Overconcern, a roadblock for progress

We all want friends who accept us as we are.

But what about when they try to talk you out of trying to improve yourself?

I am 5' 1" and currently 167 lbs. I have lost eight or nine pounds so far, but it seems like I have had to fight with the people who care about me to get that far. I am carrying a lot of extra weight still and I feel it. I feel as unhealthy and sluggish as my BMI suggests. I even classify as obese. I have several physical and financial difficulties with my weight, such as being unable to walk relatively short distances without chafing between my thighs, being unable to find clothes that fit my proportions, and being unable to afford new clothes when I can't fit into the ones I already own. Losing weight would be an improvement in my life.

My self esteem is also not all it could be. I feel like the task of losing weight might be totally beyond me, but when I look to my friends for encouragement and support, they usually try to talk me out of trying. I am happy that they like me the way I am, but it seems like they are afraid that they won't like me if I change.

They tell me I'm not overweight, even though I have medical evidence that I am. They tell me I don't have to live up to someone else's standard, when I'm only trying to make my own standard a healthier one. They tell me my target weight (125 lbs) is too low. I would understand if my target were 100 lbs, even though that is not unhealthy for someone my height, but 125? I think that is reasonable, and I would be happy even to settle with 8-10 lbs more. I want to be in the best shape and the best health, because I think I deserve it, but my friends just don't seem to think that this is something I should care about.

It seems like they are afraid that I'm demeaning myself, or that I think I'm not good enough or unattractive because of my extra weight. I am confident in myself as a person, though. I don't hate myself or think I'm worthless. I just want to lead a healthier life and feel better each and ever day. I want to treat myself as I know I have always deserved to be treated, but even my boyfriend, who is otherwise wonderful to me, begs me to reconsider my goal! Do my friends just like me better fat? Do they think low self-worth is the only reason people try to lose weight? Are they jealous? Are they afraid I won't like them anymore for not living up to the same standards I've set for myself? I just don't know...

What can I say to them that will remind them that I love them, but also that I need them to applaud me for this aspiration?

I think you need to not talk about your weight with your friends unless they bring it up.  If they do, you say things like "I'm trying to eat healthier" or "I'm working on getting fitter" not "I'm trying to lose weight" or "I'm trying to get thinner".  It also helps if you're not eating "weird food" around them; if you're at a restaurant, making healthy choices that don't look overly diet-y (e.g. grilled salmon or steak with vegetables is good; plain salad with no dressing screams "diet!").  And it helps if you're not cancelling plans out of fear of having to eat/drink; go out for drinks but have club soda with lime (or similar) or nurse one drink all night.

Many people are quite uncomfortable discussing weight.  And many people don't like change.  And, of course, they're you're friends so they want you to know they love you no matter what.  Put those three factors together and you get the overconcern you're experiencing.  The best way I've found to combat it is to go about your business as though the weight loss is no big deal; just a side effect of doing things to be healthier.

I doubt they are jealous, but they could very well be in denial about what is actually a healthy weight and what isn't.  Being overweight isn't like having a cold; you can't just look at somebody and observe signs of illness.  Increased risk is not visible to the naked eye.

And they are probably trying to encourage you to feel good about yourself, because they love you whether you are overweight or not. 

I would recommend telling that you love them and appreciate how much they support you, but that they are mistaken in thinking that you are as healthy as you can be.  Tell them you have a wonderful life and want to enjoy it to the fullest for as long as you can.  Tell them it isn't about how your body looks, it's about what it can do and how it feels doing it.

Best of luck.

The first thing I would assume is that your friends are probably overweight themselves and our reflecting their own feelings about weight onto you, but you know what they say about assuming...

Look, you know the facts: Being 5'1" and 125 (for probably any frame size) is reasonable. You're educated now from being on cc.com and they really don't know any better.

Keep going and when they say something, just smile and nod.

I believe you should talk to your friends this same way you are posting here--Tell them about your goals..tell them you appreciate how they love you for you--but also tell them that you NEED to do this..for yourself..

Tell your bf how you really feel..about your body..and how you aspire to be healthier and look better and be fitter which are admirable goals btw. ...It is something about you to respect and admire..

I wish you the best of luck in your weight-loss journey..GO FOR IT! You deserve to be the best you CAN be..

I think your friends will understand..hopefully anyways..

But is it true they are over-weight themselves? maybe? This will explain something..but even then,you can encourage them as well to do this...you can support each other and help each other out with the weight-loss journey...

Not to be rude to the OP, but another possibility is that you are talking/obsessing about your weight or your diet too much for their comfort.  Are you complaining about feeling deprived?  Do you look longingly at their (less healthy) food choices?  Do you complain about "having to exercise"?

I had a friend once who exhibited all these behaviors when she went on one of her periodic fad diets.  She was always whinging about being on a diet, or whinging about being fat when she wasn't on a diet.  Or asking for support to do the right thing, or asking "permission" to do the wrong thing that she really wanted to do.  It got really wearing to be around her, I always felt as if I were walking on eggshells.  I remember saying to a mutual friend once that I wish she would just decide to be happy at her weight and stop trying to lose.

Because of this experience, when I embarked on this lifestyle change I didn't really talk about it with anyone in real life except my husband and my mother.  And I try to just quietly get on with my new habits and not bore everyone in my life with the challenges (or even successes) of the journey.  That is the great thing about CC, I can brag/complain to a bunch of supportive strangers and get advice from people who have been exactly where I am at any given moment.

Original Post by nottilthursday:

What can I say to them that will remind them that I love them, but also that I need them to applaud me for this aspiration?

You can't ask people to 'applaud' and not expect them to express their opinion at the same time.  You'd be really upset if your friends/boyfriend were saying 'yes, you're incredibly fat and we've all thought you should slim down for a long time'  If you want people to be involved then you have to accept the accompanying interference, 'saying the wrong thing' and so forth that comes with it

Losing weight is a personal activity so keep it personal.  And I agree with dkenworthy that it's really easy to become a 'diet bore' and make your friends uncomfortable in the process..... Do the right thing for you and don't look for approval elsewhere.  Success is its own reward.  No applause required.