How being 100+ pounds overweight affects me...

I get out of breathe just walking upstairs to my bedroom, I can't run after my 6 year old when she wants to play...and I don't want to go to amusement parks because I'm afraid I won't "fit" when they close the locking bar....

BUT-does anyone else experience this?? I am honestly surprised when I see myself in mirrors, because I just don't "feel" like I'm that big....if there were no mirrors, I swear, I could con myself into believing I'm a normal weight...

I walk for one minute and my 02 stats drop to 81% , so yes..I experience the same thing, you are not alone.  I do feel my weight though..my weight nearly cost me my life 2 and 1/2 years ago. I long to push my child on a swing ..run on the beach with him..tickley him..be the mother that my weight is holding me back from being..I do my best to work around it..but nothing is really the same as being well...The first thing I do when I get up is look in a mirror because for 4 years I did not...and when I did...it was because someone was talking about me in public..and I overheard it..I came home..looked in the mirror and cried..I cried for 5 days..I called my mother..and said..mom..no matter how much I try ..I cant see my heart..I see what the rest of the world sees...and what the media has taught the world overweight people are..

I do!  I constantly ask my husband "Am I as big as..."  because I don't know how fat I really am. I look in the mirror and don't like what I see but as soon as I turn from the mirror, I can't remember what I looked like.   I mean, I know how much I weigh (a lot) but I just don't feel like I'm as heavy as I really am.

That sounds as though it is really bothering you..is it? If I was to close my eyes and think of something with me in it..I wont see myself big walking down the beach, but when in life I walk I have so much pain I know every minute how big I am.  hi by the way, my name is joanne and I am just learning my way around.

Joanne -

I don't know if you were specifically asking me but I'll answer. 

I doesn't really bother me.  However, it makes it really difficult to figure some things out.  Obviously, I have a distorted body image and that makes it really difficult to care about how I look. 

I've done some real soul searching lately.  I've always been perceived as the funny, self confident fat girl with a pretty face.  I'm not really that person at all.  I'm funny, yes, (:D) but I'm not at all confident.  In fact, until now, I haven't valued myself much at all.  I haven't felt that I deserve to look and feel good or to spend time on me.   That, I think, is the crux of my problem.  When you combine that with this distorted body image that I have, well, there's a problem.

There are a few things I tell myself now:  I deserve to take care of myself.  Nothing will ever taste as good as healthy feels.  I can do anything for {x} minute(s) and It can't hurt any worse than it does right now (when on the treadmill - ha!).  I'm worth the effort.  

You know, that change hasn't happened overnight, but in a very short time I've come to believe all those things.  We all deserve to be healthy.  We all deserve to run with our children and ride rollercoasters.  We are selling ourselves short and it's tragic.   If it means hiring a professional trainer or nutritionist then it's money WELL spent.   We have to start caring for ourselves. 

I am a fat girl but that's all going to end.  I don't like what I see in the mirror but, right now, I love myself more than I ever thought possible; certainly more than I ever have before.

(I'm Jen, by the way.   I'm not always this much of a cheerleader, usually much more cynical, but I just can't help it right now.  I just want people who feel like I did to see the words "I deserve to feel good" and start believing it. )

Guys, I have been working REALLY HARD to accept my body the way it is. I think that is essential to changing it. I am not pleased with all the flesh I see. My thighs are immense, my tummy is enormous, and my arms flap.

I have hypertension, thyroid problems, IBS, arthritis, reflux, and trouble sleeping. All these are either caused by or aggravated by my weight. I have trouble standing or walking for more than a few minutes.

I also believe that I am perceived by others as being less worthy of respect, attention and belief than normal-weight persons. I am surrounded by people who believe (and I may be one of them) that all fat, fifty, females are abused, and filled with a miasma of nonspecific illnesses only they understand...from fibromyalgia to nightmares.

I think a lot of us are obsessive and compulsive about many things besides just our eating habits. I think weight loss is a big challenge to my emotional health and has to be, for me, a program of spiritual recovery. If I cannot stuff my feelings into food, then I will become restless, irritable, unreasonable and discontent--without knowing it(sometimes). I can't do this alone, I have to have outside help.

