For all intensive purposes I'm more or less a nice a guy. I listen to peoples problems, give advice in life, remember things about people, do nice things, and joke around a lot. I'm friends with most everyone and a lot of people like me (Meaning popular). Despite this I've never had a girlfriend and all the guys who aren't like me A.K.A. jerks, seem to get all the girls. Recently my mom was even telling me how her brother in high schools had girls chase them harder when they were more like jerks and that she wanted guys more like that. I ask you, why is that. Why does it seem that nice guys truly finish last?
EDIT: I do have a very good sense of humor and like I said I joke all the time. I'm always making people laugh. I usually don't take myself too seriously anymore and will laugh at all the things I do, escpeically because I'm a klutz. The only time I'm not working on making people laugh is in serious conversations and when I'm concentrating on school work.
EDIT EDIT: I was anorexic last year and that may have a wee bit to do with it. Anorexic people don't exactly feel good about themselves so this whole persona is new to me. Also I have pretty good social senses but horrible flirt senses.
There is a difference between being a nice guy and being a doormat. And just because your nice and people like you, don't expect girls to tell you when it's "OK" to ask them out. You need to take the initiative. And you need to be who you are, people will like you or they won't but you have to like yourself first.
Original Post by zmarsh:
Why does it seem that nice guys truly finish last?
Because it's a society propagated meme that boosts the sales of self help books and teen angst movie tickets.
And, as someone has mentioned, it's not enough to just be "a nice guy." I've met plenty of nice guys, but still weren't compatible due to a number of factors that had nothing to do with the "niceness" factor. One guy, a wonderfully nice person who I did actually date, simply had religious beliefs that were incompatible with mine. I did eventually date, and marry, a nice guy - in fact, he still comments about how amazed he is that a guy like him got me to go out with him.
Believe it or not, most women do want to date a nice guy, anecdotal evidence notwithstanding. The more you get out there, the more you broaden your interests, the more people you meet, the better your chances of meeting them.
I usually don't go for sport metaphors, but: You miss 100% of the shots you never take.
Wow, I really dislike that misconception of nice guys finishing last. And here's why:
I don't think it's right to have a relationship be the reason why you're finishing first. There's so much more to a person than who they're dating! I blame unrealistic media for making us feel like we're incomplete people unless we have that special someone by our side.
A person who posesses self-confidence, independence, and sense of purpose in their life is attractive... and a big part of that attraction is because they don't need anyone else to make them feel happy or complete.
And I mean, think about it--what's the cutoff time for finishing "last"? The end of high school? College? Middle age? Death? Most of the nice guys I knew in high school who finished "last" are now at the top of the heap as they exit out of their 20's. Time will be on your side. I know that's not comforting right now (it wasn't comforting for me when someone told me that when I was younger).
Dude, you're in the 9th grade. I know it's no consolation, but give it some time. Girls your age take a while to figure out that nice guys are waaaay more worthwhile than jerks. I think it has something to do with figuring out who you are and being OK with yourself. In my experience (and I know this sounds cheesy), once a person can love themselves, they can let themselves be loved by someone who really values them. Otherwise, they'll settle for whatever they can get.
The way I see it--no one finishes first, and no one finishes last. Everyone feels like they're lacking something in their life, be it grades, relationships, a good family, etc. that makes them finish last in their mind. It's a neverending uphill climb... so give yourself some time and give the girls your age time to grow up and see that jerks aren't worth their time.
I think it has to do with a lot more than being nice or not. It also has to do with your interests, and chemistry.
I've always dated the a-holes. It wasn't because I liked being treated like crap, but it was because we just tended to have the same interests (cars, driving, action movies...)
Most women really do want to be with nice guys. No one likes to be treated like poo. At the same time, we can't help who we fall in love with.
