Nice things to say to hubby.

My husband is stressed about his job.  He comes home, and you can tell he just doesn't feel "good".  I would like to have somthing nice to say to him, besides the Donna Reed type "Hi, honey," with a big smile and a smooch.  "Thanks for going to work," while true, seems lame.

He is a programmer.  I don't know anything about it.  But he needs to hear something positive, and I don't know what to tell him.  I have tried to thank him for things like putting the kids to bed, but other than that, I just don't know.

Does anyone have any ideas?

He would probably love to hear how much you appreciate what he does (working for the family, dealing with the daily stress, etc.) and you're proud of how hard he's been working.  Tell him he'll get through this rough spot and will come out better because of it.

Then get him a beer :)

Maybe instead of struggling with the work thing, you could say stuff like "I was thinking about you this afternoon and I was so excited for you to come home."

"I like your voice.  It's awesome how you look after the family and work so hard, but I wish we were rich so we could spend the days just talking."

They sound kinda lame, but my hubby really likes it.  He also likes the same questions I ask the kids - he just doesn't realize they're the same.

"Hey, what was the most interesting thing you did today?"  "What was your favorite part? How come that was cool?" (works really good if you dunno what the heck he's talking about).

Maybe that'll help - my hubby is a plumber/gas fitter and I don't know half of what he talks about, so I go that way instead.

You love him.

You support him.

You admire him.

You are grateful to him.

You need him.

All things men like to hear.

Maybe you could make him a favorite meal or dessert.  When serving it, tell him it's just because he works hard and wanted to do something nice for him.

All great suggestions so far.  The other day my DH was feeling down and I grabbed his hand and asked him to come sit by me (on the couch) and tell me about it.  He did.  Later that evening he told me how much that meant to him and how he felt so much better afterward.

BJ's work, too. 

I'm a programmer too, it's hard to explain the stresses of our profession to outsiders. The common conception is that we sit at a desk, typing, and that's it. There's actually a lot of design and planning that goes into the work, but explaining the nuances often gets that glassy-eyed look from the victim of our diatribe.

It gets to a point where you just say, "I work with computers." hoping that that is enough. But of course, someone says, "So does the cashier at the grocery store, what do you do?" Then you say something like, "I program this software that allows insurance companies to process their customers faster, and it saves them several million a year. Of course, they don't pass that savings on to the subscribers." And then they get bored.

It can be quite demotivating to feel that your job isn't really valuable to society, especially when it makes your friends fall asleep when you try to describe it.

If he's stressed about his job, then he probably doesn't want to talk/ think too much about work when he gets home.  But you could do a lot to reduce his stress while he's at work by letting him know that by going to work, he's providing for his family, and that you are all waiting for him to get home. Of course this is common sense, and he knows this, but it's how it's presented that makes the difference.

One thing you can do is have a stress relieving activity planned for when he gets home. You two could take the kids for a walk, or if they're too young to walk with you, have a neighbor watch them, and go for a brisk walk. Excercise is a great way to relieve some stress, and releasing endorphins together is a great bonding experience.

Do you know what his schedule is like during his work day? Does he go out to lunch, or does he eat in his office? If he eats in, you could put a non-sappy love note in his lunch, or make a special lunch for him once a week. Make it on Monday or Tuesday, so he can look forward to that, at least, at the beginning of a work week. If he doesn't work too far away from you, you could bring the kids to see him at work, or bring him a lunch.

You can send him an email while he's at work saying how glad you are that he's providing for your family, and that he will be home at whatever time he gets home. There's a fine line to walk here. You don't want it to sound like you're glad he's not at home, and you don't want to make him hate going to work. Does his company show up in the news? If it does, tell him when you see/ hear about it, if it's good coverage. Tell your friends about it. If you have company, tell them about something that he's worked on, give him rewards for meeting deadlines.

Often near the end of a project, it's not uncommon for a programmer to have to make a final "push" to make a deadline. When this happens, plan a special dinner for him for the end of the push.

