how old were you when you 'lost it'

My question to guys is: at what age do you think it's okay to go all the way with someone?  Also, (if the answer is different) how old were you when it happened?

I'm 18, six monthes out of highschool, and haven't got any farther  with a guy than kissing.   My parents have always had a really strict 'marriage first' stance, and so in high school, I was pretty much kept close to home. The guy that I was seeing just had to handle it...

I've been on two dates with this guy that I REALLY like from work, and I do feel ready... but I've been avoiding it because frankly, I'm terrifed.  There's no doubt in my mind he'll be vastly more experienced then I (everyone is), and I've built it up to be this huge deal, which makes it extremely intimidating.

All responses VERY appreciated.  Thanks guys. :)

EDIT:  Sorry, when I said 'guys' I meant everyone, females too.

I came from a very religious family as well that even gave me a promise ring to hold onto my virginity until I was married. I thought it was a good idea at the time, until I met my first love.

I dated him for almost a year and a half, and I believe there is a "right" time for everyone. I happened to be 18 as well. I didn't feel ashamed or like I had done something wrong. I loved him. Make sure you are ready to go to that level with someone that is special to you and will be understanding.

Do you think you are emotionally capable of taking this step? A flood of emotions comes over you when you are with someone that intimately, especially for your first time.

If you've only been on two dates, I would say to wait.

People have different opinions on whether or not your first time is a big deal, but I personally think it should be.  I know you really like this guy, but can you imagine spending the rest of your life with him?  (After only two dates, I hope not.)

Just remember that someday, with this guy or someone else, you are going to want to spend the rest of your life with someone.  At that point, if you've already "lost it", you're going to wish you hadn't, because you'll want to have no memories like that unless they're associated with that one person.

I know you said "guys" but I wanted to respond to this one. Don't "lose it" just because you think you are old enough and everyone else has so you should too. I am not a believer of the waiting until marriage thing. But I do think you should wait until you are mature enough and in a serious committed relationship. Sex is a big deal and can come with strong consequences. It is not something to just jump into. Wait until you find someone you trust and you know that it's right. First find someone that loves to be around you and loves you for you. I think putting out after just a couple dates also gives a bit of a negative impression on your part. You may see differently but the fact that you are terrified means you probably shouldn't do it quite yet as well. If you aren't comfortable with something don't do it.

well, i'm a girl, but i was 20! not for religious reasons, or lack of opportunity, but just because i wanted to wait.

if you've only been on two dates with this guy, i'd say you should wait! i think you also need to tell him your "status" before anything further happens. and don't do it in the heat of the moment either, but sometime when you are just hanging out. if you don't feel comfortable talking to him about it, then that's your proof that you aren't ready. when you do tell him, see what his reaction is. if he seems really cool about it, and puts no pressure on you, that's a good sign. if you feel like hes in a rush, bad bad sign.

he probably will be more experienced, but that's ok! if he knows ahead of time that you aren't, and he is a good guy, he'll do whatever he can to make you comfortable. if you do decide to go for it, remember you can change your mind at ANY time. you're gonna remember it and him forever, so you want it to be a good memory! he'll be one lucky guy if you pick him to be your first, and if it doesn't seem like he realizes that, don't bother with him!  

There's no "right age" to lose it... you'll know when the time is right. It's normal to be anxious or nervous about it, but you shouldn't be terrified.

Keep in mind that there are a **** of consequences too you gotta watch out for (i.e. getting pregnant - condoms break, pills aren't 100% effective unless you take them exactly as specified, STDs - there are soooo many of them that you can get even if you use a condom, like HPV/warts... )... think about it! Make sure he's been tested. Don't be embarassed to ask him.

Guys perspective:

 

WAIT. If you are terrified, for god sakes wait till you are ready. And no, not everyone is more experienced. There are plenty of people your age still waiting for their first. Hell I am 32 and have only had two partners my whole life and I like it that way. 

I'll tell you what I tell my teen daughters. I guess I'm practical, because I don't expect them to remain virgins until marriage. Because I'd rather see them hold off pretty long for marriage, at least until they are through college, if not as long as it takes to start a career and get on their feet. If they're going to wait until they are say 30 years old, well... that is a long time to wait...

But what I tell them is this: you know you are ready when:

1) You can afford your own roof over your head or at very least, you are not living under MY roof with me doing your laundry and cooking for you; it's less about what goes on under my roof, and more about a sign of independence and maturity - if you are living under my roof but contributing towards our household in some way, like doing laundry and cooking or paying rent money, then you qualify.