I don't believe nice guys finish last at all. They come in first in my books. I was actually in a relationship with a complete a-hole when I met the nicest guy ever. It just so happened that he also had all the same interests as me, and we just, clicked. Chemistry, same interests, and nice to boot! So, long story short, I ditched the a-hole and am now with the nice guy. :)
Give it time. There is no deadline on finishing first or last. :)
Stay nice. You might not get the girls in 9th grade but you'll get plenty when you get to college... then you'll have a great career and marry a great girl and the 'jerks' who got lots of girls in high school will still be living with their moms and working for minimum wage.
Honestly I don't know why girls are attracted to bad boys... but women are not.. so hang in there!
Original Post by turnertower:
I have an analogy to share on this, which is food themed, how ironic!
Men are like bread and cake.
Bread:
Staple diet, nice and hearty but bread on it's own can sometimes get a little stale if left out, or pappy and soft in the middle. You can pep it up with a filling, make a sandwich, but the essential ingredients are quite dull and do not make for a healthy diet, nor does it jump out at you on the shelves in the supermarket.
Bread guy - he's always there, loyal, friendly, reliable, but predictable, you know the type.
On the other hand there's
Cake:
Naughty but nice! So many flavours to choose from, icing, cream, sprinkles etc.
But, too much cake can make you fat or sick...so you cant have it too often?! Yet it will always draw you in at the store with it's nice packaging ;-P
Cake guy - he doesn't call or text, keeps you waiting, mucks you around, the one's we get addicted to.
I'd just like to say I DO try not to slot people into such narrow pigeon holes, but in my experiences there's very few muffins (a happy medium between the bready products) in the world. I.E a great mix of the two! A guy who's reliable, honest, yet quirky, attractive, mix of naughty and nice, spontaneous etc.
I've had bread, got bored.
I've had cake. With one right now in fact. Pah. It's doomed! lol
Ha ha ha ha...i love your comparison here! i would rather have a piece of cake now however it will make me sick after a piece or two
but i would not get bored of a loaf of bread for the rest of my life!!!
i just hope that finding bread can be as easy as going to supermarkets.....
zmarsh, after reading your post I wondered how old you were so looked at your bio, you are younger then thought. It says you are 15yrs old. I always told my sons from the time they were little - Priorities! First - grades - that was their jobs. They both were very good students but had to study. Second - you don't have to be serious with a girl - it's okay to be their friend. Our society pushes everyone too earily. Told them only serious relationships when college was finished and you can afford a family. This is what I told them growing up. Both son are good looking and smart but would have been considered NOT cool. Well all their cool friends are on 2nd and 3 rd marriages now before 30 yrs old. Their friends had to work and hold down jobs and take care of families while going to college. My son got to enjoy college without responsibilties, they dated but nothing serious. Oldest son has just turned 30 this summer has a wife and one child and 2 degrees and a 100,000 yr job as admin. at a hosptial. Second son 28 yrs old finished college and dated alot and had a crush on girl from college that they have been friends for 5 yrs. He is an accountant. He is now getting engaged to that best friends and buying a new house. What young girls dont find attactive as teens is exactly what they want as women. Confindence, friendship, responsibilty and relible. Give yourself a break and just be you. Nice guys do come out ahead. My sons didn't miss anything fun.
Nice guys do finish last. For me, I had to get my heart broken enough times that I became totally apathetic and then I had plenty of girls that were all about me.
If you want a Dr. Phill answer or something, it probably has to do with girls subconsious needs for approval from everyone. (they want everyone to like them) So when someone doesn't obviously like them or even treats them as if they don't like them then they try to figure out how to get that person to like them.
Like the previous poster said, you can be nice, but don't be a doormat. As for getting girls, the thing I've seen work best for anyone, nice guys or jerks is to be the funnyman. If you can make the girls laugh, then you're golden.
^^^ Yes! Sense of humor is KEY.
Original Post by kisteel:
If you can make the girls laugh, then you're golden.
Ditto - but discretion has to be part of this. (No girl wants a guy cracking jokes when she's trying to have a serious discussion.)
Original Post by santonacci:
Original Post by kisteel:
If you can make the girls laugh, then you're golden.
Ditto - but discretion has to be part of this. (No girl wants a guy cracking jokes when she's trying to have a serious discussion.)
