how do you overcome cruel comments??

I recently went out with a friend to a club. She was talking to some guy whom she really wasn't interested in and he was trying to take her home. She tells him it's my decision and I'm like "it's up to her" and then he says to me "you can come too, I like big girls"-nice to hear that I am a BIG GIRL at 5'3 and 140lbs.

I also went to another friends house and asked where the washroom was and tells me where it is and then says "there's a pool for you on the right too" under his breath and started laughing. i was 135lb

When I started gaining weight I was about 135lbs and a coworker came up to me and was looking for some forms on my desk and couldn't find it and she says "did you eat all of them"

Another time a guy in college whom I had to work with on a project with other people starts making fun of fat people and snickering at me while doing it and asking me "what I think"-I just kept quiet but I should have said something but didn't. still 140lbs at this time

It's really damaged my self esteem hearing these things. I don't go out very much because of it. I go out for walks at 11pm at night so no one has to see me and wear hoodies in 20 degree celsius weather just to cover myself up to avoid attention or people mocking me.

If anyone has had these problems, how to you forget all these things and move on?? I feel ashamed of myself and feel I have to hide just so I can avoid hearing these things? what's the best way to deal with these situations? Whenever I hear these comments I just want to give up (and usually do) trying to lose weight.

I don't have an answer for you, but I wanted to say I'm sorry you have to deal with that.  I've dealt with things like that as well and I too have damaged self-esteem.  I think I am slowly, but surely, coming to the realization that other people's opinions don't really matter - the guy in the club, who is he to say you are a 'big girl', he obviously has his own issues.  All you can really do is be happy with who you are and surround yourself with positive people. 

I hope someone else has better advice because I'd like to hear it as well!

Personally, I think the first step to losing weight is to not care what people think. It takes activity, which can't be done in secrecy, you have to go out in public.

Maybe you could wear headphones and jog in a park to block out these snickering people. Personally if I saw an obese person jogging I would just think "right on, he/she is getting in shape."

Every time you yield to other people, you are denying your body its right to exercise and have fun. You can't avoid the remarks from idiots, but you can control how you let it affect you.

Good question, and something I'd like to hear from other readers about too!

I'm 5'6" and 201 lbs. - and coincidentally I just posted a question on the forum too that is very similar to yours.  I wish I was one of those people who has great comebacks for people when they say rude things like that. 

It's painful and has happened to me many times as well.  Hang in there ~ don't let other people's remarks keep you from enjoying your life!

Cinzia

Original Post by sevekuh:

Personally, I think the first step to losing weight is to not care what people think. It takes activity, which can't be done in secrecy, you have to go out in public.

Maybe you could wear headphones and jog in a park to block out these snickering people. Personally if I saw an obese person jogging I would just think "right on, he/she is getting in shape."

Every time you yield to other people, you are denying your body its right to exercise and have fun. You can't avoid the remarks from idiots, but you can control how you let it affect you.

Thanks for the advice. I try although sometimes it's hard. I don't know how to get over not caring what others say-sometimes I do try and trick myself but always end up going back to hiding. And I know it's stopping me from trying to lose the weight (i lose 5 and then go back up) and go back to eating whatever I want.

Original Post by cinzia2008:

Good question, and something I'd like to hear from other readers about too!

I'm 5'6" and 201 lbs. - and coincidentally I just posted a question on the forum too that is very similar to yours. I wish I was one of those people who has great comebacks for people when they say rude things like that.

It's painful and has happened to me many times as well. Hang in there ~ don't let other people's remarks keep you from enjoying your life!

Cinzia

Hi there,

It's the worst feeling ever isn't it?? I really don't see myself as that large either till people started making these rude comments. I'm going to find your post to see how others answer

Man, F those ppl, and F anyone else who is negative.

Like others have stated it starts from within. You have to know that you are beautiful inside and out. Also realize the things that make you an outstanding and wonderful individual are things that are intangible, your pesonality, your heart your ability to love and NOT judge.

99.999999% of the time ppl are being negative and speaking badly about some it is a reflection of their own insecureties. They don't want  someone to see that do they try to deflect attention on other ppl.

A really good movie to check out is Angus, it makes me laugh and cry. It's kind of a teeny bopper movie but it's excellent.

I can't help with the comments from people you know- I'm still nursing the hurt from comments my family has made about my weight (I know it's coming from a good place, but... it hurts.) I usually get angry and tell myself that they'll see... what they'll see, I'm not sure, because they'll always see me as fat. Grrr.

I have the same issues about exercising in public, though... I always thought people were staring at me and laughing at me (actually, I think people are doing this to me all the time, not just during exercise). I wear big, baggy clothes, don't go out to nice places, I feel out of place everywhere. It's a terrible feeling.

