2-Year-Olds and Temper Tantrums?

I'm the proud step-mother of a darling (seriously, she's a great kid) 2-year-old girl.  My fiance and I have shared custody of her with her mother, meaning that we have her every Thursday at 5PM-Sunday at 5PM.  I've worked very hard to encourage her social skills and to help her develop her vocabulary.  She's always been super mild-mannered and extremely well-behaved.  This weekend, everything changed!  Lol, it's like we had someone else's kid.  Anytime something didn't go her way, she would throw herself in the floor whining.  I have NEVER seen her do anything like this before!  It made me feel like I wasn't doing something right, and I really don't know how to handle this behavior.  I don't have any kids of my own, so I've never been through this before.  I need some advice from some experts! 

i can honestly say this is what has happened to my child, she turned 2 in january and up until about 2-3 weeks ago- bam terrible two'****!!

do not spoil the girl- ask what her mom has been doing and make sure u stick w/ what she does! If she ignores her and lets her cry it out then u need to also because she needs a persistent method every time. I let my girl cry it out and when she is ready to be good she says sry and behaves if i give in she gets worse and keeps acting out all day!!

u arent being a bad parent for doing this- kids need discipline and set guidelines! im sure everything will be fine but talk to her mom to see what her take on it is!

Thanks so much for the advice.  I would love to have a better relationship with her mom for my girl's sake, but that's near impossible.  There's alot of bad background (not between her and I), more or less issues with how she raises/treats Natalie and the stuff she's exposed her to.  I would be better off asking her babysitter for advice on her behaviors (the mom's been known to pick her up from us and take her straight to the babysitter and pick her up just in time to take her back to us; don't worry, we're going back to court after we're married to discuss custody).  So again, thanks for the advice, and I think I agree that me being consistent with how I handle her tantrums is a great approach.   

communication communication communication. The way you talk to your DSD will make some difference. Two or three (my DS has been doing this since he turned three) is a very confusing time for childern. Developmentally they are learning independence, and bondaries. They are testing every aspect of the environment.

One of my favorite books of all time is "Without Spanking or Spoiling". This book is a workbook that also goes through how to handle tantrums.

http://www.naturalchild.org/marshall_rosenber g/compassionate_communication.html

http://www.naturalchild.org/guest/rue_kream3. html

 

Being consistent is VERY important.  I have a 2 y/o at home and a 17 y/o and 15 y/o.  You could also try redirecting her when she has a tantrum.  If it is because she wants to go outside and now is not the time to go outside, find something else that might spark her interest inside and just start talking about it.  Works at our house!  Good luck! 

That's why they call it the TERRIBLE TWOS...but I never had any of it with my 5 children.

I know a few of my grand-kids got a bit un-ruly; it only takes a big hug; a kiss, and a time to calm them - try music and dancing with them...it winds them down.

After you dance, a bit of apple juice - take a photo of them; have them smile, and they just get going in such a sweet way again.

 

Great advice Sixtyfivealive. :) 

When my children were small, I found that the best way to deal with a tantrum is to ignore the child.  When she throws herself on the floor, don't say or do anything.  Sit down at a distance, maybe with a magazine or book and completely ignore her.  The first time it will last quite a while, so you have to be strong.  After the second or third time she'll give up.  My oldest boy was the loudest and the most persistant, but after 4 times he stopped crying after a minute, then tried screaming whenever I turned a page, then stood up, heaved a great sigh, and went to find a toy.  He never did it again.

Tantrums are an attention and control seeking action.  If it doesn't produce that result then it's abandoned.  If a child throws a tantrum when you are ready to leave the house, then the plan will have to be put on hold until the tantrum is finished.  Picking them up, distracting them and mollifying them for the sake of your convenience will just make the next tantrum worse because the first one got the desired result.

In case you're feeling discouraged, this is how they turn out:
My daughter 
so don't lose heart. 

I agree with Claire.  My son is just now 2 years old, and he knows how to throw a tantrum.  I've tried various things to get it to stop, but now if he throws one, I just ignore it.  He usually gives up in about a minute or so and goes back to his toys.  I tried holding and cuddling him, but he ends up hitting me, and I think it makes it all the more dramatic for him.  He's getting the attention he wants, so he keeps up the bad behavior. 

Thanks guys for the wonderful wonderful advice...My initial thought was to ignore her tantrum when it happened, and I did, but my mom was there and babied her over it (big hugs, lots of kisses, etc.).  Natalie comes home again this afternoon, so I'll have to update everyone on how it goes.

I agree with Claire...all 3 of mine had/have (I have a 2 year old now) tantrums.  It's mostly because they don't know how else to express their frustrations.  But if you ignore them, then at least the child quickly learns that this is not a way to communicate. 

There is also the art of distraction.  this generally works if the tantrum is not fueled by lack of sleep.  Look Sarah, a bird!  It gets her everytime!

It also helps to make sure your child isn't over-tired.  Which means trying to keep some type of schedule.  This works in a perfect world, not in mine.  So I often end up with a sleep deprived 2 year old rolling on the floor.

All this being said, it will be much harder to control or quell tantrums if she is living in two different places.  Good luck!

All this being said, it will be much harder to control or quell tantrums if she is living in two different places. Good luck!

I don't agree!  I have step son that essentaily walks all over his mother.  He lived with us and thought he was going to throw tantrums. Mind you he was 8 at the time and I have NO tolernence tantrum behavior in older childern. The first few times it happend I was shocked. How could a kid his age result to such a behavior after all his was eight. Come of find out its how he got his way with his mother.  His dad and I quickly squashed the behavior but it wasn't to ignore him.  He was redirected to his room to cool off and then come communicate his needs to us in a more "big boy way".  We could tell when he'd been to his mother's because the tantrums started for a day or two and then stopped.

You can establish what is and is not acceptable in your home no matter what goes on at the mothers house. Yes, it might be tougher to stick with and it would be easier if the parents were on the same page but its not always the case.  Your house has rules and boundaries, just like moms house will.  Being that my SDS was eight, it took us about a month to get him to communicate without throwing a tantrum when he became overwhelmed.

Denise

Just wanted to thank everyone for your sharing your advice/experiences.  In the last two weekends, I feel like I've learned alot.  #1...If she's tired, get ready for a very fussy little girl.  #2...There seem to be 2 general schools of thought for how to handle temper tantrums: ignore it or love it away.  I've learned that depending on the situation, it's better to use one or the other, not to necessarily stick with one approach.  If she's fussy because she's not comfortable or doesn't like something (like she didn't like the spaghetti I made one night) and can't express it any other way, I understand that and I make the situation better for her (love her).  If she's fussy because her daddy didn't let her play with his car keys, that's a totally different story and if she's going to throw a fit over something like that, I ignore it.  So again, thanks everyone for your advice and if you have any feedback on my approach so far, I'd love to hear it.

exactly right lbh. We had one tantrum, once, with the older boy at two. We were kind of amused that he tried it out, chuckled and walked away (not too far, kept him within eyes and ears). He got up and followed us out of the store.

The younger never threw tantrums but was an energetic handful at two and three. started to calm down at four, when his granny was able to explain that his behavior wouldn't be acceptable at school.