Oyy....okay.

Hey you guys,

Yeah, it's me again. I really hope you're not getting sick of me being around here. :/

So I was doing okay over Christmas break, I got up to a healthy weight (140 at 5'9"), and was maintaining, trying to get some control over my B/P habits at this comfortable weight. I came back down to my university in a good mindset, and went a few good weeks what I would have considered a binge.

And then my weight dropped again.

I haven't been to my nutritionist yet -officially- this semester, so I don't really have an accurate scale to measure where I'm at. The one at the gym (which varies, and usually tends to report a little high) is saying I'm around 135 in gym clothes...which means I'm probably somewhere around 133 again.

Annnd I'm really sick of self-diagnosing. I guess this is just one of my "waiting in the hallway" posts again, but I really need you guys' encouragement now more than ever. I'm trying to get out of the ED mindset. Yesterday I saw my counselor, and after that I was just like "You know what? **** restricting, I'm gonna eat what I feel like today". And I did. I had some treats, and all of them were planned and felt respectively spaced out. I went to the gym for an hour, didn't overdo it, came home, went out...everything was fine. I was just in the mindset I was gonna have a higher calorie day. I guess my downfall was I felt kinda like I had to JUSTIFY what I was eating, i.e. "treating myself", it because I might need to gain weight anyway. That's another thing that kills me...is this "might". Everything's just so unsure right now. I had a whole hormonal panel this past x-mas break (literally...6 vials of blood. not effing fun). And all of the tests came back inconclusive. According to my doctors, they all freaking say I should be normal. I should be having my period. But I'm not. And they referred me on to an OB-GYN annnnddd....argh. It's just a frustrating wait/process. It's coming up on 2 years that I haven't menstruated, and it really kinda scares me.

Anyway, moving on in my narration (haha) yesterday I didn't engage in any binge-like behaviors until AFTER I went to bed. This has been a trouble spot for me (I've gotten this tendency to wake up about an hour-2 hours after I go to bed and eat...even if I've had enough calories for the day. sometime I can stop myself, sometimes I can't) Annd I got up and...bing...oh wait, I don't want lala to kill me (<3)...ate respectively more than I wanted.

Annnnd I'm just struggling with that today. It's the same thing, if any of you know my past posts...I'm mentally struggling with the fact that my BMI is not as low as a lot of other weight gainers. And I can cognate that I have a lot of muscle tone/some loose skin, so BMI isn't accurate for me...but at the same time it's REALLY hard to be easy on myself.

I ended up having something ridiculous like 3,600 calories yesterday (not including activity). I haven't restricted today, but ED's giving me one HELL of a fight. I guess I just need some support to eat/act normally today. My mom and boyfriend are coming today, and I just want to be in a good mental state for them, but I'm so scared. Can someone just give me a good kick to the rear and get me out of this funk where I'm thinking I don't deserve to gain weight just cause I don't look emaciated? I don't know how to put it any softer than that. :/

Thanks,

Eliza. <3

I believe what you did yesterday is called "eating intuitively". Well done.

I'm not being sarcastic. You ate how you WANTED to eat and this does not mean you now need to "make up" for anything today.

The compulsively waking up two hours after going to sleep is a little odd. If you're doing it, even if you've eaten well in the day, evaluate if you are getting enough of all the food groups and of nutrients in your diet. If you are, perhaps you should try speaking to a doctor. o_O If your period still isn't back, particularly - are you getting enough fats? As in, 30% of your calories from fat?

But please, don't do anything silly today like restrict or "compensate". You do not need to. Today is a day of love even if it's commerical and that includes loving yourself :] LOL cornball

Seriously, though. This is your ED just trying to dig at you. The pair of you need to divorce. </3

I just want to say, congratulations in taking the huge step in gaining weight. It is definatley a scary yet rewarding journey.

Your body deserves everything you decide to consume. You should never feel the desire to restrict or compensate for the calories you consume. Your here to gain to a healthy weight, and no matter how it gets done, its not a choice its a MUST! You deserve to be happy, healthy and motivated.

I agree with lala's post above. Try to evaluate your overall meal plan during the day and ensure that you are getting enough of the essential vitamins and minerals. You are most likely going to find out you are consuming to many carbs and not enough proteins and fats. You may also find out that you may be having your last meal too early before your bed time, which makes you want to wake up and munch on something as your body signal is telling you your hungry. Everybody has different calorie needs, and you may find that the calories you are consuming is not enough. Many weight gainers find they need atleast 4000 calories + for weight gain. This is completley normal.

Your ED wants you to feel this way. Fight the urges and give it a good kick in the butt. Enjoy a piece of chocolate, sip a milkshake or have a bag of lollies once in a while. You dont need to be healthy 100% of the time, you deserve a treat just like everybody else. Its just human.

Do this for yourself. Your life. Your health. You may not appear sick on the outside, but theres a lot going on inside you cannot see. Not only am i here for your support but so are many others on here.

Good luck x0x