new and slightly nervous

I've been lurking for a while now and I thought that it was about time I posted. I am 17 almost 18 years old and 2 weeks ago weighed 46.4kgs. I'm too frightened to weigh myself again following days of high calories. At my worst I ate 600 calories, now I try to manage 1500 calories a day and walk for at least 30 minutes.

I am depressed and have today eaten almost 5000 calories. I usually follow days like these with days of under 1000 calories, even though my arms now lack muscle and my legs are practically straight up and down.

Some days I am positive and happy and tell myself I need to gain weight, not having had my period in 1 year. On these days I eat around 2500 calories. On most days I am obsessive and repetitive, eating only 'safe' foods.

I have made progress though, I gave up veganism, but now want to go back to it following today's amount of calories. I have yet to go see a dietician because I am too afraid to gain weight and go back to being overweight.

I don't really know what to do anymore. I annoy my parents who tell me to be quiet about it and be normal. My friends are sick of being badgered with my obsessiveness, though some are supportive, others just tell me to eat. I am so sick of everything. I just want to be normal.

its not easy but it is possible.

you need to change your eating habits. today you ate 5k cal. okay its more than normal. but at 46kg you are lighter than 1.most ppl and 2. you should be (what height are you?)

dont follow today by eating 1000cals. tomorrow get up and decide you are not going to restrict. allow yourself 2000 cals. everytime you binge and then restrict you are setting yourself up for another binge. you need to stop restricting after you binge.

do you have any kind of support in terms of a school or college counsellor?

I am 168cm, so 5'6 I think. I've gotten a referral to see a psychiatrist. I was on anti-depressants but got taken off them.

right well then 46.6kg is ridiculously low. you need to be on a weight gain diet and need to gain at least 10-11kg.

whether you do this is up to you. but if you want to continue living the way you are and enduring the misery that you are - then by refusing to gain weight you are going the right way about it.

you need to increase your cals first to 2000 and then to 2500. why did you stop taking the antidepressant and what antidepressant were you on

I was on Luvox and stopped because my doctor and I agreed they weren't working for me and because of other medical conditions, such as being hospitalised for low blood pressure and dehydration. I have to see a psychiatrist and they'll probably prescribe me a different type.

thats a very old s.s.r.i

its called faverin over here. i actually took it myself and found the side effects awful so i can sympathise on that front. there are many newer and effective antidepressants but rather than clinical depression it sounds as though your depression is related to being underweight and the associated distress caused by your current food situation.

do you have a therapist you can talk to?

Not at the moment, but I am going to see a new one this week, since I finished school and no longer see my school counsellor. It was actually my depression which made me want to lose weight. I've struggled with it for most of my teen years undiagnosed.

First of all, CONGRATULATIONS for opening up as you did. Secondly, you are a normal young lady, who has concerns that can be addressed. According to your eating habits, when you pack calories, then you put your body in a starvation mode for days trying to recouperate, which is more damaging than good. When  you have a bad day, which we all do, all normal people at least, let it go... you cannot reverse the damage, but do not hurt yourself to less than 1000 calories a day. This is telling your fat cells to go ahead and get bigger because you are going to starve your body again.

If you are going to see a therapyst, great, this will have a calming effect when you realize what a great person lives inside your body. You probably have annoyed your parents and friends by now, but this doesnt mean they are not there for you. You can change your approach and ask them for their silent support. For example, the family can change their cooking style if they used to cook high fat and high sugar foods all the time. They can also modify their sodium to help you with your weight control.

You will modify your feelings about all this, as you get older, there is no escaping being a teenager, but if you befriend some older or mature people, you will get a headstart on your approach in everything you do.

I hope you can wait about medication, this can bring other problems in the future, just talk it out, if no one wants to listen, then look for me and talk to me, we can do this together,

Sincerely, Violet

Thank you so much. Today is a new day and I am going to pretend yesterday never happened. I am going to enjoy food and take it a day at a time. Let's just hope it works.

Thank you.