Parenting Tips for Non-Spanking Parents

Just thought I'd share two or three of my gems that really helped. (I am just your average single Mom, not an expert...)

Toddler Stage - Restrictive Holding - a technique to use when child is about to have a full blown temper tantrum

• pick the child up and cradle her in your arms so that her head is resting on the inside of your left elbow, you can hold her outside arm with your left hand, and you can hold her legs against you with your right arm and hand
• rock the child gently back and forth and softly repeat a short, reassuring phrase. (mine was I know you're upset, but Mommy's in charge.)
• the child may struggle and scream, but continue speaking in a low, soft voice, repeating your phrase...

After I used this technique about 3 times, my daughter never had another temper tantrum.

Toddler to Pre-School Stage - Advance Notice Countdown Technique - a technique to prevent conflict before it starts

One thing I noticed with my child was that she had trouble with transitions. If she was playing with a toy or coloring or whatever she might be doing, she was really into it and would get upset if I told her it was time to go, or time to go to bed. But if I gave her advanced warning... it prepared her for the transition to a new activity or plan. I'd say, OK, you've got 10 minutes left and then we've got to go. Then, OK, you've got 5 minutes left and then we've got to go. Then 3 minutes, then 2 minutes, then OK you've got 1 minute, time to put everything away. That kind of a countdown, I think, made the world seem less random to her, and if there's one thing kids like, it's predictability. (That's why they watch the same movie over and over... they like to be able to predict what will happen... this actually reinforces normal childhood development.)

Pre-school to maybe 2nd grade - Treachery and Deceit

I didn't want to have a struggle with my daughter about what she ate. But I did want her to eat vegetables and healthy foods. I knew I'd never go the 'clean your plate' route that I had suffered through. So I used treachery instead. When I'd fix dinner, I'd intentionally leave one thing off her plate. Like maybe green peas. I'd put the plate on the table in front of her and then apologize like this, "I'm sorry I didn't give you any of these lovely green peas, but... they're for adults only.. you know." She'd question me about it and I'd repeat... I'm really sorry, but only grown ups like these - I can't give them to you. I had her begging me for vegetables. And of course I'd eventually give some to her, but I'd ask her please not to report me.... >;D The only veggie it didn't work on was green beans... she likes all others. So... not too bad!

Please share your non-spanking tips too!

I have given myself time outs too!  I said "I'm going to my room.  Mommy needs a time out, because I'm too angry to deal with this right now!"

Definitely better than doing something you'd regret. 

Time out is not a punishment.  It's a tool to help the person (child or parent) calm down, think, and come up with a solution.

I told my 3-year old son that if he doesn't eat his veggies his teeth would fall out and he would have to get shots. He asks for veggies now and truly enjoys them most of the time (he hates green beans too). The term "treachery and deceit" definitely applies here. :)

Im not a mum but ive picked up a few things from my upbringing and from around me that i find when im looking after young children it works. (my mum is a childminder and im constantly surrounded!)

1. Kneel down to their level.

If they are shouting or screaming for attention i just go down to their level and explain to them that if they do not calm down and act nicely then they will be sent to the naughty step or time out corner. 

I have found this works on children from about 12months till about 3 years. Once they start school it seems to lose effect as you have to move on to something that threatens theyre freedom (but more on that later!)

2. The warnings over.

Ok so step one was just a warning, 'if your not good im going to sit you in the naughty step' You just lead them to whereever your spot or step is and sit them down and say they will stay there for 1-3 minutes depending on their age. If they continue to get up just keep taking them back, they eventually get tired and just admit defeat! 

My mum looks after a boy called ollie who is two and he is a little bit of a bully and this works well on him even though he throws tantrums.

3. Older kids.

Thing with older kids are, they know how to minipulate adults. Ive had many experiances where the child knows what to say to make you cave. You just have to be strong! Take privaledges away they will most likely come back with 'so i can just do this instead' and you jsut have to say 'well you can only do that if you can show me you can behave' 

 

I am in no way saying that this is easy as i am not a parent, its just a few tips that i have picked up through child care etc.

Hope this helps anyone! 

Nomo I have had to use all of your tips on my kids too, lol.  Its funny to see it in writing like that.