Original Post by jpoage:

Joanne -

I don't know if you were specifically asking me but I'll answer. 

I doesn't really bother me.  However, it makes it really difficult to figure some things out.  Obviously, I have a distorted body image and that makes it really difficult to care about how I look. 

I've done some real soul searching lately.  I've always been perceived as the funny, self confident fat girl with a pretty face.  I'm not really that person at all.  I'm funny, yes, (:D) but I'm not at all confident.  In fact, until now, I haven't valued myself much at all.  I haven't felt that I deserve to look and feel good or to spend time on me.   That, I think, is the crux of my problem.  When you combine that with this distorted body image that I have, well, there's a problem.

There are a few things I tell myself now:  I deserve to take care of myself.  Nothing will ever taste as good as healthy feels.  I can do anything for {x} minute(s) and It can't hurt any worse than it does right now (when on the treadmill - ha!).  I'm worth the effort.  

You know, that change hasn't happened overnight, but in a very short time I've come to believe all those things.  We all deserve to be healthy.  We all deserve to run with our children and ride rollercoasters.  We are selling ourselves short and it's tragic.   If it means hiring a professional trainer or nutritionist then it's money WELL spent.   We have to start caring for ourselves. 

I am a fat girl but that's all going to end.  I don't like what I see in the mirror but, right now, I love myself more than I ever thought possible; certainly more than I ever have before.

(I'm Jen, by the way.   I'm not always this much of a cheerleader, usually much more cynical, but I just can't help it right now.  I just want people who feel like I did to see the words "I deserve to feel good" and start believing it. 

I keep a quote on my computer I put it there on the 1st of this month "Food dont taste as Good as thin feels" I have been doing good loosing weight since the first. Part of me still cant believe..hey I am doing this, yet I cant say...what or why I was able to get started with it...I think it started with the movie the secret..a month before, but did make some lifestyle changes over a three year period..this last change was portion control which was how I found this site ..I wanted to add variety to my 300 calorie meals I have been doing.

Thank you for sharing, re a distorted body image, I have no experience with it but do appreciate that it would bring an added challenge, but I do have a little girl inside me, that hid away from abuse that I have had and deal with when weight lose starts to occur.

Each and everyone of us are unique..I wish you well..It is a pleasure to meet you.

nice to meet you earth mom...hi ..I am Joanne, I hear you about what people think and about emotional eating, I have been in couselling for over two years helping me deal with abuse...from my last job..it triggered..stuff..from childhood..and I quickly gave up on me and put that little girl back inside me..it has taken a great deal of courage to let her out..and she will always feel vulnerable..a week into my healthy living lifestyle change..this fought me..and I had a major panic attack..which was something totally new to me..and ended up taking an ambulance out of here..thinking I was having a heart attack...emergency said my heart was fine..I was puzzled as to what was wrong with me..when the next day a friend..said..to me..maybe it was a panic attack..all of a sudden things started to make sense to me..as even though I knew I was doing better then I had in years..there had to be hidden fears..when it happened again..I controlled it..and after a few days..it went away..but I do ..feel a certain underlaying fear..and your right..when you get to a certain point being over weight..society just dont look at you the same anymore..I was shopping one day..and you know we sort of naturally look up to see someone else with a cart coming so we will move out of the way..I looked up and naturally looked into the persons eyes..to see them looking directly at my stomach..as though I was some sort of freak...

society can be very cruel towards the morbidly obese..I am sure we have all had experiences to attest to that...

I am trying when that feeling comes to want to eat the wrong thing to be prepared for it..it took me two years to save the money for a treadmill so that I could start a special program..and its finally here..and today..I lasted two minutes instead of the one I had planned..two minutes will be laughable to many people but to me..it is where I have to start..

several years ago, I was doing this..started of 1 minute 6 times a day...and graduated up to 6 minutes 6 times a day..when my treadmill broke and could not be repaired..I needed the support of the treadmill..to help me walk..to walk outdoors..I would need a walker..it took 7 months to get through the medical system..for it to come..in that length of time..I lost a considerable amount of mobility ..and ended up in worst shape then I was before..but I am back at it..determined..and I never gave up believing..I would..

and I am not ashamed that I have to hang my belly in a sling...made to go across the treadmill handles so that it will take pressure of my spine so that I can walk without even worst pain and tearing of the muscles..ligiments and tendons in my back..

