Do you owe it to your spouse to stay fit?

Do you think you owe it to your spouse to stay in good shape?  Or do you feel the vows "for better or for worse" and "for thick and for thin" (sometimes literally!) absolve you of that responsibility? 

Your spouse should love you unconditionally, but is unconditional love the same as attraction? Is it fair to, in a sense, "bait and switch" and go from someone attractive to someone who no longer cares?  But at what point does it change from your appearance being a gift to your spouse to a burden and obligation and causing resentment? 

What experiences have you had in this arena?  I can see both points of view, but I am curious about others' feelings on it.

FIRST you owe it to yourself.  Then I believe that in a good partnership, you each should want what's best for the other - physical and mental good health.  Sharing healthy goals, encouraging good habits, supporting healthy choices.

Interesting question.  I would say definitely being healthy, whereas looking good can be pretty subjective. But then sometimes I feel as if having to 'be' something or another for your partner, starts to borderline on some sort of ownership.

I believe being with someone is about the willingness to share your life with each other, not believing that you have some obligatory rights or ownership over that person. Each partner is responsible for their own health & even sexuality (just as another example).

But just like with any relationship there has to be a give & take, and I would have to ask myself seriously why I wouldn't want my SO to find me attractive. Or why I wouldn't want to have to work on any part of a relationship. Any relationship requires some sort of work & growing together.

I wouldn't go so far as to say we "owe it to them". But speaking personally, I would want to be healthy and look and feel my best. If I do, it helps both of us.

i think its in your best interest to stay fit and healthy for yourself and your SO. it certainly can help keep the sexual component alive and well and i think thats vital to a healthy marriage and keeping the lines of commnication open. to me, the sexual relationship is a pretty good indicator of the rest of the relationship. its all about respect...and hey! its a 2-way street!

i have to work hard to keep my figure at 46...mostly for me, but i want my bf's eyes on me! i know his eyes and thoughts will wander and hey thats fine, as long as thats the only part of him thats wandering! my bf has lost 40 lbs (gut) since weve met, hes pretty much on the same page. we want to look good for each other! no frumpin!

I don't think you owe it to your spouse to stay fit as much as to the very vows you made. For better or worse, for thick or thin, in my opinion, infers you are going to work through all situations with this person. If health and fitness has become the current "for better or for worse" issue then I would take the necessary measures to fix.

I think a person should stay fit more for the marriage itself. I think that for better or for worse is more applicable in situations, events, etc we cannot change. Staying fit and healthy is something within our grasp, we can change our fitness level. If it's in grasp and we have the ability to do it, becoming/staying fit should be something we strive to attain.

I'm speaking as guy who wouldnt want to get married and have his wife balloon and then say "for better or for worse." It's not fair to use it a reason why you shouldn't get in shape...

Solar....

It is an interesting question.  The idea that one should stay fit "for the marriage" seems sound.  But then there are the people who demand that the spouse "never gain weight". 

There was a guy a while back who demanded that there was a clause in the pre-nup that his wife could never gain more than 5 lbs while married to him.  Obviously that is offensive in the extreme.  So where does one draw the line from "staying fit for the marriage" and accepting pre-nup clauses? 

What happens in the marriage if one of them has to take medication that causes weight gain?  I had to take steroids and that caused a 20lbs weight gain through no fault of my own.  For some women PCOS might also pose a problem.  Other women struggle with thyroid disorders.

I think one should stay fit for oneself but there is too much life that is not controlable to say that one should "stay fit for the marriage".  That adds another level of pressure that may not be fair to either partner.

Original Post by madamq:

There was a guy a while back who demanded that there was a clause in the pre-nup that his wife could never gain more than 5 lbs while married to him.  Obviously that is offensive in the extreme.  So where does one draw the line from "staying fit for the marriage" and accepting pre-nup clauses? 

when one is allowed to control themselves and not expected to sign a weight contract. this is an entirely different issue. manipulation by force doesnt really signify a healthy relationship. and we are talking about healthy relationships right?

geez...what a control freak! did she sign it? if she was dumb enough to sign it i think she deserves the ****.

I want myself and my hubby to be a healthy weight - it's just what's best for the both of us.  We want to be healthy for each other and live long lives.  I got him started to the gym when we met -he's lost 32lbs and feels great!  I cook healthy meals and he's eating much more healthy food than before we met.  It seems that one would want their partner/spouse to look and feel their best.  I don't think this a matter of "controlling" - just caring.

I won't lie, I would be disappointed if my husband gained a large amount of weight due to excess (not what would be considered a normal part of aging, but what would come from extreme overeating and complete lack of exercise) -- AND was content with the change.  It would send me the message that he didn't really care anymore about himself and, therefore, our relationship.  It's not about attractiveness, it's about self-respect and self-control.

Is there such a thing as uncondition love? If my husband decided to smoke crack would I stick by his side . I understand thats a little extreme but I belive we all have conditions. People take vows for better or worse but look at the divorce rate.

I think you owe it to your spouse to do your best to be around for a good long time.  That generally necessitates staying in a healthy weight range, if possible, but of course there are good reasons why that might be difficult or even impossible.  But it also means taking care of yourself so that you are and remain as healthy as you can be.

It is an obligation that extends to your kids as well.

Quote: You must love yourself before anyone else can love you.

