newlywed seeks help..lol

well, iam not sure if i would still be called a newlywed, it will be a year next month,but still seeking help..

has anyone else out there gotten suck being the person to do all the grown up things?
like pay the bills, making sure cars have their oil changed,cleaning,etc
while the other spouse does nothing but work and come home to play on their computer/watch tv/etc?

my personal problem is that iam getting tried of this and have yet to have found a way to get it though to my husband that i cant do it all,nor should i have to.
while i know that he sometimes works longer hours then i do, he only has to drive 10 mins to get to his and i have to drive an hour each way to get to mine. so iam at work for 8 and half hours 5 nights week with two more hours on top of that to get to work and get home.

i can understand why i would run more of the errands then he does since i already pass so many things on my way home(like the store, gas stations,wal-mart,etc) but he could still write out bills and mail them, and clean without being asked.

iam getting worn out on this. we started out sharing duties but at some point it all became me.

anyone else get into something like this? if we ever have kids im going to go crazy, if i havent all ready..lol.

plus i know its not a guy thing cause i know plently of guys that do these things in there marrages.

any advice would be wonderful, or just maybe i know how you feel..lol. im so mad i could scream but i know that would only make things worse.

I've just been thru this, we're separated now and have 2 kids. You either have to put your foot down or simply stop doing it. Easier said than done, thus my separation. I did both at once and look at us now.

I wish you luck. If you don't end this now, it'll follow you to the point of explosion one day.

set the bills up on automatic payment.

and just tell his a$$ to clean.

he wouldnt do it if he lived by himself probably.

we had to fight awhile about it..i just siad i am not your fricking mommy so you can just start acting like a man and not a little boy and if you dont like it theres the door.

its bratty to be that lazy. if he gets an attitude about being asked hes doing so you shut up and just keep being used.

a passive way would to be to ask him why he does it...i dont know if he will get passive though.

everyone has lazy phases too.

but really set those bills up auto-pay. its so nice.

same situation as you...and going through a divorce now...   put your foot down

I paid my bills online... much easier! 

well when i ask him to clean he does it without question. and i know why he acts like that. as bad as it my sound i know its because of his mother. she is on of those people that LIKES being in full control. she was the one that did most of these things before i showed up.
but even then he did somethings on his own.
to give you an idea about what his mom is like, she made all his doc appt for him and he was 20 when i met him. he was never made to do certion things on his own, like doc appt, pay bills etc. but he did take care of his car on his own and run his own errands atleast. now nothing..

How do you not get caught back up in it though, you love the guy (usually) and you leave him, how do you not go back? You know it's going to be the same eventually, it's like they give in only to know in their head that you'll eventually care for them all over again and they stop.

I'm sick of it!

Men suck, maybe we can all get married but live in separate houses? OR better yet, the polygamists have something going for them don't they, lol?

also some of our bills do get taken from the bank accont each month by the company, but the others i dont have that option. i kind of live in a slow town you see. water,grabge and all that you can only pay by check cause they dont have web sites and dont do the auto withdraw..

just tell him strait..look im not doing alll this crap for you anymore.

and then actually stop doing it. stop enabling him.

since his mom is a c.f. im sure he does think for himself naturally most times. probably zones out. it changes if you let it.

good thing he doesnt have a tude' though about cleaning! lol

In my home, it seems that my husband is the full-time "grown-up" who does the lion's share of the work.

Why it works for us?  He knows that I'll do anything he asks me to do.  However, I'm one of those head-in-the-sky people who really can't tell the difference if the carpet needs vacuuming, or if it's a good time to do some laundry.

I have actually asked him to write down chores he wants me to do and leave a list in the kitchen.  That's what really works best for us.  I can't read his mind and know what he wants done, but I'll do anything the moment it's asked of me.

