22 year old college grad still dealing w/eating disoders...need a friend who understands!

I would overall consider myself a healthy weight, I'm 5'4 and weigh 120...sounds like I don't have a problem, but food and weight consumes my life. My senior year of college (last year), I decided to lose some weight...I weighed about 125 and wanted to lose about 5-7 pounds where I used to be at. I lost the weight quickly, but just kept going...within a few months I ended up losing 20 pounds, weighing around 105-106. I realized I had become obsessed and had a problem because I still wanted to lose more weight. I was a stick and had a totally different body. I really liked it at first until I realized the great lengths I would go to be that weight. I wouldn't eat all day then have a snack for dinner...and run on calorie free energy drinks during the day. I was literally killing myself. By the time I got back from class, I was so lightheaded and weak that the wind could have knocked me over. But I said to myself, it's worht it....i was crazy. Then one night I was so hungery I had a late nite snack. This soon turned into a full out binge every night. Then binging and starving was my life. Now a year later I gained 15 pounds back and now have a full out binge eating disorder. And I just graduated from college and I'm living at home. I don't know how to lose the weight healthily. I can't just go back to my apartment at school and stave myself when no one is around. It's sad though because after all I went through, if I was going back to school this year, I do the exact same thing to lose weight. I'm obsessed with being a size that I will never be...in the mean time I'm obsessed with food...binge and starve, binge and starve. I'm really just looking for someone around my age that has similar food issues as I do...just to talk,offer advice, and maybe help each other out. I'm so sick of talkiing to people about this that don't understand and haven't expereinced these issues that consume ur life! I know someone is out there...help!

Hi hunny.I really feel for you.I am in the exact same situation but have now decided to try lose weight the healthy way.I found that eating very low calories for a couple days would only make me end up binging.I'm also in the binge starve mode.I know I should not try to lose weight as I am right now-I'm 5'7,121 lbs,but I am not completely cured.I still have it in my head that i wanna at least get to 115 just to be realistic.But I want to go about in a different way,hopefully in the process I'll get myself out of this way of thinking.Instead of starving for three days then binging for three days I'm going to force myself to eat at least 1200 cals a day.At least in this way I can create a routine and not cause my body to fly out of whack with the binging then starving.Another thing i find extremely important is exersize.I feel that if i get some reasonably moderate excersize in at least three times a week,i dont feel so bad about wat i'm eating.So if you need to talk about anything or want to try do this the healthy way with me,just let me know. I know exactly how you feel-just because we are a normal weight and dont look anorexic or anything,doesnt mean we arent suffering mentally.Sad to say it consumes my life and thoughts too.So if you wanna talk let me know.(I'm also 22 by the way)

Thanks for your thoughtful reply! That's great that you are dealing with your issues in a healthy way or at least made an attempt at it. I would love to attempt this to in a healthier way too. I go so far out of my way to restrict then binge, and I am gaining weight...obvisously something isn't working...shows its not even worth it. The only way I know how to lose weight is simply restricting and not eating right. I have actually joined a gym recently and have been working out nearly every day, which is definately helping me let it all out and get my mind off all this eating/weight crap...

Today is the day I officially tried to lose weight again...and sure enough I end up going back to my old ways. For breakest I had some dry Go Lean kashi cereal out of the box (still too afraid to put in a bowl with milk like normal...like I used to do) and some fruit at like 9 am. Then didn't eat anything at all unti 11 pm...I ended up at a gas station on the way back from something and bought some chips and cheese its to binge on then came home and ate some more crap....which totally defeated my original purpose to lose weight....its so ridiculous. ...and I say I'm trying. Do you have any bad habits like this still? i feel like for me its never ending....

I'm going back to IU for a few days tomorrow and I know I'm just going to restrict all day then binge at night...I can't get out of this....no matter what I'm always trying to lose weight...always compensating. How long have you been dealing with food/weight issues? Do you still binge very often?

I really do wanna try to recover and be able to lose weight healthily, so I'd be willing to try with you. ....sorry this was so long it's just great to find someone that understands!

