The Parentals

So...my parents don't really get the concept of eating healthy. I've let them in on the fact that I want to lose weight, but from the beginning they thought it was just another "phase."

It's been about a month, and they're getting tired of my health craze. I refuse to share ice cream cones with my mother; I don't like eating out with them at fast food joints; I keep having to refuse food when they eat Bagel Bites or frozen dinners. I'm starting to get tired of myself, too--"I can't believe you guys are eating that, it has 75% of your daily cholesterol allowance!"

And it's not like I don't treat myself--I just had some key lime pie at the insistence of my mom. It's just that they don't get that it's going to be this way for the rest of my life. I don't think I could ever go back to binging on junk. And my taste buds have changed, too. Suddenly my mom's cooking tastes greasy and salty, and I don't want to say anything because then it would taste really bland to everyone else.

Any ideas?

how old are you?  How much weight to you need to loose?   I guess I would recommend being very respectful and be willing to cook your own food

I am 25 years old and live on my own, but I still see my mother a lot, we commute to work together and have dinner with the family every Sunday. I am very big on eating healthy, and while she is constantly trying some new diet or other, she doesn't eat really well. I found that I was also constantly having to not share things with her. She also would try to talk me into buying food that she wanted so she wouldn't feel guilty about it.

What seemed to work for me (and it may be different since you still live at home) was the constant refusal, but I had to learn to stop accusing them (her and her husband). If I did that, it put them on the defensive and would start a fight. After they got used to me not wanting to eat the junk, they have stopped trying to push it on me. And, they have also started to try to buy healthier food when I am going to be around, like for Sunday night dinners. For instance, they still insist on having dessert, but now it always involves fresh fruit. I think I had more effect doing than saying.

I also agree that you will probably have to cook for yourself. Maybe you could offer to cook dinner for the whole family once in a while? That's a constructive way to work on the problem.

the suggestions definitely do depend on your age.

If you are a minor, I seriously would consider enlisting the "kind" help of another relative to explain to your parents that your health is important enough for them to change some of their ways -- at the least, to let you eat different, if you choose to, and to enable you to have a good healthy nutritious diet.  You have the right to expect that, in my opinion.

Failing that, just learn to politely say no thanks, or make another suggestion, like, No, but I'll split an apple with you.  And don't preach to them about their diet -- they also have the right to eat the way they choose. 

And the suggestion to do some of your own cooking is a good one -- just be sure to do the cleanup, too, and make a grocery list for your mother, or whomever does the shopping.

If you are an adult and are talking about when you visit, then just be firm and say, This is the way it is, get used to it.  And be kind about it.  And back off the criticisms.

Good luck . . .

Hi moawmie,

I'm so sorry to hear about your problems with your parents. My parents love to cook food drenched in oil & sauces, esp my mum who thinks that just because olive oil is "healthy", you should have your steak floating in it. I simply dab it off or literally wash it all it off under a tap!! Naturally, it doesn't sit well with her, but I tell her its either that or I won't eat it.

Sometimes you have to put your foot down & fight for what is right for YOU, & sod what others say. Its not their life to ruin!

Hope things get better for you.

Thanks for your suggestions. I'm 17, so I do live with my mom, and I've thought about cooking myself, but I'm so terrible! I can barely boil water! But yeah, normally I just remain very adamant and stubborn, but it's wearing on both of us...hopefully she'll pick up some of my habits.

I've always been a health nut and my parents really never were. Nobody ever bugged me about what I ate or didn't eat -- I guess I was lucky. If they were getting an icecream cone and I didn't want one, nobody batted an eyelash. If they were grilling out and I didn't want a burger, they didn't care. I was always able to find something I could eat; plus, I could (and do) cook. This concept of people getting upset with you for not eating is so foreign to me. Like you, I did used to make comments on what THEY were eating ("Are you KIDDING me? ALL that butter?!!!"), but I stopped because I realized it's rather rude and makes people uncomfortable; plus, you can't change someone else -- it has to be up to them to WANT to change. Anyway, I'm rambling, and I guess I really didn't answer your question ... I think you could easily learn to cook, if you have the desire ... And I think your mom should get off your back and stop sabotaging you. That's crazy! I don't understand why people do that.

Try toning down your responses.  Simply say no thank you when offered unhealthy foods.  Don't argue with them or criticize what they are eating.  Silence is sometimes the best response. 

However, you do need adequate nutrition because you may not be finished growing.  Your bones especially need plenty of minerals. What you really need is a consultation with a professional to discuss appropriate diet.  I'm thinking that if you had information from a doctor, or even the school nurse, your parents might take that seriously. 

My only tips are to eat as many fresh vegetables and fruits as you can.  Look for high fiber breakfast cereals, whole grain breads, lean protien and low or fat free dairy products.  I know you probably don't do the shopping, so it might be a challenge.

Parents and food - that can be a very touchy subject. My sister and I (30 and 38 years old respectively) are still having issues with food becuase of our mother's eating "habits" (when we grew up, Nutter Butters were "an excellent source of protein" and a Hershey bar with almonds was "healthy"). I hate to say it (and I'm not suggesting anything) but it helped quite a bit when we both moved away for college and grad school.

However, the last 5 years I've been back in close proximity with my mom and find I've had to learn to deal with her pushing junk on me all the time.

Now I just say no thank you. If I think I'll offend her if I refuse, this is what I do:

1. I'll tell how good [insert unhealthy food she made/bought] looks.
2. I take one small bite and announce "it's yummy, thank you" (or a variation of that phrase ;)
3. Then no more.
   

