pains of love - Does it go away?

Hello. It is quite strange for me to actually post this but I figured its something I would really love some input on seeing as its probably the worst thing that I have felt so far. So i'll begin immediately.

Its been a while since i broke up with my girlfriend (end of march). The thing is that on my behalf there was love involved and therefore the "pain" carries on with me to this day. Let me be a bit more specific in order to encompas the story. I met this girl out of the blue at a friends house in London the right around christmas time 2003. You can call it love at first sight. The thing is, that for christmas I went up north but decided to go back to London for the new years in order to see if I can meet up with this girl again. There were plans being made for New years night and she did confirm she was going (to my friend), so I was quite excited. The thing was that something urgent came up and I had to leave immediately to Switzerland (by car) and thus passing New Years alone in Paris besides the Tour Eiffel.

The thing is that I had lost all contact then and the only thing I knew about her was her first name. In the meantime I only dreamt of her as being the one that got away. A sort of cinderella if you will. She had this sort of greek/arabic look to her which kept me in awe and afterwards whoever I was with was with, no matter how much I may have liked them, when we finished for some reason or another it never hurt me as much because I felt to myself that there was one girl out there who I really wanted to be with.

Five years later in Santiago, Chile. I made a small party in my house for the new year (this past one) and a friend came and along with her came none other than this girl....! It seemed like something out of a novel. The new years which could not be came five years after on the other hemesphere. Well, we hit it of quite well and then started seeing ourselves quite often (if not every day).. till we had our first fight (or she had it) at the end of the month. Soon after she went to europe for a bit more than a month yet while there she began writing messages on her cel phone to me every few hours and then I started calling her to her hotel rooms almost every night so things went back to being ok. When she returned we hit it of nicely again.. till at the end she herself profesed her love (which was a lie in my opinion) but alas I was quite happy. But at the end of march we broke up. She was annoyed for some reason and kept on saying that she didnt want to hurt me (I think of course this meant that she knew how much she meant to me but wasnt really satisfied with me so if she broke up, it would litteraly kill me). The last night I saw her I asked her why has this come to be. She responed that she was someone who was practical and that I was someone who was to enamoured and an idealist, so basically I was not dependable. Fair enough. With all the effort I told her that we should stope seing each other since she was not happy with me and to that point it ended.

Yet this hurt me still. I kept thinking about her. I feel that I would have happily married her but alas things did not work out. A few weeks ago on facebook I then saw a picture of her making out with another guy. This litteraly pierced me so deeply that I ran out of breath. That day I chain smoked like never before.. and just drowned myself in sorrow.

The thing is that now I see that it was not meant to be. I gave her all of myself and she just took it from me. I even cut my dreadlocks since she did not like them :p Anyhow I know that she is not the right girl for me. No one who would make you suffer like this is.. but alas Love doesnt follow practicality. It has a will of its own. So till this day I dream about her (either good dreams or the ones which wake me up with anger). When I think about her lies it enfuriates me. When I think about her with someone else as she was with me... it tears me apart. Its as if she had injected me a corrosive acid which is constantly burning within me and that pain reminds me of her.

In the end I think Cat Stevens song, "The first cut is the deepest" best describes my problem.

"I would have given you all of my heart
but there's someone who's torn it apart
and she's taking almost all that I've got
but if you want, I'll try to love again
baby I'll try to love again but I know..."

=)

Now my question to any and all of you who have more experience and may have been unfortunate enough to go through such an intense heartbreak. Does one ever stop loving those who at one point they did love? And does one ever truly love again in the same or stronger way than they did to their previous love.. considering what one had initially was truly love?

I thank you all before hand since mabye this was just a hastle to read through... but thank you. Its just something which has truly had me down all these past couple of months. I am not the same as I used to be because of it.

No. Never.

But it gets easier. and becomes a dull ache from time to time instead of a piercing wrenching feeling.

*sigh*

After breaking up with the love of my life, it took me the entire summer before I could even look at a guy. And it took a year and a half of me completely cutting my ex off (no meeting, calling or even online interracting) before I felt like whatever he did, he couldn`t hurt me anymore.