Maybe your husband's the same way.  It's a lot easier to follow an instruction like "Please put away the dishes this afternoon" than "You need to help out around here anymore".  Just try a little less obscurity in the conversation, and it should help.

lol...yea..he doesnt mind cleaning so much. i think he just takes it for granted though.
i know i should put my foot down about most of this stuff but latly anytime i try to say anything about it he says he is stressed from work, hates his job. well i hate my job too. neither one of use is working at a job we want to be at right now. so he comes home and gets online to forget about it and that leads to forgetting about everything else.

i keep telling him to quite and go where he would be happier but this job pays good money so he is scared to leave it. he was never really failed at anything, mostly cause his parents wouldnt let go of him long enough to let him, but now he doesnt know what to do if he does.

i have thought of telling him that we should divide the chores up better..but can seem to find a time to tell him. i was going to today but he came home from work really POed and i thought better of talking to him when he is already mad.
but that seems to happen alot these days.....

I am sorry...I know I am a guy...but we split the house work and such. She does the laundry I used too, but now she has too many things I have no idea what to do with. I do dishes, dust, and vacuum. She pays the bills, I do the yard work. She does the bathrooms, I do the kitchen, most of the time I cook...it all works out..sorry he is such a butt. When I was growing up I had to do most of it. Mom and dad were divorced when I was 10 mom had to work, so I got stuck with doing a lot of growing up. I had to raise my brother and cook and clean when I got home from school. I guess I just go used to it. If he had some one do it all his life he never had to do it, maybe he just needs a little pushing. It also comes with age...it will get better well you would hope anyway...Good Luck!!!

i've been thinking of this a lot lately. i recently asked my husband to do more around the house to clean up after himself. he's making an effort & i've noticed a change. your husband should respond to a sincere request from an exhausted/frustrated spouse. if he truly doesn't notice, write up a chore list, with a frequency and split it in a way that makes sense for both of your schedules & preferences.

something like this...

dishes : wash them : 1x per day (him)

dishes : put them in kitchen : ongoing (both)

clothes : wash them : 1x per week (her)

clothes : put them in hamper : ongoing (both)

trash : empty : 1x per week (or when it smells) (him)

trash : put in trash cans : ongoing (both)

lawn : mow it : 1x per week (him)

lawn : put clippings at curb : Thursday PM (him)

vacuum : 1x per week (her)

dust : 1x per week (her)

swiffer : 2x per week (her)

bills : pay upon arrival (him)  

i've been wondering : is it fair for one person to always have to tell the other when it's time to mow the yard or vacuum the floor or wash the dishes or do laundry? aren't most adults capable of recognizing when a laundry bin is over-flowing or when the yard is about to be too tall for the mower? i don't accept the "i'm a head in the clouds person" as an excuse for not doing one's share to keep a shared living space clean and functional. it's a nice excuse, a great setup if you can find someone who lets you get away with it,  but i don't buy it. i may be more inclined to notice these things, but my husband is fully capable of noticing them too. why should i have to nag him for the rest of our days?

If he was raised that way, then he doesn't know any better. You have to "train" him. Don't get on his case, or nag, it'll only make things worse.

Start by asking him to do one thing, like take the garbage out, or whatever. But, say, "if you take the garbage out for me, then I'll _______ (Fill in the blank, like a sexual favor). Do this a couple times. I know it'll suck at first, but eventually, he'll do it without asking just to get his special favor. Then slowly ween the favors out and he'll be doing it because he's been doing it.

I had that problem at first. Mine didnt do anything. He worked hard all day, but after he got home--nothing. I finally got him to do some things and I realized that I liked things done MY WAY. So, now I don't mind doing the chores.

Of course he liked it done YOUR way monkey, that meant he didn't have to do it!

I like how carrihound states the head in the clouds theory is a cop out, and it is, bravo.

dont worry stinky1..i know its not a guy thing. my brother does chores at his house on his own and so does alot of other guys i know. i actully like hearing things from a guys point of view. i find it helps get more ideas on how to handle things. we all think deferently so the more points of veiw the better i say.

and i agree with you carrihound...i know he sees it cause once and a while (and i do mean awhile) he will do things cause he knows they need done. so i know he sees it. i really do not want to nag for the rest of our lives. that would be no fun for me or him.

No, I said I like it done my way. He always screwed things up one way or another. He was raised that way as well... his mother never made him do anything.

Yeah, that was all my job...My husband was in charge of overseeing the devaluation of the yen and promoting world peace... :)

You gotta do what works for you both...he needs to know what you need without accusation of anger..

It's not a cop-out if it works for a couple...

make it about what you are feeling and avoid pointing fingers...think about what you really need vs what you want...