As for cooking: I would suggest maybe taking a healthy cooking class if you have time (a greay way to meet like-minded individuals!) or going with her when she goes grocery shopping and picking up frozen dinners and foods that you think are better food choices to heat or reheat yourself. Or... you can ask your mom to teach you how to cook! And pick out some healthy recipes to practice on :)

Good luck! You may not be abe to chance your parents but you can help them get to know and accept the healthy person you're changing into :)

This is getting ridiculous.

I took your guys' advice and tried to back off about what she ate, but apparently I slipped up again...

Yesterday she brought home Chick-fil-A--the very thing that has the aforementioned "75% of your daily cholesterol"--and expected me to eat it. But I wasn't hungry, so I reached for yogurt instead because I knew I was going to go to Denny's for dinner (and I had had Quiznos for lunch).

And she blew up about how "everything she eats is unhealthy" (it is) and how "I'm never going to be able to eat out with her" and how "I'm making my own life miserable" and how "it's so much pressure for her to cater to me." And we had a long discussion, and I thought we were on good terms again.

But. This morning my mom was icy to me, and I thought it was because I had woken up around noon, since I was out at a benefit concert at school last night. But when she walked out the door, she informed me that I wouldn't be eating health bars anymore since apparently THEY STOP YOUR PERIOD. (She did research, apparently.) Which I just don't believe, even though my period is about 2 weeks late. The "health bars" I've been eating have actually been not more than "candy bars," but I've never spoken up because I thought she enjoyed not having to pack lunch for me and ironically I didn't want to be too picky about what she packed for me. Yet she used this "period" bit and told me again how picky I was and how my "healthy" choices are actually hurting me.

And it was really frustrating, and I started crying, and ughhh...

My dad joined in and told me that I need 2,000 calories a day (thank you, worldwide nutrition labels.) And I told him, no, that's for a full-grown man; I need 1,600 to survive. And he said, "But you only eat like, 200 calories a meal." Which is very, very not true; it's more like 500. But I couldn't PROVE it because then I would have to show them this site and explain how I'm trying to eat 1,200 calories a day (it turns out to be more like 1,500 these days). And then they will go on a tirade about how I'm a health freak and how exhausting I am.

I wish I could find a way to explain to them that how I eat now is even not healthy enough...who ever heard of weight loss on a 100 calorie deficit a day? And how do I make them understand that I don't think calorie-counting is exhausting, and that I'm not just being arbitrary when I say certain foods are unhealthy, and that I'm not "going overboard"?

And is it true that health bars would stop your period?

by health bars do you mean meal replacement bars??

No, I always have fruit and those 100 calorie packs to go with the bars, which tend to be

-Caribou coffee bars, Pria, Special K, Cascadian Farms chewy granola, etc.

why would special k bars stop your period? lol the only thing tha wuld stop it is if you had less than 15% body faton your body. are you underweight?

This sounds terribly stupid and like a lot of work but...

The best thing I ever did when I was having problems with my parents was write them a big fat letter.  I had to re-read it 900 times to make sure it didn't sound angry or bitter and it had to contain facts.  It takes time and effort, sometimes when words fail, writting succeeds. 

And as for your mom flipping out over you being 2 weeks late... I'd just lie about your period from now on.  It's perfectly normal to be late and early at your age, if she is so "worried" suggest a trip to the OBGYN so she can be told personally what is what by a PROFESSIONAL.  Of course she will refuse to take you. =| Sounds just like my family.

I highly doubt it. I'm 17, 5'4'', and weigh from 116-119. I'm trying to maintain a 110 eventually.

nocturne, I actually was just thinking about writing a letter in order to get all the facts down without them interrupting. And I've tried explaining how my other girlfriends will go months without their periods, but she's always very paranoid about that with me. And haha, yes, she will refuse to take me to an gynecologist; I don't think she even visits one.

Hey just to let you know, I did your BMI for the highest part of your weight 119 at 5'4"


Based upon your current Body Mass Index (BMI) of 20.4, you are currently classed as at a healthy weight.

A healthy BMI for your gender and age is between 20 and 24

Your BMI is very very close to underweight. 

I do hope you adapt more than just good eating habits, sounds like she doesn't know much about health in general.

All in all, honestly, you sound very well rounded, you don't sound like you are starving yourself AT ALL.  I think you have a very good idea of what you need to be doing for yourself.  That being said, I don't believe you need to lose weight.  If you have some fat you want to turn into muscle, awesome. 

But yeah =)  You need to get this stress out of your life first, they really need to understand, at least a little better.

Right, I never understood the BMI. If you entered my girlfriends in, they would be classified as starving, but they're all really healthy and naturally slim. I think it has to do with muscle. Thanks for your input; I am just trying to exercise more, up my cardiovascular ability, etc. I really don't think I'm being unreasonable! I'll try the letter thing today.

the BMI calculator on this site is bullshit. Underweight is a BMI of less than 18.5

The BMI is a general test for people.  It doesn't cover everyone and it is certainly not perfect.  I just want you to know that you are very slim, so please be careful. =)

Uncleben, I don't think that's very fair, I think it's a great tool when used correctly. Take all these online calculations with a grain of salt...

moawime thats exactly what my mom is like, she seems to think if I dont eat dessert or have an extra slice of bread I'm going to die or something it is SO frustrating. She would go crazy if she found out I was dieting, so now I "stealth".  So I now know how much calories are in things, on the days when shes late home from work I offer to cook dinner for the family to be (helpful" ( really I want to keep the calories under control) and help her with the grocery shopping so I can try to get low cal things in there, le.g. I'll find out which are the low cal yoghurts (but not the obvious "dieters" ones) and say "hey mom, can we get X or Y yoghurt, there so tasty I had them at one of my friends"