Anyway, my therapist told me that most people are so wrapped up in themselves that they're not even paying attention to you. I try to remind myself of that when I'm feeling self-concious. And I try to remember that strangers don't matter to me. I don't know them and I'll probably never see them again. Repeating my therapist's advice to myself has helped me, even if I don't quite believe it completely.

Of course, the old zinger, "Next week I'll be a pound lighter, but you'll still be stupid" helps too. :-)

PS: You're 5'3" and 140??? I'm 5'4" and 140 is my perfect-but-probably-won't get-that-low weight! I'm so jealous of you! That should make you feel better- here's someone who has to lose 50 pounds to be "big" like you ;) (Feel free to tell yourself "At least I'm not as fat as knitterlyn! I'm already at her goal weight!" That keeps the insecurities in check!) :-D :-D

I know how you feel.  I am 5'1" and currently 145 lbs.  My fiance and I were up at Penn State walking around downtown and a SUV full of college kids (my age) yelled out to my fiance and he was romantically giving me a smooch until the light changed and we could cross the road, "You kiss that fat girl!"  All the while through the day I am thinking I look kinda cute in my long sleeve PSU shirt and my jeans.  It definitely put a damper on the day and even though I acted like I was fine, I wasn't.  My fiance knew it too but I didn't want to dwell on it because I didn't want to let someone elses ignorance ruin my day. 

I don't have an all around solution to helping you feel better but just remember that you are doing this for good health, not to be skinny so society doesn't make comments.  Even if you are thin and fit, people are mean and heartless and if its not one thing, it'll be another.  Just don't take what people say to heart.  Work on YOUR opinion of YOU, rather than working on what other people think are a problem.

I know it's hard sweetie...most of us have been there.  It hurts but we just have to keep our heads high, our confidence up and just realize what is REALLY important in life. Our families, our children, our friends...the people who truly care about us.  Not some silly strangers who probably have WAY more self-confidence issues than we do. 

::HUGS::

People I work with in the MIddle East just come out and say "you're fat" when a person is fat. It's apparently not an insult around here, but a sign that one is prosperous. I appreciated the sentiment, but have chosen to become less prosperous, I suppose.

If you let what other people think and say control you, it will. A simple "wow that's really rude of you to say" with a smile on my face works for me (or a "F*ck you very much").

The best revenge is success.

Original Post by jasmin3w4:

It's really damaged my self esteem hearing these things. I don't go out very much because of it.

 Eleanor Roosevelt said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."

Not only did these rude, obnoxious people say these things, but you hold on to them reliving and re-injuring yourself.  Don't know what part of the country your are from so I don't know whether a tart or sweet reply would work. "gee that was nice!"(sarcastic, ironic)  "Yeah I like hanging with gross, rude people."  My mother's ultimate curse was "I hope you never get f*cked!"  Which is a lot worse the F-U. 

Anyway those are just comments and give you some shield but the true shield comes from within. If negative comments are bringing you down, think about the positive things.  One time I was so down I made of list of all my bad traits (page and a half) then I drew a line to do my good traits and I thought, and I thought, and I thought finally I came up with 1. 1 to a page and a half!!! But every night I read the positive side and was able to add to it.  Another idea is to write your positive affirmations down and put them where you see them often--like at the bathroom mirror. It takes practice, but it is worth a lot and funny thing is, fewer people will make negative comments too when you get there.

Wow. When I was 135-140 pounds at 5' 2", I never felt fat, just like I needed to lose a few. However, now I am fat, no question about it. My fiancee and I traveled to Europe last summer and I felt very uncomfortable as the fat American couple. I don't know how you overcome comments that are intended to insult like that -- it's very hard especially when it's something you already dislike about yourself.

The only thing to do, is to call them on it when they talk like that, don't hang out with those sorts of people and finally don't assume everyone else thinks like those jerks. And they are indeed the height of assdom to say such rude things.

All we can do is put our chins up and let them watch our butts wiggle if they must as we work it out to where we want to be.

Omg, how horrible.  So sorry to hear these jerks making these comments.  I’ve heard some of those types of comments, but it’s not all that often, which is surprising considering I’m twice your size. 

But I agree completely with sevekuh and some of the others.  It’s all about your own self confidence.  Part of it is that as this grows, you won’t care as much what people think (we all always care at least some).  But second, I think people sense that lack of confidence.  While I’m sensitive to my weight, overall, I’m overly confident.  My weight does not effect my personality.  I am still beautiful.  And so are all of you.  How often do you tell yourself that?  How often do you remind yourself of those awesome personality traits that are special to you?  Do you look in the mirror and see ugly, or are you able to look at yourself and say “I’m pretty.  I have beautiful/sexy/perfect _______(eyes, lips, eyebrows, thighs, booty, hair, ears, etc).  None of us like everything.  But there are things that are perfect on each of us.  Focus on those.  Tell yourself what you like and don’t bother telling yourself what you don’t like.  You already know what you don’t like.  That’s what you keep focusing on.  I heard on a show one time to do this: imagine what it’s like to be somebody you admire.  Close your eyes and visualize what they must feel like.  Feel those feelings and open your eyes and look at yourself with those feelings in you.  Never tried it, but sounds like it’d help.