I have spinal kyphosis, oestoarthritis..and numerous mechanical back failure problems..but I am determined..that I am going to beat this..my life depends on it..and my son..depends on me..and my son has cerebral palsy so will need to depend on my for as long in life as he can and in all honesty..I worry so much ..about  how the world will treat him..or who will care for him..

my humble opinion is the medical system is the worst for judging us of being less worthy then others in life..I guess that is why..it is called morbid obesity because I really do feel that skinny people who get the same medical problems..get better health care..because most people think all we need to do..is stop stuffing our faces..and dont have a clue..as to the complexity of the full situtation..which I feel is different for each of us, kind regards

Joanne, I am very new to this  as well and it scares me to talk about my fears and pains. We recently had a death in the family and that has woke me up. As my girls and I started to look through photos of their dad that had passed away I realized at what extent I had gone to just to stay out of the photos because of my weight. If something happened to me and my kids had to rely on photos of me there would be very little. I too have struggled with panic attacks and it has only been since my weight has jumped not sure why. I struggle with the way I am looked at as well and I tend to look down when I am exiting a store so I dont have to see myself in the glass doors. Some how I have got to get my weight under control. I have a two year old and my husband is terminally ill and I need to get healthy so I can play with him and teach him how to ride a bike. I know my husband wont be around to teach him to throw a ball go fishing and play on the play ground. There are days when I look in the mirror and I think I look pretty good face hair makeup. Then someone takes a photo of me and I see the photo and I just cant beleive its me?Some how some way I will may a change I am just not sure how but talking with others I think will really help!!

Shannon

Original Post by jst_warningu:

Joanne, I am very new to this  as well and it scares me to talk about my fears and pains. We recently had a death in the family and that has woke me up. As my girls and I started to look through photos of their dad that had passed away I realized at what extent I had gone to just to stay out of the photos because of my weight. If something happened to me and my kids had to rely on photos of me there would be very little. I too have struggled with panic attacks and it has only been since my weight has jumped not sure why. I struggle with the way I am looked at as well and I tend to look down when I am exiting a store so I dont have to see myself in the glass doors. Some how I have got to get my weight under control. I have a two year old and my husband is terminally ill and I need to get healthy so I can play with him and teach him how to ride a bike. I know my husband wont be around to teach him to throw a ball go fishing and play on the play ground. There are days when I look in the mirror and I think I look pretty good face hair makeup. Then someone takes a photo of me and I see the photo and I just cant beleive its me?Some how some way I will may a change I am just not sure how but talking with others I think will really help!!

Shannon

HI Shannon..abuse from the way we look..is a hard reality, even a harder reality is getting a grip on it..and not worrying about carrying other people image of who we are and the medias image of who we are on our shoulders and allow ourselves to concentrate...on ...the real issue of it..all...Our Health..because it takes years off your life..having a place to share and talk is a good place..today I will feel confident..tommorrow I may need you..tomorrow you may feel confident..and someone else will need you..a place to be who you really are inside..share common issues..I think is important..

I look dashing in makeup..smiles..big women are beautiful..and have the sweetest of hearts..thats my opinion..I have a nice pic of me somewhere and as huge as I am..and as much as I know if I publically placed it somewhere it would be circulated around the internet with some fat joke behind it..I have learned..real beauty is in the heart..

you sure have a load on your plate..and I cant imagine..the pain you must feel..in knowing your husband will pass on..but I can tell you..I will keep you in my prayers..and hooray for you for seeing that you are beautiful...I tend to look down also..but not because...of seeing myself..but because of seeing someone..staring at me..and these days..as my confidence in life has grown..with lots of work..mind you..I think..I would have to say something to them..and my mouth..might draw the wrong attention..in a store..it took me a long time to get to that point..I made a tshirt..for myself..to wear sometimes..with a arrow on my belly..pointing upwards...to my heart..saying my hearts in here!