If you have a digital camera, take pics of the kids during the day when they do particularly precocious things. Let him know that if you were both working, that moment would have been lost, and that you are grateful to him to enable you to stay home to take care of the kids, and to witness and capture these events, to share with him.

Keeping the house orderly is another way to show you are thankful. By keeping the house orderly, it shows that you are a team, doing separate tasks, but working together towards the same goal. Kids will make messes, and toys are going to get scattered about, but keeping it somewhat in check means a lot.

"He comes home, and you can tell he just doesn't feel "good".  I would like to have somthing nice to say to him, besides the Donna Reed type "Hi, honey," with a big smile and a smooch.  "Thanks for going to work," while true, seems lame.

He is a programmer.  I don't know anything about it.  But he needs to hear something positive, and I don't know what to tell him.  I have tried to thank him for things like putting the kids to bed, but other than that, I just don't know."

Here's a try:

When you come home, I can tell you're not feeling great.  I want to be able to say something nice to you, but I find myself getting caught up in not wanting it to sound cliche or insincere, like something Donna Reed would say.  I know I don't know much about your job, and probably can't begin to understand the kind of stress you're under.  But I do see the stress on your face when you come home and I want to be able to help.  I've tried thanking you for how much you contribute and doing things to make your time at home easier, like putting the kids to bed.  But I'm not sure that's what you want or need, and I wanted to ask you if there was something I could be doing to support you here.

Thanks everybody - these are really good ideas.

I just sent him an e-mail that just said "I love you," and he wrote back "thank you."  I will try to do something like that more frequently.  I really haven't been doing it enough.

I am trying to make home a nice place for him to come to and relax.  The kids are 3 and 5, and I've never had good housekeeping habits, so sometimes it is hard, but I am working on it.

What a good wife you are!  I'm sure your husband knows it too.  You make me smile - thanks! 

Instead of talking about the job, why not try to take his mind off the job once he's at home? Find out if there's anything he'd like to do or any way you can help him relax. A nice massage, maybe initiate something more sexual? Someone here mentioned a BJ, if he's "up" for it, why not? 

I dunno Ruxie, you give all these bj's, you might end up with TMJ.

Maybe you should put nakked pics lovenotes in his lunch, coat pockets, etc.

Um.  I have a canker sore...

But the naked pics are easy.  Who wants to be the photographer?

I'll do it!  Wanna see my zoom lens?

*would be a better joke if I was a guy*

OK.  My kids are too busy poking and laughing if they see me naked to take a picture. 

I know it's hard to see your partner stressed when he comes home, and that may make you feel down. But try being cheerful, funny, playful, etc. If he doesn't want to play or isn't in the mood to laugh, you'll know right away.

Also, do your kids greet your husband when he comes home? If not, around the time your husband usually comes home, have your kids around the door where your husband comes home, then have them greet him with squeals, hugs, and kisses!

Or tell your kids, "Why don't you ask your dad to play soccer/a game/etc. with you when he gets home?" Or I think he would love to sit down to a movie or play a board game with you and the kids.

Have the kids make cards on construction paper or color pictures for him.  You can put them on his pillow, next to his dinner plate, or stash them in his lunch box for the next day.  Little things like that make my husband smile.  When he smoked, I used to write with red ink on each cigarette.  I would write corny messages like, "I <3 U.  Don't light this."  "I don't want you to die."  He eventually quit because of it.  I imagine you could use the same method to let him know you are thinking of him.  Even if you don't pack his lunch, you can sneak a napkin in with a heart drawn on it or a coloring page from the kids.  If he buys lunch, stick it on the steering wheel of the car.  That will start his morning off right.  Find something he really appreciates and run with it.  I found out my hubby likes a certain shaving cream but won't buy it because it's expensive.  Every once in a while, I'll buy it and replace his stuff with it.  Little things always add up to big smiles.

My husband is a programmer too, he once said that the nice's thing i do for  him when he  comes home is to let him have a cup of coffee and 10 minutes peace, before the kids jumped on him!

Also a hug & a kiss says more than words!