Note to Cat

Dear Cat,

I know you love me and want to be with me and cherish your every moment with me. HOWEVER... you are big and you are heavy and you take up all my leg space on the bed. That is why you got kicked out last night. I know that hurt your feelings and I am sorry, however it was that or continue to argue with you as I tried to sleep. Daddy NEEDS sleep so he can go in and work and buy you kitty kibble.

Please forgive me,

Your willing slave,
HK

Anyone else have any notes they want to send their cats?

Dear Cat:  Let's get something straight.  YOU ARE A CAT!  You are not a human.   I know you understand me when I talk, but that's because you are a smart CAT.  I am not your wife.  It is not my job to wait on you hand and foot.  I work for a living.  You lay around in the sun coming through the windows.  I buy groceries.  You bring the occasional mouse (still live) and drop it at my feet once in a while.   That recliner in the living room - that's MY chair, not yours.  When I finally get to sit down at night and enjoy a good read or program, it is NOT my job to make room in the chair to sit down.  It is YOUR job to get out of my way.   I don't mind the occasional having your friends over but I can't feed the whole neighborhood... Stop telling everyone that I put on a good kitty buffet.   Hopefully we can work this out.  AND, last but not least, when I'm in the bathroom, stop scratching at the door.  Use your own bathroom.  Love - Your Human.

Dear Kitteh,

Having been born into a family of willing cat slaves owners, I am fully aware of your status as the resident Superior Being.  This does not mean, however, that I will ever be able to comprehend your language.

Yes, I'm sorry, I am ignorant.  Unfortunately for you, I don't understand you when you look up at me with your luminous eyes and speak.  I also don't understand you when you repeat yourself.  And then repeat yourself again.

And again and again and again and again.  I don't understand you when you change your tone, when you try to say it in a different way, when you follow me around the house and carry on a conversation.  I certainly don't understand you at three o'clock in the morning when you perch on my shoulder and meow in my ear.

I have given you food, your litterbox is clean, you have your choice of anywhere in the house to sleep.  I'm sorry, but I cannot help you beyond that.

Yes, I know, they didn't give you much to work with at the Humane Society when they sent you home with me.  But you try.  Perhaps someday, I'll stop being so dumb.

Loves and kisses,
-Hairless Monkeywoman who feeds you

Dear Whiskey and Vodka,

Stop darting under my feet when I'm walking while you're in heat.  I'm getting sick of falling over into a wall.

Thanks,

Moly.

Dear Neitzche:

I really loved you.  Seeing you sitting by the front door waiting on me to get home touched my heart.  Why did you leave me and never write?  If  you were catnapped, I never received the ransom note or I would have paid.

mom

Dear Doobie,

My sweet boy that has been with me for 14 yrs.  I am sorry that I brought home another kitty after your brother passed. I thought you were lonely.  I thought you would put him in his place when he was little.

I know he picks on you but I've fallen in love with him and can't take him back.

Please accept my deepest appologies.

Mommy

PS - please don't eat me if I die in the house alone.

Dear Roommate's Cat,

Yes, from time to time I will pet you.  And yes, I will buy you a toy and play with you when the mood strikes me.  But your dander causes me to have leaky eyes and runny nose.  And your claws are sharp yet my boobies are tender.  And for this reason, I will never, NEVER, leave my door open allowing you access to my bedroom.  Also I will never, NEVER, open the door and let you in when you claw at my door at 1 am.  The sooner you accept this, the happier everyone will be.

Yours sincerely,

Not-your-human

Dear Kitty,

I felt so bad when I saw you shivering under the deck last week.  So I brought you in, brushed all the burrs from your fur, gave you big heaping bowls of food and water, and a good scratch on the head a few times daily.  Your big brother patiently put up with you stealing food from under his nose and even usurping his spot on the bed next to my ankles.

How did you thank us?  You gave birth to 3 adorable kittens IN MY BED.  On the brand new comforter I received for Christmas!  But I'm so excited that the vet gave you and your babies a clean bill of health.  One of your babies even looks exactly like you, and seems to be just as pushy.  And Mr. Vet says he's looking forward to seeing you again in a few weeks to give you a "minor adjustment" so we have no more happy accidents.

Love,
Mom

Dear Quinn,

I am sorry to have to inform you that you will be going on a diet. You weigh 13 pounds now When you lay on my leg at night it feels like you are gonna break it. I know you are a piggy but you can get through this. This is nor my fault or idea. The evil guy we call the Vet is forcing me. I didn't want to do this. Please forgive me and don't do anything to me while I'm asleep.

Dear Oliver,

Please stop sleeping on my pillow. When I get up ten times a night and throw you off the bed. I do not consider that a game. Eventually I will ban you from the bedroom.

Love you

Your Human Slave

Dear Ghost

  I love you so much. Please stop trying to kill Bob. I know you hate him, you have made it clear, but why can't you just leave him alone for 5 minutes. You are my one and only girl and we are only cat sitting bob. I can't give him back with out his head now can I? Just avoid him. PLEASE. 

Original Post by kimne:

Dear Doobie,

My sweet boy that has been with me for 14 yrs. I am sorry that I brought home another kitty after your brother passed. I thought you were lonely. I thought you would put him in his place when he was little.

