My NOT so open Confession (... bulemia)

Hi there, I am a regular on CC.  But I am so dumb right now, I have a confession...but I changed my name and came on with a new profile, in fear of family or friends seeing my secret.  I need help please with the following:

I am bulimic.  (not even sure of the spelling).  The ONLY time I have any control over this is when I have to, because there are family members around.  I push my family out the door.  Asking them to run errands for me, and I make them call when they are on their way home, so I can binge and purge. I cant stop!   I'm hungry ALL the time.  I almost count the calories in AIR...(that's a joke).  I cant help myself, and I CANNOT seek medical help.  My family is part of the Medical community.  I read about people who were, and they gained control...Ive tried, and I haven't purged in about a week, only because the opportunity hasn't arised.  I plan it, I buy groceries and hide them for the next chance.  When the chance does come, I buy up everything in the store that I craved.  Everything.  And i eat til my tummy might burst.  And then I run up and I swear to my self, "this is the last time"!!! Every time....then i go back down stairs and so it begins again.  Some times Ill pass out from binging and purging so many times, and then I'm really hard on myself.  (this is when i have over nights to myself.) I am online now trying to book my parents a flight out of town for a week...just so i can do it again.  I'm stupid I know, and being as honest as possible, with my "fake log-in".  I don't want to die!  And I know that it is possible.  Please help me.  I don't want to put this on anyone, but I don't know where else to turn now!  Thank  you. 

I nearly cried reading your post. I am so sorry that you have to go through that. I wish that i had advice for you but i do not have any thing to offer accept, please try and seat help aside from you family. Maybe you can try to see a conselor and therapist without your family knowing. But maybe you should tell them so they can be a support system for you while you get help. You will need it. No one should have to live like this.

It is ok to seek help and that is my advice. Good luck and if you need to talk to me i will help you to the best of my ability and support you. all you have to do is send me a messege!!

get help now, if you know you have this condition treat it. 

Just like a diabetic or a cancer patient this needs treatment ASAP.  Family loves you and will understand, if they don't, don't worry, right now you need to be selfish and get healthy. when you are still alive you can talk to them about it. I can't stress to you enough to find help today!!!! don't let another session go by without knowing that you are not alone nor are you at fault for this.

hoping for a positive update soon.

I messaged you personally with my advice.

*hug* Bulemia is so often related to so much more than just your weight; bulemics tend to crave control over their lives and their bodies so much more than just wanting to be thin.

If anyone else is reading this post and needing advice on the same, go get help. This is not an 'alone' kind of illness.

And if you think your actions aren't being noticed and hurting the people you love, you're probably wrong; sometimes they just don't know how to tell you they want to help.

I am so sorry to hear what you are going through.  My sister had bullimia when she was younger, I am not sure if anyone did anything about it in fact.  Unfortuntly it wasnt something we talked about. 

I thought there was a patient privacy law that you should be protected under.  You don't need to tell them the real reason your going, just tell your family you are not feeling healthy so you are seeing a doctor.  They shouldn't be able to find out anything else.  And if you express your concern to the doctor BEFORE telling them, and have them reassure you that you are safe, I think that would help.

Good luck!!

you are letting this secret control you. you hide your actions to support it. it is destroying your body. it is making you lie to the people who love you most and push them away. it has fooled you into thinking that getting the help you need is not an option.

DONT LET IT CONTROL YOU.

if you let it remain a secret it is going to get worse! you need to tell someone you trust immediately. do not let it go any further. tell them however you can: write it down in a letter, blurt out quickly " i need help" so it cant change your mind, tell someone you need their help scheduling an appointment. it is going to hurt. they may not know what to say immediately. but it must be done so you can get help: the control this has on you right now is it is a secret. letting it go longer will only hurt more.

Thanks for the support...just had to get if off my chest.  I am 26 and 5 3, 110 pounds.  I have been at this since I was 18.  I never thought I would be this way.  I never imagined something having a hold of me like this.  I think about it all the time.  So what exactly would i say to a doctor?  I wouldnt know where to begin.  ANyone know?  I cannot tell my family at this point...maybe a doctor.

Go to the doctor, and tell them exactly what you said here.

He or she will ask you the right questions from there.

Tell them this has been an on-going problem, that you want to get it under control, but that you do not feel comfortable having your family know. You'll probably have to go into some details about your binging and purging, but it won't be scary the way that you think that it will be.

If you already have a doctor you trust, that would be ideal. If not, ask a friend for a recommendation to someone who has a pleasant "bedside manner" and that they like. A friendly attitude will make it feel easier on you.

[edit: removed "more" from "more easier" - stupid grammar and typing]

When I went to the doctor to tell her I thought I was depressed, I was horrified. 

I didnt think about it the whole way there or rather I couldnt think about it, and I couldnt think of what to say

the time I got in the room after being weighed and what not, she came in and asked what was going on.  From there I was just a crying mess.  But she was very nice and once she got what I was trying to tell her, she asked the questions that they are taught to ask.  It is there job to help so it really just takes getting it out. 