It's amazing how much your story rings true! I want to so badly not to be locked into a binge-purge-restrict cycle but I can't seem to find a medium.  Often when I try and eat 'normally' my ED tells me "f**k it" uv already messed up now so just carry on - then I'll eat till I physically can't stop.  And then I can't deal with it and I know if I throw up I'll just feel that little bit better.  And it's so gross! I didn't suffer from EDs in my teens and now I don't see why i have to in my twenties (22 now).  And i've gained 7lb or so and I pretend to be happy but I know deep down that i'm so uneasy and if left to my own devices the weight would probably slip off.  And b/c i fear the binges so much I barely eat all day so i have 'leeway' - even though i know that's half the problem.  AH the vicious circle.  Sorry i don't have any tips or anything, but just wanted to offer my support! If you ever want anyone to talk to about it.... I missed my final year (university) exams in  June b/c i was getting too sick and now I am sitting them in a week or two.  Stress def. makes the ed worse.  All these tips about when u feel like u may binge, get out the house etc.  When you're stuck cramming how can u do that.  Argh! All the best to you x

Thanks for the support! Yes it is very stressful...everyday it's like constant stress...what I'm not going to eat, obsessing over weight,binging, being mad about my last binge....ughhh. I even lie to my parents about going "out to dinner" when I'm really doing something else just so I don't have to eat dinner(eat in general) at home. It's just getting so old. I'm sorry you had to miss your final year of school...that must have been difficult with all your eating issues on top of it. I didn't have to leave school, but I did have to drop a class because I was so depressed from all my eating disoders last semester...sucked! But hang in there! Hope you have a better eating day...my new thing is taking one day at time and try not to beat myself up over last nights binge...it's hard not to dwell on it, but it really does help to start over each day... thanks again for the reply, feel free to reply whenever you feel like it...this website is addicting!

What happened yesterday that you ate nothing between breakfast and 11 pm?  Were you busy or was it more of a conscious thing?  Figuring out why/how you don't eat is the first step.

Think of it this way: would you treat a pet this way -- not feeding (or watering) it?  No!  And you're a human being, so eating and drinking when you need it isn't being bad, it's taking care of yourself!

That said, I'm addicting to weighing my food before and sometimes after I eat.  Like today, I had a pasty (savory turnover) but didn't eat the crust so I subtracted the weight of the leftover crust from the weight of the entire pasty.  Yeah, I'm obsessed too.

That sounds like something I would do...I don't eat the crust of anything. I convinced myself that crust and bread will pretty much kill me...and I used to love bread. Well I guess I still do, I just convinced myself I don't like it anymore.

I didn't eat the other day because I was so mad at myself for binging the night before...was a way of punishing myself i guess and I was made plans with some friends I haven't seen in a while...I wanted to look thinner....even though they could care less. I'm also trying to lose weight. So I guess those are the reasons why...sounds completely ridiculous and irrational, but I guess it is what it is. No matter what I'm trying to lose weight...obsessed is right.

Do you have any binge issues too? Everyday I wake up so disgusted with myself from binging...it's almost 3 pm and I'm still mad about my binge last nite...I need to get a grip!

i never had a binge eating disorder but i did develop an unhealthy obsession and dissatisfaction with my body in my early 20's.  i restricted what i was eating, beat myself up mentally, and over exercised, resulting in losing my period and feeling hungry and guilty.

it's going to sound scary but trust yourself and your body to give up some of your mental anxiety and need to feel "in control".  don't think about the scale or weight for a while.  concentrate on eating as much HEALTHY food as you want.  research some of your favorite junk binge foods and remind yourself what kinds of ingredients you really are putting in your body and how the food was manufactured.  concentrate on nurishment and how your BODY feels opposed to how your mind, or emotions feel when eating.

as soon as i focused on conditioning myself to eat healthier and forget about the scale, i got my period back, have kept it and have been maintaining the all time lowest weight of my life for years.  it didn't happen overnight, i gained 5 pounds back intially and then lost probably less than 5 pounds a year after that.  the most important thing for me is, that i feel good about what i eat, and i feel satisfied with my health and therefore my body.

be willing to be satisfied with whatever your natural healthy weight is and then decide to concentrate on nourishing yourself to be the healthiest you can be, rather then the "thinnest".  now i just need to get off my butt and incorperate exercise again...

Thanks for the replies! I haven't binged for 3 nights in a row!! ..which hasn't happened in over 7 months. What's really helped is simply getting out of the kitchen at my usual binge times and going upstairs in my room until I'm ready to go to bed. I'm also in such a better mood the next day when I get up and I feel like I deserve to have a good breakfast. Simply feeling better about myself is motivation for me to keep on doing it. The real test will be when I go out this weekend and come home and not try to binge. But I think I can do it...finally some motivation!