And don’t know if you do, but baggy clothes make people look bigger.  It makes it look like you have even more weight under there that you’re trying to hide.

And when in doubt, call them what they are.  “At least I can work on getting slimmer.  You can’t work on becoming less of a rude a- whole/ B**** etc

I think this happens to everyone- even the "beautiful people" get criticized about how they look.  Its just a lot easier for people like us, who are already aware of our flaws, to blow them out of proportion and dwell on them for years. 

When I was 18 (mind you, this is 7 years ago), I was walking across campus to run an errand.  I had thrown on a pair of really not-cute jeans and a baggy tshirt cause it wasn't exactly pleasant weather and I didn't feel like it was a big deal.  As I was crossing the road at a stoplight, a car of three guys starting hooting and hollaring at me.  But it wasn't intended to be nice, it was sarcastic....they started laughing and I heard one of them say "man thats just wrong."  Seven years ago and that is still in my head. 

What I try to do is dress my best most days.  Not for other people. But so that *I* feel cute/sexy/sassy.  It completely changes the way I carry myself and even though I haven't lost any weight since then, I focus on the fact that there are guys who turn their heads to watch me walk by.  THAT is how I deal with the negativity. 

I'm torn about how you should respond to the comments.  Sometimes, there's nothing more gratifying than calling an a**hole out in front of everyone.  (just because he has some kind of small-penis complex doesn't mean that he has to insult everyone around him to distract from the fact that he's a stuck up, bottom dwelling loser who will never have a real relationship because he's so fugly that the women who he *thinks* he deserves wouldn't touch him with a 10 foot pole) But then there's the other response of turning the other cheek and not sinking to their level.  But really....whats the fun in walking away? lol..wow haven't had a rant like that in a while! haha

Like anything, there are good days and there are bad days.  But thats just life.  There has to be some bad times in life so that you appreciate the good days. 

Original Post by lovinmylife24:

I know how you feel.  I am 5'1" and currently 145 lbs.  My fiance and I were up at Penn State walking around downtown and a SUV full of college kids (my age) yelled out to my fiance and he was romantically giving me a smooch until the light changed and we could cross the road, "You kiss that fat girl!"  All the while through the day I am thinking I look kinda cute in my long sleeve PSU shirt and my jeans.  It definitely put a damper on the day and even though I acted like I was fine, I wasn't.  My fiance knew it too but I didn't want to dwell on it because I didn't want to let someone elses ignorance ruin my day. 

I don't have an all around solution to helping you feel better but just remember that you are doing this for good health, not to be skinny so society doesn't make comments.  Even if you are thin and fit, people are mean and heartless and if its not one thing, it'll be another.  Just don't take what people say to heart.  Work on YOUR opinion of YOU, rather than working on what other people think are a problem.

I know it's hard sweetie...most of us have been there.  It hurts but we just have to keep our heads high, our confidence up and just realize what is REALLY important in life. Our families, our children, our friends...the people who truly care about us.  Not some silly strangers who probably have WAY more self-confidence issues than we do. 

::HUGS::

 lovinmylife24, I went to Penn State and I KNOW how people can be there!  That SUCKS - way to ruin a romantic moment!  They were probably drunk fat boys and to them, anyone not in a tiny mini skirt with a hollister tank top = fat. Wait til they get out in the real world and realize that not everyone is a size 00 (nor does every woman talk in a high pitched baby voice and end every sentence with... a question mark?).

Anyway, I digress.... For me the only thing that heals cruel comments is a day or two of obsessing over it, TALKING about it with friends (once you laugh over it, it doesn't seem as serious), and waiting 'til the "ouch!" goes away.

Kudos to you for posting this!

I have been a fat kid since I was little so I am used to these kinds of situations and at this point in my life I couldn't care less what people have to say about me since I have heard it all.  I think I turned a corner in college and just started laughing with them because I was fat and they were right (jerks none the less but they were right). You sound like you are not fat at all so this is kind of ridicules.  You could always go back to the old come backs like "I could lose some weight but you will always be dumb"  or " I can always drop some pounds but you will always be ugly" and one of my best friends (she is a girl) always goes right for the throat and says" i may be fat but you will always have a small d*ck!" Now that one causes some fights but it always makes her feel better for some reason.

