Am I just being paranoid regarding my partner's past? [Adults Only]

So my bf is the love of my life. Now I don't know if it's my conservatism/prudeness or just my insecurity that's getting in the way but here, let me give you some background info:

My bf and I are the type that give our whole hearts in a relationship. We were both heartbroken by our ex's. Just for stats, we're both 22 yo and soon-to-be college grads. I have only had one serious relationship in the past (who I have lost my virginity to.. so my bf right now is only my second partner). In the beginning of the relationship, I was surprised to find out that my bf had 6 partners total, and only two of whom were from serious relationships. I was surprised in the sense that he's not the flirtatious or a guy that would seem to have much of a relationship past (He's soft-spoken, genuine, and shy). The other four sexual encounters were "flings". Apparently, his first love was in 9th grade and she ended up cheating on him with his friend. Subsequently, he went through depression and his way of coping was trying to forget her, so he had 4 flings until senior year. He admitted to me that he acted stupidly in coping with his heartbreak, therefore, after his second relationship, where the gf cheated on him again (again with his friend) he didn't make the same mistake by sleeping around to fill that void in his heart.

I know the past is in the past and I completely trust my bf, I still get disturbed and bothered when I think of my man having been attracted enough to have slept with 4 girls. I am the type that must really truly love the other person to give my body. Maybe this is just a difference between men and women's physiology? Or am I just a prude? There are days when I get bothered by this (I already talked about it with my bf) when I picture him having slept with 4 other girls...

I'm pretty sure I'm being prude about this. So what I am asking from you guys is your take on WHY I shouldn't dwell so much on the past.

p.s. we've both been tested. we're clean.

I'd actually say it sounds like your b/f is a run of the mill guy. Doesn't seem like he was out trying to chase tail....just that he didn't have a serious relationship w each and every person.

I'm 28.....and at 22 I myself had had serious relationships and flings. I don't think it's a diff btween men and women, I think its that people go through different stages in their lives and come from different places. When I had my flings, it was always following a bad breakup. Maybe it's just that he was misguided; looking for comfort physically. I don't think that makes him a bad guy, or a guy that you have to worry about a colored past. If he's been open and honest w you about, then forget whoever came before you and work on your future. Would you have the same issues if all 6 partners were relationships?

I don't ask anymore about past sexual relationships above and beyond what's important (ie, clean and tested), and I don't want to be asked....partly cuz I don't want to know, partly cuz I get jealous thinking about my guy w someone else, and partly cuz I don't want to have to divulge. People go through things in their life that they aren't always proud of, but can't change! Sounds like you have a good guy!

Original Post by happinesswhereartthou:

So what I am asking from you guys is your take on WHY I shouldn't dwell so much on the past.

...Because there is nothing you can do about it.  You can't undo the past - you can't change the past.

 

 

I can totally relate!  I have only been in one real serious relationship prior to  my boyfriend now, and I can also count my sexual partners in two breaths.  My boyfriend's list is slightly longer, and I think it's normal to get a little jealous over the thought of him being with other girls.  I'm super prude too, better yet, let's call it moral.  I'm so prude/moral we fast forward through the spicy scenes in movies or on demand! lol...

It's important to keep in mind though that he is with you now!  You know how he feels about you and how you feel about him...try not to let the other stuff get in the way.  He was in highschool when you say he slept with the other girls...don't look too much into it, he was very young, and has appearanly learned from his mistake. 

Why? Because he's with you now,not them, and you should focus on the future.

I had an ex who constantly threw my past relationships in my face, convinced I really wanted to be back with them or something. Not only did I not want to focus on that stuff, but it was one of the many things that choked and killed whatever love I might have felt for him from growing. If you want a future with your boyfriend, don't do that sort of thing.

Realistically, you guys aren't kids getting your first crush anymore. Unless you meet someone who is still a virgin, pretty much anyone you get involved with will have had some past relationships/dating experiences by their early 20's, whether it was serious or not. The main thing to think about is that now is his time with you, and those are over.

sounds to me like this guy is a great match for you. he's learned from what he did in the past, and is now trying to live his life the same way you have all along.

as long as your boyfriend is STD free and committed to you, you have nothing to worry about. hanging on to the fact that he had four flings (which in my opinion is a pretty small amount for a guy who lost his virginity in 9th grade) is going to do nothing but damage your relationship.

i think a better question to ask is why you SHOULD dwell on it? what could you gain from dwelling on something that you cannot change? your boyfriend is human and so are you. he's been attracted to women in the past, and he'll be attracted to them in the future. as long as he isn't acting on that, it has nothing to do with the two of you now.

In the medical field, "multiple sex partners" are associated with increased risk (i.e. STIs and such). Ironically enough, the magic number defined as "multiple sex partners" is six. Make sure he gets tested if he hasn't already.