You will have to be honest as possible, well you dont have to be but it is in your best interest to be.  Otherwise you are just continueing the same path. 

I also had to tell the receptionist why I was making the appointment.  I hestitated and she said it was alright and I didnt have to say (very profesional those doctors are :), I ended up telling her that I wanted to come in for a follow up on my anemia...and talk to her about some other "things". 

I would imagine that they would ask you how long you have been purging and how often.  I would also imagine that they would want to make sure you were getting correct nutrition by checking your blood, to be sure it hadnt created any major difeciencies. 

I believe that they would reffer you to a specialist for eating disorders, then from there you would have to go through the same thing with a new doctor, only this time he would know much more and would help you with counseling and possibly group therapy. 

This is just what I imagine though!  I am in no way qualified to even guess LOL

The main point is keep in mind that they are professionals!!  They are not there to make you feel bad or judge you, they want to help :)

And so do we, but we are not qualified to help!

****SUPER HUGS****

Hi there

I am going to offer you some advise that will probably go against the general opinion but I have been invloved with healing with some of these methods and they seems to work.

I think that the next couple of times you feel like bingeing, become really aware of the process.  Write down in bullet points what you think is making you want to do this.  Ofcourse there is some sort of satisfaction you derive from this behavior.  the satisfaction is probably something you deserve.  But the means by which you are getting it is hurting you in return.  The goals is to become aware of what you are needing and giving that back to yourself through natural means.  It usually is just an acknowledgement that you need this feeling and its ok to want it and moreover you deserve it.

Then from that point onwards what will happen is that everytime you get this satisfaction from a source other than yourself (food, bingiing, tv, shopping or whatever) it will start to feel not right or as good.  After all the fake thing is no where near as good as the real thing.

You are 26, like me. I think it would be good for you over all to start looking inwards, experimenting with your own thoughts and feelings, becoing more aware of who you are and start living a more fulfilling life.  All that you feel that you need to deny yourself, is acually all that you actually deserve.. take it!

Love to you...

Just an idea, check to see if your employer has an EAP (employee assistance program). I know where I work they offer a pretty extensive program that most people don't know about. They offer help for everything from legal services to counseling services (and just about everything in between). You can always give the person in HR a fake reason for asking. Sometime EAP programs are just an 800 number so you wouldn't always be talking to someone from your community.

They may not be able to provide all of the help you need, but they could at least get you going in the right direction. It may make it easier to talk to a doctor once you've gotten the words out once.

You've taken a huge step by posting here. I've only been with CC for a few days, but from what I've read so far it seems like there are a lot of caring individuals here. I may not know you, but I am proud of you for taking this first step.

Get in contact with me because I have been there before and i know it sucks,message me.

I don't really have much to add here, but I believe all of the advice given above is wonderful. I personally have not had bulimia or anorexia, but have also lived with secrets of my own behaviors that have been hurting me personally. They consumed my life with shame and guilt which directly fed into self esteem issues.

I finally dealt with some of them...in different ways. The way I deal with them is to seek help from a knowledable source such as a doctor, or a group such as AA and get a plan together in my mind as to what I'm going to do to beat whatever it is - and work the plan hard. The next step would be sitting my family down and telling them what I'm dealing with and what I'm doing about it. Not easy, but I tell you, I get more support, and at least the guilt started to go away. Once I could see some results of working whatever plan I had committed to, then the shame started to be chipped away and as a result, of course self-esteem issues as well.

Man, I'm telling you...the feeling I got each time I did deal with one behavior head-on, the feeling of FREEDOM and SELF-CONTROL is second to none.

I sincerely hope that you are able to gather the strength sooner rather than later to deal with your bulimia. You deserve to move on and open up new doorways in your life :) Please keep us updated....as there are lots of real people behind these id's that care.

I don?t have experience with this either, but I gotta tell you, I am truly moved by your situation.

In addition to all of the great advice you?ve already gotten here, I would like to emphasize that maybe you don?t need to be as afraid of your family?s reaction as you seem to be.  Obviously you know them better, but you may be very surprised at the level of support they can offer, and you wouldn?t have to lie to the people who care about you. 

Monzi-bee:

I really liked your post.  What you?re describing seems to be a little like what?s call ABA (applied behavior analysis).  I?ve had some training in this because of my autistic son, but it essentially involves looking at the function of the behavior, looking at what needs the behavior serves, and comes up with alternatives for a more appropriate means of fulfilling that need.   I think it?s a great idea that could be very beneficial once immediate health and safety issues are addressed.

Have you looked for support groups for eating disorders in your area?  I know that it is scary to come bring the skeletons out of your closet, but even with family in the medical community unless you live in a very small community they shouldn't find out if you go to the doctor.

I don't know what to tell you.  I used to be a compulsive overeater so I understand the pain of secretive eating and how it can be.  I still fight the tendencies and now I HATE eating alone for fear of slipping back in.  Just please fight for yourself.  Take the leap and tell someone.  It is only going to suck for a little bit and it won't be as bad as you've built it up to be in your head.

