Is It Normal To Feel This Way After A Break Up?

My boyfriend of 4months broke up with me on Friday, because although he loved me and I made him happy, it just wasn't right for him, and the relationship didn't make him happy. That was the only reason he gave, and I have to accept it although I still can't equate love and happiness with not working. I will one day hopefully.

Yesterday, I was feeling great... woke up, was busy all morning, and went to the beach and bumped into a couple of friends. He decided it's best not to 'talk' that day and we agreed to give it a couple of weeks before talking. Except I don't want to talk, I've said all I needed to and now I just want to let go and move on. We were very close, I really like him and want us to be friends. Can friendship actually work, when you've had so much more?

He is a great guy, and I was so in love with him. He changed my life, and made everything exciting, made me feel like I could just be me. He always said I was awesome and perfect and made me feel special, made me believe in myself. I totally felt that he was the one that I wanted to marry and all the rest. I've never felt this way before and I wanted to keep it and make it work, although being in a relationship was quite stressful with trying to make time from our separate lives. Maybe that was it? I dunno.

This morning, it really got me. I feel like a huge part of me has died, and I just want to die with it. I feel like I'm grieving... I miss him so very much! I never felt like this before, even after my marriage broke up, (probably because I did the breaking up) and it scares me. How much more hurt can you get? I've become an exercise junkie lol as I know going to the gym makes me feel better, so I've been going everyday. But after, I feel so awful, that I just take long drives. Which in turn is meaning less time to be with my daughter, or focus on my degree.

I know I need to let myself hurt before getting better, but I want to take steps to make things better now.  But I just don't know how to get closure.

Any advice would be greatfully accepted. Thank you.

You already have a post for this.

My last post was more leaning towards trying to understand what happened...

This one is about how I'm feeling now, and wanting tips/advice on how to move forward and let go.

But thank you.

Apparently they can't be combined? Superfluous. 

Yes, it is normal, and yes, it will pass in time.

Try to keep doing as much "normal" stuff as you can - make sure you see your friends and not just to talk about your breakup but to do fun things together. Force yourself not to talk about your ex when you are doing those fun things-  set aside maybe an hour or two each day to wallow if you must, either alone or with someone who has signed up to hear all about it. Make sure to keep up with your schoolwork too. And of course your daughter - take her with you on one of your long drives, maybe! (and make sure that you're driving safely despite being upset). She might relish the time to be with her mom and talk about her own life too. (Don't talk her ear off about your pain, though, that isn't appropriate)

Keep up the exercising and eating right and try to get enough sleep. Stay socially active and distract yourself as much as possible.

I remember being down for three whole months after one breakup, I think it was almost a depressive episode, crying every day etc... and then with time and staying "out there" in the world I started feeling better, then met a wonderful rebound boy and that also went a long way towards helping me heal (the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else, or in a more polite sense the best cure for old heartbreak is new heartbreak).

Do NOT:

-isolate yourself

-blame yourself for the breakup or let it affect your self-esteem: clearly this wasn't because there was some deficiency in you, it was a compatibility issue pure and simple. (Namely, he is a jerk who doesn't make any sense at all in his explanations of things, and you are not.)

-wallow too much - this is counterintuitive because your instinct is to "talk it out" endlessly with people, but that will just alienate your friends. Make sure that if you do have coffee with someone you trust because you want to talk about it, that you ask them in advance if they are OK with that and if not, you talk about regular stuff instead, and don't resent them if they can't always do the emotional work of helping you vent - it takes energy for them to be empathic and supportive and respond correctly!

Best of luck sweetigem. I daresay most of us have been there and have eventually seen the end of it, come back up into the light to breathe, as it were (right now it sort of feels like drowning in the dark, if I recall correctly). In retrospect the kindest thing that that guy ever did for me was break up with me, otherwise I would have married him and been insecure and unloved all my life. (He claimed he loved me but in hindsight it was clear that he had no idea what that meant, and no ability to provide it.)

Come on, guys, be nice. She needs to get it out and tell her story and seek support right now. Before calling it superfluous or whatever, remember what it's like to feel this way.

Also, the last thread was "how can I convince him not to break up with me" whereas this post is "wow this hurts so bad, how can I get over this breakup" meaning there has already been some progress -  the denial, anger and bargaining phases are done with. (Check out the stages of grief for more on this).