I got even more looks the day I had the guts to wear it..so tucked it away..smiles...

How I got started is a long journey of body mind and soul..but where I actually started eating right a few weeks ago..it started with one meal..just one meal..I promised myself that I am going to do this one meal right..and that if I never..I was going to do the next one right..but that I was not going to let myself forget..that I wanted to do it right..for the first 2 days..I did okay..for the third..day..okay until late in the evening..when I went and ate not one..not two but three hamburgers..well that was it..now I gave myself a good talking to..dont bruise yourself up over it..Joanne and a friend said yeah ..your doing great..only once in three days..now..next meal ..get back at it again..

I did three more days of good eating..was starting to actually feel full..on my salad..and then had to learn..that I did not need to clean off my plate..that was something my grandmother made us do before we could leave the table..anyone else with a granny like that? I use a med size pasta bowl..for 3 years now as my plate..a  change I made..several years ago..so I asked myself..what to do with this food still in my bowl..your not supposed to eat if you are full..and I was full and still had..1/4 of the bowl..left...I put it aside..but felt a little tug inside me..thinking I needed to clean off my blowl..quickly gave it to the mutt...who thinks he is starving since I have been doing this..an has even learned to love salad...then the next time I had salad..I took a smaller bowl..so I did not have to deal with the clean your plate off feeling..

you son is two and ahalf years old..my boy..is almost 13..for years my hubby and child had no mother..because I was asleep from mixed type sleep apnea(both obstructive and central) during that time..I gained over 100 pds untop of my already over 200 body...when I see the love he has for me..I am reassured..that even though..there was many things that I could not do..there was many things I did..you to are doing all you can..but like you..I want to be able to do more..

I really miss dancing..walking..but dancing mostly and wearing a dress...and sandals..I long to be able to do things for my husband..I cant do..

When I ended up in icu about 3 years ago..somehow I realized that God had given me another chance..and despite so  many challenges..I started by putting myself in counselling..and changing my plate..and switching to diet drinks..small changes but changes all the same..then came..the balanceing of carb..I am a type two diabetic..and its like being allergic to everything you have ever eaten or done..when you are first faced with it..through the past few years..I have made little changes each week..but with failing mobility..still never lost weight..potion control...was always still a challenge..even though I had switched to a different plate..it was what I was putting in it..that still was not helping me..

it the getting round to it that is the hardest challenge of all..and if there was a magic button for that..none of us would be over weight..I believe many of us know how to eat right..what the right foods are..it just that we cant get around to it..(my mom used to say I needed a roundtooit button..) for me it started with one meal..for you maybe something else will start ..I am here if you need to talk..I still suffer from some mental impairment from my years of undiagnosied sleep apnea..which effects my short term memory loss so it may take me awhile..to remember names ...

do the site have a chat feature..I have not fully  looked through everything yet..

Let me know how you are doing..Joanne

Shannon, talking to others is a HUGE step in the right direction.  We have all been there and know the feeling.  I had professional pictures made last November and am ashamed of how I look.  I knew I was big and the photographer did the best she could but.....Fat is fat.  I, like you, have a young child that I want to be around for to teach him all the wonders of this earth.  We can do it with each other's help.  This is an awesome site and there are wonderful people here.

Original Post by raggettyjoanne:

Ii am trying when that feeling comes to want to eat the wrong thing to be prepared for it..it took me two years to save the money for a treadmill so that I could start a special program..and its finally here..and today..I lasted two minutes instead of the one I had planned..two minutes will be laughable to many people but to me..it is where I have to start..

several years ago, I was doing this..started of 1 minute 6 times a day...and graduated up to 6 minutes 6 times a day..when my treadmill broke and could not be repaired..I needed the support of the treadmill..to help me walk..to walk outdoors..I would need a walker..it took 7 months to get through the medical system..for it to come..in that length of time..I lost a considerable amount of mobility ..and ended up in worst shape then I was before..but I am back at it..determined..and I never gave up believing..I would..