In short, yes.

IMO, Six is not really very high on the "having a past" scale. What matters is that the two of you are committed to each other, now and in the future. You can't control what happened in his life before he met you, and if you focus on his past intently, it will drive him nuts. It doesn't have anything to to with you, or how he feels about you.

I don't think that having multiple partners in a man vs woman thing, I think it's an individual choice. Often is has to do with what you were taught about sexuality. My family and I are not religious folks, and so my outlook on the matter might be quite different from someone who was raised with the abstinence-then-marriage  litany.

In short - if you want to be with this guy and you love him, take him as he is.

If it was six partners in the last six months I'd be seriously worried that I was just going to be fling number seven... but it was three years ago? At your age, a year is a lifetime.

everyone has given great advice so far, he is definitely being honest and that says so much about him right there.

I too have had only 2 boyfriends, both very long relationships, and my current BF has had more ex's than I. It has made me very internally jealous at times imagining his time spent with them, his feelings for them and worrying about their hotness vs mine, but once I examined those thoughts I realized it was all my own insecurities playing destructive tricks on me!

 

He feels close to you and wants to have an honest, trusting, strong relationship with you, the most wonderful person he has ever met, and if that weren't 100% true you wouldn't be with him anymore. That is what I had to do, just understand who he is now and believe we are meant to be together, and that we don't long for the past, only hope for our future.

 

Good luck!

The only risk with flings is possible diseases (afterall, if you are getting together with people like that...chances are they have been getting together with others...and those type too get together with others). But, if he is clean (aids takes up to 6 months after getting infected to show up in a test BTW, but chances are really really slim he has something like that)....then, no real problem.

People have different hangups when it comes to sex. Some cant imagine doing it outside of marriage.... *shrug* I think the important part is just understanding the reasons behind those feelings (such as fear of disease or pregnancy or something else....but just a fear of sex itself is pretty irrational).

Don't forget how many men and women find love after divorce. Their partners have not only slept with other people, but married other people, had children with other people, and shared lives with other people. I'm not saying that your case is not stressful to deal with, I'm just reminding you that many other people go through the same thing. :)

If your boyfriend keeps bringing up his past sex life or past relationships, then you can politely ask him to stop. But if you cannot get the thoughts out of your head without your boyfriend bringing it up, then I think you need to talk to him about it and find a way to reassure yourself.

Because I am a man I am qualified to tell you that a man could have a sexual relationship with a tree if we didn't think that it would make the people in the park uncomfortable. The typical man does not look at sex and a way to be closer to someone... BUT when a man is in love, they begin to look as sex as something much more than physical gratification.  Please don't let your BF's past color your view of him now. He is with you and from what you say he doesn't have eyes for anyone else but you.  O and another thing. Most men and wemon actually lie about how many people they have been with. It sounds like he is being upfront. Mad props to him!! You got a good one lov

Original Post by happinesswhereartthou:

So my bf is the love of my life. Now I don't know if it's my conservatism/prudeness or just my insecurity that's getting in the way but, here's let me give you some background info:

My bf and I are the types that give our whole hearts in a relationship. We were both heartbroken by our ex's. Just for stats, we're both 22 yo and soon-to-be college grads. I have only had one serious relationship in the past (who I have lost my virginity to.. so my bf right now is only my second partner). In the beginning of the relationship, I was surprised to find out that my bf had 6 partners total, and only two of whom were from serious relationships. The other four sexual encounters were "flings". Apparently, his first love was in 9th grade and she ended up cheating on him. Subsequently, he went through depression and his way of coping was trying to forget her, so he had 4 flings until senior year. He admitted to me that he acted stupidly in coping with his heartbreak, therefore, after his second relationship, he didn't make the same mistake by sleeping around to fill that void in his heart.

I know the past is in the past and I completely trust my bf, I still get disturbed and bothered when I think of my man having been attracted enough to have slept with 4 girls. I am the type that must really truly love the other person to give my body. Maybe this is just a difference between men and women physiology? Or am I just a prude? There are days when I get bothered by this (I already talked about it with my bf) when I picture him having slept with 4 other girls...

I'm pretty sure I'm being prude about this. So what I am asking from you guys is your take on WHY I shouldn't dwell so much on the past.

p.s. we've both been tested. we're clean.

His past sounds way cleaner than normal to me for that age group.  But most important you can't evaluate him using your rules for behavior.  He is a guy with large amounts of testosterone pumping through him which makes his behavior different.  Furthermore in my opinion, I am 38, guys who have had a few relationships are less likely to cheat because they know what is out there and how valuable you are whereas less experience guys may always be looking for that bigger better thing over the rainbow.  If he is as great of a guy as you say, don't punish him for his past, you will definitely regret it.