Is that why nobody around here likes me?
Original Post by trhawley:
Original Post by santonacci:
Original Post by kisteel:
If you can make the girls laugh, then you're golden.
Ditto - but discretion has to be part of this. (No girl wants a guy cracking jokes when she's trying to have a serious discussion.)
Is that why nobody around here likes me?
Yes.
I think having a sense of humor helps, but the #1 thing a guy can do for himself is learn to Be Interesting. Learn to have something to say, something to talk about, something Interesting about himself. Be it an interesting hobby, or an interesting job, or an interesting family life (pets count. Pets can be VERY Interesting. :D )
No.
Whiners that don't take any action, that don't put themself out there, that risk nothing hoping the girl of their dreams (or any girl for that matter) will come to them are the one that finish last.
Whiners don't value themself, and it shows.
It has nothing to do with being nice or not.
You have to understand why you are valuable (because if you don't understand it, you won't truly believe it) and then you have to take an active role in your life.
Good luck and stop whining.
Original Post by trhawley:
Original Post by santonacci:
Original Post by kisteel:
If you can make the girls laugh, then you're golden.
Ditto - but discretion has to be part of this. (No girl wants a guy cracking jokes when she's trying to have a serious discussion.)
Is that why nobody around here likes me?
You ask that like there's just one thing, Tom.
Seriously - sometimes my hubby falls short on that one, and it's incredibly annoying. But detecting when that humor is called for and when to put on the brakes is somewhat of an artform, and after 14 years of marriage, it's still not easy.
Original Post by ignayshus:
No.
Whiners that don't take any action, that don't put themself out there, that risk nothing hoping the girl of their dreams (or any girl for that matter) will come to them are the one that finish last.
Whiners don't value themself, and it shows.
It has nothing to do with being nice or not.
You have to understand why you are valuable (because if you don't understand it, you won't truly believe it) and then you have to take an active role in your life.
Good luck and stop whining.
Geesh! He's only 15..
Original Post by jenniferthepennifer:
Original Post by ignayshus:
No.
Whiners that don't take any action, that don't put themself out there, that risk nothing hoping the girl of their dreams (or any girl for that matter) will come to them are the one that finish last.
Whiners don't value themself, and it shows.
It has nothing to do with being nice or not.
You have to understand why you are valuable (because if you don't understand it, you won't truly believe it) and then you have to take an active role in your life.
Good luck and stop whining.
Geesh! He's only 15..
To be fair, this topic comes up quite a bit on this site... (Hence my "Here we go again")
Why sugar coat and give him crappy advice that wont work?
He's old enough to have someone talk honestly with him.
without reading everyone's comment (1, cuz im in a rush & 2, cuz i know there are some posts that i would just argue with) i dont think it has to do with niceness, really. as one of the posts that i read, its all about confidence & just stepping up.
its not that nice guys cant be confident it just seems like all the jerks usually act confident. sometimes its just a numbers game. if you go after 100 women (nothing wrong with that tho) you're bound to get a few hits & the typical jerk seems to always be on the prowl. (im generalizing here tho). but im sure if you learn to act more confident, it'll come
me, im a nice girl (well a nice person) but i've never really had any problems with guys, mostly cuz at the age of 17 i just went for them. i am shy in certain situations/people but guys im fine.
I think nice guys finish last because it's polite to let the girl finish first. In fact, if he can wait for her to finish a few times before he finishes, that's even better. Because otherwise, she's just lying there, still waiting to finish, and he's already gone to sleep.
Original Post by ignayshus:
Why sugar coat and give him crappy advice that wont work?
He's old enough to have someone talk honestly with him.
please... you can talk straight to a teenager, but he's still a teenager. & its their right to whine (so as a teenager he is not really a whiner, when he gets to be your age maybe then 
) with all that they have to go through...frontal lobe development (thus reasoning), hormones, uncomfortable social situations, parents.
zmarsh, things will get easier. just start acting confident & it'll follow.
Want to be a leader?Start your own group!
