new and slightly nervous

I've been lurking for a while now and I thought that it was about time I posted. I am 17 almost 18 years old and 2 weeks ago weighed 46.4kgs. I'm too frightened to weigh myself again following days of high calories. At my worst I ate 600 calories, now I try to manage 1500 calories a day and walk for at least 30 minutes.

I am depressed and have today eaten almost 5000 calories. I usually follow days like these with days of under 1000 calories, even though my arms now lack muscle and my legs are practically straight up and down.

Some days I am positive and happy and tell myself I need to gain weight, not having had my period in 1 year. On these days I eat around 2500 calories. On most days I am obsessive and repetitive, eating only 'safe' foods.

I have made progress though, I gave up veganism, but now want to go back to it following today's amount of calories. I have yet to go see a dietician because I am too afraid to gain weight and go back to being overweight.

I don't really know what to do anymore. I annoy my parents who tell me to be quiet about it and be normal. My friends are sick of being badgered with my obsessiveness, though some are supportive, others just tell me to eat. I am so sick of everything. I just want to be normal.

Duplicate post -- others have addressed the OP's concerns.