will be close in age and I'm about to be 31. Before our child now, I miscarried at 16 weeks so it might be a long road again. The husband is on the fence like me, about affordability. There's no doubt in my mind that if we did have a child, that it would be loved, please no one misinterpret this. We're just trying to be responsible. It's so hard. We have our house on the market now...been on there for a year now...so we are going to move into a less expensive home, but cars and such won't be paid off for a few more years. I just don't know what to do. She has plenty of playmates and such, it just worries me. I don't want her to be lonely. We devote all of our time to playing with her, when she home with out her little friends. Also, is it possible to love another as much as I love her? She's my world and sunshine. Am I the only one to feel like this? help!

Amy, you are not the only one. We all love our children so much we just can't imagine loving anyone else as much, but it happens, it just does. I have three children (all adults now) and I remember feeling like you while I expected my first son: I looked at my daughter and felt so unfair toward that unborn child, because I loved his big sister so much...

And that's where you should find the answer to your questions. Don't think too much. Love. And if you love enough you'll find out that no matter how much money you have, there will always be enough to be happy. Children do not need things, dance lessons or fancy clothes. They need the love of their parents (and there is a big difference between having 2 children and 7!). I never had money problems, but we raised our three children without any frills, and they often had much less than their peers. They grew up in developing countries, because that's where my husband worked. Their cousins had everything, and parents that divorced. Our children used to protest when they compared what they had to what other kids had. Now they thank us, because they recognize it made them more grateful for the things they did have, and also because they never missed what they needed most, which was our love, support and trust.

No one can tell you what to do, but try not to balance the decision to have another child with what is left on your banking account. These two things just do not belong in the same category. And you mention "cars". Maybe you could do with smaller ones or with just one? A second child costs less than a car if you factor in the purchasing money, the maintenance, the insurance and the gas... So if you can afford a second car, you can probably afford a second child!

Just my opinion...

Original Post by amy4302:

I don't want her to be lonely.

Also, is it possible to love another as much as I love her? She's my world and sunshine. Am I the only one to feel like this? help!

 These two sentences really struck a chord in me.

In regards to her being lonely, I was worried about the complete opposite. I cried every day for a week after coming home from the hospital with my second child because I couldn't give my 4-year-old daughter the attention I did pre-second baby. I wasn't worried about her being lonely without a sibling but her being lonely WITH a sibling.

To answer your second question: yes, you can and it's even more amazing than the first time around. While pregnant with my second child, I asked my father (I have one sister) how he divided his love between the two of us. I told him that I was so worried about how much I loved my daughter and how I didn't know if I could split that love between her and a second child. He just laughed and laughed. He finally told me that I wouldn't have to split my love between two and I would understand what he meant when I had two children. Boy, was he right and was I naive to even consider having to split my love (I feel silly just recalling that conversation!).

My daughter was not a planned pregnancy. After she was born, my husband and I knew we wanted her to have a sibling (we both have sisters) but we considered keeping her an only child so we could financially give her everything she needed. After much talk, we decided that the financial things weren't that important to us and she would benefit more from having a sibling. We certainly aren't HURTING financially but we can't go out and buy every toy or have them participate in 3 and 4 activities each. Our daughter takes dance classes and will probably play an instrument and a sport, just like we did, and our son will probably play an instrument and a sport as well. It will mean we have to cut out some niceties for ourselves but it's well worth it. Not having a ton of money will also help our children learn to control money in a wise way. They will learn to be humble and not expect the latest trends all the time. My husband and I both learned these lessons growing up despite the fact that both sets of parents are VERY well off financially. They did not buy us everything we wanted and we turned out just fine :)

I completely understand your hesitation despite your desire. I cannot tell you what you should do. Since we do have parents that are well-off, we have an emergency safety net should we ever need it. This fact helped push us to decide to have our second child. So far, we haven't needed to ask them for help. One piece of advice I received was: if you wait to have a child until you have enough money, you'll never have kids. Truer words have never been spoken. We always wish we have more money but we can support ourselves and we are one happy family.

Excellent post, schaufel. You said perfectly what I was trying to :)

Thank you both so much for your advice. I know we can't wait until we have enough money..there's no such thing, in my world anyway! I do also worry about her being jealous of the new baby, should we decide this. I know she'd get over it and be a big help. I just want to do the right thing for my family. Again thank yall so much for sharing and putting yourself out there. 

Speaking from experience, I was/am an only child, and growing up, I always hated it.  My parents could afford to give me what I wanted (within reason like you said).  I took guitar lessons, had nice clothes, etc.  It was great, but I was very lonely.  In all honesty, I think I could've done without the little extras if it meant having a sibling.  But material possessions don't mean that much to me.  I think it all depends on your child's personality.  I was always shy and quiet, so I had a hard time making friends.  If your child is more outgoing, she may not care if she has a sibling.  But being an only child definitely influenced my decision to have two children.  I hated it so much that I vowed to never have just one child. 

I am a 30 year old mother of 3. My first two were planned to the month we wanted them born, the third definatley unplanned. My husband and I were so scared how it would work financialy. I had a great job that allowed me to bring my kids but not possible with a baby. Guess what? It works! despite the loss of income we now have a several thousand in savings which we never had before. It is amazing how much you can save when you put your mind to it. I only have a pre paid cell phone for emergencies, we went to basic cable, we got a magic jack phone (20$ a year!), and I started cutting coupons. i found a great hair stylist at Great Clips, use Redbox to rent movies. I guess you get the picture. It may sound like a lot of sacrifice but you know you would easily do it for your daughter. You will absolutely love all your children the same. I felt the same way you do with my first one. In fact I thought my first was the perfect baby. After  having 2 more I realized she was the hardest!

I have my kids involved in activities through our city. It is much less expensive than taking them to a private facility. In fact they use many of the same instructors you would find at private places.(I know this because I taught gymnastics at a gym and at the city rec center.)

Don't let money stop you from creating life. Your daughter would benefit more from a sibling then from money. My children are inseperable. They wouldn't be who they are without one another.go for it!

i go back and forth too.  In one aspect I want to give Julia someone to hang out with on vacations; and trips; and just have a partner in crime like I had my sister.  on the other hand; I don't want to take time away from my julia.  And; looking back-  I had some heavy post partum change of life issues after she was born-  I could only imagine going through that with julia plus a new baby.  The hormones were just raging and w/ lack of help from my DH; I don't know if I could go through that again.  And then how would I commute back and forth to the city to work with 2 babies?  Everything is perfect now.  Would adding another one tip the balance?  Reading this I sound so selfish.  what matters is Julia's happiness and I'd have to craft my lifestyle around both of them.  Its so hard all the time.  I know I'll never have enough money -  but like every other momma on here; you sacrifice for your children.  Which I'm more then prepared to do; I'm just worried about being a GOOD Momma to BOTH rather than being an AWESOME Momma to one.  Tough call.  My mom had two of us and sometimes she makes it sound like we ruined her life.  I never want my children to feel like that.  EVER.

I was also worried about loving the next one just as much, but let me tell you, there is plenty of love to go around.  I think I love the first one even more because he loves his little sister so much. Don't get me wrong there is jealousy, but not much and it is an opportunity for him to learn.  My kids are 24 months and 9 months.