Joanne -

Way to go getting back on the treadmill!  You know, I take things one minute at a time.   Some days are a series of what I call One Minute Victories.   You'll be in my prayers.

Anyway, I don't know you really but you've inspired me so thank you.

Other topics:

I'm convinced that weight discrimation is the last accepted prejudice.   I've even seen it in health professionals. 

I didn't realize that I'm an emotional eater until a couple weeks ago.  I had been doing really well and then something upset me.  I had to fight the urge to eat (even though I wasn't hungry) all day.  Finally, I got on the treadmill and walked out my frustration instead of keeping it inside.  Food is an addiction for me and it's so hard to fight an addiction by using the "drug" in moderation.   

Speaking of weight descriminatin, I worked in a bank and girls who had less experience than I did, were younger and thinner than I was were hired at a higher salary than I made working there 5 years...needless to say, I took my experience and knowledge to another employer!

Also, as big as I am, people seem to "look right through me", as if I'm not even there...I'm so tired of that!!

I really am enjoying this board, even though I don't get to log on often...thanks to all for sharing!!

Hi, I'm almost 50 yrs old and have had to deal with "fat hate" from society my whole life.  What I've learnt is that no one is better than you - as a matter of fact, I've learned that I'm work harder than most, so enough about how lazy fat people are.  I also will never let people make me feel like crap about myself - I have in the past and have grown a thick skin.  I believe that this is one of the advantages of growing old - you no longer put much value in other people's opinion - you discover that you have your own.   You know the old saying "The more people I meet the more I love dogs!"  In my case that would be animals in general.  Therefor I am determined to lose the weight so that I can do more with animals and less with people.  This may sound like I'm a bitter person, but I'm really not - I 'm just not going to allow the human race bring me down and now heal myself from the inhuman treatment towards anyone who is overweight.  We are all worth the effort to improve our health - physical and mental and this is what I am striving for.  Best of luck to everyone!

Original Post by jpoage:

Original Post by raggettyjoanne:

Ii am trying when that feeling comes to want to eat the wrong thing to be prepared for it..it took me two years to save the money for a treadmill so that I could start a special program..and its finally here..and today..I lasted two minutes instead of the one I had planned..two minutes will be laughable to many people but to me..it is where I have to start..

several years ago, I was doing this..started of 1 minute 6 times a day...and graduated up to 6 minutes 6 times a day..when my treadmill broke and could not be repaired..I needed the support of the treadmill..to help me walk..to walk outdoors..I would need a walker..it took 7 months to get through the medical system..for it to come..in that length of time..I lost a considerable amount of mobility ..and ended up in worst shape then I was before..but I am back at it..determined..and I never gave up believing..I would..

Joanne -

Way to go getting back on the treadmill!  You know, I take things one minute at a time.   Some days are a series of what I call One Minute Victories.   You'll be in my prayers.

Anyway, I don't know you really but you've inspired me so thank you.

Other topics:

I'm convinced that weight discrimation is the last accepted prejudice.   I've even seen it in health professionals. 

I didn't realize that I'm an emotional eater until a couple weeks ago.  I had been doing really well and then something upset me.  I had to fight the urge to eat (even though I wasn't hungry) all day.  Finally, I got on the treadmill and walked out my frustration instead of keeping it inside.  Food is an addiction for me and it's so hard to fight an addiction by using the "drug" in moderation.   

jpoage thank you for your encouragement, and prayers...in my heart I know that although I am feeling confident today..that when that emotion hits..and sometimes it may even be hidden deep and I dont know why, I may very well respond by wanting to overeat..I am hoping I can retrain that mentality in me..and be able to find enough control at that moment..to head to the treadmill...and that if ..I can do that..each time in no time..I should be able to convince this part of me that emotionally turns to food..to run, walk...and move instead..I like what you said about it being one minute miracles..that is how it is..a minute out of time..keep getting back up and putting yourself back..on the wagon..eventually your going to figure out how not to fall..!

after a week into this..I had a very bad 1st time ever panic attack..and I am convinced that it was related to..some hidden fears..and came about because I did not grab food like I normally would be doing..

you so right in saying..weight discrimation is the last accepted prejudice...right down to the fact that we are denied surgery for a condition that is killing us..I told one dr..I was dealing with...if I had any other illness that was destroying my body like my weight was..that was painfully and slowly killing me..and all I needed was surgery on my stomach it would happen..but that because my problem was obesity, I will be left to suffer, and eventually die..if I can't beat the complexity of it..my experiences health professionals are the worst..I worked in a health care clinic..side by side..listened to things..as though I was never there..

kaneboy I hear you..I to am approaching 50 .