2) You are capable of buying your own condoms in the drugstore, and making your own doctor's appt to get on birth control (if you're too embarrassed to do either, then you aren't emotionally mature enough for sex yet)

3) It isn't an issue for you to ask your intended partner to get an STD screening test first; if your partner balks at this idea, then he's the wrong partner; if you are too shy to ask him to do this for you, then you aren't ready. And the screening should be for more than just AIDS.

4) You have a plan in mind should you accidentally get pregnant - it's always a possibility, even with the best birth control!

Personally, my own M.O. was to never have sex with anyone I couldn't see as the father of my children ... because I didn't want to ever have to have an abortion. (Note I say "father of children" not necessarily "future husband material"... what is your confidence this man won't be a deadbeat, and will support his child?).

But let's say you're willing to consider abortion as an option: better be willing to pay for it yourself, or trust that your partner will help you out there. And have you talked this over with your partner - what is HIS plan if you get pregnant with his child? Never, ever ASSUME. Maybe he'd be willing to see you get an abortion, but you're thinking differently. Maybe he is dead-set against abortion, but you aren't. This absolutely must be discussed with your partner before you have sex.

If you're willing to comply with those 4 guidelines, then I would say you are emotionally ready, mature and responsible enough, to have sex. If your partner is willing too, then so is he, and he's a good choice.

There really isnt a big rush to do things. Dont feel like you "have to" because you think everyone else is doing it also. If your comfortable, go for it... if not, just have fun spending time together and forget about the sex part.

While I agree with you it should be with someone your really like, I find it by far to more important to be someone you know that genuinely cares about you.  Someone who appreciates you.  If this isnt the case, I wouldnt even consider it.

Ideally
-- You should already see yourselves as an established couple.
-- One of you should have your own living quarters to provide the privacy for a sexual relationship.  
--  It should be part of an entire experience of a special time shared together (you will long remember this).  
-- He should have proven himself trustworhty and dependable. 

Ive not a religious nor conservative bone in my body -- this comes strictly from what someone deserves. 

I was 15, It was with someone i was dating at the time. I really don't think its special and something you will always remember. Its sex.

I'll give you a different angle.. I was young under 15 when I lost it. I did not give it up because I was in love... it was total peer pressure. You only get to lose it once, that will stay with you forever if you let it. RESPECT is a key. Do you respect yourself, does the other person resepct you? They say whatever they can to get you to bed and 98% of the time they are gone right after, can your self esteem handle that? Recently a close friend of my family at age 15 was in love, she dated her "older" boyfriend for 9 months, he said he wanted to marry her etc, he told her he loved her, etc... So finally feeling at 15 she was ready and in love she gave her virginity to this 19 year old man.. Guess what.. GONE! he seemed so sincere, met the parents, etc. Said all the right things for 9 months. With in 10 days of the "sex act"  Gone. Broke up with her.

Don't make a big issues out of it, just make sure you are ready, that you respect yourself, and that no matter what happens aftewards, you can live with your decision.  And Be smart, be safe. Do not put too high of expectations on it. The first time is never great, its not like the movies. Lower your expectations and you can avoid the anxiety and dissapointment.

 

I had sex for the first time a few months before I turned 15 (27 now). Yes I still remember who and when and all that. Yes I had protected sex then. And I was on BC shots when I got pregnant at 16.

As for a right age to have sex for the first time is an case by case thing. Are you mature, do you understand all you need to know about sex, are you responsible enough to use protection always, are you responsible and mature enough to handle all that goes with sex (pregnancy, stds, etc)..........If you answer no to any of those no matter the age you are not ready. 

 

jenmcc, your daughters are very lucky. My mother told me she was a virgin! I had no clue and no information and let someone else make that decision for me before I was 15.

soare: You'll know when it is time. Don't rush it. If you feel like you've got to do it now because time or opportunity is running out, it's not the right time and it's not for the right reasons!

No one can decide for you how special your first time is. For some it's a huge occasion to be remembered forever as the first. For others, it's a normal body function and not a big deal.

If you are asking others if it's the right time, it's probably not. YOU have to be comfortable with the decision you make, so all our opinions shouldn't matter. When you are confident that you can handle the emotions and be ok with your decision and respect yourself for the reasons behind that decision, then go for it.

Talk to him and get to know him better. Some guys don't like a woman who will do it too early in a relationship. Also, there are lots of intimate activities that come before actual intercourse. You don't have to go all the way all at once.

Decide on your limit before each date. That way you won't get carried away and go farther than what you're ready for. From your post, I think this is an important decision for you and it might be best not to choose in the heat of the moment.