I know he picks on you but I've fallen in love with him and can't take him back.

Please accept my deepest appologies.

Mommy

PS - please don't eat me if I die in the house alone.

 Brilliant

Dear Maverick,

Please stop being bi-polar.  You are the sweetest, most loving cat half the time and the a huge bastard the other half.  We have no idea what causes these mood swings, especially when you are lovingly purring in my arms and then swipe at my face and growl and jump out of my arms!

Also, please stop being so smart!  I understand that you have learned how to open our doors to let yourself out.  Occasionally us forgetful humans forget to lock the basement door and when you open it at 3am, it sets off the house alarm.  I know you want to go in and out at your will, but you are a cat, deal with it!

Your loving servent,

*Abbs*

Dear Mins,

Please speak up if you've chosen to rest under the bath before I'm half-way through a shower and have to let you out of the bathroom because you're drenched in water and not happy about it. Its nobody's fault but your own.

Thanks.

Dear Battle Cat,

I picked you out from the mspca because you latched your claws onto my mother and my sister as they walked by your crate, which I thought was funny. You purred when I pet you. Now you treat us all the same. This was false advertising.

My legs are not scratching posts and my nose is not edible. I'm sorry that I do not allow you to sleep in my room at night. If you would just stop attacking me everytime I moved, you could stay.

Thank you for killing or scaring off all the wild life in the area. The birds and the squirrels weren't that nice to look at anyway.

The dog would like to remind you that he needs his eyes to see and if you gouge them out, the fight for supremacy of the house just won't be fair anymore. He also asks that you stop eating his food before he can get to it because he's a lot bigger than you and he needs it to survive. You've got your own food you know.

Love,
Your Scratching Post

Dear Mischa (aka Fluffy McNoNuts),

 You are the sweetest ball of fluff and lard I've ever had the pleasure of sharing a house with. You are my boyfriend's brother's cat, but you are basically the house cat. I love that you rub my legs when I get home, and that you sit waiting for me at the door until I do get home. You seem to know precisely what time of day I'm getting home every night, no matter if it's 5:45 or 7:30pm. There you are, waiting, oh so cutely. I love that you are the softest pillow ever, and that you pure so loudly (only for me it seems!).

However. I'm tired of tripping over you when you hide in the doorway in the morning. I'm also sick of you opening the bathroom door when I'm in there. Uh, hello, privacy? And, I think the worst of all is when you barge in after my morning shower, letting in the COLD air from the other room, then flop your tubby butt down in front of me, lounging out across my feet so that I can't even move without falling down. Oh, and the LAYERING of cat hair across my wet legs? That's just fantastic, thank you so much.

I love you Misch-man but you are a true 18 pound pain in the rear sometimes.
I suppose you make up for it by being so damned adorable.

<3 always,

that girl you pester/snuggle 

p.s. I'll sit on you the next time you don't move out of my chair, fluffy butt. 

Dear Axl,
Please stop pooping outside of my bedroom door every time I lock you out.  I know you get angry because you think it's your room, but occasionally mommy needs to be able to sleep without you pouncing on her feet every five minutes.  You know I love you, and I'll let you back in in the morning.  So please, please stop with the poo.  Mommy can't see it on the brown carpet first thing in the morning when her contacts aren't in, and it makes for an unpleasant morning for both of us (as I'm sure you don't love being cursed out any more than I enjoy stepping in your little poo pile).

Dear Luca,
I know Axl annoys you.  I'm sorry.  I know you were here first.  But I couldn't leave her where I found her behind the KFC; she was too tiny!  She wouldn't have survived!  I know she eats all the food before you get to the bowl, and pounces on your tail when you try to use the little box.  I know she tries to force you out of the sunshine patch on the floor and destroys all the fun toys.  But I'm sure it's all a kitten thing.  She'll be full grown before you know it.  Until then, just hang in there, honey. 

Love, Mommy :-)

These are all truly hilarious.

So true

Dear Binx-

You are almost 14 and ailing. I know the time is drawing near when you will leave me, so I'm going to relish each moment with you, even when I must pick poo from your backside.  Thank you for so many good years and so many lovely memories.  Thank for for being the "bestest" kitty EVER!

Dear Milo and Snickers-

You make me laugh with your antics, but please stop picking on Binx.  She is old and doesn't want to play.  And whoever pooped in my shoes is in BIG trouble when I find out who did it!  Also, no matter how hard you try, you will never, ever be able to chase the bugs up the wall.  Plus they can fly and you cannot.  Please stop scratching the freshly painted walls by trying.

Love you all to bits-

Mommy

Dear Cat,

Stop using your crap as a weapon. I'm sick of finding poo when you're upset about the smallest transgression. I don't poo where you sleep when I'm mad at you, although I might start.

Also, you're lucky you're so cute.

Dexter,

I swear to God if you don't stop peeing in my laundry basket I am going to make mittens from your hide.  The box isn't that dirty and Tigger is fine with it.  And speaking of Tigger, leave him alone!  He is old and fat and does not want to be bothered by you.  Be thankful you are my daughters favorite.

Stefanie