Any other survivors of domestic abuse?

I know this is pretty personal for my second post on the forums, but I choose not to be ashamed of my past and if someone can be helped (including myself!) so be it. 

I survived a 10 year domestic abuse situation.  There was physical, mental and emotional abuse.  I have completed a great treament program for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and I have come a looooong way.

Now my biggest hang up is my self-image.  My ex used to call me "fat", "disgusting", "huge" and all of those other horrible things when I weighed between 127 and 132 pounds and was a marathon runner and triathlete.  Nice.  I started to believe it and it still has it's hold on my today even though I know it wasn't true.  If I was "fat" then, at 154 pounds I must be a monster.  Again...  I know it's not true, but I'm having a hard time accepting myself as I am today. 

I am very healthy and happy (for the most part), much moreso than I was before while in that relationship.  My stress level is just a shadow of where it was in the past as well.  I've become more intune with myself switching careers from a high-power stressful job to massage therapy (love it!) and making excellent use of the beach a few miles from my house. 

Does anyone have any nuggets of wisdom as to how they overcame abuse and how they became to love themselves and move on to feel comfortable in their own skin?  It's just this last little piece that is sticking to my shoe, but it's a biggie. 

It was my parents instead of a husband - but here's what helped me.

The best thing was: time and distance.  I moved far, far away from the place I associated with misery, and all of the dysfunctional relationships I'd nurtured there. I moved to the place I'd always wanted to live when I was a little girl. The first few years were rough - I still had very low self esteem, was very jumpy, and had a hard time relating to people. I didn't know what "normal" was. I met friends who were patient with me, and helped me through my unsureness. When I got the blues, I'd go to counciling for a few months - but slowly, I stopped needing to go. After about 5 years on my own, I stopped having panic attacks.

Focus on making strong new friendships, take a class, go out, and find what makes YOU happy; you deserve it. If there's someplace you've always wanted to go, or something you've always wanted to do - go there, and do it. Congratulations on your freedom, and your new calling! I wish you all the best.

congradulations on getting out, getting safe, and moving on!!!  I came from an abusive family life, as well as having an abusive relationship.  I was also diagnosed PTSD.  When I was in that relationship I was also an aerobics instructor and in the best shape of my life.  So I can relate a bit. 

that is well behind me these days and I'm much happier.  I am working on the last dreggs of that period in my life though....body image!!  Here is what I have to offer.  First, I affirm Mel's advice....surround yourself with healthy, positive friends.  Find what you enjoy....nature, art, dancing, planning, whatever....and enjoy it!!

OH....BTW....how long have you been out of the relationship?  I'm ten years out.

Second, be aware of your thinking patterns and decide to challege them.  Choose behaviors that support your positive, healthy body image thinking patterns.  Visualization is really helping me.  Since you have the experience of being very fit I also recommend a book titled 'The Mental Edge'.  It is a sports psychology book, but the advice can cross over to whatever your needs are.  Your athletic experience will give you something to connect it to as well.  Well that's my nugget.  I hope it wasn't to vague....open to more questions if you like.  Good luck!!  :)

Ooops!  one more nugget.   if your options are 1)  I'm overweight,   or   2) I'm too skinny,   then   this is what I choose....#3 is my option, neither, I'll take healthy.....Make your own category that defies other peoples labels

Recognize that no matter what happened you were brave enough to get yourself out of that bad situation and for that you are beautiful and strong.

I was in an abusive relationship for 10 years myself and have been out of it for 9 years.  I dealt with getting my confidence back by just taking things day by day.  One of the first things I did when I finally left the ex was to join the local gym.  It helped raise my self-esteem a lot.  It kept my depression at bay.  And, I made friends who were always happy to see me make it there consistently. 

Really, it does help to make friends or be around people who are positive.   And, time.  Getting over the negative things that were said to you takes time.  It sounds like you've made lots of progress. 

By the way, I also became a massage therapist and have been at it for 3 years now.  It's helped a lot to be able to offer a comforting touch to other people. You heal as you help heal other people's pain.

Good luck. 

what if you're not quite a "survivor" yet.? I am currently in a mentally and emotionally abusive marriage. I have three boys, and the youngest, who is almost 5, has autism. He receives 40 hours of in-home therapy each week--and I have to be there for that to happen. Since June of this year, he has made phenomenal progress. But to be there, I stay in this relationship. For instance, today, before he left with the two oldest kids to watch the football game at his friend's house, he told them ( the kids) that he hoped I blew myself up.