You are all such wonderful inspiration..we are worth it ..and our health..mentally and physically..is what I am striving for too...Best Wishes everyone so nice to meet you all..and yep..I got right back on that treadmill again today..and I dont feel so lonely with all this anymore..what a nice group of people..thank  you..

Wow, you folks are inspiring.  I look forward to keeping up with you on how things are going.

I don't agree that fat people like me are the last group to face prejudice.  I also hear things like: If the homeless person would just get a job, if the drunk would just quit drinking, if that person with asthma would just quit smoking, if that guy would just spend more time with his family...

I think it's human nature to evaluate and judge.  We humans have to be intentional about empathizing--walking a mile in the shoes of the other. 

IMO, anyway.

Keep on keepin' on!

very good point mamarose..sorry I forgot that when speaking and shouldnt have..thank you for reminding me..mankind can be it's own worst enemy and best friend. Joanne

Thank you so much for the response. I really struggled last night. I took two of my girls shopping for a fancy dress because one of my girls is competing in a talent show next weekend of course I made the mistake of standing in front of the mirror as I turned around there it was huge I couldn't believe it was mine. At what point did it get that big I wanted to cry!

So today I brought my work out band to work and I am going to try and use it when know one is in the office which is quit often. I figure every little bit helps. Wish me luck I don't want to drop the ball on this one. I am so excited and scared with this new website and I am sure that you will see which one I am in when I write that is why my screen name is jst_warningu .

I do love life and love the thought of meeting and talking with those that I can relate to I am in  need of a few good friends.

Today is my new beginning lets do it together.

Shannon - here are a few more office workout tips for you since you are there by yourself often.  Jog to the fax machine, copier, printer, whatever and then jog in place while your document job finishes.  I used to do that in a very crowded office.  They thought that I had screws lose (which I do, by the way) but got used to it.  Also, sit up straight in your chair ALL THE TIME.  Strenghtens ab and back muscles besides being good for posture.  Do leg lifts, sitting in your chair, with your purse, in reps of 10 to start with.  Do it as many times as you can during the day.  Will help strenghten your leg muscles for walking.  Lastly, walk around your parking lot or building or, if you have time, the block while at lunch.  I gave up all those wonderful exercise opportunities to stay at home with my 2 year old - my new form of exercise.

Thank you so much I will start adding those as well. I am up for anything at this point. I to have a two year old at home, they are so much fun. I wish that I were able to stay home with him and just love him but do to the fact that my husband is disabled I need to work. But since I have started working out in small ways while I am at work it gives me more time when I get home to play with my little man.

Thanks again for the great ideas!!!!

Well this is just amazing.  I just joined this thing and was thinking that I just wouldn't comunicate with others because I was pretty much alone in my feelings.  Goodness Me!!  I have just read everything I have ever thought.  I am 58 and was thin until I reached the age of 40.  Holy cow.  All of a sudden the weight just crept up on me.  I am still a very confident person but believe me when I tell you that the looks and the talking behind ones hand is just impossible to ignore.  I have the added benefit of a son who is so ashamed of me that he thought about not inviting me to his wedding.  I have not spoken to him for 2 years because his new wife is so appauled.  Well I am not doing this thing for him or his wife.  I am doing this for me.  I am tired of dropping something on the floor of the car and having to climb out to get it.  I went with my husband to his high school reunion.  Everyone there was thin.  I have made jokes about being a big nasty redhead for years.  The pain is something that I keep to myself.  Now I hear every bit of my pain coming from complete strangers.  Thank you a thousand times for sharing our story.