I think that if a spouse were to gain a lot of weight over a shorter amount of time, with no reasons (such as medical reasons, hormonal reasons, etc.) except overeating and lack of activity, that person has stopped caring and does not love themself as much as they should. If this happens, I believe it is up to the other spouse to try and encourage them to start caring for themselves again. Personally, I think it would be selfish of a husband to eat cheeseburgers and fries every day, die at an early age, and leave his spouse behind (possibly with kids) because he would not make an effort to change.

If you are at a dangerously unhealthy weight and sedentary lifestyle that is dangerous to your health, you are not "caring" for your other spouse as you should. Because to better yourself is to better your spouse. Your spouse will be happier if you are healthy and happy than depressed, severely overweight, and unhealthy.

I'm not saying this to be offensive. But I think that, sometimes, people do not realize how much damage and sadness they cause others when they do not care for themselves. Even if you may think, "Hey, it doesn't effect you if I am unhealthy but decide not to improve myself," it does. Ask a 35 year old single mother of four whose husband died of a heart attack due to his unhealthy lifestyle if she feels that he did everything he could for himself, and essentially, her.

this is a trick question, right?

I don't owe it to my husband to stay fit and he doesn't owe it to me.  But we do owe it to eachother, and ourselves, to stay healthy.  If that means losing weight, then so be it.

Alex had gained a lot of weight after not working for about six months, getting used to having good food and endless beers around.  I don't mind him being a little squishier.  But I did mind him getting out of breath to get off the sofa and get a beer from the kitchen.  His weight was centered around his middle and the placement along with the extra weight made it hard for him to do normal physical activities. 

I pleaded with him for about three weeks to become more active, not necessarily lose weight.  Just get used to the activity again.  And when he was looking through the pictures I took when we were opening presents, and tried on the large Jack Daniels shirt I got him (he even commented that I probably should've gotten a large instead of a medium, and I told him I did), he realised how much weight he'd gained.  We bought a scale the next day and he was shocked to see he'd gained about forty pounds.

Alex has cut back on the alcohol consumption tremendously.  He's switched from regular soda to diet and has stopped ordering a value meal with an extra goodie or two from the fast food restaurants.  He used to two thirds of a pizza in one sitting, followed by breadsticks and a two litre of soda just because it was there and tasted good.  Now he puts the extra in the fridge to have for another meal.  He's also gotten up and active and walks, runs, or bicycles regularly.

So in Alex's case, it was weight related that his health was lacking.  Even with my added... size?  'Cause I haven't gained a damned pound yet... I owe it to Alex to keep active instead of becoming a pregnant sloth.  It's too easy to fall into the position he'd fallen in to over the winter, and I'd hate to ever be out of breath from walking to the kitchen to get a pickle.  Which is why, as much as sometimes it's such a bitch to get out of bed, I still make Alex take me to the park for a walk around the trail.

No, you don't owe it to your spouse.

And your spouse doesn't owe you unconditional love.

Nobody loves anyone unconditionally.

You owe it to yourself to be able to look inn the mirror and say wow I am SEXY. Also lets face it we are commoditys, shopping items people shop out a mate based on many traits and the physical counts.

Totally agree with CD :] When weight affects your health, then you need to do something about it. I would be upset if my man gained weight to the point that I could tell it was negatively impacting his health, mobility, whatever. And I would never want to gain so much weight that it would affect me negatively either. We owe it to ourselves and to each other to always be healthy enough to be able to protect and help each other in the event of a zombie apocalypse.

ETA: Or a velociraptor attack.

Original Post by hayleymajayley:

Totally agree with CD :] When weight affects your health, then you need to do something about it. I would be upset if my man gained weight to the point that I could tell it was negatively impacting his health, mobility, whatever. And I would never want to gain so much weight that it would affect me negatively either. We owe it to ourselves and to each other to always be healthy enough to be able to protect and help each other in the event of a zombie apocalypse.

Precisely! :)

I think that unconditional love DOES exist, but there is a difference between unconditional love and staying with someone destructive.  For instance, a child still loves their mother even if the mother beats them.  They might be angry and confused, but there is still love.  I would still love my husband if he cheated on me, though I might not stay with him.  I might not want to love him, but I still would. 

Yes, although you owe it to yourself first, as others have said. 

First, let's get the superficial reasons out of the way.  I believe that it is important to keep up a reasonable level of attractiveness once you are married.  Showing your spouse that you care about whether or not they find you physically attractive shows a certain respect.  I take great care in getting ready to go anywhere because I want my husband to feel proud that I am his wife.  He takes care to look his best because I know he wants me to be proud to show him off as my husband.  I really don't understand people who think that, once the ring is on and the vows are said, it's okay to wear track pants, big T-shirts, and no make-up all the time or whatever (sometimes is okay, of course).  Physical attraction is an important part of marriage (for most people).  I think this applies no matter what standard of beauty you tend to conform to. 

As far as the health aspect, I definitely feel that keeping fit is something you should do for yourself and your spouse.  You got married because you both wanted to spend a long and happy life together.  I don't believe it is fair at all to put yourself at risk of a heart attack or other serious health problem, by eating the wrong foods and never exercising, that could leave you either being a "burden" on your spouse or leave them widowed.  Sure, life happens, and sometimes we can't help these things, BUT doing what you can to prevent these types of things from happening is important.

And, just to clarify, since this could be a controversial topic, I am definitely talking about PREVENTABLE stuff.  If you have to take medication or are in an accident and end up gaining weight or in need of extra care that's totally different.  But, if you are able, I believe that it is important to do what you can to maintain good physical health. 

I truly don't belive that you can truly respect and love another person until you first respect and love yourself.  Part of loving yourself is doing what you can to keep yourself healthy.