As for the experience question: Two people's first time together, no matter how experienced they are from previous partners, is likely to be awkward or clumsy.

To be honest with you, I didnt get to choose when i lost it.  It was very early and not a good experience, so I ended up waiting quite a while before I did it again.  I was 20.  I was extremely nervous, because  I really didnt have any other experiences to draw upon when it came to sex.  I thought that I would be this incredibly ackward, inexperienced thing and he would know how nervous i was, and that wasnt the case at all :)  I liked him a lot, was attracted to him as well,..but didnt "love him"  It was a little scary, but soooo worth it!!  I almost wish I hadnt waited so long!!  I think that people are trying to help by saying wait untill he respects you, wait until you can support yourself and anyone else that comes along, etc etc.. but I think that those are arbitrary.  A person can tell you they love you and respect you all day long, and still leave you, you can make a lot of money, be older, and still not be able to support yourself.  Just make sure that you ask about stds, use protection and have a good time :)  chances are that you wont remember your first time in a few years anyway...none of my friends do, and they dont have any regrets.

I was 20. And I didn´t have a strict or religious family nor was it because of lack of interest. It was the fact that he was the first one who made me feel like I do want to have sex with him. I didn´t even love him. He was 5 years older and lived in another country, we had a short-term long distance relationship which I ended when I met my first true love. I have never regret it and probably never will.

And I don´t think it has to be "someone you can spend the rest of your life with" etc. And I don´t think it should depend on your financial status. And I don´t think it depends on what anyone else thinks. I think the ONLY thing that matters is if it feels right or not. You´ll know when it does, don´t worry.

 

Edit: Haha, renastar said sort of the same thing right before me :D 

I think there's a difference between just sex and love, sometimes barely distinguishable. Just don't loose it because you've got 'cravings'. Wait for someone who's worth it. I waited (was 20) and it was worth it, at least back then. We waited for one and a half years. He was more scared of it than I was, although he was *very* experienced and didn't even know that I was a virgin. But remember that it can have much larger implications than you originally think.

Gerligerli, I do think it depends on financial status. This is probably because I'm a mom, and the thought of my teen girls getting pregnant fills me with fear. :-)

Do you have the $ to pay for condoms, b.c., ob/gyn appts? Can you afford your own health insurance?

If you get pregnant, can you afford to raise a child? Or will you expect mom and dad to foot the bill?

Sorry... I'm saving away to cover my own retirement... I don't want to start all over again paying for diapers... I already paid those dues!!!

Not saying that if one of my girls accidentally got pregnant I would abandon them... of course I wouldn't. It would be my grandchild, afterall. But c'mon.. don't think so selfishly! Your decisions could have far-reaching impacts, on the future of a child, the future of the man who impregnated you, and also on your child's grandparents, who are planning their own retirement.  Not to  mention our society as a whole: we foot the bill for unwed mothers who have nobody to support them.

If you are old enough to mess around, you should be old enough to shoulder the responsibilities that come along with it. And that includes potential and real FINANCIAL consequences.

As I said, I'm practical. :-)

jenmcc.....if i turn out to be half the mom you are i will be happy! Your children are lucky to have such a smart and caring mom =)

I can pretty much guarantee I'm going to be the only person on this website to ever say this. Wait till your married. Okay you can all trash me now.

To answer, I lost it when I was 12. I chose to do it at that time because I thought it was an okay idea. I guess you could say my values have changed quite a lot since then. 

my mom is a big believer in waiting until marriage as well (she's a non denominational preacher) , catherinerich.  I dont think anyone would be mean to you for your views, I just think that they are a little outdated, personally.  My mom always told me that she didnt think that sex before marriage was a good idea.  She felt that you wouldnt be respected by a man that doesnt want to marry you, plus the risk for single motherhood and stds  was becomes higher the more partners that you have, especially if you are too young and immature to ask about testing and protection.  But, she was also very loving and understanding about a persons needs to make their own decisions.  Instead of pushing abstinence only, she also educated us on the proper use of condoms, birth control, and knowing when we were ready to make the decision to have sex.  She encouraged open and honest discussions, no matter the subject.  I thank her for that. 

I know this might sound a little ridiculous to some, but i would never buy a car unless i test drove it first, so i wouldnt want to choose a mate that i hadnt experienced first either..  I have had boyfriends that i thought i loved, that i was with for a long time, who i happenned to be completely incapatable with sexually.  It didnt mean that i didnt care for him, but i couldnt be with someone that i dreaded sleeping with.  I couldnt marry someone like that... sex isnt everything, but it is very important.

Rena 

 ohh.. and my mom's been married 6 times :)