Hi. To answer your question, what you are feeling is normal. It does feel like someone died after a relationship ends, and it can really take a while to feel better.

Several years ago, the guy that I thought I wanted to marry broke up with me without much of a reason--he loved me but it just wasn't the right time for him, he said. I think the hard part at first was acceptance. I kept asking myself questions--why, when he was so perfect for me and we were happy together, didn't it last? Looking back, it was hard to accept that he didn't feel the same way about me as I felt about him. I kept telling myself that he was so perfect for me and he was who I wanted to spend my life with, but I had to accept that he WASN'T so perfect after all because he didn't love me as much as I loved him. And that's really hard to take because it's a rejection, but you know what? Everybody who puts themselves out there gets rejected at one point or another. Finding such a perfect match that you're ready to spend the rest of your life with someone is so rare. So if you weren't the perfect match for him, don't feel so bad because odds are against you, if you see what I mean. Most relationships don't work, and you just have to keep searching. Dating is tons of trial and error because most matches are not going to work for one person or the other. And if you're the one that gets hurt this time, try to brush it off, but do understand and respect the fact that he didn't feel you were right for him. I spent needless months thinking 'We were so happy together, I know we're going to get back together.' Um, no, because he meant what he said--it really wasn't the right time for him. He ended up going back to grad school in another state and all these years later he still isn't married and not even sure he's in a relationship, while I'm in a serious one. We stay in touch through facebook, but it seemed too hard to be close friends.

In the meantime, there's nothing to do but grieve and follow all the usual advice--spend time with friends and family. You just have to get through it and come out stronger, and I'm sure you can. :)

Hm. It's okay. Everyone deals with things differently in life. The way one person deals may not work for someone else.  It won't work as a relationship or friendship if you try to enforce one. I strongly suggest that you take two steps back in this regard too. It's too clingy/invasive to push people. lt'll only bring resent back to you,imo. Not him. There won't be any progress if it's by attempted force by you. Let time take it's course.

 Sometimes friendships remain there between couples. It depends on the people in question. All you can do is leave the bridge of friendship open to you. That's it. Find closure within yourself not through him. This is the time to lean on your friends and make new ones. Focus on being mommy to your daughter. It's important to understand children are watching us and learning. It starts at a young age and continues. The impact of your role and the way you handle yourself will affect her. You need to call on the stronger woman inside there. For your own sake and your daughters.

It's important to to teach her the end of a relationship... is not the end of life. On the bright side: This will free up a lot of your time. I suggest that you focused it elsewhere. Focus on your degree which will secure your future. Focus on you to secure your future for you and your daughter. There are so many areas that you need to invest time in with her. It's possible the lack of him will be a delight. ( Not to you... But.. ) It may be one to your friends, family, and your daughter though. The reason: They'll be able to receive so much more time with you. Focus on the good things in your life right now. There are other huge parts of your life that are of more significance. It was a short lived relationship that wasn't in your best interest. Feel lucky! Lucky girl.  You knew after four months of time rather than investing years,ect. You didn't waste more time on a man that didn't know how wonderful you are/ or want/need you like you did him. It's fantastic that you learnt things weren't mutual now. Think of all the time you would've wasted....Instead of using that time to invest in your daughter, family, friends, and degree. You saved yourself time and far more heartache. Remember: It saved your daughter the heartache of growing attached too. Attached to someone that wasn't going to stick around. Every little thing you do somehow affects your child. This is going to sound harsh but show her that stronger woman in mommy. :) That way she isn't falling to pieces every time a four month relationship goes down the drain.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4KUN9mVCkkY

^ This song might help. :)

diary writing or journaling can really help

oh god please spend this time with your daughter ! relish in her love for you !!! this time with her/ while shes young you can never get back !! focus on her !! don't make the mistakes i did and put a stupid man before this precious gift your flesh and blood  your child gives unconditional love!!! this is wear its at!! you ll look back and think I GAVE UP TIME WITH MY DAUGHTER TO MOON OVER  HIM!no no no live life in the present with her play hard love and be marry shell be grown and gone and that's really some thing you ll mourn if you don't pay close attention! i know it hurts and we all want some one to share our lives with but its just not him some one out their is way better for you and your daughter ....good luck and god bless please don't take offense I'm just a stranger coming at it from my perspective and the mistakes iv made