 

Only 6?  I used to be really freaked out about some of the things my bf told me (multiple girls at once, etc, apparently being the start athlete on the swim team had its benefits). 

I've slept with more people than your bf and once I fell in love with my bf, sex was never the same.  So, I completely agree with waters2blue.  People have pasts, but that is exactly what they are, pasts.  Focus on how much you love each other and talk about the life that you want to build together. 

Focus on the present and the future!

I'm not sure how you can be mad at him for living before you :P

Original Post by simwaves1:

In the medical field, "multiple sex partners" are associated with increased risk (i.e. STIs and such). Ironically enough, the magic number defined as "multiple sex partners" is six. Make sure he gets tested if he hasn't already.

Yeah, but simwaves, you know that all of this is relative: circumstances, protection used, etc. Besides, she mentioned that they've already been tested.

I agree with pretty much everyone here, especially kajikit. This guy sounds straightforward and not especially risky to trust with your heart.

Original Post by trustwomen:

Yeah, but simwaves, you know that all of this is relative: circumstances, protection used, etc. Besides, she mentioned that they've already been tested.

I agree with pretty much everyone here, especially kajikit. This guy sounds straightforward and not especially risky to trust with your heart.

Sorry, I didn't read through the whole post. I just skimmed it, so I didn't realize that they've already been tested. Plus, your absolutely right about the relativity of it all. I just thought it was interesting that when the medical community talks about the risks associated with multiple partners, they're talking about a specific number. I guess my shotgun fact response wasn't really appropriate to the scope of this discussion. 

I'd like to strongly suggest that you let it go. The fact of the matter is that it has nothing to do with you. It should be off limits to use anything in the past against one another. It doesn't matter how you dress it up to amend the action. There is no reason for you to be judgmental, angry, jealous, paranoid, ect. It's not fair fighting,imho. It's not fair game whatsoever at all. It's completely below the belt and very melodramatic.

Stop projecting your own social norms onto other people and then expecting them to the same as you... Then figuring something is wrong with them because they're different than you.

Or that it gives you an edge or reason for nonsense.

 It's wrong. The truth of the matter is that just because someone .... did things differently than you... Doesn't mean they're jaded or wrong. It also doesn't mean it had anything to do with you. This didn't. He shared the knowledge with you by choice. It wasn't even something he had to share to be honest. 

Be direct. If you can't handle the knowledge of his past be sure to tell him now. There may be other things that you quite frankly do not know.  Things that you won't be able to handle and don't need to know. Tell him you'd  rather not share past romantic or sexual information on a future note. Or anything that could possibly be taken negative on a future note about his past. That's the best course of action other than accepting his past as just that... the past.

Don't use it against him in order to create a wedge between you. It's not something he held secret than suddenly sprung on you about himself years later. He just shared his past with you because you're obviously in his plans for the future. It's nice to be loved unconditionally. To just be yourself without a filter with someone that knows you... He should be able to do that with you without repercussions. Any past transgressions ect haven't anything to do with you. You seriously need to work on your self esteem. ...Isn't it time to get over how fragile you are...? It sounds like you need to work on self reassurance. 

Above all be realistic. He shouldn't be made to feel badly for having a past. If you aren't careful you'll destroy a potential future over his past. 

His past shouldn't concern you. The choices were made before he ever knew you. His past doesn't concern your relationship now either. Let it go. Or ...save yourself sometime and break up now. There is nothing healthy about harboring feelings regarding someone else's past. Stop judging him. Accept him. Or admit that you can't because you're that narrow minded.

What matters is that you love him, and he loves you, and you're honest with each other.  If it makes you feel uncomfortable, talk about it--in the grand scheme of things, six isn't that many (heh, I've had much more than six in the past 12 months alone!) and not worth getting into a big fight about.

Remember, he might have a past, but you're the one that he wants, the one that he loves, now.  And look on the bright side--he's had enough experience (I hope!) to know what he's doing. ; )

I find your situation surprisingly similar to mine, except my bf is 4 years older than I am.  We've been dating for 4 and a half years and are getting married in June.  The first year or so I had huge issues with his past experiences and I held on to those feelings for far too long.  Eventually you have to realize that they person by your side is who you want to be with and accept their past decisions, just as they accept yours.  You also have to realize that six isn't really that many and be lucky it's not 12, 15, 20, or more.  I've let myself discard all the old resentment and realize that with love comes acceptance.  As long as you can accept the decisions they make while you are with them, that is all that matters.  I know it's hard, I let it hurt me to the point where we almost broke up, but when you get over it (and it will probably take time) you'll be much happier with yourself, with him, and with your relationship.