The one last one I had to use is a time out chair and a yucky chair.  If my son was misbehaving he was sent to time out for 3 minutes.  If he continued to act up in time out then he was immediately moved to the yucky chair (its just two regular chairs side by side), in the yucky chair I would stand behind him and hold his arms in a crossed position that the counselor taught me.  Once he sufficiently has settled down he was back to his 3 minute time out chair and then he still had to do whatever it was that was asked of him in the first place.  

It really did help to break him of some of his problems that had continued due to ADHD.  I will say he only went into a yucky chair twice and he got the point. 

Oh, I know of another the counselor has told me to do also.  My son is nine and if he is asked to do something like get up and get dressed for school and he doesnt then I will tell him twice and the second time he does not respond I take something that he really enjoys and put it on the fridge for the day.  I usually start by taking his Nintendo DS or Playstation cords.  He starts moving pretty quick after that.

Great discussion here!

As someone else said, asking a yes or no question sets you up for trouble.  Offer the question as a choice between 2 things instead, like "Would you like me to buckle your seatbelt, or would you like to do it yourself?"  "Would you like to clean your room now, or after dinner?"  This allows your child to have some control over the situation and helps them with decision making while ensuring that what needs to be done, gets done.  I don't like spanking either.  Often parents who are using this technique are using it for control/fear, or they just are too lazy to look into alternative choices, so they just go with what they were raised with.  It's a shame how many people forget that the word discipline means to instruct & teach.  The bottom line is that we're here to help our kids learn how to survive in this world - that doesn't just mean the basics of food, shelter, etc; it also includes decision making, taking risks, learning about consequences, respect (of self and of others) and so on.

Sorry to go on, but I'm pretty passionate about this topic - it's a really important one, and I'm so glad to have found this thread!  :)

Original Post by veryminte:

My 3 year old, however, is almost beyond my control. She is well over 50 lbs, strong and refuses to do anything but what she wants. I feel like a terrible mother because most of the time I wind up yelling at her. If I try to hold her and speak calmly to her, she will kick and hit me. If I restrain her legs and arms (a difficult feat), she will bite me. If nothing else, she spits on me.

I wonder if the "crying room" technique would work with her.  This was what I did with my son, about the same age, with the same type of behavior.  When the tantrum started, I'd put him into the laundry room.  I used this room because there was nothing to throw or knock over.  I'd say firmly that he could come out when he stopped.  Then I'd stand outside the door and listen.  If it went on longer than a minute, I'd open the door and ask if he was ready to stop.  After about 3 minutes he always stopped. 

It's important not to show any emotion while this is going on, just be calm and firm.  Afterwards, it's just as important to praise and hug.  I didn't have any plan if he hadn't stopped, so this is something to think about.

I think when he saw that his behavior wasn't going to change the outcome, he was able to control himself.

...which is the key. consistent and calm reinforcement.

Well, I am not a mommy, but I do work with special needs adults. So I come across tantrums/behaviors a good bit. My favorite story, however, was from one of my Special Ed teachers in college.

She had a daughter that was sick, and had to take medicine. Daughter refused and refused and threw a tantrum, even in her ill state. Mom ended up losing her cool and chased her around the house with this spoon of pink medicine. Then finally, her training kicked in and rather than insisting on the girl taking the dose, she said; "Do you want to take your medicine in a cup or off this spoon?" Immediately the girl said, "Out of a cup."

Isn't it amazing that giving up just a little control to such a small person will get them to do exactly what you want? I just thought I would share that little gem. Hopefully I will remember it myself when I have kids. :)

 

Ha!  Love the story riflchik!

My son will be 1 next Sat, so discipline hasn't been difficult at all......yet.  I like the techniques here.  I've always been anti-spanking (I actually left my babies father that I was engaged to for 3 years over such issues) but have never thought much of the restraint technique until I heard it described this way.  When I have seen other parents do this it seemed more a way to reward bad behavior with one-on-one time with mommy.

I'm big into natural parenting techniques, so this thread caught my interest.

do you guys feed your kids high sugar foods? my three year old acted like that and my mom said it was his diet, so I feed him whole foods no fast food and no suger almost never, he's  been able to crib his emotions and is starting to talk about his feelings....