I read these post over and over, as my other ident.  I am stupid sometimes, I just ate veggies a plate ful and some tofu...and i feel like throwing up.  My family is downstairs and i hate them for being there.  Because I want to binge so bad, more than i did already.  In addition to my shitty situation, I cannot go to my employer as much as i want to.  Fuck...sorry  but I work for my boyfriend.  What the hell hey!  I am so screwed!  I would like a 1 800 number, but then what can they do for me!?  If i dont throw up when i binge, I will starve because when i dont binge and purge I starve myself.  I don t know how I became obsessed like this.  I dont!  I just had a fight with my boyfriend, andthat is why I binged on boiled veggies, and the tofu!  Now i am just dying inside!  How can a person become like me!?  I dont understand.  I used to be chunky and I didnt even know it.  Now my ribs show and i feel fat.  I can feel my ribs and my spine gross...but i still feel like a chuck of fat!  ALL OVER.....i feel like screaming!  I am sorry.  I am so frustrated with myself.  Im smarter than this.  Thing is, everytime I say this is it, ....my name here....no more after this one.  Promise.....I know in my heart I will prb do it again...and again.   I just dont get it.  Everytime i lost weight and got to my goal, i would try for just a lil more, then my goal would change, to a lower and lower one.  I am aming for 100 now...STUPID ME!  Thats too much I know...but I just need that number on my scale!  I hate this life i am in right now.

Honey, throw away your scale!  Take control. 

Do the people in your life say things about how skinny you are?  My guess is that they do but you blow it off.  I think maybe part of your problem is that you have decided it is your problem and no one else can even know about it.  Isn't there one person who worries about you, someone you know loves you that you can tell?  The people in your life who love you will love you no matter what number is on the scale or whether or not you have an eating disorder.

I think it is an excellent step that you are at least talking about it on here.  At least you are letting a little of it out into the light.  You are NOT alone.

National Eating Disorders Association 800-931-2337

http://www.eatingdisorderinfo.org/  This site seems to have lots of numbers for support and a lot of information.

Good luck!  And if there is anything I can do to help or you need someone to talk to let me know.

Darlin' you need to see a doctor.  As I am sure that you are well aware by now, this is NOT a problem you can deal with on your own.  Bulimia kills people.  That's the bottom line.  You can change your life, and I think that deep inside you want to, or you wouldn't be in here.  Go to a doc not connected with your family.  They will not tell your secrets.  My doc when I was young was a friend of the family, but he would never have even thought about discussing my health issues with them without my permission.  Personally, I think you would be much better off biting the proverbial bullet and telling your whole family about it.  You need their love, support, and accountability in order to get well.  The reason that anorexia and bulimia can be so deadly is that folks keep it such a guarded secret that they never get the help they need to be healthy.  What do you most want to do?  Keep your secret, or live and be happy and healthy and unafraid?  Even if you can?t tell your family yet, please go see a doc.  If you are worried about what to say, print out your first post on this thread and hand it to him.  That post is all the doc needs to know in order to start helping you.   I almost lost a dear friend because of an eating disorder.  I'm happy to say that he is now happy and healthy and living his life.  It's never hopeless.  With help, you can turn your life around and live your life without guilt and fear weighing you down.  Please get help.

Having family in the medical community should not hinder you from seeking help from them or someone else.  You don't say how old you are but if you aren't a minor  you family can not find out from a health care professional what you do or say in therapy.  Even a minor the parents can't have access to your therapy.  My daughter has been in therapy for a year for substance abuse problems she's a minor and her dad and I can not see her medical records for mental health. 

I think the family counseling is best so don't be affraid to discuss with your family.  Some things like this need more support from family and friends than you can deal on your own.

I live in a small community and everyone knows everyone and even though I work with the medical community also I know privacy issues are very important.  PLEASE seek help

I binged last night and threw up.  My family they went out for a dinner.  Its like as soon as I know I have even an hour, I plan for it.  Thinking what ill stuff in my face.  God!  There must be some way to stop withOUT seeking medical help! I should have gone out with my family...for dinner and not ate, is what i usually do if i go out...then atleast I wouldnt have binged!  First bite, does me in every time! DAMMIT. 

so can some one give me a idea of what the 1 800 people will ask me...gulp...i wanna call but its like im scared they will know who I am some how..even when i type on here, im afraid that some one will put two and two together and figure out what my other CC name is....Please dont make that a challenge.  I want to tell you all but I dont . 

If i dont throw up , i just wont eat..whats worse?!

8 million people in the United States have eating disorders. Eight Million.

You are far from alone in this. I think the people here at CC are more concerned about helping you through this than trying to figure out your true identity.

Call the 800 number, they are not going to care if you give them your name, they just want to help. Let them know that you want it to be an anonymous call, chances are they aren't even in the same state or side of the country. Or give them a fake name, how would they know the difference? They'll probably start by asking basic questions about how old you are and when you started to struggle with it. They'll probably also want to know your weight. Or try this, create a brand new email, something that no one you know would be able to guess. Then send them an email. info@eatingdisorderinfo.org - You won't have to talk to anyone quite yet, it can be at your own pace and if you're comfortable, then call them. 

Start with baby steps. The first one was posting here.