That doesn't make any more sense to me than you I'm sure, but i feel so trapped between wanted to help my youngest child and wanting him to be  a part of my past. 

Any thoughts, or encouragement would be desperately appreciated.

Plashford, please investigate your options.  Is your son's treatment paid for by the spouse?  If it's from a government or not-for-profit agency, then the treatment will not be lost by moving out.  Also weigh the damage of an abusive father for all three children against an interruption of treatment or even trying to do the exercises yourself.

There are many methods to abuse along with many methods to deal with abuse.  Even if you are unable to get out of your situation at the moment is there a counseling group that you could attend?  Check with the local women's shelters, if your spouse is asking why, you could just tell him that you're checking out autism resources for the 5 year old.

I've looked into the shelters info online, but it seems to be geared toward domestic violence, i.e., women who are getting their faces beat in and may be in mortal harm. I would hate to think I was taking resources away from women and children who need them more desperately than I do.  My son's therapy is paid through private insurance and the remainder picked up by PA's medical assistance.

I suppose I hadn't mentioned that I am a full-time mother and housewife, and therefore without money or transportation (since he blew up the engine in his truck and started using the van to go to work).

Thanks for the quick response. I feel very alone right now.

Contact your district attorney, generally part of a child custody agreement involves medical insurance for the children.  He may not put you on his benefits, but I don't believe that he would have the legal right not to cover the children.  It's possible that you can get a stipulation that he cannot change his insurance coverage as long as the current provider is available.  In fact, his rights regarding the children are much more extensive while you are together than if you are legally separated or divorced.

Have the two of you talked about any counseling?  Do you think that it's possible for him to change his behavior or to identify the source and work through it?  Is he even aware of his abuse?  Is this a recent development or has it gradually become obvious to you?  I know that dealing with children with autism and other issues is extremely stressful on the family, you can't help thinking that there must have been something you could have done at some point if only you could have seen it and helped earlier.

Do you really think that he deliberately blew up the truck engine to leave you without transportation?  Can you ask him to get it fixed in case an emergency comes up when he's not home and you and the children need to go to the hospital or a play group or grandma's?

Original Post by plashford:

I've looked into the shelters info online, but it seems to be geared toward domestic violence, i.e., women who are getting their faces beat in and may be in mortal harm. I would hate to think I was taking resources away from women and children who need them more desperately than I do.  My son's therapy is paid through private insurance and the remainder picked up by PA's medical assistance.

I suppose I hadn't mentioned that I am a full-time mother and housewife, and therefore without money or transportation (since he blew up the engine in his truck and started using the van to go to work).

Thanks for the quick response. I feel very alone right now.

The term 'domestic violence' is actually not very helpful because domestic abuse involves emotional and mental abuse as well. I'd suggest you look into shelters further; I suspect they will be very willing to help you.

Do you have any friends/family you could stay with if needed?

I'm sure that he would have to continue coverage for the kids (only the two youngest are his). What I'm not so sure of is my ability to be home for 40 hours per week for it to be accomplished, if we were to separate. I would, presumably, have to take a job (and I gave up a GREAT job to stay home and care for he children--which is no longer open ( Rite Aid IT--enough said). This therapy could not be effectively enacted within the day care setting.  My oldest grew up in that setting and my middle child spent 1.5 years there.

I brought up counselling "years" ago-- but there was nothing wrong with him! My husband is a control freak, and I'm afraid it gradually became known to me, although, if I had been more aware (paranoid?), I would have spotted it sooner. He is also a neat freak. When The middle child was just born, I remember him coming home and complaining that he had to turn off the VCR everynight and it "just wasn't right". Mind you, everything else was in perfect order, but that still wasn't good enough. Needless to say, he has plenty to complain about these days--and he does--but I know that no matter what I do, it won't be good enough for him.

I do think that having a 'less" than perfect child shot a hole in his image of himself as a man, but I can't help him with that. As far as the truck, I don't think he did it deliberately to leave me without transportation; I think it was just negligence on his part.  The oil gauge was broken, and he didn't make sure everything was okay.

He also has a Harley which he can't ride in the winter because it is too cold. I told him to get rid of it and buy something that makes sense. This line of reasoning was refused. I won't attempt to draw conclusions from it. They would be uncharitable.

I have three children, and my mother lives with me (at my husband's request) because she had had a heart attack. When he had suggested it, it had seemed like a beautiful, selfless offer. Time, however, tells all things.

The shelters I looked at provided annominity, name changes--essentially hiding from your spouse. My husband would need to see his kids occassionally, although I do not think he would fight for custody except to try to hurt me.