Ignoring it is always the best way.  Making fat jokes is so unoriginal so thorw it back at them and grade their jokes to their face.  If it was clever let them know, but 9 times out of ten the jokes are dumb and played out so let them know how whack their jokes are and that they better come with some thing more original if they are really going to try and put you down.

now these are some horrible stories.

i hope things like this will make us stronger people. maybe the weight loss process, including the phase of being overweight, will be helpful rgarding ths personalities...

Original Post by knitterlyn:

I can't help with the comments from people you know- I'm still nursing the hurt from comments my family has made about my weight (I know it's coming from a good place, but... it hurts.) I usually get angry and tell myself that they'll see... what they'll see, I'm not sure, because they'll always see me as fat. Grrr.

I have the same issues about exercising in public, though... I always thought people were staring at me and laughing at me (actually, I think people are doing this to me all the time, not just during exercise). I wear big, baggy clothes, don't go out to nice places, I feel out of place everywhere. It's a terrible feeling.

Anyway, my therapist told me that most people are so wrapped up in themselves that they're not even paying attention to you. I try to remind myself of that when I'm feeling self-concious. And I try to remember that strangers don't matter to me. I don't know them and I'll probably never see them again. Repeating my therapist's advice to myself has helped me, even if I don't quite believe it completely.

Of course, the old zinger, "Next week I'll be a pound lighter, but you'll still be stupid" helps too. :-)

PS: You're 5'3" and 140??? I'm 5'4" and 140 is my perfect-but-probably-won't get-that-low weight! I'm so jealous of you! That should make you feel better- here's someone who has to lose 50 pounds to be "big" like you ;) (Feel free to tell yourself "At least I'm not as fat as knitterlyn! I'm already at her goal weight!" That keeps the insecurities in check!) :-D :-D

Thank you for your experience. Are you going out during the day and walking now instead of hiding? I am thinking I should start taking these steps because I am always scared of walking alone this late at night.

I can't believe your family said something to you especially when you are nursing! I think a lot of people just lack tact or want to be rude and it's just not right, especially in your case

Original Post by lovinmylife24:

I know how you feel. I am 5'1" and currently 145 lbs. My fiance and I were up at Penn State walking around downtown and a SUV full of college kids (my age) yelled out to my fiance and he was romantically giving me a smooch until the light changed and we could cross the road, "You kiss that fat girl!" All the while through the day I am thinking I look kinda cute in my long sleeve PSU shirt and my jeans. It definitely put a damper on the day and even though I acted like I was fine, I wasn't. My fiance knew it too but I didn't want to dwell on it because I didn't want to let someone elses ignorance ruin my day.

I don't have an all around solution to helping you feel better but just remember that you are doing this for good health, not to be skinny so society doesn't make comments. Even if you are thin and fit, people are mean and heartless and if its not one thing, it'll be another. Just don't take what people say to heart. Work on YOUR opinion of YOU, rather than working on what other people think are a problem.

I know it's hard sweetie...most of us have been there. It hurts but we just have to keep our heads high, our confidence up and just realize what is REALLY important in life. Our families, our children, our friends...the people who truly care about us. Not some silly strangers who probably have WAY more self-confidence issues than we do.

::HUGS::

I just looked at your profile and you are about the same size and it's pretty sad that we seem to be considered like we are deformed when we aren't that big. I think I really do have to start working on myself. I really want to stop caring what others think-hard not to especially when they say hurtful things. thank

Original Post by durgy:

People I work with in the MIddle East just come out and say "you're fat" when a person is fat. It's apparently not an insult around here, but a sign that one is prosperous. I appreciated the sentiment, but have chosen to become less prosperous, I suppose.

If you let what other people think and say control you, it will. A simple "wow that's really rude of you to say" with a smile on my face works for me (or a "F*ck you very much").

The best revenge is success.

Funny you say that because the guy who was trying to pick my friend up was from Turkey. thanks for the advice. I am really trying not to have what others say control me but it's hard to tune out sometimes-especially when they do it to your face

So Sorry to hear about all those horrible comments...I can totally imagine how you feel.  On January 1st 2008 I was 142 lbs and I am 5/3 Medium Frame.   I have over time learned that confidence comes from within.  Also I agree with knitterly "most people are so wrapped up in themselves that they're not even paying attention to you".  I am currently 130 lbs.

Just ignore all the ignorant people comments.  In fact, I use it to push my self harder when I work out.  I don't care what they are saying when I try to jog and am huffing an puffing because at least I am trying.  One day I will get there and I will feel better out it.  If you eat better or go work out just know you are doing it for your self and your body. 

Of course, the friends at  CC have been a GREAT support and I count on them for more.