It helps that I have an overall poor memory and tend to not remember most details, so for you it might be more, or less.. but my opinion is that time does heal all wounds. And you might be better off not 'stalking' her online, as this can really hinder your progress - you`ve already learned that lesson the hard way, I guess. You`re not the only one. :)

Mean as it may sound, the sooner you realize there`s plenty of fish in the sea and go for a rebound, the better. We have a saying in Romanian, a poor translation would be 'always count on a nail to remove a nail' - meaning, some new romantic feelings should help erase old ones.

crazydiamondchrysalis: Yep thats what it feels like. As if where fire once burned, ashes will always remain.

ily: You hit the one spot which I was looking for. Yes, there must indeed be more fish out there. But as you say im in that period in which I seem to have lost all interest. As oposed to you I have the sharpest memory when involving small things. For example what was the first drink we shared, the song we heard, the places where we went to eat, etc. This of course sucks seeing as so many things end up reminding me of her. But alas you said it best. Time cures what other things cannot. In that time I guess im profiting on changing my lifestyle. Hahaha, I thought that was a Chilean saying but I guess its not.. "un clavo saca otro clavo". But yes, it would be nice to fall in love again quickly.. even if it doesnt work aout, but at least to prove that love does come again and thus if you loose it, not to believe its the end of the world.

every now and then I smell the summer night air or feel the heavy humid air brush my skin and it reminds me of that time - clearly. Other smells, songs, sometimes a look on someones face - and it sucker punches me.

but I recover quickly now. I remember it for the good times and let it go. I won't say it doesn't hurt. But its seldom. couple times a year maybe.

I think once you fall in love with someone you will always love that person in one way or another. 

You must move on.  It was not meant to be.  March was not that long ago.  I am sure it will take some time to get over her.  I think you should call up some friends, go out, have fun, keep busy.  Don't even look her up, you will only get hurt.

I have been married for 9 years.  I have been together with this man for 12 years.  Previous to him I had several close relationships that I thought were love.  They may have been.  I truly love my husband and hope that we will always be together.  I believe that God has a plan for me and everyone else.  If it doesn't work out with one person it will with another.  There is always other love out there.  I think God decided that this woman was not for you.  You will find another and maybe another.  In the end you will be with the one you were meant to be with.  Good Luck! 

I forgot to mention, since your ex turned out to be a bitch, just like mine turned out to be a bastard, it helps to realize and keep reminding yourself that you actually loved an image of the person which is far from the real them. (I know, I know, at some level or another, you always love images, but true pain comes only when the fiction has few things in common with reality)

And funny that you should say right now you can focus on being healthy.. I also embraced this new lifestyle after my break-up. It`s almost like subconsciously I thought I wasn`t good enough and needed improvement. We seem to be very much alike in this. :) The good news is that since then my self confidence has skyrocketed from an all-time low to an all-time high. And it only took, what, 2 years? Psh. xD Good things lie ahead, my friend.

I think you have to give yourself time to morn really. The death of that relationship.

It took me over almost 3 years to get over my first love, and by get over I mean move on from. I was even the one who broke up with him.

But I still have a love for him, even if things were pretty angry between us for a while after. Some things still remind me of him. Especially his smell. I have felt I smelled his sent maybe 3 times since we broke up (umm, 1997). It's usually when I pass through a heavily populated area and it's funny cause I always look for him. Even though I know it wouldn't be him.

I have been inlove since than, but it has always been different. And he's the one that has stayed in my mind the longest and strongest I guess. Even though I was really young, it still hurt me very bad. I think some of the memories/feelings I have is from that intense pain I suffered. It kind of changes you forever.

"It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone." Rose Kennedy

 

I hope sharing this quote with you helps a little. There are a lot of people that share your frustration. You may have noticed in other stories time was essential. It's important to give yourself time to build new scar tissue. The circumstances in others stories of pain may differ. The importance of giving themselves time throughout the healing process remains the same though.

Eventually... There will be enough built up that you won't feel so much pain. :)

Pictures in the Smoke by Dorothy Parker

Oh, gallant was the first love, and glittering and fine;
The second love was water, in a clear white cup;
The third love was his, and the fourth was mine;
And after that, I always get them all mixed up.

No.  It never goes away fully.  But it does dissipate and allows you to move on.  But the ache is always there; sometimes more dull than others-  some good days, some bad.

Aw...I didn't know guys could be like that....

Anyways, this is why I don't do relationships...
Well..I don't get emotionally invested in them.

wow. I am deeply gratified at the amount of input you have give me. Somewhat sorry though to see that so many of you have gone through the same.. but at least its somewhat appeasing to know that I am not alone. What a tedious buisness this thing called "love" is. I know of no other thing with such a sharp double bladed edge. The poem posted by clharr was a bit refreshing =) Again. thank you all very much and im sorry to have carried you along such a dense topic. But for that... (not to seem overly repetative), I thank you.

As to me.. I'll keep on going. It may take a while and if not completely out of my head at least the hopes of finding another love to cover the previous one seems like a reasonable enough option.

I have had this one poem roaming about in my head which has also given me a faint hope of truth in it. The translation would be something like:

In losing you we both lost
myself because you were the one I loved most
and you because I was the one who loved you the most
but between us, you lost more than I
because I may love another as I loved you
but no one with love you as I loved you

-Ernesto Cardenal

please ignore the all the sudden afemeninity on my behalf.. this topic just brings out the worse in me :p Again. thank you.